All posts by Em & Lo

6 Booty Rules for Sharing a Space
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photo via Unsplash

What’s the etiquette of getting some nookie when there’s a roommate in the picture? We’re not talking about having sex with your roommate — if you’re doing that, poor soul, then even we can’t save you from the inevitable blow-up. No, we’re talking about the delicate issue of when, where, and how to have sex if you happen to share your apartment with a platonic roomie. If you don’t want to end up back on Craigslist — and we all know what kind of roommate that will lead to — then follow these six simple rules:

    1. As tempting as it may be, do not have sex in shared spaces or on public furniture, e.g. the chaise-longue in the living room or the kitchen table. You never know when your roommate may show up unexpected, and no one deserves to have their morning Cheerios ritual forever spoiled by that kind of sight. Even if they never catch you, it’s just plain bad manners for them to unwittingly sit on your dried-up wet spot while they watch their favorite show.
    2. The shower and bathtub, however, are acceptable staging areas because of their built-in clean-up feature and also the nature of bathrooms in general (i.e. dirty things happen behind locked potty doors…the key word here being locked). However, this should happen only when your roommate is out, or when they have already brushed their teeth and retired for the night. Trust us, your roommate will not find your morning bathroom nookie endearing if they are late for work. Also, wrap the used condom in TP before leaving it in the bathroom trash can, would ya?
    3. It should go without saying that your roommate’s bed is strictly off-limits.
    4. If, heaven forbid, you share a bedroom with someone, then you may not have sex in the room while your roommate is sleeping; you could only maybe do so only if the have an Ambien prescription or on the wrong side of a ten-tequila bender — but even then, you’re entering into the murky waters of lack of consent. If you throw caution to the wind, then please at least stick to something discreet, like missionary or mutual diddling under the blankets (and make it quick!).
    5. If you have the good fortune of having separate bedrooms, then make sure you close your bedroom door behind you and keep your howls of ecstasy at a low volume.
    6. Finally, if your roommate is having sex behind their closed door, do not disturb them, even if their cooing is keeping you up — to intrude is a punishment that does not fit the crime. Plug your ears and wait until morning when you can politely ask your roommate, in private, to respect your boundaries.
This post has been updated.

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20 Naughty New Year’s Resolutions
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photo via Unsplash

Here are twenty totally do-able New Year’s resolutions to improve your love life this year. Learn them, live them, love them!

  1. Ask for what you want.

  2. Keep learning new things.

  3. Let go of shame.

  4. Be a stickler about safer sex.

  5. Go for quality rather than quantity.

  6. Don’t hold grudges in your relationship.

  7. Believe in love (and lust) at first sight.

  8. Think outside the box.

  9. Consider the possibilities of household items (neckties, spatulas, etc).

  10. Drop the routine.

  11. Complain less.

  12. Compliment more.

  13. Do your Kegels (men too!).

  14. Send (more) love texts.

  15. Send (more) dirty texts (but no images!).

  16. Invest in at least one high quality sex toy.

  17. Reciprocate.

  18. Make out like you did in high school.

  19. Vow never to use Facebook, Twitter or texting as a means for breaking up.

  20. Watch less TV.

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Dear Em & Lo: I’m Put Out About His Porn
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There is a long-standing debate over whether porn is good for you or bad for you. We received two questions from straight women decidedly in the “bad for you” camp. So we “remixed” our Wise Guys’ thoughts on the topic with some of our own to come up with advice for straight women disturbed by their partners’ porn consumption:

Dear Em & Lo, I just learned my amazing college boyfriend uses porn to masturbate, at least twice a week. Understand, we’re not talking an unhealthy dependency on porn, and he remains very focused on me when we have sex. He says it’s just an old habit from high school. I consider myself very tolerant, and I am aware that most guys indulge in this kind of thing. However, I can’t understand why he needs the help of a girl he’s never met to satisfy himself. I realize there is high quality porn available that helps empower women, but that’s not the sort he described to me as his preference. I just can’t understand the appeal of what he’s watching. To a degree, I almost feel cheated on. I’m not ridiculous, and wouldn’t demand an ultimatum or anything silly like that. I just don’t understand.

