6/8/10
Your Call: He’s Kinky, She’s Vanilla, Is the Relationship Doomed?

Share your advice for this reader in the comments section below…

Dear Em & Lo,

I recently started dating a wonderful man. He’s smart, and interesting, and handsome and the sex has been delightful.

But not outstanding. But we’ve been working a fairly brisk learning curve and we can’t seem to get enough of each other anyway, and I’m stupidly happy in his arms so everything should be coming up roses, right?

Except for the GIANT black-leather-studded elephant in the room, which is his propensity towards BDSM. He hasn’t really trotted it out to me in a big way, but I know that I am decidedly NOT into whatever he’s into, eg: humiliation, manipulation, extreme bondage, violent spankings, etc. He’s brought it up a few times as something that he engages in as a significant part of his sexuality.

I’m definitely not that girl. I can’t imaging enjoying anything about it. I’m the type to be playful in bed, or silly, or just rut like an animal. But always as an equal to my partner. I don’t want to dominate OR be submissive as a defined and absolute role. Humiliation and manipulation, feeling powerless or at someone’s mercy…well, the thought of it frankly terrifies the hell out of me. And being scared does NOT turn me on. I might be the only woman in the world who doesn’t have  a rape fantasy.

I suppose it bears mention that I have a history of manipulation and abuse in my childhood. So having gone through many years and many thousands of dollars of therapy, I’m loathe to have someone assert control over me all over again.

So…is this doomed? The more I think about how this is an integral part of his sexuality, the more upset I get and want to run away. We’ve been having pretty much vanilla sex, and it’s good. But it’s not great. Not for either of us. For me, I think, it’s because I’m perpetually wondering if he’s going to do something that makes me ill at ease, or put me in a position where I will feel scared or somehow terrorized. And I know that’s what he wants, and that by my unwillingness to engage in BDSM, I’m robbing him of his desires. I mean, hell, it’s the only porn he has.

Should I break up with him? I’m definitely not the girl who will satisfy this for him.

— Vanilla Girl

What should Vanilla Girl do? Share your suggestions in the comments section below.



169 Comments

  1. You could learn more about BDSM. Read some BDSM erotic books. See if there is anything that turns you on and try those things. You can participate in bdsm without necessarily being a submissive. I am a bottom, that means I take the submissive role in sex and play but in other aspects of my life I am in control. BDSM encompasses so many things and the practices are meant to be safe sane and consensual. Do these things with baby steps and who knows you might be surprised to like some practices. When I started I thought I was going to like bondage and hate pain… turns out I am a masochist who hates being tied down lol but I had to try the stuff first.

  2. This relationship is doomed. You are a woman with normal sexual needs. He is a pervert, maybe because it is in his personality or because his sexuality has been poisoned by watching too much porn. Even if you would try to go his way a bit, it will never be enough. It is never enough for these kind of guys. I guess they will only be satisfied if they can beat their sexual partner in hospital, or to death. Probably it won’t be even enough then.
    I think that these days these extreme sexual behaviour is often considered normal because we are supposed to be open-minded. It is not normal and the people who have such extreme needs in order to feel satisfied have become desensitized to the things which are a real turn-on in bed.

    1. EXC– USE ME!!

      That is such a terrible accusation to make about some one and an entire lifestyle you know nothing about

    2. So I am a pervert too even though I don’t watch porn but like to be spanked? My wife is very comfortable with it and I love her for it. We have been happily married for over thirty years and have a very good relationship. Of course we do other things as well but the kink aspect is exciting when it happens. We have never seen a problem with it. She actually encourages me in it when I sometimes say why am I like this?

    3. Normal, I see you’re the type that lives in your own fantasy that if someone is different than you they are not normal and is always suspicious that men are abusing you or discriminating against you because of your gender.

    4. I am insulted that you call yourself normal, preaching hate over acceptance. You are about as normal as a sickness, for you are what is wrong with … I don’t know why I’m typing this, you will most likely never read this, w/e. *Rolls up newspaper and swats your nose* Bad Bitch

    5. Normal…. If you say so.
      I don’t really think you have a grasp of what you speak of. I don’t know any Dominant makes that would best their sun into the hospital.

