42 Comments

1. Jerks everywhere

2. I am very confident that the whole issue started when she denied him sex, too tired, not feeling well, he strayed and it went form there.

3. OF COURSE, kinksters will spout till they’re blue in the face about how BDSM didn’t ruin this marriage, but it did. it’s only BDSM that did this, not mere “infidelity”–he got into kink and that ended interest in his marriage, not sex outside marriage.

   you SHOULD feel ashamed for having these “feelings”–saying otherwise is saying it’s all right to contemplate another’s distress as a fun pastime.

   OH! CONSENT MAKES IT ALL GO AWAY! no, it doesn’t. consent is hardly proof against lies, manipulation, coercion and abuse. she tried the scene and saw it FOR WHAT IT IS, a bunch of garbage from people who can’t figure out how to love sanely.

   you go, girl. pursue the light. BDSM just shits on it.

   1. We have to disagree Nancy. There’s nothing inherent in the safe, sane and consensual practice of BDSM that would make someone lie and cheat. There are other factors at work here: a lack of communication, a willingness to lie, a willingness to engage in infidelity, incompatible sexual needs, and perhaps even some sexual compulsivity. These are the kind of things that can destroy a relationship, even if the person is only interested in vanilla, missionary sex. You said it yourself: lies, manipulation, coercion and abuse are the problem — and they can happen in any relationship, not just kinky ones. The BDSM community is not free of abusers, but we’d argue that the community’s overall strong commitment to communication and consent makes it even safer than typical vanilla populations, which often don’t know how to talk about sex openly, negotiate desires, or have open minds when it comes to sex variety.

   2. I’m am so sorry you are so ignorant to the magical and beautiful world of BDSM. It brings nothing but light, peace, and positivity to my life.

      1. Maybe it could have to mine as well, but my husband was more like Gulherme, abusive, name caller, rager, insulter…..no thanks. He divorced me so that he could get a hard core BDSM partner.

4. The longer I was married, the less my wife was willing to do. She started out trying a few things, but each ended once her curiosity was satisfied. It got to the point where she claimed to feel slutty doing missionary sex. It didn’t matter how I tried to get her to talk about these issues, either. She would always refuse. Even in counselling, I was always the problem. IF the counsellor didn’t take that position in our sessions, she’d end them.

   I gave up. It’s been close to five years since I have anything resembling sex with my wife. I don’t care anymore.

5. Just so it’s been said again and again and to not nit pick your terms and wording as I know it isn’t your world. However, your partners inability to be true to himself is the issue. That would have been the case whether it was sexual preference, BDSM, faith, or any other thing that’s part of our core self we attempt to hide from our partner and sadly often times ourselves. I don’t want people reading your words and feeling shame if they have those feelings, I don’t want them thinking only a man can be a “Dom” and I don’t want them thinking it isn’t a freely given exchange. You didn’t consent to your situation which really sucks but I also empathize with him suppressing such a huge part of himself for so long, you’re both paying a huge price for it. I personally like BDSM because it is a more honest and real, accepting and understanding dynamic and that’s how it’s meant to be if done properly. It isn’t just sexual by any means! And as a side note, I fully support my children being completely true to themselves and they know they’re loved, supported, and accepted unconditionally. I actually found out not long ago my oldest daughter had an account on the same fetish site I do, we both thought it was funny not weird or awkward.

6. Your statement, “I am not excited by the “confusion” that BDSM brings into the “complicated” division of power between a man and a wife”, actually addresses the problem more than you think. First of all, infidelity ruined your marriage, not BDSM. BDSM is the celebration of the consensual division of power between a man and woman. For people in the lifestyle it’s not “confusion” at all, it’s the most defined aspect of it. And the division is not “complicated” but adored by both. And yes it’s not understood by people outside of the BDSM mindset.

   I understand your judgment of BDSM but the problem lies in how your husband handled his commitment to your marriage and choosing infidelity. Unfortunately, true followers of BDSM do gravitate towards these relationships and like me, can’t fathom doing vanilla, what we refer to as non BDSM relationships, again.

