Our contributor, who wishes to remain anonymous, has a confession to make.
I always thought cheating was a deal-breaker. I imagined if my boyfriend so much as kissed another girl, I would dump him without an ounce of regret. There would be no “get out of jail free” card for my boyfriend or giving him the benefit of a doubt. It would be, “Sayonara sucker. You just ruined the best thing in your life.” I always thought I would stick to my guns if he cheated.
And then he did. And I didn’t. Because it turns out it was so much more complicated than I had imagined.
I’d had my suspicions for a while, and I finally confronted my boyfriend, telling him that if he loved and respected me at all then he would admit to his infidelities. I told him I needed the truth because I wasn’t able to live with the insecurities my suspicions had created. And he told me he had slept with four girls over the past two years of our relationship.
I spent hours struggling to come up with a solution. Do I dump him like I always promised myself I would, or do I give him another chance? Part of me believed cheaters didn’t deserve second chances. Once a cheater, always a cheater, right? But when I put myself in his, the cheater’s shoes, I realized that I would want a second chance too, a chance to prove that I could change. And the chance to change, I thought, is something everyone deserves.
It definitely helped that I didn’t find out about the cheating by walking in on him and another girl in the act. Call me crazy, but I admired him for coming clean even when he knew it might jeopardize the future of our relationship. I could tell as he talked that he felt terrible.
Still, I was extremely confused by how understanding and empathetic I felt toward him. I felt that my love for him rendered me weak, and a strong woman wouldn’t think twice about kicking such an insensitive jerk like him to the curb. And my empathy certainly didn’t derive from similar experiences — I had never cheated on him nor had I ever been tempted.
Unable to understand what felt like an irrational response, I looked to my relationship with someone I love deeply: my mom. For years I lied to her — about everything from money to my whereabouts — knowing that it broke her heart. But instead of giving up on me she tried even harder to help me understand that lying is a terrible quality for someone to possess.
I still lie from time to time, but when I do I am now able to take responsibility for my lies and admit the truth. I feel guilt and remorse when I lie. I didn’t before. By not giving up on me she taught me what unconditional love really is. She was able to overcome her anger in order to help me. And now I wanted to help my boyfriend.
The following weeks were difficult. To be honest, three months later, it still is. On a daily basis he told me how sorry he was, how he wished he could take it back, how much he loved me and despite what he did, always has, and how he would do anything to prove to me he was changing. I told him I didn’t want to hear it until we got an STD and HIV test. We did and thankfully everything came back negative. After that, I felt a lot better. We hung our test results on the fridge and spent a lot of time discussing how he was going to change.
The more we talked, the more I felt confident about my decision to give him another chance. But I couldn’t help but ask questions like, “What were their names? Where did it take place? Did you enjoy it? Did you orgasm?” And of course, there was always the, “Why?” In retrospect, none of the details mattered. Hearing his answers just made it more painful. The more details I received, the more elaborate my visions of him with the other girls became. Our sex life was quickly affected and ceased to exist at one point. It felt meaningless now, knowing he had been equally intimate with other girls.
There was something missing and I soon realized it was trust. The funny thing was, I still loved him, just not like I used to. I didn’t trust him anymore, and trust is such a large part of love. I was terrified we would never be able to get back what we had, no matter how much effort he put forth to show me he was changing.
I finally decided we would not be able to mend what he had broken on our own. We needed help — professional help. I gave him an ultimatum after a month of crying spells and mild depression: He was to see a therapist on his own to discuss his compulsive lying and cheating or we were done. On top of that, I demanded that we see a couples’ counselor together. He agreed.
If he does cheat again, I am confident that I will be able to walk away from this relationship with my dignity intact, knowing that I gave this relationship everything I could. Despite the criticism I have received from family and friends, I know in my heart I have made the right decision…I am doing what’s best for me, and as far as I am concerned, that is the only thing that matters.
I’ve watched too many of my friends run away from relationships because they were hurt by their significant other. I’ve listened to too many of their significant others, also my friends, yearn for a second chance. They’re all victims of the belief that if a relationship isn’t perfect then it isn’t worth being in. Well, I’m not ready to run away, and I refuse to force myself to fall out of love just yet. Relationships take real effort, and I’m ready to get to work.
Tune in two weeks from now to find out how the couples counseling goes…
It’s a brave thing you’re doing – willingly making yourself vulnerable to someone who has betrayed you so terribly. I’ve been there too and hope the counseling goes well for you.
2nd chances only happen once, if they’re lucky.
Flick, the way I dealt with my issues with paranoia and suspicion was kind of complicated, I guess. At first, my guy suggested that I was allowed to look at anything I wanted – emails, phone, etc. So for awhile we did that. Over a time period of about 8 months (and yes, I know that is a really long time), he built back up the trust, so that most of the time, I have no reason to question him. To this day, we still know each others’ passwords to everything, and still have the understanding that either one of us could look through the others’ phone. However, I rarely feel the need to check, and fight it if I do – because I am making the choice to trust him. Over 2 years since the incident, he has chosen to consistently prove to me that I have nothing to fear. When I have suspicions now – because I won’t lie, it does happen – I really just work through them on my own… I try to sit down and figure out exactly why I’m feeling that way, like was I feeling he was too flirty with another girl, or neglected in the time spent with me, or whatever… If it is something that needs to be addressed with him – like flirting, I explain that what was hurtful to me, or whatever and communicate the problem. If it is something that is in me – such as my own issues with trust stemming from childhood, I talk with someone, like my mom, about my fears… and she can generally get a good idea of if I should be worried, or if I am being crazy. And if that’s the case, I just distract myself. 🙂
It doesn’t work for everyone, but it’s what I do.