      Rule #1 is keeping the sub safe and healthy!

  3. Honestly, the relationship is doomed. Get out before you fall in love. Love cannot save this situation. It’s a big deal, and you are not right for each other. As a person in a boring sex relationship, with a ld spouse, life sucks a lot of the time. I made a big mistake. Thought love solved all. I was blatantly ridiculous.

  4. I am in a marriage with a guy I love very much. Before we got married he was willing to do kinky stuff that I am very much into. I get turned on by being submissive. Since we got married he pretty much only wants vanilla sex. It is turning me off and bores me to death. I rather watch tv… Sad. I think you should get out of this relationship before it is too late. Find someone you are compatible with! Sex is a big part of a relationship.

  5. Yes. I’m in a vanilla relationship right now and I’m deep into the D/s part of BDSM and its miserable.

    1. I can relate my wife will I’d vanilla to a point and I’m fully and completely into bondage and s&m she doesn’t take part in bondage and is very limited to what she’s willing to accept when it comes to S&m it’s a hell of a struggle trying to be loyal when she’s less than accepting to what I need

  6. My bf is into bdsm and I’m more on the vanilla side. So recently I’ve decided to let him sleep with other women to get his bdsm urge out, I told him it’s fine as long as it doesn’t affect our time together and our sex life. So far it hasn’t. We are both allowed to sleep with girls (I’m bi and we sometimes have 3somes) but thinking of him doing it behind my back upsets me. I went thru his phone the other night and saw that he started doing it, deep down I thought he was but wasn’t sure and was hoping he didn’t. I try not to bring it up tho because Im the one who let him do this. So idk if we are doomed or not. We are very in love and I wanna spend the rest of my life w him but idk if I can picture us having this type or relationship forever. Am I being manipulated and abused? Every other part of the relationship is great, our sex just doesn’t line up. we are the type of people who can seperate sex from love. Sex is just sex sometimes. Yet I’m still bothered but I feel that if I let him get his urge out every once in a while then he won’t leave us.

    1. Also I have no interest in bdsm so he won’t get it from me even if we tried and i wanna compromise bc I love him

      1. I don’t know how old you are, but you are making a big mistake. Sex is a big part of the relationship. If he wants bdsm and you dont, you aren’t going to want him forging another relationship with a girl. That’s what happens when you sleep with someone else regularly. Love and friendship don’t make a marriage. You need basic sexual compatibility. Please think it over. Love and friendship will deteriorate when the glue of sex is not present. There are other men who will want you for you and not go with other women. Hugs.

  7. break up. my husband casually mentioned his interest in kinky sex but didn’t push it. our vanilla sex marriage was a little boring but we got along pretty well. 23 years later and with 2 kids, he is leaving me because he was seeing a dominatrix on the side (unknown to me) and fell in love with her. he is convinced they have this amazing connection together that we never had or will ever have. wish me luck as i navigate divorce knowing my “love” is madly in love with someone else.

    1. Speaking as a guy heading down this route. Dont think he doesnt love you, he fought his sexual urges for years because he loved you so much. You also played a huge role as well. Tell me you couldnt have tried to adopt his fantasies more. I bet you just waved it off everytime he mentioned it and would just wait until the next time he mentioned it to make small changes. This is currently what is happening to me. My girlfriend of many years is just resistant to any type of growing sexually, i love her, but i know i wont be able to do this forever. It eats away at me everyday. ( im not even that kinky, i just want a little)

      1. I’m a male who is into BDSM while my girlfriend is not. I love her deeply and I have no desire to break-up with her. The key thing here is to give it a try. I know you have been through some terrible things and you are scared that BDSM might bring those feelings to the forefront again, but it might. Futhermore, the one who truly dominates is you becasue it’s you who gives the consent, its you who can say the ‘safeword’ and put a stop to his aggresive actions immediatly. I think you should have a discussion with him about this. Relationships are about compromise, and that means that both of you should meet each other in the middle if you want it to work out. If he loves you then he will not break up with you, but he will get annoyed if you are unwilling to try and do not tell him why.