   I am sorry your marriage fell apart and I hope you have found happiness with what you need in a relationship. That is what we are all after.

   1. I don’t really understand the power thing. We have a kind of equal marriage although she does look at me as her head. If someone wants to be tied up or something it doesn’t have to mean the marriage changes. It’s just things some like to do in the bedroom I would have thought. I think it better we keep away from the power thing. I tend to lead in the bedroom but that is the natural thing we slot into.

   2. I agree. Being unfaithful by sex outside marriage is not a solution. Some say it is not sex but I think they deceive themselves. In my book it is a part of it, so it is sex outside of marriage. My own marriage is vanilla and bdsm for want of a better word as my wife is vanilla but I think to force it on her when she would feel pain is wrong. I know, I tried it, hoping that she would like it but I could tell she wasn’t switched on by it. Now she is the one with the paddle and it works fine. We have a good marriage and she is comfortable with what I ask her to do although I make sure I do what she wants as well. Life would be easier if I was vanilla but it is what it is and for me it adds that extra excitement without which I couldn’t imagine what it would be like.

7. Wow this is my life right now, except it is my wife that is the one doing the bdsm and cheating. I also have 3 young kids and need to get out of this hell of a marriage.

8. I think the problem was unfaithfulness rather than bdsm. Pornography is a mental unfaithfulness in the sense of a husband getting his needs met elsewhere. Obviously pornography will blow up any fetish and open the floodgates to all sorts of things. In a faithful marriage however if one of the spouses has a kink this can usually be handles in a loving way. I’m the one with a kink involving a paddle but that is as far as it goes. There is pleny of vanilla sex but ocasionally I need something different and a paddle will supply that excitement.

9. Tbh, I have a daughter, and I would be happy with her doing anything that made HER happy. If that’s BDSM, then so be it. Some people enjoy that type of playful sex, and who the hell are we to criticize another person’s sexiality?
   HOWEVER, you do not want to do BDSM. That’s ok, but as you realize, you will not meet his needs that way. The best thing for this marriage is for it to end. He’s obviously not happy sexually and neither are you. If he tries to repress these needs, then he will just act out later. He needs the excitement of the BDSM to be fulfilled, and you need the gentleness of vanilla sex. Both of those are fine. Neither of you is right about a sexual preference. The only thing that should have been done different is that he should have voiced these feelings BEFORE cheating. That way you guys could have talked about it and either done it or divorced without you feeling lied to. Just go ahead and quit while you guys are ahead because he cannot stop. You both deserve to be happy. Just do not let your anger bleed over to how you talk about him to your kids. The worst thing divorced parents can do is to insult the opposite parent. It is extremely common in divorces, and it is also extremely damaging to the kids. Both of you need to divorce like adults and then raise the kids separately. While doing that, you both need to be friends and work together to finish raising the kids. Please do not make your marriage troubles affect the way you guys parent. I dont know if this would even be a problem because I don’t know you. I was just making a statement about a common problem with divorces due to all the negative emotions both parties have. Good luck to you and your husband. I hope you both finds what brings you guys happiness. 🙂

   1. You are probably right. The big mistake was going outside of marriage for it. It probably could have been dealt with in marriage. My wife is vanilla so to speak and two years into my marriage I was getting these powerful urges through reading wrong adverts etc. so I bit the bullet and asked her if she would spank me, which she did and the desire was contained in the marriage and she has become very comfortable with it. It doesn’t include any domination, punishment type stuff or DD as I knew that would have been wrong for me and wrong for her. That she was willing to that for me cured the situation and made me feel very close to her in the sense of sharing my worst secret but still being loved and accepted. I really love her more for it.