Dear Em & Lo, My wonderful husband and I have a full and varied sex life, yet my husband insists on watching porn. I generally like porn for us to watch together. What he does however is watch porn during the day when I am not home. I have asked him several times to not do this and he either says he will stop or is non-committal. Now what he does is watch it anyway but deletes it from the history in the computer. My question is, am I wrong to ask this of him? Do I need to just get over this issue even though it really bothers me?

Dear Porn Patrol,

Let’s take your relationship with shoes or women’s magazines or whatever guilty pleasure you enjoy: imagine if your partner said he was viscerally opposed to it, thinks it is a horrible industry that exploits people and perpetuates sexism and misogyny, and suggested that it might be a deal breaker. Or imagine if he asked you to give up masturbation*, because he should be enough for you. You’d be bummed, because you know those things don’t impact the love you have for your partner. You might, out of generosity and kindness, give them up, but then you’d probably become bitter and resentful for being forced to change. The same could go for him and you might find he ends up on somewhere such as hdsexvideo or similar websites a little more frequently than twice or so a week.

We understand how porn makes you feel uncomfortable and unloved and disrespected — we’ve been there — but really, from your partner’s perspective, it has nothing to do with you; you’re not in any competition with it; it’s a normal and almost unavoidable part of being a sexual being in this Internet age (and we’re not just talking men; plenty of women enjoy porn regularly, too). Honestly, you’ll have a hard time finding a man who doesn’t like porn; it’s hard enough to find one who doesn’t like sports!

This is not to say that all porn is harmless. Some studies (cited here) found that men’s porn use was associated with lower quality sex and lower levels of intimacy in their relationships. We think that the prevalence of porn can be blamed for a lot of the misconceptions young people (and plenty of adults) have today about pleasure and safety and what constitutes sex and what works for women’s bodies and what it means to treat people with decency and respect. Which is why it’s so important not only for decent, realistic sex education to be readily and widely available, but for people — especially women — to support the production of quality, feminist porn (like Erika Lust’s films), because porn ain’t going away.

Of course, you can’t dictate people’s sexual fantasies or tell them what they can and can’t watch, like some uptight Big Brother. Well, you can try if, you’re their partner, but it probably won’t go over so well. Which is why it’s better to tell them how you feel. Compromises can be made on both sides so everyone’s more at ease.

Maybe you try to find something that turns you on, that you find acceptable so you can see where he’s coming from, as it were. Maybe so you could even enjoy it together! At least two studies (cited here) showed that women’s use of porn correlated with higher quality sex lives.

And you can certainly encourage him to stay away from the more disturbing stuff, like, say, Brazilian fart porn — there is plenty of good, old-fashioned, healthy and responsible boot-knocking going on out there by consenting adults who aren’t on drugs. But if he’s compulsively watching porn instead of having sex with you, or his porn consumption is disrupting his work or school or social outings or daily living, then you’re in your rights to strongly recommend he seek professional help.

Assuming it’s not an actual problem for him, and you can’t find a way to get into it yourself, but you’re not willing to walk away from the relationship, then ask him to keep a private thing (and if he’s doing this already, consider it him being polite!). Don’t talk about it, definitely don’t watch it, don’t snoop for signs of it. In this case, ignorance can be bliss.

Em & Lo

*Masturbation is something you should continue to do whether you’re in a relationship or not, married or not — it’s good for you to have some quality alone time!

This post has been updated.

Let’s hear from a woman who “got over it”:
Porn Is No Biggie

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Can I Lead a Full Life Without Sex?
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photo via Unsplash

Dear Em & Lo,

I’m 34 and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I was molested as a child and raped as an adult. I’ve never had consensual sex. Yet I have intensely sexual dreams. I’ve had years of counseling, but the fear of having a sexual relationship remains. I isolate myself from men.  The only ones I feel comfortable around are gay or married. I feel ostracized from a society which places such a high priority on sex, and I feel I am missing out on life because of my limitations. Am I really missing out? Is it possible to live a complete life without sex?

