Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Does sleeping with a guy on a first date really ruin my chances for a future relationship with him? What if it’s obvious we really like each other, the chemistry’s great, we have a lot in common, and we’re both horny?”
Gay Single Guy (Daniel): Thinking that putting out on the first date will kill off any romantic possibilities is pandering to an old skool way of thinking about sex and love: that the guy must court, wait a gazillion years while the woman’s heart oh so steadily burns and yearns and he tries to satisfy himself on a nightly basis, Onan-style, until they are finally wedded before sex can even be in the equation. In the 21st century, sex on the first date could very well just mean that you “have a lot in common and were both horny.” Sex doesn’t always complicate, nor is it always a barrier to further emotional intimacy. On the contrary, in fact. Consider all the gay couples around the world who meet each other on a sex date/Internet hook-up/anonymous sex excursion, find that there are other things they like about each other and end up happily part of a pair years later. You can see so many examples of people just having a lot in common and being horny as hell at sites that have some exciting mature porn videos. These horny gay couples seem to just click after a while. This is why we see so many videos of the same gay couples on those mature porn sites. Their communication is bang on. What really ruins future relationships is being dishonest about your needs and desires. So fuck on the first date if you like! Any guy who would dismiss you for it despite having such a great connection otherwise is too much of a fool to keep on seeing anyway.
Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): I don’t think first-date sex together ruins your chances but it does change them. You know the critical little “voice in your ear” that says “Hold off: good girls shouldn’t ruin their ‘reputations,'” even when you’d rather not wait? Men get that too. Only ours says “Go for it now: losers never get another chance.” Neither “voice” is telling the truth but they can have an effect anyway. Sometimes when we have sex right away the social pressure those “voices” represent get in the way of everything else we might feel about each other. So for both men and women I think it’s worth it to wait at least for the rest of your feelings catch up. And since when did horny have a shelf-life anyway? Even waiting a few days (three days, not three dates) gives you both time to talk, a chance to take showers and sleep on it in your own beds, a time to decide what you really want instead of what you think you should do, and… time to get your respective bedrooms tidy and kitchens stocked for intimate guests.
Straight Single Guy (Mark): I don’t think there are too many absolutes in this crazy game of love, so a first-date romp doesn’t necessarily preclude any future relationship potential. What is a universal absolute regarding potential relationships is that communication is key (trite as it sounds, it’s so true). Let’s say you and your date are lucky enough to totally “connect” in all the ways mentioned above, and are also comfortable enough to acknowledge to each other how much you are on the same page, even about getting physical right away (and of course, as Em & Lo have taught us, keeping in mind, and also communicating about, all the relevant important safety issues involved!). Well, in a way, you already have some fantastic “They were inseparable (figuratively in this case, heh) from the moment they met!” romantic potential built right in! So why, then, does the fun have to stop at the bedroom doorway? Now, as we know, it’s not always such an ideal world, with perfect communication right off the bat, so exercising a modicum of restraint (and building up anticipation for the fun after a subsequent date soon to follow) isn’t the worst thing in the world, either. So go with the flow.
Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Guy is one-time stripper and sex columnist Daniel; our Straight Married Guy is Figleaf, the guy behind RealAdultSex.com; and our Straight Single Guy is Mark Luczak, a tech god at Carnegie Mellon University. To ask the guys your own question, click here.
No I don’t believe you can have sex on the first date or night you meet, unless you just want to get laid. I had sex with my girlfriend when she wanted it, this was just months before we got married. At the most I think that love and sex are great, but sex only is for as I say if you want someone for a 1 night stand and not a proper relationship, you have to get to know that person really well.
As a divorced female over 50, I do not see anything wrong with sex on a first date. If the chemistry is there, do it! So pleasurable! Just insure your partner is disease free. How sad to find out after weeks or months of fantasizing what it will be like to find out that sex isn’t all that and sexually you are not compatible. I don’t think it’s shallow, I just think sex and intimacy are too important to ignore as a key element of a relationship.
I agree with most of the men that have commented. When you go out with a guy he already decided what he wants out of that relationship, whether it be a LTR or a one night stand. You just have to learn how to read the signs as to what a man is looking for. I have had sex on a first date three times and each time it turned into a relationship that lasted several months. It wasn’t the sex on the first date that ended these relationships but other reasons were the cause. I recently met a guy for a first date, and we have been talking on the phone for a week or so beforehand. When we finally met it was just an instant connection, we just talked and laughed and had fun together. We were both really attracted to each other and one thing let to another and we ended up having sex most of the night. We had great chemistry even in the bedroom. He wanted me to stay the night, and he held me most of the night. Ever since that night we have been talking everyday, and we are going out tomorrow night again. I have waited to have sex with guys I dated only to find out that we were not sexually compatible at all. I think if you are honest with each other about your intentions, what you want out of the relationship, then by all means, have sex on the first date if it feels right. Just make sure you are safe.
TO EACH HIS OWN…they’re so many sins in the world today who cares about sex the first night…we all have done it before and if you haven’t (unless your a virgin) may be lying trying to make yourself seem perfect or brain washed by who ever made up the rule not to screw the first night or whatever the case may be. Now if your unprotected and just randomly screwing anything that walks is a different story…f*** the BS. now, what if you meet someone and start a LTR and they suck really bad in bed? lol to me its like test driving a car.