And Johnny, no offense, but an open relationship is not for everyone. I think it is incredibly judgemental for people who do the open relationship thing to fully criticize all monogamy. Yes, it is difficult…but that is still the choice of some people. Why is it not okay for some people to view sex as a sacred thing for a relationship? Also, I would like to point out, that for the author, she might not have issues with extra-relationship sex, as long as it is consensual, agreed upon and open. The hurt from cheating does not arise from the actual sex act, but from the fact that you were decieved, lied to, and made a fool of. Well, at least that is where most of the hurt for me came from. And yes, some of it came because I believe sex is sacred and should be kept within the relationship. And I won’t apologize for that, and I have no desire to change it. Monogamy is a good thing, even if it’s difficult.
I think it is too simplistic to judge another’s decision not to continue in a relationship where the other person has cheated by suggesting that the decision to end the relationship stems from a desire to “run away from relationships” because the relationship isn’t perfect or because the person isn’t willing to put in “real effort.” In my opinion, that is the same kind of judgment that the author doesn’t appreciate receiving.
The reality is that for some people, infidelity is a deal breaker – it is a breach of trust, demonstrates a lack of respect for the other person and can completely destroy the intimacy that once existed. There is nothing weak or cowardly about deciding that the fundamental precepts upon which your relationship was based no longer exist and you can no longer continue in the relationship. It doesn’t mean you are not capable of unconditional love or that you are not as emotionally strong as someone who elects to work on the relationship.
I think the most important thing, which is perhaps being lost in concentrating on the result of her decision, is that the decision to stay or go cannot be reflexive based on preconceived notions of what is acceptable or right. The decision is the right one if it is the product of a careful examination of the relationship, your feelings and needs and what you and the other person are prepared to do to heal the damage that has been done. That should be the lesson.
You’re fighting the tide. As long as you’re both in therapy, why not work toward minimizing the emotional importance of a lil’ outside play for both of you?
I think most people cheat, and a world of honest open relationships would be a better place.
The words ‘I refuse to force myself to fall out of love just yet.’ really touched me. I admire not only your strength but determination to make your relationship work. Best of luck.
I admire you for the success you’ve had in dealing with your own compulsive lying. I imagine that it didn’t come easy. And now offering someone else the same chance at redemption that your mom offered you is, I think, evidence of further progress. I hope the next few months go well, and that you stick to your guns. That said, I wouldn’t judge your friends too harshly for breaking up. They’re probably making the mistakes a lot of people do in their early 20s, and hopefully learning from them. They’ll have a chance at redemption too, just maybe with a different person.
You are so strong. I don’t know how I would deal with that type of situation. I truly admire this piece.
this piece is amazing! i rarely ever hear people go through the same thought proccess i do, and even though i have never cheated, i too understand the want for a second chance. I hope things have worked out well. I’d love to hear from you, and from Elizabeth about how you delt with the paranoia and suspicions after taking him back successfully.
Damn, I don’t think I could go through this situation 🙁
Good luck girl! You seem to be really strong.
Good luck to you! It sounds like your guy is doing exactly what he needs to do in order to win you back: admit he was completely in the wrong, no ifs ands or buts; apologize frequently and sincerely; cut off all contact with the other women; and get counseling alone, with you, or both. Don’t accept anything less! Also, please know two things: 1) His cheating was in *no way* your fault. No matter what’s going on in a relationship, the only thing that causes cheating is one person going out and cheating on the other person. 2) Don’t blame or wonder about the other women (you don’t seem to be, but let me say it just the same) because they weren’t thinking about you and most importantly they didn’t owe you a thing–your partner did. Truly, I wish you the best of luck. Your relationship can be repaired, but he needs to take the lead and show you what he’s really made of. –Been There.
I have also taken back a cheater. I requested that we both do counseling – together and seperately as well, and he agreed. It was an incredibly painful healing process. Currently, He and I are still together and he has not cheated. It’s been 2 years. I still sometimes have problems with unwarranted suspicions, but I have also learned to deal with them in way that does not damage my heart or our relationship. I really appreciate reading about someone else who chose to do the same thing.
And Kim, I am pretty sure that the author realizes it was not a momentary lapse of judgment. She said that she wanted him to go to counseling for his issues with compulsive lying and cheating. And with therapy, compulsive lying and cheating can be overcome… assuming the person WANTS to overcome them.
Taking someone back after cheating once is one thing, taking back someone after cheating FOUR times is a different story. This wasn’t a momentary lapse of judgment.
It’s so easy to utter black and white statements (cheating = dealbreaker) until you’ve been there. I’ve lived through an infidelity and agree second chances are crucial. I’d want one if I messed up. What I did NOT do was ask specific questions about the affair because I felt going visual would be too much for me to bear. Sure, I wonder, but at least I don’t know for sure.
I really appreciate this piece.