— Not Feeling It

Dear NFI,

This may sound strange coming from two women who’ve made a career out of talking about sex, but you absolutely can live a complete life without sex! It’s really not that big a deal. Well, it certainly is for some people (Tantric sex practitioners and right wing republicans with secret gimp mask collections, for example). But for a lot of other people, sex is something they could simply take or leave — whether because of their body/brain chemistry, religious beliefs, or past experiences. And there are certainly many other things under the sun that can make for an interesting, fulfilling life. Orgasms are nice, but they don’t teach kids to read, or build Habitat for Humanity houses, or organize community activities, or run marathons…

We know it’s hard being constantly bombarded by sexual imagery in the media, but please understand that the majority of it is a fantasy, one that’s often orchestrated simply to get us to buy products (even stuff as mundane as instant rice!). The reality is that while sex can be fun and exhilarating and bonding, it can also be messy and stressful and unfulfilling. We’re certain our society’s obsession with sex, especially idealized sex, has led to an awful lot of disappointment in the sack. Add to that the sad fact that sex can be used as a weapon of violence and subjugation, and we see nothing wrong with people — especially people who’ve been through the kind of trauma you have — choosing celibacy, if that’s what’s right and works for them.

Now, you mention that you do have sexual dreams, but you don’t say anything about masturbation. Just because you may choose to forgo partner sex, doesn’t mean you can’t (or shouldn’t) have sex with yourself! The great thing about self-pleasure is that you are in total control — of the pace, the timing, the techniques, the mood — without having to worry about anyone else’s good time. If you haven’t already, we’d really recommend getting an empowering book on masturbation — Betty Dodson’s classic Sex for One or Jayme Waxman’s Getting Off — and giving yourself permission to try to start enjoying the nerve endings you have, on your own terms.

If deciding not to pursue romantic and sexual relationships doesn’t give you peace, and you still feel like you’re missing out on something, then we’d recommend getting a new therapist who might be able to make new headway with you (perhaps one specializing in post traumatic stress disorder and/or sexual trauma), as well as joining a support group for rape survivors (if you haven’t already), which according to the New York Times Health Guide, is one of the most effective treatments.

While the world is full of horrible people (everyone from criminal monsters who commit unconscionable acts to little selfish assholes who have no qualms about casually breaking hearts), there are good guys out there who are kind, good, and giving — in life, in relationships, and in bed. But again, they’re not necessary for a rich life: some women really do need a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

More power to you,
Em & Lo

This post has been updated. 
5 Argument Tactics That Never Work
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photo via flickr

Did you ever see the movie Revolutionary Road? It’s a PSA on how NOT to fight as a couple. For those of you who’d rather not submit to two hours of cinematic depression, here are the five hateful argument tactics you should avoid for the sake of love:

1. Fighting Dirty

Avoid the temptation to say something unforgivably mean and petty as a defense mechanism: “My ex’s penis was way bigger than yours,” or “You remind me of my/your mother,” or “I lied: Your butt does so look big in those jeans” or — and this is the mother of all fighting-dirty lines — “I’m not sure we’re right for each other if you think that.” It doesn’t matter whether the mean thing you say is the cold harsh truth or just some stupid lie you made up to hurt your partner — once it’s out there, you can never take it back. It takes on a life of its own. Even if you get back together after a fight like this, that mean thing will haunt your relationship forever.

2. Playing Tit for Tat

A.k.a. Whataboutism. You know how you’re not supposed to answer a question with a question? Well, you can’t win one argument by creating another. Just because your partner may be airing a gripe about you, that does not mean you should up the ante with an even bigger gripe you have about them: “Oh, you think I’m selfish for never doing the dishes, well you are the king of selfishness for never giving me an orgasm!” And don’t even think about lobbing one final last-minute grenade over the fence after calling a truce: “I’m really sorry I forgot your birthday but we’re kind of even now because you forgot Valentine’s Day last year, remember?”

3. Allowing a Trivial Interruption

Answering the phone, answering the door to a Jehovah’s Witness, turning on the TV because a new episode of “Game of Thrones” is on, etc., won’t end the argument — it’ll only postpone it. You may think you’ve gotten the upper hand by dismissing and disrespecting your partner by tending to “more important things,” but the whole time you’re trying to explain to the Jehovah’s Witness that you’re really more of a secular humanist, your partner will be (a) getting madder by the second and (b) coming up with an argument so watertight that you’ll never beat it.

