All posts by Em & Lo

The Best Bachelor Ever!

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bachelor_jason_melissa

Douche and Freckles on the season finale of The Batch

It is with great shame that I, Lo, admit to having watched almost all 17 (!) horrendous seasons of The Bachelor on ABC. But last night’s “After the Final Rose” special (an in-studio event where the betrothed and the rejected appear together 3 months after the final rose is handed out) finally made it all worthwhile. At last, pay-off!

In case you haven’t been initiated into this particular reality sorority, The Bachelor is one of the most emotionally choreographed and formulaic shows on television — the same shit always happens: the Batch pretends he can’t make up his mind between the two finalists (out of 25) who’ve somehow fallen in love with him over the course of a mere 6 weeks, it’s the hardest decision he’s ever had to make, how’s he gonna do it, blah blah blah; then miraculously, on the morning of the final rose ceremony (that’s how he picks “winners” each round: he gives his faves a rose), he’s gotten a sign from god and woken up sure of whom he’s meant to spend the rest of his life with; he pummels the heart of one and proposes to (or promise-rings) the other; the happy couple, who are contractually obligated to prance their coupledom on national television one last time, show up on the post-game special holding hands, making goo-goo eyes and fart jokes to prove their closeness; then they enter the real world where it takes about 6 to 9 months for each of them to realize that the other is a soulless shallow twit who — no way! — isn’t actually “the One,” as we read in the tabloids. (Now you understand my shame.)

Host Chris Harrison (who surely must drink himself to sleep every night in order to live with what he does for a living) is fond of promoting every single show as “the most dramatic episode ever.” It’s a baldfaced lie I’ve come to expect from him. The only time he’s come close to delivering on that promise was when, a few seasons earlier, bachelor Brad did the unthinkable and rejected both finalists (of course, after having led both of them on with overtones of the the sincerest love and deep heartfelt tongue probings). It was a rare and surprising upset to the order of the Bachelor universe. But nothing compared to what happened last night!

Your Call: What Do His Mixed Signals Mean?

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red_light_green_light photo by treeonme

We feel just awful that we can’t answer every single advice question we get, but we figure that any answer is better than no answer at all. Which is why, once a week, we’ll let you guys decide how to advise a reader. Make your call by filling out the poll after the jump:

Dear Em & Lo,
I’ve recently hung out with a co-worker a few times, and even spent the night. Nothing happened at first — my pants stayed on and we cuddled and watched TV. The last two times the pants came off and he was all about pleasing me. It’s like he didn’t want to stop, he was so into it. I returned the favor, but I expected to have sex too. He didn’t do it! When I asked why not he said it’s a “process.” I thought, oh, maybe he wants to take it slow and might want to have an actual relationship. Well, I tried making movie and dinner plans with him to sort of test it and he said he was busy both times. What’s the deal? I feel like it’s mixed signals.
–Confused (No Pants)

Dream Interpretation: My Boyf Washed My Sister's Feet, Naked

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foot_wash photo by .Harry

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. This week, a woman asks Lauri:

My boyfriend of four months is a great guy: sweet, caring, considerate, good chemistry. We live about an hour away from each other and rarely get to see one another more than once a week. Recently, I’ve started introducing him to my sisters (I have five). My sister (who’s two years older) and I live together along with her son. We’ve spent a few evenings with all of us just hanging out, letting everyone get to know each other, and my boo has gotten the verbal approval from most of my sisters.

The dream that’s been plaguing me for the past three weeks involves the sister I live with: I am at work, and call my sister to remind her to pick something up at the store for me, but my boyfriend picks up her cell phone. I’m surprised but not suspicious until I start hearing water splashing and my sister in the background asking if he’s ready to wash her feet. I ask him what they’re doing. He tells me that he can’t talk with me right now, and hands the phone to my sister. She gets on the line and asks me what’s up. I mention the item that needs to be picked up and ask what are she and my boo doing. She confirms that she’s already taken care of my request and that they are in the tub (i.e. naked) in my bathroom and that he is now proceeding to wash her feet. (My sister in reality HATES feet, and to a degree so does my boyfriend.) I ask her “When did he arrived, and why didn’t he tell me?” She puts her phone on speaker and he says he’s waiting for me, but he really can’t talk as he’s washing her feet. We all say goodbye, I finish my work day and when I get home, my sister is happy to see me and we discuss our day. She mentions the bath and that my boo is still here waiting for me in my room. I walk into my room and he’s is in my bed, asleep. When he wakes up, he’s extremely happy to see me and proceeds to tell me that he drove up to spend time with me. I attempt to pick an argument with him about driving up and spending the day with my sister, but I’m not bothered by the fact that they were both naked in my bath tub and he was washing her feet! I always wake up right before he tries to explain why he drove to our apartment when I wasn’t home.