    2. NO, this lady or grandma is CRAZY. IDK WTF this lady was thinking. If you don’t listen to anyone on this shitty website, please, listen to me. Most of, the replys are bs on your post, or what I’ve read. If someone has an interest in something, and b/c of your response; they completely drop it. They will go back to their interests, sooner or later. NO MATTER WHAT. Even if you both love each other. The partners needs are unmet, undesired, thrown aside. If a partner mentions something. Understand it, completely, and fcking DISCUSS it. In depth. Over a week or so, not all at once. BDSM is ALOT, it is ever-changing, it supports ALOT of kinks, not just ONE MAIN fetish. TONS of a persons fetishes can be involved in their view or kinks of BDSM. It is VERY important to understand: your partner, their ideas/kinks in bed, and who they are outside of the bedroom or behind closed doors. Outside of the bedroom can be COMPLETELY different from inside the bedroom. TALKING with them is it. Plain and simple. Hope this helps. Let me know. If anyone has hate mail, you can go fuck yourself and learn that this is a culture, that needs to be understood. It is not nasty, wrong, or against any religion or belief. This may or may not make up a person. For example, not my desires at all, If someone chooses to be gay and likes men or women, don’t you think, they are ‘allowed’ to HAVE and ENJOY what they like? If it goes against anything, you have no idea on life. You have to be happy with your partner, no matter what, they are YOUR partner in crime, they have your back, no matter what. 🙂

      1. Pete, I couldn’t and haven’t said it better, myself. This advice is excellent. I wish someone told me this many years ago. I had a bf who laughed at my kinks. I was dumb enough to marry him. Scared to leave, but unhappy. Thought love and friendship were good enough. Suppressed myself because I thought I was weird. I was just insecure.

  8. I agree. You must get out. I don’t think kink should dominate the bedroom as the marriage is for both not one. Find an ordinary guy who you feel safe with.

  9. Get out. Run, do not walk, to the door and get out. I’m completely regretting even allowing a taste of it into our relationship because now he wants it all the time. Daily. With at least one plastic appliance involved. Just today I took the afternoon off work to relax. No demands. Just chill time. Because I knew he had somewhere to be and was guaranteed at least an hour or two, I could enjoy some precious “me” time. No, his instructions were to watch at least one porno with a butt plug up my ass and to orgasm hard. I visibly let my shoulders slump, which may not have been the best action in hindsight, which upset him. Now I’m accused of “not seeing the bigger picture here”. Of what? That if I’d wanted another task to do, I’d have just stayed at the office? This relationship is doomed as of our son’s 18th birthday, and I will likely never enter into another relationship in my life, because I’ve just been drained dry with this one. My husband’s biggest fantasy is “feeding” me to another couple. Mine is having hot sex without one single sex toy involved.

    Like I said, get out. And do it quick. Sure wish I did umpteen years ago….

    1. Why not tell him that his fantasy isn’t yours? You have the right to say no. Its a personal choice.

    2. You sound like 98% of US women: i.e. Completely clueless – “I ABSOLUTELY refuse to perform, but I had better NEVER catch you with another woman…” An outrageous scam that is more common than not. Worthless oxygen thief– why wait until the kid is 18 to get out….sounds like you’d be doing him a favor to hit the door ASAP.

    3. I’m sorry you ended up with someone who you were not sexually compatible with; that’s a really frustrating situation for everyone involved.

      As someone who is kinky, I can say that it is not a choice. I spent years ashamed of my desires, wishing I could be “normal” before I accepted that this is just who and how I am.

      I’m not alone; a lot of people into BDSM are uncomfortable with that side of themselves at some point in their life. Some of them to the point that they try to repress it, and hide it from their partners.

      I told my last partner on our fourth date about my “dark side.” I told her who I was, what I was into, and how I saw it as a part of me. She was hesitant about some of it, but also seemed eager to try and please me.

      A couple of months later I found out she had seriously pushed her boundaries without communicating that to me, and that she was never really comfortable with my kinks but made it seem like she was to make a good impression. She let all of the anger build up without talking to me about it, until she couldn’t handle it anymore and downright accused me of grooming her for abuse.