4. Storming Out

Making a dramatic exit is not nearly as effective as Hollywood movies make it out to be. Your partner will most likely not chase after you, and you’ll just come across as childish and unattractive. (Em learned this lesson the hard way when she slammed the door behind her and then attempted to open it to get in one last zinger, but realized she’d slammed the door so hard that the it was stuck. Her demands to “Open this door now, damn it!” were, needless to say, ignored.)

5. Caving Completely

Now, we’re not saying don’t compromise — in fact, that’s usually the only way you can end an argument (except for having sex, which we also highly recommend). No, we’re talking about pretending you agree with your partner or pretending you’re 100% sorry just so they’ll drop the issue. Because if you don’t really mean it, all that anger and resentment will simmer just below the surface until the next time your partner does something totally innocuous, like forgetting to put the cap back on the toothpaste, and you explode irrationally.

This post has been updated. 

Here’s how to do it right:
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Hot Tip: Be Submissive…On Purpose
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photo via Unsplash

If you want a little freedom from all your daily responsibilities, if you’re sick of having to make decisions, if you kinda like being held down and tickled….then why not spend an evening being submissive for a change? Let your partner call all the shots. By being (temporarily) submissive in the bedroom, you can get caught up in the moment. You don’t have to think. You don’t have to do anything; only what you’re told. Which is not to say that you’re passive; you are receptive, responsive, appreciative, grateful. And no, there’s no correlation between social, economic, or mental status and your power preference. Being dominated isn’t demeaning; it’s fun! So set some ground rules, set a time limit, come up with a safeword that means “time out,” and then take it and like it.

For more on kinky power dynamics, check out our Kink Archive, which includes, but is not limited to:

10 Reasons to Become a Submissive (If Only for a Night)

Why You Can Be a Feminist and Still Like It Rough

How to Have Kinky Sex with Your Vanilla Husband

10 Simple Steps to “Fiftyize” Your Love Life

How to Make Your Ravishment Fantasy Come True

This post has been updated. 
Terrified of Going to the Gyno? 8 Ways to Relax Enough to Make Your Appointment
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photo via Pixabay

Hey Em and Lo,

I know how important it is to see a gyno, but honestly, I am terrified to go.  I’ve actually made several appointments since I lost my virginity about nine months ago, but every time the date approaches, I find myself canceling last minute.  I’ve tried positive thinking, ignoring thoughts of the upcoming exam, and mentally walking myself through the steps that I expect the exam to take. However, every time I do, I get so nervous I nearly puke.  I know how important it is to be checked regularly and especially now that I’m not a virgin.  Can you give me any advice on how to overcome my fear?

Sincerely,
‘Fraidy Cat

 

 

Dear ‘Fraidy Cat,

That’s a bummer.

Okay, that’s all the sympathy you’re going to get from us, because you’ve got to get over it. Your health is at stake, especially now that you’re sexually active — and there’s nothing more important.

We all have to do things we don’t like: take our vitamins, shovel snow when it’s blocking the front door, pay our taxes, leave the womb. But we do it; we just get it over with as quickly and with as little fanfare as possible — and it ultimately makes our lives easier and better. When you were a kid, you certainly didn’t want to get your shots, but you had to, your parents made you, you didn’t have a choice — and at the time, you probably thought you were going to die. But you didn’t. And because you got the shots, you’ve avoided getting terrible diseases which could have really killed you. See, better!*

Since you haven’t outlined what it is exactly that you’re afraid of about going to the gyno, we’re going to guess it’s an irrational fear of the unknown. Trust us, you’re making a bigger deal out of it than it really is. (You probably thought the same thing when you finally had intercourse for the first time: “What’s the big deal?”) Yes, there are much more enjoyable things to do than go to the gynecologist — even listening to Celine Dion is better…but not by much!

You lie back, bend your knees, spread your legs, breathe deeply and try to relax while your gyno takes a look down there and does some gentle probing with a speculum and gloved fingers. (Read more specifics from your friendly neighborhood gyno, Dr. Kate, here!). It usually takes less than two minutes (though our nerves can make it feel like fifteen). It’s not painful, just a bit uncomfortable and awkward.

