We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. This time, a woman finds herself married to a selfish lover. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below.
Help! I’m Married to a Selfish Lover!
I am 25 and been with my husband for 8 years and married for 1 1/2 (we also have a toddler). First let me say that I enjoy/love pleasing him. I get off by seeing him pleased which I think is how it should be. I’m not a selfish person in bed for sure. But he is a selfish lover.
He wants sex right away, no foreplay whatsoever, and when he’s done apparently we’re both done. I have told him many times you need to be patient and get me ready for you at least! And he does for the next couple times, but then it just stops. He rarely goes down on me and it’s so frustrating! I want to be touched everywhere and be caressed from head to toe, which I know is normal! But he doesn’t touch me. I don’t understand how he doesn’t want to fully satisfy me.
After having sex yesterday he climaxed and rolled over while I just lied there craving more. I called him selfish for not making me orgasm and he said, “Well gosh, you just feel so good!” (So pretty much I made him climax fast, so I get punished by not climaxing myself.) Then he turned the other way and the snoring started.
What Should I Do?
So what do I do? I finish myself off alone while he’s in bed, which makes me feel like a teenager. I know he is turned on by me, I definitely know that. He has a high sex drive but in a very selfish way. I don’t know if he’s scared to touch me or not sure what to do…? I tell him if he’s not sure what to do I’ll guide him, but it always goes straight to sex and that’s it. We have sex around 2 to 3 times a week. The actual sex is great but I feel so unsatisfied.
I have actually started to think I need to get satisfied elsewhere and that scares me since I am a married woman. Part of me wants to threaten him when I’m mad about this issue, but I guess that is the wrong approach. I just wish he WANTED to do all of this naturally. It boggles the mind: after 8 years I can count on one hand the times I have received oral sex and the times he has really said “This is about you tonight,” and made me orgasm several times.
Is This My Fault?
I kind of feel bad for myself, but then I wonder, “Did I do this to myself? Is it my fault for letting this go on so long?” I feel I look good, I’m young and have a decent body and fix myself up daily, which he seems to love. But slowly, by him not going down on me and not being totally all over me, it’s making me get a bit insecure when I know I shouldn’t be.
It’s hard when I see guys looking at me and hitting on me and I have this husband at home who is afraid to make me climax! I mean, is it really that hard?
— Frustrated & Forlorn
What should F&F do about her selfish lover? Let her know in the comments below.
MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:
What’s a Nice Way to Give Directions in Bed?
Your Call: My Boyfriend Is Obsessed with the Money Shot
Dear Em & Lo: Toys Terrify My Boyfriend
I am in exactly same situation, been married over 6 years, there is no child though. I was madly in love with him. he never gave me orgasm though. i feel I fell out of love. Should I tell him how I feel? I told him many time before but he buried his hand in sand.
Thanks to all you idiots, this poor woman has the bright idea that she should fathom the possiblity of cheating/leaving her husband. Hey morons….it’s for better or worse, not convenient. There are professionals that will help with these kind of situations. If he felt that she was lacking in other areas (i.e mental, spiritual, financial), he would be wrong for seeking outside options instead of looking to rectify options with her. Everybody has a reason, & even if that reason doesn’t make sense to you right then, get over yourself & stop looking for the easy solution all the damn time! Marriage takes more work than the advice of pheasants like the ‘shrooms that are on here telling this woman to stand her ground & not look into real life alternatives like counseling or even the MAIN REASON in why the wedding should’ve been priority one & that’s GOD!! I genuinely can’t stand miserable people & you all should be ashamed of yourselves for these ridiculous comments!! Let me guess…you wouldn’t give your life for your spouse’s either…douche-bags!!!! Grow up!!!!!!!
Thank you. I am in the same boat. But I’m happy with your suggestion s. So thank you. I am the kind of person that when I’m acting like an ass I need to be called an ass. Thanks.
Men who don’t bother should not be bothered with. That’s it. Whatever you say. Nothing will change a selfish man. NOTHING. It’s simple.
There is a good chance he found this page because his wife told him he wasn’t pleasuring her. He’s most likely this angry because all these comments feel like personal attacks on his own selfishness.
i was marriied for 30 yrs. very sexual active, i would do anythink to give her pleasue, but i was lucky to get sex 1ce a yesr or maybe 2 or 3 times a year, only if i fought it she gave me a bone i lived in a sexless marriege, when i told her i want a divorce, she told me you get it i”ll sighn the papers, if wanted to please her with oral sex, she told i was dirty, i wish i met a woman like you, i would be there please you, till you have all the orgasm you want, by the way ihad 2 children.
