Dear Em and Lo,
I have recently found that mythical man that every woman wants and movies portray. He’s financially stable, no ex drama, gorgeous (holy crap is he!), very sexy, and very tall (approx 6′ 3″-4″). The latter part of his good qualities is what’s the issue — he’s TALL. Meaning that everything else in his body is very much in proportion to his height. Catch my drift? We have been intimate recently (first time) and to put it lightly, I’m on a recovery status just short of doctor-prescribed bed rest. Everything else was mind-blowing, even the actual act was enjoyable. It’s after. I’ve tried taking Motrin and using warm compresses but it’s been 3 days and I’m still very sore and even have some light bleeding. I need to know how to lessen this happening again the next time we are together. Please help me!
–Saddle Sore
Dear S.S.,
Ouch! First of all, you probably should give your gynecologist a quick call. She may well tell you she doesn’t need to see you, but it never hurts to check in. We’re not doctors, and although we do ask Dr. Kate (who is a real doctor!) to look over our shoulders whenever questions veer toward the health-related, there’s only so much we can know from afar.
But here’s what we do know: five things you can try to make things more physically comfortable with the tree trunk:
- Lube it up! Do you know what we like to say about lube in the sex biz? Too much lube is almost enough. And in your case, we’d say, double it. Keep reapplying throughout the sesh (a pump dispenser is great for one-handed reapplication). And don’t be a cheapskate — K-Y might seem like a bargain, and it might be the closest at hand in your corner drugstore, but it can’t compete with the higher-end, longer-lasting, heartier lubes available at sex toy outlets like Good Vibrations. They have a Lube Sampler Pack so you can experiment until you find the one that helps you fit together the most comfortably. Or treat yourself to a nice bottle of love that’s glycerine free, paraben free, and fragrance free like Lelo’s Personal Moisturizer. We’re guessing that something sturdy like Maximus — popular with anal sex fans — will help get the job done. (Though let it be stated for the record that we don’t see a lot of anal sex in your future!)
- Use condoms. You did use a condom, right? We’re assuming so, given that it was your first time sleeping together; if he didn’t insist on one, then perhaps he’s not Mr. Wonderful after all. But on the off-chance that you didn’t — naughty, naughty — you definitely should next time around. Not only will it help protect you against STDs and pregnancy (duh), it may also help facilitate a smoother entry and less internal tissue tearing, especially if it’s lubricated (just avoid the ones with Non-oxynol 9.)
- Insist on foreplay. And lots of it. If Mr. Wonderful is all that, he won’t object. Especially when you tell him that the more turned on you are, the more room there is in the back two-thirds of your vagina, the better penetration will feel to you, and the greater chance for your own natural lubrication to supplement all the man-made lube you’ll be using.
- Do it differently. With penile penetration, encourage your Mythical Man to focus on shallow penetration and slow, gentle thrusting. The missionary position is your friend — if you think it’s boring, then experiment with the Coital Alignment Technique. Remind your boyf that jackhammering is not the only way to get busy. Ask him to hold still so you can control the motion (rather than vice versa). Get on top so that you can set the pace (rather than vice versa). Play around with other positions until you find the most comfortable ones — for example, if regular doggie style feels too deep, try lying flat on your stomach and closing your legs. Call it Sleeping Doggie.
- Re-conceptualize intercourse and sex in general. Nope, those two things are not the same. Intercourse isn’t the be-all end-all of sex, despite wide reports to the contrary (gross exaggerations, if you ask us). Spend lots of time on naked grinding, massage, “titty fucks” (just please, for the love of god, don’t call it that), handwork, oral sex, sex toys, etc. As long as you’re having fun and getting off, those things can be just as good (if not better, especially in your case) than the old in-out.
And to all the wishful-thinking guys and size queens out there, take comfort in (and a lesson from) this letter: Bigger isn’t always better.
Big fun,
Em & Lo
We’ll be having our first threesome soon, and the guy (although short in height) has a 9″ cock. My wife has had a 7″ before we married but never a 9. Any suggestions will be appreciated.
I agree with theattack, actually although I don’t like the word “size queen”. I have been seeing my own “mythical man” for several years now so have a few suggestions for “Saddle Sore”. I should give a little background though even if it opens me up (pun intended) to judgement by some like WTF.
I had a lot of fun in college. The sex was fun, easy and my wild side came out, I guess. For me that included dating black guys. While I’ve read that it’s all a myth, for whatever reason for me it was quite true. They were definitely bigger and I found myself enjoying it a lot. One guy in particular was very well endowed and we got together at least several times a week for over a year. It was wonderful sex.
We all graduated and moved on but, I totally missed it. I then found my future husband and fell totally in love. Wonderful guy, soul mate, etc with an average 5″ penis which he is pretty good with. Long story short (sorry, pun intended WTF), it turns out my new husband enjoyed fantasies and my past in particular. It turned him on! So, with fear and excitement he gave me permission to seek out the black lover I had been missing and to experiment within our marriage. And that’s what we’ve done. With much communication and honesty it is not only working but, has made our marriage better. Ok, I know some will be judgmental on that like I said.