I trust them both and have no fear of either of them betraying me. It’s just so weird. What does it mean?

(more…)

Do It Tonight! Embrace All Those Dating Cliches

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holding_hands_beach_sunset photo by mikebaird

Dates are not unlike weddings: None of the traditions are trite when they’re happening to you. For this reason, there is absolutely nothing wrong with going for long walks on the beach, making out on a shag rug in front of a roaring fire, buying each other a single red rose from someone selling them out of a bucket in a bar, visiting an Italian restaurant where they serenade you at the table, dedicating a song to each other on one of those late-night call-in radio shows, and cruising gallery openings and museum exhibits hand-in-hand. (Though don’t ever refer to a piece of art as “banal” on an early date. In fact, don’t ever do that, period.) One of the best things about falling in love (or at least like) is that you get to enjoy all those things you used to make fun of other couples for. So go on, embrace the cheese!

Blog Snog (02-27-09)

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A weekly roundup of sex- and love-related posts from some of our favorite blogs:

The Midwest Teen Sex Show finds out what happens when vaginas stop being polite and start getting real.
A new blog anonymously posts people’s “25 Things About My Sexuality” lists.
Feministing reviews the fabu Chicago sex shop, Early to Bed.
College Candy makes a kind of ingenious comparison of different kinds of romantic interests (e.g. one night stands, friends with benefits, the love of your life, etc) to cell phones.
Bitch Buzz‘s justification for our existence: why sharing your sex stories is important.
Boinkology collects the best (and worst) of Etch a Sketch porn.

Celebrities Do It Too (02-27-09)

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angelina_jolie photo by chris_natt

Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp are the two top rated celebrities on the “sex pass” list…you know, the celebrities that your significant other supposedly gives you permission to sleep with. We’re guessing that “I have a sex pass to sleep with you” is bottom on the list of pickup lines that would work with either of them.
Speaking of Angelina, something tells us that John Mayer is probably regretting the time he said that she was the ultimate fantasy woman. (Though we have to say, much as we love to mock the Mayer, his joke about Brad Pitt having it so, so rough because he’s got no one left to fantasize about is pretty damn funny.)
People are shocked — shocked! — that it’s not just lesbians who find Rachel Maddow sexy. We are not shocked at all.
50 Cent just launched his own condom line, bless his cotton socks.
Lady Gaga wants you to think she’s naked on the streets of Paris. Either that or she wants you to know that she’s really, really into leotards.
Apparently in China it’s totally legal to overdub a celebrity’s image with words they never said. Which means that David Beckham, Keanu Reeves, and Sean Connery are now unwitting spokesmen for erectile dysfunction pills.
Want to smell like a pornstar? Yeah, us neither.

Do It Tonight! Try a Polyurethane Condom

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trojan_supra

When you consider the long history of condoms (they’ve been around since people started putting tortoiseshells on their jammies), one of the more recent developments is polyurethane: the material of the future, a Walt Disney wet dream, plastic. The benefits of polyurethane are myriad: Much, much thinner, odor-free and tasteless, transparent and thus respectful of every erection’s inherent beauty, not as sensitive to direct heat and light, compatible with any and all lubricants (including oil-based ones), more heat-conductive than latex (a major factor in men’s pleasure), and hypoallergenic. But — and there’s always a but — it’s not as elastic as latex, so it can’t stretch as much before breaking (which is just another great reason to use lube — it helps reduce the likelihood of breakage). You might also find them a bit “crinkly.” A few years ago, a Slate author rated the Trojan Supra polyurethane condom as the best (for himself). Apparently back then they were only available with Nonoxynol-9 (bummer!), but now they’re just lubricated without spermicide (yay!). (We wish Trojan was paying us, but they’re not.)

Your Call: Should He Return the Favor?

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no_oral_sex_sign photo by rick

We feel just awful that we can’t answer every single advice question we get, but we figure that any answer is better than no answer at all. Which is why, every now and then, we’ll let you guys decide how to advise a reader. Make your call by filling out the poll after the jump:

Dear Em & Lo

My guy loves it when I go down on him but he rarely goes down on me he says that he isn’t into it. Is it normal for a guy to be like that and be straight? I mean I will continue to go down on him but I think he should return the favor. Am I wrong for wanting that?

