Dear Em & Lo,
I’m a guy and I hate getting blowjobs. Maybe it’s because I had a few too many bad teeth-to-johnson experiences or I’m just a little too sensitive down there, but when a girl starts kissing me all the way down, I grit my teeth and prepare for the worst. It’s finally to the point where I simply flat-out tell the woman whose head is drifting that way to save the energy for other things. The only problem is, now I’m in a committed relationship and my girlfriend feels like it’s her fault I don’t like it, which is entirely untrue. She says she feels guilty when I go down on her and she can’t get me off in return. I’ve been very clear about it but occasionally she will try to surprise me with a “gift” BJ, and I don’t have the heart to tell her no, even though it usually ends up leaving my johnson useless and uncomfortable without any of the pleasure I’m sure other guys get from it. How can I keep her from going down on me? And please don’t tell me to count my blessings because every guy would love it. I’m a guy and I do not.
— Sam I Am
Dear Sam I Am,
Wow. Consider us speechless. We hate to make generalizations when it comes to sex, but if we were forced at gun-point to make just one generalization about sex, it would probably be that every guy enjoys receiving oral sex. And we’re pretty sure that our Wise Guys would have our back there.
But then here you are, and you do not like them, Sam I Am. Not in the dark! Not in a tree! Not in a car! You let me be!
Sorry, we’ll stop now. We’re sure that a useless, uncomfortable johnson is no laughing matter to you. It’s just that, as Julia Roberts once said, very few people surprise us. [Editor’s note: Em inserted that Pretty Woman reference; Lo takes zero responsibility for it.]
As far as our advice goes, we’re afraid it’s pretty simple: You’ve got to be blunt and tell your girlfriend, Dr. Seuss-like, that you don’t like BJs ever. Anywhere. On any occasion. You’ve got to be even more clear than you’ve already been. Keep repeating, over and over, that (a) you’re extremely sensitive and it actually hurts, and (b) this has always been the case for years and years. Reassure your girlfriend that the lack of oral in your life doesn’t bother you at all, and that you don’t feel like you’re missing out. Oh yeah, and make sure she knows that you actually like going down on her — it’s no duty, and you don’t feel like you need to be “repaid” for all your hard work down there.
That said, perhaps you can think of a different nice thing she can do for you in bed, for those times when she really wants to treat you. We understand how the lack of oral sex reciprocity might bother her — bless her, she’s obviously internalized the golden rule of sex! But explain that there are other things she could do that would make you much happier and more turned on. Like, for example…well, that’s your department. Perhaps it’s a back massage or a light spank on the bum or a nipple tweak or just a certain position you really dig. Basically, you need to let her know what sort of “gift” you’d enjoy.
Your only other option is to take advantage of this opportunity of being in a committed relationship and make double-extra-sure, via experimentation, that you really don’t like any blowjobs. If it really is a matter of too many bad teeth-to-johnson experiences, then perhaps you can coach your girlfriend toward a BJ that works for you. After all, one of the upsides of a committed relationship is that you have plenty of time to practice and communicate your needs. Perhaps you could tell your girlfriend that you’re super-super-sensitive and have never enjoyed oral in the past, but if she’s willing to try a few different techniques, you’d be willing to lie back and be her lab rat. (And yes, we realize that 99.9% of the male population is currently laughing out loud at how preposterous this scenario sounds.) Tell her to steer clear of the extra-sensitive head, and to start with soft kisses and gentle licks around the outside, not even attempting to put your sensitive specimen in her mouth yet. Take small steps together and maybe you’ll start to enjoy them a little more. We say this simply because, from what we hear, BJs are a pretty fantastic experience for most men, and it’d be a shame if a few bad experiences in the past caused you to miss out on them for the rest of your life.