So, with the same regularity I had in college, several times a week I meet with my own “mythical man” of color and experience the joy of what I will say to Saddle Sore you “get used to.” The more you do it the easier (and better) it is. So, if you truly enjoyed him as it sounds like you did, with all the advice that they gave you about lube, etc just go slowly until it becomes as natural as with the average-sized men you’ve been with. Be careful though since it does become your “new normal” and you’ll miss him if it doesn’t work out or you don’t find a wonderful, understanding husband like I did.
Keep in mind you’ve only done it *once*. IMX, your body will adapt to some degree after a few more sessions. Lube, patience, and relaxing are key. Hopefully he knows he has a monster and isn’t just banging away on you.
Wtf: if it makes you feel any better, I’ll probably never get the chance to enjoy anal, and have yet to experience getting deep throated. As much as my gf would love to, it’s just not in the cards. There are trade offs in everything. But the anger you’ve got going on is far more of a deal killer for you than the size of your cock.
tisk,tisk its a shame how many women intentionally try to hurt men with these subjects,it is quite sad.So guess what ladies any woman over 115 lbs is FAT! Dig it?
I’d just like to point out that someone held a survey awhile back and it was decided that henceforth the term to describe breast-penis action shall be known as “melon-balling”.
I had the biggest surprise recently when I got together with a totally average sized guy, 5’10, slim build. Average nose, hands, feet, ears, whatever ‘indicators’ there are supposed to be. He had the biggest cock I have yet come across. Two fists and a mouthful…
Anyways, to all men who think women are size queens. It all comes to naught if we are not compatible sexually. If we have differing ideas about what makes for great sex.
I have had average dick sized lovers with great, sexy minds and a willingness to be wild and have fun. Best lovers ever. I have also slept with big dicked guys with poor bedroom skills and I didn’t stick around just because, o yay, a big cock. Not at all.
Lucky for me, this last guy Mr. Average with the not-so-average schlong was not only the biggest but the best. Why? Because he was sweet and funny and raunchy when it mattered and not afraid of learning me and letting me learn him. That’s the real deal.
Whatever a woman says, the truth is really the opposite.
A man’s dick size does matter to most women, period. If she says it does not, then she is a liar.
Yes, some guys can be too big for her, but she will always prefer a bigger one to an average.
JMO
Thank you Dannie, Wtf please read better, and not because you ‘seem’ to be small downstairs means you should take such offense to their reply. Let it go, you’ll find a woman that does not mind your size. Someday.
I have posted this here before, but I’ve gone some distance with a Penis Sleeve for this issue.
Mainly for oral. A little lube, and “Jenny” helps me right along with it, she takes the shaft and I work her up and down while I do the rest. Squeezing, twisting and if I don’t want to, she swallows for me too! We both love that toy!
For intercourse, not so awesome for him, not used that way very often, Jenny doesn’t move so he just misses all that action for the bottom half of his shaft. But if he want’s to do regular doggie, she’s a must.
Hope this helps and WTF, easy guy. This so wasn’t posted to freak anyone out. It’s an honest PROBLEM some people learn to work around. No different than a short or wide or super crooked penis, okay? (I think I’d take 2 inches off if I could. I mean that, it would open up more options for us).
Wtf: calm down, become a better reader, and check your misogyny.
Em and Lo you really need to stfu w/this stuff you only throw up these threads to try and bash avg and lesser endowed dudes you women make me f##king SICK! The “Bigger isn’t always better” response and w/that you imply that is usually is so you are pathetic.
Isn’t it a myth that endowment is necessarily related to height?
I’m a size queen with a well-endowed man as well. I still maintain that bigger is better despite the major adjustments we had to make. 1) Most importantly, start slowly. We call it “opening me up.” If you get in the missionary position and let him make slow, small thrusts into you slowly getting deeper, it helps infinitely and can almost solve your problem. You’ll feel yourself opening up for him after doing this for a few minutes. Girl on top is NOT a good way to start out with a bigger guy. 2) Try not to let him out of you for very long. When we switch positions, we do it as quickly as possible, because I tighten back up after a few seconds of not having him inside me, and then we have to do the “opening” process all over again. 3) Lube. I don’t use any because I naturally produce way more than is necessary for anyone, but if I didn’t have that issue, sex would be incredibly painful without it.
Also, about the condom thing. What condoms should someone use with a well-endowed man? We’ve never used any together (tested, committed relationship, etc), because we could never find any that would fit him. None of the XL condoms were wide enough. They only get longer, which isn’t helpful when you can’t even get it on in the first place.
“Sleeping doggie” is also a good one. Regular doggie is pretty much the worst position for partners with high penis-length to womb-depth ratios. Sleeping doggie also automatically knocks off a couple inches.
When I’ve been with shallower-wombed women, my trick is to position myself differently. If a woman can take the whole thing, at full insertion, her clit comes in contact with the top base of my dong, where dong and torso meet. But if she can’t take the whole thing, I basically slide down a bit so that her clit is making contact with my body about half-way between the dong-base and my belly button. This allows for missionary clitoral stimulation, while knocking a couple inches off Johnny Junior.