— Stuck on a One-Way Street

Books: Tasting Him

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Rachel Kramer Bussel is a sex writer who makes us feel like all we do is sit on our couches eating candy. She’s published 26 — count ’em, 26! — books on the subject. Two of her most recent titles are a matching set on oral sex — Tasting Him and Tasting Her. (Admittedly, not our favorite titles, but you try coming up with something catchier.) Today she sits down with us to chat about fellatio tips and tales; stay tuned for her interview on Tasting Her next week.

E&L: We hear from so many women who don’t really enjoy going down on their guys. What can you tell them to help them enjoy it more?

RKB: Well, I think for some people, they’re just not into it, and that’s fine. Maybe part of the reason they aren’t is that some guys can be a little overeager when it comes to getting head, and instead of lying back and letting the person giving the blowjob ease into it and figure out their own pace, rhythm and technique, they want to run the show. That can be hot for some, but I think especially if you’re a woman and not so into going down, make him put his hands behind his head and shut up, and let you take control. That will at least give you the power to figure out what parts of giving a blowjob you do and don’t like and you won’t be rushed.

Some people say there’s no such thing as a bad blowjob. Do you agree?

Confession: My New Crush Is HIV+

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hiv_campaign photo by ChrisLee0407

Our contributor Anonymous Bosch is a college student on the west coast. And that’s all he’s prepared to say right now. Except this…

All my life, I have been schooled in the ways of safer sex by everyone from school to PSAs to my mother: If you don’t want to contract a sexually transmitted virus, then always don a condom, always search for blisters of any kind around the genitals (your partner’s and your own), and never have sex with someone you know is infected. And that’s what I’ve always done — in my mind, there was no other way to do it.

So what happens when, after growing tired of the random hookup scene, you finally find that special someone you think you feel a connection with and you discover he lives with HIV?

Last semester, I found myself attracted to a student on campus who exuded an effervescent happiness wherever he went. I couldn’t seem to tear myself away from him. I started by confessing my feelings to a friend who lives far away and knows no one at my school. She told me it was a bad idea: She felt I was pursuing this man “because it’s the penultimate thing a gay man can do.” (Right before getting HIV yourself, I presume.) But to be quite honest, one needs only watch me scamper across the busy street on my block to realize that I’m the last person who needs to “prove” how gay they are. Her diagnosis of my attraction to this man was way off.

So I decided to confide in a close friend on campus. Her reaction was even more startling:

“You can’t like him. He’s HIV+. People won’t allow for it.”

Celebrities Do It Too (02-24-09)

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hugh_jackman photo by KrappR

Hugh Jackman proves he’s worthy of the Sexiest Man Alive title by staying married to his (let’s just say it) less attractive wife, being cool to work with, putting on the first decent Oscars opening in a long time, and giving Barbara Wawa a lap dance as if she wasn’t 100 years old.
Gawker compiles clips of Academy Award-winning actresses’ “Oscargasms.”
Speaking of orgasms, Lisa “Life Preserver Lips” Rinna gets a little Oh-y over Valentino on the red carpet.
“Milk” is a winner (in more ways than one) and best actor Sean Penn and best original screenplay writer Dustin Lance Black give inspired acceptance speeches about equal rights.
Billy Crudup’s penis as the blue and naked Doctor Manhattan in the movie version of the graphic novel Watchmen is uncharacteristically large. And this is a problem…?
Megalomaniacal Kanye West characteristically over-exaggates his normal sex drive into a full-blown sexual addiction.
Jeff Koons is creating a 161-foot sculpture that resembles a crane lifting a giant penis train that ejaculates steam for 26 million dollars. A little perspective: the Lincoln Memorial is 19 feet tall. Twenty-six million is what the Red Cross said was needed to feed millions of hungry Africans in Zimbabwe last summer.
Beating up your girlfriend is some really fucked up shit.

Wise Guys: Why Are Men Into Strip Clubs?

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photo via flickr

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: Why are some guys so into strip clubs? Do most guys buy into the fantasy that the stripper is actually enjoying herself — or don’t they care?

Straight Single Guy (Colin): Lots of guys aren’t into strip clubs. Probably more are kind of weirded out by them than you might think. For the ones who do enjoy an outing to the nearest nudie bar, it’s usually about the visual overload of the body parts we fantasize about all day long. Finally we can be praised for overtly staring at a woman’s breasts. We might imagine what women around us look like naked and a strip club is an opportunity to live the dream. It’s fun to pretend the stripper is enjoying herself, and some are at some times, but in the end it’s just pretending and most of us probably know — like a twelve your old who still plays into his parents leaving milk and cookies out for Santa Claus.

