We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.
I’m 18, and for as long as I can remember, masturbating has never pleased me much…or at all. When I was younger and would get horn,y I’d hump stuff (lol), but after a while of doing that, I would get bored…like, there was no build up of pleasure, it didn’t feel good — but it didn’t feel bad either. It just wasn’t satisfying.
Now that I’m older, I still try to hump pillows/grind on stuff. So even though I’ve never had success with masturbating I never gave up on it. When I touch my clitoris, it doesn’t feel like much…I feel like I’m rubbing my arm or something. I make sure I have plenty of time to myself, make sure that I’m horny, wet (either after reading or watching porn), and I make sure that I WANT to do this…and trust me, I do! I set aside about 30 minutes at the minimum, and I don’t expect much…I don’t obsess over orgasming, I just clear my mind and focus on what feels good. I’ll fantasize. Problem is…nothing feels good. There’s no build up…like, I feel the sensation of me rubbing but it’s not pleasurable nor painful. I end up feeling so sad, and frustrated and feeling like my body is broken so I just stop and go do something else.
I’ve tried direct stimulation, indirect, rubbing fast, slow, soft, hard…and don’t get me started on fingering — I feel nothing. I bought a vibrator and it gives me really weak “orgasms”(they’re so weak…I’m a bit ashamed to even call them orgasms, lol). And it happens so fast, even on the lowest setting…even through my underwear, even if I stop, calm down, and go again (on a scale of 1 to 10 pleasure wise, I’ve probably only managed to get a 4…and it’s not satisfying to me at all). It’s just *boom!* instant orgasm. It’s weak, boring, and really disappointing. I feel some contractions and a small release of energy, but it’s not full body and I feel extremely unsatisfied afterwards and still really horny. I feel like I’m losing hope.
I believe that masturbating can be empowering — to be able to take your own pleasure into your own hands and give you confidence in bed…but for me its doing the opposite. I’m really scared that if I ever get to have sex or even just fool around with a guy the same thing will happen and it’ll become a problem in our relationship. It makes me scared to even consider getting intimate with someone because my body is broken…like, I’d be willing to give, but terrified to receive because I know what will happen. I feel like I shouldn’t even bother looking to be in a relationship until I can get this down because I wouldn’t want my partner to feel like he has to give me an awesome orgasm if I can only manage to give myself weak ones…but to just feel some sort of pleasure would be nice.
I just don’t know what to do anymore and I’ve been trying for years.
— Nothing, Nada, Nil
While I don’t currently have this issue, I have in the past and understand how disheartening and downright frustrating this can be. My problem was a medication I was taking that dulled my nerves, essentially making pleasure only a dream. During that time, stopping the medication wasn’t an option. And, like you, I wanted to feel good, but every time I tried, it was like crickets chirping. So, my husband and I just did our best to work around the issue. What was the solution? After trying different lubricants, toys, techniques etc., we found that I could still have orgasms, but ONLY when HE stimulated me and only during specific days of the month when my hormones were at their peak. What does this translate to for you? You’re absolutely NOT broken. Don’t even think that way. Your body is so amazing. You just haven’t found your jam yet! You have LOTS of time ahead of you to try new things, while you allow your body to continue maturing. I only thought I had had good orgasms when I was 18. It wasn’t until I was 22 that I could have them regularly, 27 when I first had a squirting experience and 35 before I even figured out what had happened when i was 27, and how to make it happen again.
Late bloomers like us are awesome because we get to stretch out the novelty of newness much longer. Now, I’m 39. Been married for 16 years. Not only can I have an orgasm, I have multiples originating from different spots regularly! You’re not broken, you might just be still blooming! Don’t give up and definitely don’t write off relationships. The whole beauty of sex is exploring and discovering what works best for your body. So, just because a girlfriend can have one on command, it doesn’t mean that she’s any better or worse off than you. It just means the two of you are different. Maybe she found hers on her own, but you, like me, might need the right trusted partner of any sort- battery operated or with a heartbeat, to fully be able to enjoy yourself. If it bothers you enough, or continues, talk to your doctor. If I hadn’t said something, I would have thought my body was broken too!
I would experiment with more sex toys that deliver different kinds of sensations. Maybe it’s less about the clit for you and more about the G-spot. Maybe it’s about deep penetration instead of external touch. Or vice versa. Maybe you need all things going on at once! Different toys give you different things. It’s gonna cost you money, but it sounds like it’s probably worth it.
While I totally understand the urge to masturbate, it isn’t for everyone and that’s okay. It seems like you’ve tried a lot of options– you might want to consider trying out different vibrators, different kinds of porn, etc. However, if you aren’t feeling fulfilled after masturbating, you really shouldn’t feel like you have to! It’s not for everyone, and that’s okay.