To make the whole thing less daunting — i.e. more comfortable and less awkward — try the following suggestions.

1. Know Thyself

Get a mirror and start probing yourself. It sounds hippy-dippy, but the better you know your own body, the more empowered you’ll be. Doctors are often scary because they hold all this knowledge that you don’t. Even the playing field a bit by getting down there and taking a look around. Feel inside with your (clean) fingers. You can even order your own speculum from a female-friendly place like GoodVibrations so you can see what your gyno can see. (Just be sure to read up on proper procedure.) Plus it’ll get you familiar with the feeling.

2. Love Thyself

We know talk of speculums and spreading eagle may sound “gross,” but there’s nothing gross about your body. Try to have happy, positive thoughts about your bod, especially your genitals — learn to love them, and then you’ll want to take care of them by going to the doctor regularly.

3. Get Doctor Recommendations

Go to a doctor that comes highly recommended. Ask around and find out who among your friends and family has a great gyno — then, assuming they’re in your health care company’s network, go to them. (If you don’t have health insurance, reach out to your local Planned Parenthood to see how they can help.) And if you think having a female doctor will help make you more at ease, then insist on one: there’s something to be said for having a gyno who can empathize with your body parts, and not inadvertently make you feel even more self-conscious while your pants are off. But just because a gynecologist is a woman, doesn’t automatically mean she’ll have a great bedside manner — which is why you really should get a personal recommendation.

4. Bring a Wingwoman

Have a close friend or family member come with you. Explain the situation and ask for help. Make the appointment for a time they can come along with you. Have them pick you up and go with you to the appointment. Have them come into the exam room with you (just give the doc’s office a heads up beforehand). Have them hold your hand, make eye contact with you and distract you with small talk during the exam. Don’t worry about being perceived as a wimp — if it makes you feel better and keeps you up on the exam table, that’s all that matters. If you’re there, you’re not a wimp.

5. Speak Up About Your Nerves

Tell your gyno that you’re nervous. Sounds basic, we know, but if they know you’re nervous (we’re guessing the wingwoman will be a hint!), they can make a special effort to talk you through what they’re doing as they’re doing it. The best gynos do this as a matter of course, which is just one more reason to get a recommendation. But if at the appointment your doctor starts the exam without explaining what they will be doing as well as what they are doing at any given moment, you have every right to pipe up and ask what they will be doing, why they’re doing it, and what they’re doing and why at any point during the exam. It may be par for the course for them, but it’s all new to you! Demand running commentary.

6. Relax, Just Do It

Learn how to relax, physically and mentally. Take some yoga classes, do your kegels, get in the habit of breathing deeply and abdominally — because honestly, the more tense you are, the more uncomfortable it’s going to be.

7. Reward Yourself

Schedule your appointment on a day when you can do something fun with your friend afterwards, so you have something to look forward to. But make a pact with yourself that you cannot do the fun thing unless you go to the doc first.

8. Honestly Explore Your Fears

Finally, if you think there’s a chance your fear stems from some past trauma you haven’t dealt with emotionally, please seek professional therapy. It can really help.

For more advice on the matter from a great gynecologist who looks at vulvas and in vaginas every day, read what Dr. Kate has to say!

Spreading the joy,
Em & Lo

* Let’s save debates about vaccinations for another website.
This post has been updated.
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Hot Tip: Add Some Lube to Your Lovin’
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LELO

Lube gets a bad rap, so we’d like to clear its name here once and for all: Store-bought personal lubricant is not a “crutch.” And reaching for the wet stuff doesn’t automatically mean you’re “not into it,” “frigid” or “kinky.”

For some women, natural lubrication doesn’t necessarily go hand-in-hand with sexual desire (wanting sex) or even arousal (being turned on). Plus, smoking, caffeine, booze, weed, stress, certain days in your menstrual cycle, and cold medicine can all dry you up.

Adding extra lubrication means your sensitive parts can take more and more kinds of stimulation without getting over-sensitive. And we’re not just talking clitorises and vulva here — penises don’t often enjoy totally dry handwork, especially when the working hands aren’t their own. Spit won’t last very long at all. Also, the anus is not self-lubricating, so if you’re into backdoor play, lube is a must.