Gay Engaged Guy (Joel Derfner, author of Swish): I’m not sure I’m really in a position to answer this, because I’ve worked as a stripper, and I kind of loved it. This is one way in which it’s much easier to be a gay man than a straight man: you don’t have to worry that you’re objectifying female sex workers.

That said: I think the fantasy that the stripper is enjoying herself is exactly what makes strip clubs so exciting. (more…)

Dream Interpretation: I Suddenly Miss My Ex

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passionate_kiss_closeup1 photo by The Prophet

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. (By the way, she’s got a newly relaunched website up where you can get more free interpretations). This week, a woman asks Lauri:

My husband and I have been separated for two years now and all of a sudden I am having dreams where we are back together. I thought I was over him and he even has a new girlfriend. They leave me so confused.

Lauri: These dreams are not so much about him, but rather what the two of you used to have: happiness, friendship, commitment. At one point in time you had all of these things together, so he has now come to represent these things to your dreaming mind. One or all of these is missing from your life now, so your dreaming mind is saying to you, “Remember this? We want this sort of thing back.” Yes, when you look at this dream and try to understand it with your literal waking mind, it can be confusing. But when you can look at it in its symbolic form, it makes sense. (more…)

Do It Tonight! Clean Your Room

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bedroom photo by jinkazamah

Your bedroom should be a sacred space for rest, relaxation, and rolling in the hay. Any reminders of everyday stresses — CNN on the television, files you brought home from the office, stacks of unpaid bills, your cellphone — can fill your room with negative energy. If you look over your honey’s shoulder and see some work you need to finish or a K2 of laundry you need to do, your brain can all too easily wander over to that task, which will kill arousal. And then, next thing you know, you’re thinking “It’s not that I don’t love the sex, it’s just that I just have so much to do!” To fix that, spend an hour (okay, 20 minutes) tonight cleaning your closet (or at least shutting the doors to it), ditching the colossal pile of magazines next to your bed that you’ll never get around to reading, removing the worn clothes hanging over the back of that chair, and making the space a computer/TV-free zone. Light some candles, turn on some nice relaxing music, and put some soft, clean sheets on your bed.

Ladies: What Was Your Breakthrough Orgasm Moment?

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orgasm_stairs photo by ellievanhoutte

We’re researching a magazine article about women’s orgasms, and we want to hear your stories: What happened when you first had an orgasm, or when you first had one with a partner, or during intercourse, or with a vibrator…or without a vibrator. Or tell us how you became multi-orgasmic, or how you figured out how to have an orgasm in under 30 seconds! Perhaps it was a book you read, a workshop you took, a new technique you or your partner tried, a hot scene from adult sites like young sexer, a new position in yoga class or new exercise at the gym, a new sex toy, a new lube, a new shower nozzle, a new mind-set. Etc. Email your best breakthrough moment (and how it happened) to emlo [at] emandlo.com — or friend us on Facebook and send it to us in a private message there. Anonymity honored. Thanks for sharing! When the article comes out, we’ll be sure to post it — plus our favorite outtakes — here.

Blog Snog (02-20-09)

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kiss_park_bench photo by pedrosimoes7

A weekly roundup of sex- and love-related posts from some of our favorite blogs.

YourTango explains why men are sloppy kissers. Apparently biology can explain all that tongue action.
Our hilarious pals at the Frisky present their 44 Steps to Dumping a Boyfriend (their response to that genius video going around, How to Break Up with Your Girlfriend in 64 Easy Steps).
Liza at CollegeCandy helps break down the latest sex research: Turns out when a man sees a photo of a woman in a bikini, the part of his brain associated with empathy shuts down. Yay.
Thanks to LiveSteez for this: Bristol Palin says that, on second thoughts, maybe abstinence-only education isn’t “realistic.” What’s that saying about the toothpaste and the tube…?
But according to PopEater, Joe Jonas doesn’t care: He’s still wearing his purity ring, dammit! Er, Gosh darn it.
The gals at Feministing catch Details in a truly trashy moment.
Jezebel wonders what your mama used to call your vagina, so they can pass on the wisdom to all those mothers of girls who find the term vagina a bit too vagina-y.
Thanks to BitchBuzz for reminding us that it’s not always “stalking” — sometimes it’s just “taking a chance and going after what you want.” Because, sure, some guys are just not that into you, but plenty of others are just not that sure what they want and need a little gentle persuading.

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