Be the one who is in control. Play your game. Tease him all day and all night by flashing him … show him your cleavage, your legs, touch him in sexy way every now and then … drive him crazy … make him want you so bad … but tell him you have your plan and he is gonna wait … turn him on but keep control over him and make him please you by hand , by tongue , be playful … whatever .. bring him to the edge of his orgasm then back off , do it many times until you decide that is enough … just once he has somewhat satisfied you, LET (!) him finally climax .. you know what I mean …
i believe this is one of the best answers, it’s sad to see how many women don’t get to get their orgasms as it’s just much easier for men isn’t it but i can’t understand why men wouldn’t care for their partners satisfaction! i was in a marriage where i quit having sex because my partner wouldn’t satisfy me and he ended up thinking i was frigid while my sex drive has always been high and i did tell him it needed more intimacy and lovemaking to get me to bed but he just didn’t understand, such a shame as i still want to be with him if the conditions were different and he’s already ended up having sex elsewhere and we’ve separated… it’s ok to talk about but during sex or the start of it, i just feel too inhibited to say anything which leaves me sad and frustrated because i feel i have things to say and would love to but just can’t get it out, this might be lack of trust but it’s an inhibition i’ve always had in this field and would really really like to get rid off, i want to say what i want when i want it, having said this, i think all women should and so should men, we should all listen and COMMUNICATE
It’s so funny how husbands think their wives are frigid. I have a huge sex drive, but sex with no foreplay or orgasm is frustrating . This is why most wives stop giving blow jobs or just lay there waiting for the guy to finish. Most husbands wont even notice their wife is silently crying or tearing through unrequited sex & say to others that my wife just lays there. You want a women to get excited with no effort on your part? Hire a prostitute.
Going thru the exact same thing. I feel like I have ti beef for him to touch me and idle what to do so if anyone had any tips and how I can punish him for treating me like I don’t turn him on or i don’t need more assurance that he is attracted to me. Please help.
Well seeing as I’m a guy myself,idk how much help I’d b.However I was in a relationship for nearly 5 years n She would rarely ever engage on her own terms.Now I know I wasn’t doin anything wrong,as I m 8in by 2,(not Lyin or bragging),n would like to think I’m pretty adept.I’m starts to think I’ll never run into any1 with a sex drive like mine.Anyways,get itself out of it like ASHLI said,I know wat it’s like to b sexually miserable for years
If you think the size of your dick is the only thing a woman needs to have an orgasm, you would be wrong. And if you think using your dick to perform a variety of different sex positions for a long period of time gets a woman to climax, you would also be wrong. At least 75% of the female population cannot and does not have orgasms from penetrative sex alone because our sex organ is not invited to that festivity. Our sex organ is flapping in the wind during intercourse. I am guessing you are well aware of that, Corey. But you continue to want women to believe your dick is all women need. Don’t believe what I and statistics say though. Try this, Corey. Make yourself hard as a rock, then stop touching your dick and put your fingers up your ass instead and then try to THINK your way to an orgasm with no stimulation to your sex organ. You think you can have an orgasm with no stimulation to your dick? No, you can’t. It’s physiology. Your sex organ needs stimulation right up to and including the point of orgasm. Works the same way for women. But you men think we should have immaculate orgasms, thinking our way to one with no stimulation to our sex organ while you thrust away inside our vagina (which, BTW, is NOT our sex organ) with your 8in by 2 in dick.
You bring up some good points Mandy. Many men thinking that all they need to do for foreplay is rub or lick a woman’s clit for a minute or two and then she’s ready for a good fucking. At that point the focus is all on penis in vagina sex. As you point out….women seldom get enough stimulation from that to orgasm. It might feel good….but it’s still not an orgasm. Maybe we should blame porn? It’s got most of us focusing on the wrong things and at the same time making most of us feel inadequate.
A “down vote”??? Let me guess who did that! LOL
I gave you an “up” vote, Dave. I think the first and biggest problem is that sexual pleasure is not taught in sex education. Until and unless female sexual pleasure is brought into the educational system, that leaves each female having to educate each man on the need for her pleasure, as well as his. And where the heck are women supposed to be getting that education? If it isn’t taught in sex education, that leaves men watching what goes on in porn and thinking that has given them an education. Add to that the fact that up to 80% of women are faking their pleasure and orgasms (60% of women fake all of the time and another 20% of women fake some of the time). Men are really getting some misguided information from porn and women. But that goes back to putting the onus on each woman to stand up for her pleasure with each man. Education is the answer. But education will never come because our society is too afraid of including sexual pleasure as part of the educational curriculum.