But, then again, no pressure. There’s no rule that says you have to like blowjobs. Plenty of women could care less about receiving cunnilingus, though they seem to have an easier time skipping it — perhaps because their partners aren’t quite as giving as your girlfriend. And, of course, plenty of women don’t like giving blowjobs (and would probably line up to date you should things not work out between you and your current GF). So while we’ll resist telling you to count your blessings because your girlfriend wants to give you a BJ, we will tell you to count your blessings because you have an awesome partner who wants to please you in bed. Now it’s up to you to let her know how she can do it. And will you succeed? Yes indeed, yes indeed! Ninety-eight and three-quarters percent guaranteed.
Seussily yours,
Em & Lo
I don’t like bj’s either. But because of the popular perception it’s hard to convince women you are serious. I actually had to sit my my wife down and promise me to never go down on me again. She never breaks her promises so when I made her do that she realised I was serious.
I find it demeans the woman, it awkward, sloppy and the sensations are mainly sucking and licking. Instead I just LOVE hand jobs.
I thought I was alone, I never really liked oral sex either. I loved giving it to my girlfriend but not receiving it. I’ve had it before, many times but never really enjoyed the feeling of it, I enjoy intercourse much better which I know sounds incredulous to many others. I don’t really know where this notion came from that all men enjoy oral sex, I and a few acquaintances I have seem to be different. I love sex but just not oral sex.
Milo, I said ONE of the reasons SOME people may not allow themselves to enjoy oral were due to religious issues.
YOUR mileage may vary.
Chill, huh?
My parents and my DOG? Gross, my parents are divorced! It would be quite uncomfortable….
😉
@Madamoiselle L: Yeah yeah but to be honest many people even WITHOUT religion dislike oral sex so don’t even touch that subject. I’m an atheist and many of my friends are and I know plenty of people who dislike the act, why should it affect YOU if this person doesn’t like it? How would you feel if someone said that sleeping with your parents and dog would bring the ultimate pleasure? I’m pretty sure there are those who do indulge in that sort of activity but not many relish the thought. You’re making your own generalized conjectures. DON’T CHANGE SOMEONE IF DON’T WANT TO. Sheesh, you’re sounding like some kind of jerk telling people to try it twice before making a decision, although I do agree that it may be pleasureable the next time around it doesn’t mean everyone should follow your unsolicited advice. You obviously need to learn more about sex if oral sex is so limelighted in your relationships. I know plenty of couples who don’t indulge in oral sex but do have a very healthy sex life and a happy relationship. Quit your generalizations because they’re so fucking selfish.
I appreciate Hank’s pov & concern for women. I’m a very oral person, always have been and do not consider bjs degrading per se (there have been previous partners who created a degrading atmosphere with their comments/actions, but that’s another story…).
I would like to comment that oral sex doesn’t have to just be about sucking–there’s a lot to play with there and a lot of ways to play, including licking and kissing.
Nobody should be made to feel bad because of what they like or dislike in bed. I’m sure Em & Lo’s response was completely tongue in cheek, but when a topic is sensitive, as this one obviously is, even well-intended humor can be painful. Their advice is on-point: Communication. Sam I Am’s GF needs to know once and for all that his feelings about bjs will *never* change, whatever the reason behind it. They can have a completely satisfying relationship without it, but she needs to respect his boundaries for that to happen.
I’ve gotta disagree with hank / strange person up there, in my experience, it hasn’t been degrading to the women I’ve been with. They seemed to relish the control they have over me and my orgasms. Perhaps if hank / strange person have been staring at porn too long and seen the woman where the face is all covered in spunk, yeah, that does seem degrading. (Hey, why are 90% of them grinning like crazy people then?)
On the other hand, I’m not a fan of BJ’s anymore. My current partner/wife is terrible at them. She’s too small and it gives her jaw problems and she gets too toothy.
I did have a girl friend once that … Wow. she knew how to do things.
I haven’t seen anyone ridiculing the men who don’t yet like fellatio. Not at all. I think most of our responses are more surprise and and being stunned more than anything else.
People have every right to like what they like and not like what they……..don’t like.