      1. Tony, I’m in a similar situation as you. My wife is on antidepressants which have the well-known effect of killing sex drive. She knows it and wishes those side effects were not there. But I confessed my BDSM proclivity to her even before we were married and she accepted it. We married later in life and I think most unmarried people who are at least somewhat sexually active will have experienced some kinky sex during their lives. She’s had some kinkiness of her own in relationships (if you could call it that) herself. We’ve acted out BDSM only a few times, but the love-making was fantastic afterwards. It makes me feel incredibly close to her like nothing else does.

         Unfortunately, she’s not exactly into it the same way I am or with quite the same intensity. I’m trying to coax her to involve some of her deeper, past fantasies into our sex life too, but it is difficult because of the libido-killing antidepressant side effects. However, she has actually given me permission to either see a prostitute/dominatrix or to have an actual affair. I think that’s very compassionate and understanding of her. We have a very strong marital bond. BDSM is just a sexual proclivity that some people have, and happily it is now being seen as NOT a mental disorder by the mental health community, and is increasingly part of mainstream sex. In situations such as ours, where where one partner has a need for BDSM and the other not so much, and who also has libido problems caused by medication, sex and marriage can be somewhat separated from each other. It takes compassion, wisdom and trust to let that happen. It just makes my wife more sexy and sophisticated in my eyes.

         I’m trying to give her an opportunity to engage in BDSM with me at least a little, perhaps by whipping me so that my needs are just minimally met at least, even it doesn’t result in mutual sex with her every time. She’s smart and caring enough to do that. I haven’t ruled out seeing a dominatrix or having a relationship with someone at a BDSM club (there are some in my city). But I would never do that without her consent, and would stop if she withdrew consent. But I think the first choice and opportunity for BDSM should be within our marriage so I’m going to give it another good shot. I’m finding all kinds of research articles and books on BDSM and fantasies and sharing them with her. And I remind readers here that worldwide, prostitution is legal in most countries. I think it serves a genuine, legitimate purpose for situations such as ours. It’s a safety valve. It’s too bad the original poster here drew such a black-and-white line between having a marriage where sexual needs weren’t being met and her husband’s affair which she saw as deceitful and adulterous. If he had been seeing a prostitute instead, I wonder, (and if he revealed this earlier on), would she see it in a more forgiving light and as a wake-up call for her own sexual attitudes. I don’t know. Although I understand her being upset at finding out the full-blown adultery—although I suspect it was merely a BDSM sexual affair outlet— it sounds like she’s selfish really, and her husband always had to tiptoe around her disapprovals. And in my opinion, in countries where prostitution is legal and common, married women typically DON’T control the relationship with their sexual denial. They either give their husbands what they want, or let them get it with a prostitute or through an affair. And women can do the same.

         This story also brings up the issue of WHEN in a relationship to disclose one’s BDSM desires—early in the relationship; before marriage; after marriage? In my experiences, doing it early in the relationship, let’s say when sex is becoming a regular thing, is best. In my experiences most women are amazingly tolerant and understanding of it. And, to my surprise in the MAJORITY of girlfriend relationships over my life, they already fantasize about it and/or have already done some BDSM themselves. The lesson here is to be true to yourself—it really does make you feel better and work out for the best. You have found that out yourself.

10. I really sympathise. I think the marriage is doomed through adultery. Sex should never go outside of the marriage. I think if someone feels the need to spank the other it is not right if they don’t like it and it speaks pain to them. My wife is not switched on by me spanking her and I recognised that quickly. If it didn’t switch her on then it wouldn’t switch me on. The word bdsm means cruelty to some people and one shouldn’t change that. If people like to be spanked or something then that is okay. His mental adultery started with porn then became actual. You have every basis for ending the marriage.