The bottom line? Lube just makes everything feel even better!

But don’t even think about pulling a Marlon Brando and reaching for the butter (and perhaps not even the olive oil, though some nature lovers swear by it). Oils can degrade latex (i.e. break the condom!) and can also encourage vaginal infections.

So when you’re a friend in need, purpose-made lubricant is a friend indeed.

Don’t have any on your nightstand? We recommend LELO’s Personal Moisturizer — not just because we’re affiliates, but because we’re fans! It’s glycerine-free, paraben-free, unscented, pH balanced for the skin, fortified with aloe vera, water-based  for a non-greasy, non-staining finish, and safe to use with all LELO products and latex.

This post has been updated.

Want more product recommendations?
Check out our Sex Toys Section!

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Should I Be Concerned About My Rape Fantasies?
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photo via flickr

Dear Em & Lo,

I’m writing to ask you about your opinion of rape fantasies. I’ve been in a serious and loving relationship with my boyfriend for almost four years now. It’s a very egalitarian, loving, supportive and comfortable relationship. Yet both my boyfriend and I immensely enjoy acting out rape fantasies. We enjoy having other kinds of sex too, certainly. But we seem to return (consistently and pretty often) to this type of sex — and I’m always the one being dominated.

My boyfriend is sensitive to how I’m feeling and I never feel unsafe, but these sessions always leave each of us at least a little scraped or bruised. Recently, right after one of these sessions, we talked about them and wondered what it meant that we both liked them so much. I’m a very strong and feminist woman. He’s a very kind and feminist man.

So, what do you think? Do these sessions reveal that we actually have a few things we need to work out? Or, are they just another healthy/possible form of sexual expression?

— The Reluctant Sub

Dear TRS,

Are you kidding? You guys sound like you have the perfect relationship: you’re communicative with each other, supportive of one another, and comfortable enough together to act out your fantasies (many people get all giggly and self-conscious at the thought of role-playing). You even have the same fantasy — can you imagine the tragic Romeo-and-Juliet-ish nature of a relationship between a foot fetishist and someone who hated their own feet?

Domination and submission fantasies are extremely common (hello, Fifty Shades novels? Hello, Judith Krantz novels?). And they aren’t automatically indicative of past abuse or some issue that needs to be worked out. Remember, what you two are doing isn’t actually rape: you are in control of the situation and you’re being dominated by someone you want to be ravished by, by someone you’ve given consent to. We’ve said it before, we’ll say it again: Just because you like to be tied up, spanked, and called “bitch,” doesn’t mean you’re a bad feminist. And you both sound very self-aware and conscientious; in other words, not in need of therapy.

These types of D/s fantasies (as they say in the biz) can just be fun/creative/intense ways to add spice to a sexual relationship, especially long-term ones. After all, playing around with power dynamics in the bedroom can be heavy stuff (as you’ve discovered), so you need to do it with someone who has your best interests at heart, someone you can be open and honest with, someone you trust completely (i.e. playing out a rape fantasy on a blind date = really bad idea). Those in the kink community can certainly find new people they don’t know very well to dominate them after references have been  exchanged and boundaries clearly established, but there’s something nice about playing out a ravishment fantasy with someone you can go finish binging the latest Netflix series with on the couch.

The only thing you two have to work out is a safeword, like all responsible kinksters do: a signal that either of you can use in the heat of the moment that means “stop” or at least “time out,” just in case things get too uncomfortable, either physically or mentally.  Don’t make it “stop” or “no,” because when you’re acting out a scenario — and you are acting — you want to be able to use words that heighten the drama. So go with something like “Taco” (like they did for the “Blair Witch Project”) or our fave, “babyfishmouth.”

Finally, a little bruise here or there is okay: a bit of safely inflicted pain can feel kinda good when you’re in a heightened state of arousal (as anyone who’s been spanked on the tush during sex can attest). Just be careful not to get too much into character: you certainly don’t want to end up with a broken wrist and he certainly doesn’t need kicked-in nuts.

Have fun and be safe,

Em & Lo

This post has been updated.

 

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10 Ways to Sexify Your Gratitude Journal
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photo via Unsplash

Get your gratitude journal on! 