I’m so glad to read your statements on this topic. I’m, for example the type of women that love to exchange tenderness, long walks, funny times, long talks and lots of attention… but I’m on the other hand very emotional and passionate so every gay I find interesting, want to have sex as soon as possible… and I just don’t want to do it before I’m sure that I want to start a relationship with the guy. So, often I have to end the relationship because the guy doesn’t want to wait and meet me better. Recently I got the comment that If I don’t want sex I shouldn’t be so passionate… HM, very stupid thing to say because If you care to meet me you have to respect my decision, not trying to make me fell bad about it. It is natural to be attracted and have sex but that’s easy way to go… emotions are little bit demanding and with them sex is the wright thing and full enjoyment.I have never regret for not sleeping or for sleeping with the guy, but it hurts less when you take the time to think and decide. 🙂
Anyways, the point is that one have to know WHAT HE or SHE WONT’S: just sex, relationship, marriage, nothing 🙂 and then act as heshe think IT’S RIGHT. That’s my humble opinion.
Hey, im michael 23 from Bronx. i usually have sex on my first date with girls. it an habit for me, and girls shall not be ashamed of themselves. they can be more smart in choosing the man they wanna have relation with, all men are not as gentleman as me.
I had sex BEFORE the first date, and the relationship lasted seven years.
She (friend of a friend) came over to see if I wanted a roommate in the recently vacated second bedroom of my apartment. She came in to talk about it and we were almost immediately kissing and taking our clothes off. We had sex twice more before the day was out. She moved in, but more into my bedroom than the other, which just held her stuff. It lasted 7 years (until an amazing job offer took her to another city). We had sex three times a day, on average, for the entire time, and would have married if either of us believed in it.
I had sex with a guy on the first date because we couldn’t help ourselves. The anxiety set in after we had sex on the 3rd date. I started getting clingy and expected too much. My friend said it’s the best way to drive a guy away.
There are no rules as to what we should and shouldn’t do. It’s very simple that guys can’t get it. Women bond longer than men. They forget and we remember longer. And we need a lot of reassurance later on, and when we don’t get it, that’s when the anxiety gets the better of us.
I had sex on the first date last Friday night. Then we continued on to spend the weekend together and he called me about twenty minutes after he dropped me off at my house to let me know he was on his way home and that he was safe. Needless to say he has continued to call me since and wants to pick me up this Friday so we can go camping. He’s going to let me meet his parents and his pets, see his house and so forth. I don’t want to say I made a bad decision…because he was the one begging me to call him back after we left. He’s been telling me he loves me (which has me saying “That’s a bit sketchy.”) but I’m really enjoying it all. Reading what most men think about a girl who does the dirty on a first date has me a bit worried…and I’m praying that I did the right thing. No shame though, we were safe and we had a lot of fun…he let me sleep in his arms and didn’t want to let me go. Hopefully this will end up right.
If you plan on holding out sex because you think we (males) will respect you more; well it is NOT true. I respect women for many reasons – holding out sex is not one of them.
If you give it up the first night and he doesn’t return your calls – guess what, he wasn’t going to return your call if you waited. His plan was to hit it and quit it, rather it took one night or 10 nights he was only going to stay around until he got laid.
If you have a good guy and you give it up, he will call you back. Even if you make him wait, he will still call back. My point is that it doesn’t matter what you do, what matters is the guys original agenda.
Sex on the first date is never okay.for those who do so are loose and don’t know self control.I’m not saying that ppl that indulge in the casual activity are bad ppl but lack self control.when u wait I think it gives a good message of self worth and strength.your body is your temple and should be valued not passed around when your horny.for the ppl who don’t get calls back from the person who u had sex with, that’s your lesson….don’t have sex with strangers and expect a call..
I met this cute guy at a party, we made out and he didn’t call me for 3 days, and when he did he said he really wanted to see me, so we made plans to go out. Yesterday we went out, to a bar. From the beginning he was being really affectionate, he set next to me and we stayed more than 5 hours drinking, talking and laughing… We got along pretty well and so by the end of the night we went to his place and things just happened. I’ve never done this before (having sex on the first date) but I really liked him… I told him that, and he said he is not a kid. But now I’m so stressed about it and feeling he won’t call me again. I’m not saying I regret it, I don’t (because in the end, I had my fun)… I hope he felt the same and calls me back, but I’m not so sure. Should I wait and see if he calls, and if he doesn’t, I call him to see if he is going to a party I told him is happening this weekend?
(I’m sorry for my english, is not my first language)
Guys are looking for a one night stand or a relationship. Sleeping with him on the first date doesn’t change that. It’s up to the girl to figure what the guy is after and then decide. If you can’t trust that he wants LTR don’t sleep with him!
I’ve had sex on first dates… With me I never looked at them as ltr after that night I seen it as just fun because I know how some men think… In the end they all called back some wanting relationships others wanting casual dates… Either I haven’t done it in a while… In a relationship now n happy…
Advice: if u do it on the first date ladies grey yourself together know what u did don’t cry just play it calm n don’t call them let them call u n make things happen on your terms…
what if hes your ex boyfriend
and you know him like the back of your hand.
and he asks you out? is it appropriate to have sex on the first date.
and we broke up 4 years ago because of long distance but now hes moved closer.