      Those accusations devastated me; I tried so hard to be clear and upfront with her about who I was so if she wasn’t onboard with it we could go our separate ways before anyone got attached — but that relied on her being honest with me about her feelings from the beginning, which she wasn’t.

      It sounds like you cared about your husband, and you pushed your boundaries to try to make him happy. I’m sorry; I imagine that’s particularly tough when you are married to someone and have known them for so long. While it may be a cruel awakening to find out now that you two aren’t as compatible as you initially thought, I hope you know that there is someone else out there for you.

      The important thing for all of us to remember, kinky and non-kinky alike, is that honest communication is everything in a relationship. If you aren’t comfortable with something — let your partner know. If you have needs you want a partner to meet — let your partner know.

      Talk, listen, and try to determine along the way if you are capable of fitting into each other’s lives or not. That’s all you can do in a relationship.

      1. You should have told her about your deviant sexuality on date one. By only doing this on the fourth date, you did it when she already bonded with you so yes you groomed her. And she probably really liked you so thought it could work out. You should understand and you probably do understand that a person who has normal sexual urges can’t even begin to imagine what weird and perverse scenarios you have in your head.
        Perverse people like you should use specialised websites to meet someone and leave normal people alone. I was also dragged in some kind of relationship with such a sicko, thanks god I quickly understood what I was getting into and got the hell out of that situation.

          1. Anything different than what she likes is wrong. It’s called feminism. Normal is a dominatrix in denial.

      1. The two men discussed above are sex addicts and asses, it has little to do with BDSM.

    4. Woah reading this- my husband is the same. He says the most frightening sexual things to me and when I tell him, “That scares me,” he gets mad at me! Reading other people’s comments too I realize other BDSM people would say: Ok you’re not into that, I respect your boundaries. I think you and me got men who just want to dominate rather than connect- or as someone mentioned below- our husbands might be ashamed of their BDSM and taking that anger out on us.
      Currently my husband and I are in therapy because I confessed an emotional affair. The way he talks about me “My wife is just boring vanilla” I am losing hope the marriage is going to work. Reading your entry I’m thinking maybe I should just leave and not look back. I’m still on the fence.
      Thank you for sharing your story. I feel relieved to know I am not the only one who’s husband needs plastic involved in every situation and who dreams of a day with hot, toyless sex!

      1. So sorry to hear that SS. Good luck with therapy (though it sounds like your husband might be beyond it). However it works out, we hope you find happiness and your husband becomes a more responsible dominant.

  10. for fucks sake- the idea is NOT to TORTURE or abuse soomeone against their will… from a male perspective, we really want to find a soman who FEELS secure and trusting of a lover trough all sorts of errotic/ sesual/ violant/ and emotional fantasies. .. we want a parter who knows we wont hurt them more than they are able, and wants to share in a journey to explore the hidden worlds of interpersonal intamacy….

    but FOR FUCK SAKES;- you have to allow yourself to trust your partner and surrender as much as HE is trusting you and surrendering his secrets… or else intamcy is fucked and dead,m adn never left grouns. dont be a pre-pubecent doll terrified of living. pinoccio anyone?

    1. Nicely said. Unfortunately though, for most of these women, it’s not about the kinky part anyway– it’s really about control, and the ability to make someone else miserable– while squandering their earnings.

  11. Gross. Dump the bastard. Accommodating a sexuality that isn’t part of you is being seduced to a degrading act that you can’t take back. If you never fantasized about it, don’t accommodate it because of love. If he can’t switch off his desires for bdsm in order to deserve you and make the commitment to be turned on only by normal things, then he doesn’t love you. And he’s a man, so you know he won’t, so dump him. His logic may be that you should change yourself to accommodate him instead, then we’re back to square 1.

    1. “Gross. Dump the bastard.”

      Gross he has a sexual interest and explained it without pushing it. Gross you are a horrible person Alison Carter

    2. Don’t judge people because they finally come out about something that they like? That’s like blaming a dog for sniffing dog ass. It’s weird to some but they understand and like it. It’s not easy telling someone in a vanilla relationship. No, they aren’t meant to be with each other because it’s 2 conflicting desires that they can’t control.