Everyone from Oprah to Real Simple to the guy at Harvard who teaches classes on happiness has talked about gratitude journals — you know, every night you write down, say, five things you were grateful for that day. Could be big things (my wonderful supportive family) or small (Honey Bunches of Oats at midnight).

Sounds too simplistic to make you feel better about your life, right? But research shows it really works! And if you’ve ever tried it, then you know it’s legit. So if you have a gratitude journal, great; if not, start one.

Then, make sure you dedicate at least one of the items on your list every day to something sex- or romance-related, to help you feel better about and really appreciate your love life.

Here are 10 examples for inspiration:

  1. My Smart Wand

  2. The response I got on my dating app today (OR: I didn’t get any gross responses on my dating app today!)

  3. The delicious homemade dinner my partner cooked for me

  4. Choosing sex over tv

  5. The look on my spouse’s face when I surprised them with a sensual massage with oil from a special massage candle

  6. Spontaneous declarations of love from my partner

  7. Glycerine-free, paraben-free, unscented, pH-balanced, non-staining, moisturizing water-based lube.

  8. My spouse’s inclination to split all house chores down the middle

  9. Discovered a new route to my orgasm!

  10. The adorable dimples my partner gets when they smile

     

Other tips for making your love life a priority:
10 Easy Ways to Work on Love

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photo via Unsplash

Okay, so we know we’re fond of saying that our sex advice requires neither a yoga mat nor a devotion to ’90s Sting. It’s not that we have anything against yogis, we just think that the ability to wrap one’s legs around one’s head isn’t necessarily the answer to everyone’s sex problems.

That said, we won’t deny science: a review of findings, published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, concluded that women who practiced the Eastern techniques of mindfulness and yoga experienced increased levels of arousal and desire and better orgasms. Aw yeah. Plus, at least one study found that yoga can help guys with premature ejaculation, too! And a recent meta-analysis of mindfulness-based therapy (MBT) on female sexual dysfunction found “All aspects of sexual function and subjective sexual well-being exhibited significant improvement during MBT.”

This research actually makes total sense to us, given that the key factor seems to be the kind of mindfulness that yoga can nurture. In other words, yoga doesn’t necessarily improve your sex life because it makes you more bendy, it improves your sex life because it helps you stay focused.

Generally speaking, women are notoriously easily distracted during sex — whereas men on the road to an orgasm generally find it much easier to maintain a one-track mind. (Why do you think so many women just aren’t that into porn? All we can think about is how bad the dialogue or dye-job is!) A woman might be having a grand old time in bed and suddenly she notices that she hasn’t shaved her legs or she hears the phone ring or she remembers that she left her phone at work and — oh, there goes her orgasm. Better luck next time.

But plenty of guys are plagued by invasive negative thoughts during sex, too. Am I big enough, am I hard enough, am I going long enough? Training to live in the moment, focus on the sensations at hand, and dismiss invasive thoughts can only help things — with or without saying “Namaste” after your sexual session.

So, if you’re interested in having better sex, turns out there are worse things you could do than to break out that yoga mat. If you resisted the trend until now, you might want to consider giving it a try. Just watch out for Inappropriate Yoga Guy.

This post has been updated.

So how exactly does this yoga thing work?
10 Yogi Skills That Will Boost Your Sex Life

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photo via flickr

Dear Em & Lo, I’m a woman and have been dating my boyfriend for five months and we have a great relationship…well, almost great. When we have sex, I have a hard time crossing the finish line. We’ve tried many positions and everything feels great. I just can’t orgasm with my boyfriend. It’s at the point that it’s getting really frustrating for me, and any help would be greatly appreciated! — Desperate for a Victory Lap

Dear DFAVL,

If you want to know how you and your boyfriend can orgasm simultaneously during penetration every time, sorry, you’re out of luck. If we knew that, we’d be richer than Oprah! We imagine it’s a technique that’s unknowable, because it doesn’t exist. Sex is complicated, and so many factors influence individuals and individual sexual sessions, that there are no guarantees. BUT! Here are 10 things we do know that will help increase your chances of orgasmic success with a partner…