11. I have to say that the writer is clearly in a lot of pain – but I disagree that BDSM ruined her marriage. Her husbands affair (or affairs) ruined her marriage. He cheated & lied & snuck around – that he did it while pursuing BDSM doesn’t have anything to do with it. The fact that he said he doesn’t think he will find happiness with a sub – but is ‘in to deep’ is either a cop out or a way to try and say what he thinks he should.
    I also agree that the writer is very judgmental about BDSM, which in the situation does make sense. While there are some people that lead a 24/7 ‘slave’ lifestyle, that is by far the minority. I am no doormat – far from it. I am a strong intelligent woman. I would never let myself be abused or taken advantage of. My Dom would not have been interested in me if I was like that. To give up all the power & control I have for a time – it is empowering.
    BDSM doesn’t mean there is no gentleness. There can be loving glances, supportive hugs & certainly an equal say in household and financial matters. Some people keep things very compartmentalized, some have more of a blending. It depends on the specific people and their specific relationship. Comparing a BDSM sub to her mother who was a ‘submissive person’ is not in any way valid. To avoid or not believe abuse being done to your child is not submissiveness. It is a sign of abuse in her which may have been physical or emotional & is in itself a form of abuse. While it is not uncommon for some women that have had past traumas to be drawn to the lifestyle (as I said it can be very empowering) for some it is not something that they could ever do without reliving past pain.
    From the point I began a BDSM relationship I realized that the chances of me having a relationship that did not include it were almost zero. It was something I was looking for, there was a lack & now that I know what it is I wouldn’t want to do without it. Someone doesn’t wake up one day – decide to try BDSM with someone not their partner and then say they can’t live without it. There is a process that leads to it – and certainly a process that leads someone to cheat to get to it.
    It is very unfortunate that her husband chose to go this route – it may not have ended any differently, but it certainly could have been done with a lot less pain and anger if he had been more honest. The desire for BDSM does not mean you need to lie & cheat and bring deep emotional pain to someone you love.

    1. Having been in her shoes myself, I would have to agree that BDSM is indeed a contributing factor to the end of the marriage. My husband felt the need to watch porn regularly, and became increasingly interested in bondage. Trying to be a good wife, I played along with the lighter stuff, but when he wanted to tie me spread-eagle to a bed, blindfolded, and introduce items I couldn’t see, that was enough. Where does he go from here? Wanting to introduce me to the “wonderful and beautiful world of shibari and rope bondage.” Hell no. I do not choose to be degraded, and the thought that he wanted me to consider it kind of made me angry. So, instead of letting me know he can’t go on with the marriage without getting his kink on, binding me like a pig and asking me to submit (right), he goes and looks for companionship outside of the marriage, and gleefully posts pornographic pics of himself and his skank on the internet, where guess-who found them and sent them to her lawyer? So yes, if it wasn’t for this insane need to degrade someone, our marriage might still be intact. To say this whole mess pisses me off is an understatement.

       1. Any BDSM is always by consent in a marriage. Porn is mental adultery and sex outside of a marriage is adultery. I think the porn affected him and anyone who watches porn will be risking their marriage whether they are into BDSM or not. You have the right to say no in a marriage and each of us should be big enough to receive a no in a marriage. You co-operated as far as you could but your needs should have been paramount as well in the marriage. Very sad.

       2. I am truly sorry for your pain. I was married for 31 years . My ATT husband lied, cheated, mismanaged money, and ultimately blew up a home with a MLC.
          Through this negative experience I vowed to myself to pursue knowledge about :
          Sex
          Relationships
          Men
          Women
          Myself

          I have been investigating and researching for going on four years presently.
          Through this I have learned about BDSM.
          It is an umbrella of many lifestyle choices.

          You were given a gift , when your husband came to you with his desires and needs.
          He felt enough trust with you to do so.

          He was green and didn’t know how to share with you in a non-threatening, clear way.

          I am sorry you didn’t do some reading and research for yourself, for what he wanted was
          to add to the trust and devotion. Ultimately what he desired was growth and a deeper level
          with YOU , the woman he loved.
          There is plenty of information. Some is not so good but plenty of wonderful blogs and sites, as well
          as books.