    3. Right on! I suffered for 9 years being forced to do things I felt were so degrading and terrified me. I am finally leaving. Run don’t walk! Never let someone do something sexually with you that you do not enjoy, let alone you are terrified by! My husband is good to me otherwise, but sorry that is a fatal flaw. Run!

    4. You are a perfect example– of the PROBLEM. “If he can’t switch off his desires for bdsm in order to deserve you and make the commitment to be turned on only by normal things, then he doesn’t love you.” <–COMPLETELY DELUDED, AREN'T YOU?

    5. You are joking right? You tell this person to refuse to accept what he likes however, if he is to refuse what he likes then he doesnt love her? Are you so deluded? What live is to someone and how deep it goes is their choice and no one can tell them otherwise. Maybe he has been in relationships before and has never been in love enough to disclose what he likes. Maybe she has been in relationships before and never been in love enough to be truly her own person. Run for the door…dump his ass…she is a gold digger. So far every commentor on this subject highlights whats wrong with our society except the person who identifies sex withput love. Love and sex are two different things and should always be treated as such. Ypu dont associate love with food do you? But the human race needs food to survive. Why is sex any different?

    6. What i love is that your name is the same as the protagonist dominatrix in this really popular bdsm comic series i read 🙂

  12. Do him and yourself a favor and break it off now. I’m that guy and I made a mistake and now I’m committed and unhappy

    1. I second that emotion. I’m a woman who likes rougher sex and married a vanilla guy. I am also unhappy. Big mistake. Sex is very important in a marriage.

      1. I’m married to a woman with the same name as you and an unhappy too, because I am vanilla and she is Dom. I like the “square” stuff in sex and she gets turned on by flogging her live in partner. Why I agreed to that whole mess shows how far I will go to put her needs above my own happiness.
        Stand your ground!

    2. Well said, John…She needs to pull the handles NOW– not wait until it is advantageous for her to pull the handles. The fact is, she entered the relationship FRAUDULENTLY.

  13. One word: dialog.
    You say he’s mentioned it a few times, but it doesn’t sound like the two of you have really sat down and talked. Seriously. Clothes on, at the kitchen table, cards all laid out. Kink and vanilla are terms with fluid meaning. I think I’m fairly vanilla; my friends think I’m the kinkiest fucker on two legs (on my back is too easy). Tell him what your fears are. And your desires. And listen, really listen, to his. There may be some common ground that will make both of you happy (maybe not handcuffs, a silk tie loosely wrapped – the illusion can be a powerful aphrodisiac) . If not, give him a get-out-of-jail-free card to explore that side of his sexuality without you. Or better yet, visit a dungeon with him and watch (set ground rules on what you *think* might squick you out). You never know…

  14. I’ll say what I think the biggest challenge is and you can tell me if I have it right.
    Whether you’ve just met or been with each other for years, let’s assume that you are ‘in love’, but have fundamentally different ‘triggers’ when it comes to sexual response.
    The real problem is that when you’re in this kind of warm, loving relationship – both of you will be interested in making the other happy. His ‘trigger’ comes from ‘darker’ impulses/acts – which she might agree to… But at the end of the day, unless those ‘darker’ impulses/acts turn her on and help her achieve a stronger orgasm etc… Then it’s just abuse.
    She will know it.
    He will know it.
    I think this situation is doomed.

  15. This should settle the matter. Answer the questions, and you will know your true decision. Are you reckless? As in, would you want to risk having your anus ripped or intestinal damage? Do you like knowing that you are an object? Being slapped around while women get raped because of watching pornography like this. This being said. I am sadly not against bdsm. I wish I were. It is so degrading. People can say what they want defending bdsm, but I personally wish that it was not something that I enjoyed. Gagging women with hand, appendages, or any other item can cause damage. Just look it up. It’s addicting, like cigarettes or any other drug, it is harmful, and has led to death on some cases.

    1. Whoa. You’re doing it wrong. Violent play should be SIMULATED. Torn anuses and intestinal damage are way over the line.

      Your cognitive dissonance on the subject of S&M is its whole own subject, but first things first: you should not be walking away from sex with a perforated colon.

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