However, I have seen a LOT of misconceptions in some of the posts of the men who don’t like BJs, (and this is not an insult to them, especially Slart, one of my fav posters) I think too many of these men are seeing fellatio as “degrading” and one man somehow compared it to rape! :0 To me this screams of “shoved down the throat” guilt driven religious bullshit. This is something that, in order to be a healthy, sexually aware and enthusiastic adult, one needs to work to overcome.
The truth is most sexually open and healthy women enjoy pleasuring their men in this way and perhaps the men who don’t enjoy it may want to look into their reasoning for not liking it, and perhaps work on any and all deeply ingrained guilt, religious bullshit, misconceptions of what healthy women WANT from sex and understand that perhaps their dislike of oral sex is due to brainwashing in childhood, lingering belief in the Madonna/Whore Complex and a foundation steeped in a misunderstanding of female sexuality.
I also know that oral sex is, for most people, even more intimate than intercourse. Perhaps intimacy issues can be investigated by some who “don’t get it.”
Trust issues come to mind as well, as you REALLY have to trust someone to let them put their toothy mouths on the most sensitive place of your body. I am not dissing anyone, it just makes me sad that SUCH a beautiful, healthy, pleasurable, ecstatic experience is completely missing from some people’s lives. I want everyone to feel the absolute most intense pleasure sex can give them, and without one of the most intimate and trust building sex practices, I wonder if there might be something missing that some of these people just don’t know about yet. Like I said, it makes me sad, not angry, not upset, certainly not judgmental. I think virtually everything needs more than one or two tries, with someone one trusts implicitly, as well as learning the TRUTH about how women feel about this act. And, most sexually healthy women LOVE it.
Life is short, pleasure can be rare, I don’t want people to miss out on some of the most beautiful and best sensations this cruel, cold hard world can offer us.
As for the guys who have very sensitive penises, as I suggested before, a BJ while using a condom, especially one with a numbing agent in it, may be your ticket to Paradise.
I also can’t see comparing it to anal sex. Anal is a whole different ball game. For most cultures, oral sex is a regular part of normal every day sex, while anal seems to often be on the sidelines of “kinky.” Lots of us enjoy it, but it is totally different than oral sex, in character and action, and the two cannot be compared. Especially by those by those who haven’t fully experienced both.
Again, enjoy what you enjoy, but as I see it, an open mind and willingness to try new things, or even try things one may have not “liked” the first time (like many womens experience with sex in general, many may not have “enjoyed it” the first time, but it didn’t stop them from trying it until they DID enjoy it) is Important to intimacy and having a pleasurable experience and full life with one’s lover.
If you do not like it, do not recieve it.
But it’s important to the girl I’m dating 🙁
How can you people ridicule this man and say, “Wow you’re not normal for disliking BJs?” Just like MANY women who dislike giving it I’m pretty sure there are plenty of men who dislike receiving it. It’s a matter of preference. STOP trying to change other people’s opinions and preferences in life. Sheesh. You all act so high and mighty. To the OP, you’re not alone and believe me MANY MANY MANY women dislike giving or even the mere thought of giving oral sex so there are plenty of women to choose from. Why can’t people just respect each others’ opinions? Why do you keep trying to change one another. If you like it then go ahead do it if you don’t then don’t do it, simple as that. Jeez get a life guys.
hank, tell her that, just like you said it. if you don’t she will think she’s not doing it right.and that is the last thing you want her to feel. tell her one night having dinner and talking just let her know how you feel but have a back up plain tell her what you realy like or “but when you do this” game on for me it turns me on like nothing eles. be open and honest you will get more out of sex this way.and both will be more relaxed and sharing your feeling makes her feel connected to you. good luck
i’m a guy i like bj but i feel it’s humiliating for women.. i hate watching porn and i hate the way women are abused and hate prostitution.
whan i think of bj it reminds me of raping, problem is my gf seems to like doing it to me, i’m very embarrased dont know what to do i prefere to give attention instead of getting it.