1. Stop Thinking of Sex as Intercourse

We’re assuming by “sex,” you mean penile penetration. And that’s your first mistake. You say you’ve tried many intercourse positions, but maybe it’s not an intercourse position that will ultimately do it for you — maybe it’s oral sex, or handwork, or some combination of the two. There’s no shame in getting your orgasm via non-intercourse means — the majority of women don’t. Nor is there any shame in you having your orgasm and then him having his. Remember, sex — especially for women — doesn’t necessarily happen in a straight line, i.e.  your orgasm won’t necessarily be located conveniently at his finish line, or vice versa. Plus, it may be easier for you as a gal with lady bits to keep going after a Big O than it is for him with a male member. And you may find that certain intercourse positions feel even better (perhaps even orgasmic) after you’ve had one orgasm.

2. Give Attention to the Clitoris

Again, intercourse alone is orgasmic for a minority of women, given how far the clitoris is from the vaginal opening — and how key clitoral stimulation is for many women’s orgasms. So don’t forget to supplement all those positions with a little extra clitoral stimulation — your hand, his hand, a small vibrator, a helpful neighbor’s hand…

3. Three Words: Coital Alignment Technique

Learn it, live it, love it. In fact, any position where your bodies are mashed up against each other is good — because close contact means more friction down there, and more friction down there means more stimulation for her: clitoral and vulvar.

4. Try a Vibrating Love Ring

Like this one from GoodVibes. Because vibrating clitoral stimulation could be just the thing your intercourse life has been missing. You know all those times a dude looks at a sex toy and thinks, “Hey, my penis doesn’t vibrate like that?” Well, now it kind of can!

5. Show Your Partner How It’s Done

We’re assuming that you can orgasm on your own, in which case, have you tried playing a little show-and-tell and teaching your partner how to mimic that? Remember, just because your personal road to orgasm may not involve intercourse doesn’t mean the orgasm doesn’t count. Please refer back to #1.

6. Masturbate, Masturbate, Masturbate

If you can’t orgasm on your own, then scratch everything else we’ve said and start masturbating! Often! Treat yourself to a vibrator, dim the lights, think some sexy thoughts and let the love flow. Because in our twenty years of dishing sex advice, most women we’ve spoken to find it easier to learn solo first.

Even if you can orgasm on your own, it’s a good idea to mix up your masturbation practice. Try different strokes, pressures, rhythms — stuff that you might be able to incorporate easily during partner seshes.

7. Sex Toys Are Your Friend

If your partner is the jealous type, remind them that sex toys don’t cuddle and they’re useless at pillow talk. In addition to vibrating love rings, there are tons of other great toys for couples, like finger toys (which can really turn hand work up to eleven) and small pebble-like vibrators, which can nestle comfortably between your bodies.

8. Incorporate Lube

Have you lubed today? Remember, purpose-made lubricant is not a crutch and using it doesn’t mean you’re not that into the sex. In fact, lube is one of the greatest bedside accessories we know. Using lube means that your sensitive parts are less likely to get over-sensitive while you’re trying out various different hand, tongue, toy, and intercourse techniques. And you’ll avoid rug burn!

9. Try Not to Over-Think Your Orgasm

It sounds impossible, we know, but the more you stress about your happy ending, the less likely it is to happen. Sure, keep experimenting, and try out everything we’ve suggested here — but try not to think about this as a mission to O. Rather, it’s a mission to improve your sex life. Because orgasms are kind of like bad boys — the more you ignore them, the more likely they are to show up.

10. Finally, Be Patient

Five months may feel like forever to you, but in the grand orgasmic scheme you’re really only just getting going. Just because your orgasm hasn’t made an appearance yet in this relationship, doesn’t mean it won’t. Orgasms are mysterious things and sometimes things just click into place one day. Hey, long-term monogamy has got to have its benefits, otherwise we’d never enjoy the pleasure of board games.

We hate to sound like a self-help book (what color is your parachute, anyway?) but when it comes to sex, the journey is meant to be at least half the fun. Of course every woman has the right to an orgasm with her partner, and we understand your frustration, and you should definitely be demanding, but don’t forget to appreciate this great relationship and enjoy the nice-feeling sex you do have, because having a good time together is the best foundation for having an orgasmic time together.

Gooooooooooo sex!

Em & Lo

This post has been updated.

 

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