          What you saw as degrading , he saw as beautiful. He loved you enough to come to you and
          bare his soul. He trusted you enough to make himself completely vulnerable to you.
          He was ultimately the one degraded and judged.

          The human body is a work of art. Shibari is the Japanese form of rope and body art.
          http://www.artofcontemporaryshibari.com/?page_id=29

          He wanted to
          combine eroticism and art with YOU his wife. Ultimately he did not reject you, you rejected him.

          I can feel your pain and your anger. From your experience, I hope you decide to educate yourself.
          Learn what is available, and learn to accept your part in your past marriage. Forgive yourself
          for what you too contributed, and forgive him for being human as well.
          Sexuality is extremely personal, private, and vulnerable.
          I have learned so much in the time my marriage terminated. I accept my part
          in the dissolution and accept myself and my ex for who we are. Human, fallible, and
          Individuals.

          I have discovered that a relationship with radical honesty is the best for me. Lying has no
          place between a couple. Hopefully you will learn to accept someone for all of who they are.
          Grow together, change or not, but accept the whole person. Even if there needs are different
          than yours. I now am able to look back and see I was given a gift. Would I choose a different
          presentation, YES! But it is still a gift!

          M

          1. That’s beautiful.

12. @Rose- really? That last paragraph smacks of judgment to me. She implies that our lives lack love and warmth, asks us if we’d want our children participating in BDSM, and assures us that we just don’t get how great vanilla can be. I get it, she’s very hurt and lashing out, but if that last paragraph isn’t judgment, I don’t know what judgment is.
    I’ve actually heard a lot of stories like yours, of BDSM players who have worked through past trauma. It’s infortunate that the letter writer’s husband seems to have re traumatized her.

13. Nancy appears to find the idea of BDSM horrifying which, given her background, is quite reasonable. Asking her to participate in it thus verges on evil and if her husband pressured her in this way her marriage is over.

    However, if her husband is trying to keep his marriage together by integrating his needs into their life and does not appreciate the pain he is causing, he is simply an idiot. There is a lot of that going around.

    There is no logical reason why her husband cannot be allowed to express his BDSM needs outside the marriage. That option should be considered; it is surely better than breaking up an otherwise functioning family. A great deal of Nancy’s initial hurt was caused by her husband’s deceptions as much as by why he was deceiving her.

    Finally, as previously noted, there is a clear lack of communication in the relationship. Counseling with a sex-positive therapist should be a first step no matter how the situation resolves.

    Not everything can be fixed. Even some fixable things can become unfixable if one waits too long. This one doesn’t have a fairy tale happy ending. However, it CAN be resolved better than it is being resolved by ending the blaming and starting the understanding.

    1. I cannot believe the advise you are giving. Getting his needs met outside of the marriage? You obviously do not understand what a real marriage is.

       1. Actually, Tony, it sounds like you do not. A real marriage satisfies both partners. Physically as well as emotionally and intellectually. Nancy’s husband seems to be sparing her his needs, which she finds objectionable; what they need to do is communicate better. And, you need to judge less.

          1. Yes a real marriage should satisfy both partners but in my opinion goingoutside of marriage for any sex would seriously destabilise the marriage. You are entitled to disagree but if it is a forum then there will be other opinions.

             1. you are entitled to an opinion, but not to judge.

             2. I can’t judge somebody’s heart but I am entitled to judge an action which is what I did. If I committed paedophilia for instance many would quite rightly judge that to be wrong.

             3. Wrong again. Pedophilia is against the law, morality issues aside. What you are doing is judging those who live a lifestyle alternate to your own. This marriage, as most, was doomed by a simple lack of communication. If they had been honest with each other things may well have turned out differently.

             4. You mean going outside of marriage for sex? I have no doubts that is wrong personally as it is adultery and grounds for divorce if it was needed. The law does not cover every moral decision. I don’t think it is judging to say that any more than saying paedophilia is not right.