I’m rather insulted reading the way you kind of ridiculed this man for his dislike of BJ’s, particularly since the responses to it indicate he’s hardly alone. And add me to that list, because this letter could’ve been written by me, front to back. I can’t stand BJ’s. I’ve never requested one, never wanted one, and never had one that I allowed to last more than 30 seconds, and that entire time I was praying for the woman to get bored with it and stop. I’ve had some women get almost psycho-offended over it too, and I just calmly explain to them it’s not them, it’s me. I just don’t care for them in the least. And then I remind them how I have NO problem going down on them and how I really enjoy doing that. And you know what? Some women don’t like receiving oral, and that’s fine with me, one less thing I have to worry about. Which is why I don’t get women who actually seem to get off on giving head. What the hell does it do for them if the guy’s not into it??
While I can certainly understand the trauma of being abused as a child, (it’s horrible, but it can be overcome so one can enjoy sex in all forms. I KNOW this.) I really had no idea so many men didn’t like blow jobs. I am a bit flabbergasted. (I have not met one, that I know of.) Is this all due to some type of trauma, either childhood abuse or being bitten once too many times?
Has the OP tried receiving fellatio while wearing a condom? Maybe one of the condoms with the “man-delay” desensitization cremes in them? This would really cut down the sensitivity of your penis, and you might (probably would) realize that without the pain, blow jobs are wonderful.
Slart, you said: “I completely accept, intellectually, the notion that there are women who are comfortable with and even enjoy fellatio. However, I don’t *believe* it for an instant” END QUOTE
Honey, BELIEVE IT! A lot of us ladies LOVE to give head. (Myself and other women can actually orgasm while performing this, it’s THAT good for many of us.) It’s one of my favorite activities. Not even just in bed, sometimes I’ll surprise My Man while he’s in the garage or the basement or anywhere and just go at it. His favorite is a nice leisurely blow job in our jacuzzi tub. (I think that is his favorite place. He’ll take it anywhere.) I don’t feel it’s “degrading” at all if the person doing it enjoys it, gets off on it, and is reciprocated.
IMO, it’s a form of love and affection and appreciation and it’s FUN! Nothing makes me happier than seeing My Man get so pleasured he can’t even speak. And, this (along with a lot of other stuff) does that to him. I probably can’t change your mind, but many women DO love to do this to men. Don’t worry about being “a pig” if you want a BJ. Lots of kind, caring, egalitarian men do enjoy them, and their women do, too. 🙂
Somebody tell “Jonathan” than any “diseases” one can get from oral sex, one can also get from intercourse.
One more thing, someone mentioned a Dental Dam. These are for performing cunnilingus. They are a flat sheet of latex or other material for placing over the vulva while a woman receives oral sex. They simply cannot be used for fellatio. But, a simple condom can, to cut down on sensation. If one prefers that.
im a guy and i hate receiving blow jobs. cant stand watching them in porn either, i just hate them. reason? i think its disrespectful to the lady, that and i was slightly raped at hammer point by an 8 year old when i was about 7, threatened me with a claw hammer told me to put it in my mouth basically. always hated them for that reason, the fear still reminds me and then the shame with it.
OK – I’ve been married 4 times, divorced three, and none of my wives have ever allowed me to cum in their mouths, tho all of them have gone down on me as foreplay.
I almost broke up one of my marriages for a woman who DID let me cum in her mouth, because for me oral sex is the most exciting, invigorating, endorphin-producing activity I’ve ever engaged in. And while I’ve been with numerous women who didn’t like me to cum in their mouths, I’ve been with very few – like almost none – who wouldn’t go down on me at all.
And I go down on them all the time – I’ve never met a woman, well OK once, who didn’t like receiving oral sex, and I love doing it almost more than intercourse. Almost.
I don’t quite understand the big deal about this, either way. Given a reasonable level of personal hygiene, there’s no reason NOT to perform or receive oral sex. And if you have a problem with receiving it, it almost certainly stems from some kind of trauma or misunderstanding from your pre-sexual days.
Or so I say, anyway. I’m 56 years old, and I still do sex like I did when I was 26. If you’re a lady who wants oral sex and isn’t getting it, drop me a line. I’d love to help you out. I live in north-central Kentucky.