             5. And, again, wrong my friend. If you and your partner agree that sex outside of your marriage is wrong, then it’s wrong – for YOU. What you cannot do is judge (by your religious/moral standards) how others choose to live their married life. Morals are not universal, they are relative. I do not think less of you because you choose to live a monogamous lifestyle. What gives you the right to judge my polyamorous one? What 2 fully consenting adults choose to do together, or apart, is their business – not to be judged by anyone other than the partner(s) involved in that agreement. My boyfriend and I are in a committed relationship; he is free to see other women, and I other men, as we see fit (there are rules, mostly centered on protection). We are quite happy, open, and, satisfied. No one gets hurt, and our other partners are aware of the situation. That’s because — wait for it — we *communicate*. Oh, and we refuse to be judged by people so close-minded that they see fault in lifestyles dissimilar to their own.

             6. We have to make judgements for ourselves and our children and you must know that I would never live that lifestyle and thankfully my children do the same. You are free to do what you want. We will all reap what we sow in the end.

             7. Yes! Exactly my point. I wish you and your family a very Happy New Year.

             8. Your posts seem to start with wrong again and you tell me not to judge. Seems like you break your own rules.

    2. He married one person, his wife. He is meant to be true to her, to not betray her, and not to screw around on her. Why should she give up her self respect and dignity by giving him the ok to have his super happy bondage times outside of the marriage? That classless idiot should have been upfront and asked for a divorce before he decided to get his freak on outside of the marriage, and spare his wife the humiliation and embarrassment.

14. I understand what you’re saying Nikki, but I feel like Nancy was actually very respectful to the BDSM world. I didn’t feel in any way judged, but I did think she brought up some interesting points about BDSM relationship dynamics and what that means for different people.

    As a survivor of sexual abuse AND as someone who enjoys playing with power dynamics, I’ve worked through these things a lot. When I was raped in college, and molested as a child, I was in a vulnerable and “submissive” position. Things were done to me against my will.

    So I still often feel intense guilt that as an adult I enjoy rough sex and power play. How could someone who has experienced what I have EVER enjoy being submissive to anyone? It’s a difficult question, and it took me a long time to deal with the shameful feelings surrounding this.

    Thankfully I have a wonderful partner who knows my history and has created a kind of shorthand language I can use in the moment to describe my level of comfort. I’ve also had issues where the things I’m doing sexually unexpectedly trigger the previous memories of abuse.

    Sexual inclinations are complex. Often they fulfill some kind of need or drive. I think for me that being a submissive takes the pressure off performance. It also allows my partner to take care of me, and it’s one of the few times when I am really able to relax and let MY needs get met. I’ve spent so long taking care of others, that I think I actually feel safer when I can sit back and let someone I trust take care of my needs.

    These are complex issues though, and I think just having a dialogue about them is a step in a positive direction.

15. I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I wouldn’t wish divorce on anyone. However, I think you’re (understandably) looking for a scapegoat, and are laying blame where it probably shouldn’t go. I’m not so sure it’s just about the BDSM. It sounds like the biggest factor in damaging your marriage was your husband cheating, lying, sneaking around, and withdrawing from his family. That would be hugely damaging to a relationship whether it involved kink or not.

    It’s also OK and perfectly understandable not to be interested in or enjoy BDSM at all. That doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with those of us who do. We dot all conduct ourselves the way your husband did. Most of us are honest and up front about who we are and what we do, and don’t expect anyone to do things that make them uncomfortable. You’re saying some pretty judgmental things about is though, which I’m assuming is coming out of a lot of pain. I don’t have children, but if I did, I wouldn’t play in front of them, just like you wouldn’t have vanilla sex in front of yours. And if my kids turned out to be kinky, I’d want them to be happy. When done “right,” BDSM relationships can be very loving and supportive. And many of us, myself included, enjoy vanilla pleasures as well. That’s just not the only thing on our buffet, so to speak.

    Again, I’m so sorry for what your husband put you through. You’ve been treated horribly. But please don’t paint us all with the same brush.

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