Mandy, Again you bring up some great points. I think men, and society in general, fear women’s sexuality. Let’s face it….being capable of multiple orgasms can make a man feel a bit intimidate. And so many men prefer ignorance over knowledge. Many societies have attempted to contain female sexuality by restricting how they dress, who they can talk with, and going so far as to mutilate female sexual organs.
Women just don’t realize how powerful they are sexually. A real man seeks to always make sure the woman is pleasured. The female orgasm is much more complex then that of the male’s. It takes time and effort to learn how to bring a woman to orgasm. Women should not settle for any less.
Take care of your orgasm yourself. Buy a silver bullet egg and a regular insertable toy and get your orgasm by yourself. It feels way better than any man. Hint use a soft seated office chair lol
This is why some women marry for money.
If you have talked about it and he still doesn’t care, leave him. He’s not interested, what more proof do you need..not to sound to harsh, but I have learned over the years- that actions speak louder than words. I went through something similar. Being denied when I made any sort of advancements. Sex was on his terms. When I didn’t cum, I would have to finish myself off with a vibrator. He would even act annoyed with the sound because it disturbed his sleep. He was uninterested in me and ended up cheating. You can only be treated the way you accept to be treated. If you aren’t happy then do something about it. File for divorce, he will claim to want to change, but most likely wont. Judging by the post, you already have the answer you need hun. Don’t waste any more time.
4 years of marriage, 6 years of being with him and I have only ONCE experienced an orgasm. That too, it came and went in a flash because he stopped doing what he did to get me there. I feel sad for all of us women who feel sad and undesireable because our husbands dont care to take care of our needs. My husband even gets into the shower as soon as we are done,because he feels its too messy to just lie beside me and cuddle. This makes me feel even more undesireable..dirty, even. Group hug, ladies 🙁
Hi. I read all this comments and I cannot stand away from it. I am very sorry, sad and upset to hear how may girls suffering from that bad treatment from thers guys. I was one of them also, but I can’t stand it any more, because I was getting seriously ill from stress and dissapoitment, that I get in to serious depression.. anyway I am more than fine now, happy, healthy, feeling beautifull and needed again, and how it happend? it is simple answer. because I left my husband, selfish egoistic guy, who even was laughing in my face when I was so in pain trying to talk to him about my sexual needs. he was arogant, telling me that our poor sex life its all my fault, I am so pushy, I always want to much, I stress him and he can’ t have sex with me.. I thought I will get mad.. He stop even kissing me.. it all begun after we have child.. before childbirth we been together for two years and our sexual life was ok, but nothing crazy. I noticed that he don’t really like going down on me, making love was always wery quick, and often I was lefted without orgasm. the worst happend after our dauther was born.. he completely cut me off from sex.. he stop even kissing me, and during 5 years we make love twice.. and every time it was something like 5 minutes. I had enought, I take child and leave him. I will never come back, never again even try to leave with someone who completely don’t care…
You’re leaving something out too. If your husband wasn’t satisfying you, and now that you’ve left him and taken his kids you’re satisfied, (1) you’re a slut, and (2) you’re leaving out details about how you became one instead of a loving wife — which you could never be.
Ugh, can we please do without the name calling? It totally undermines any point you’re trying to make and tempts us to just delete your comment. If you have a compelling argument, slut shaming is not necessary.
Why would you tolerate this comment? Please delete it.
Believe us, we came close. But sometimes it’s helpful to know that there are still a lot of sexists in the world. It keeps the rest of us motivated to fight the good fight!
Yeah, and j prince, take a seat. You disgust me
Wow. All this makes me feel terrible for my wife. We met in college and we were both virgins, I was and she claimed so. I was really bad at sex and she never gave me direction. Wham bam thank you mam. The worse thing I know now is she is multi orgasmic and we are having the time of our lives. Back then she claimed she orgasmed every time and that she never masterbated, lies she still won’t admit. But she made me feel like Gods gift so I had no reason to change for the next 20 years!!!! 20 years of hell for her with a four and a half inch premature ejaculating dick head, me. If it hadn’t been for the internet I wouldn’t know where her clit is today. I feel so bad and guilty and apologize all the time for which she says it’s ok and she always had fun. Now the tables have turned and despite lasting for thirty minutes or more she prefers the big vibraters I brought to the bedroom. I’ll go down on her while thrusting the vibrater until the batteries give out and then change them and keep going. I get a ten second BJ and after two or three hours she want me to finish so she doesn’t feel bad. Ouch. Sweet revenge. But I luv her so and I luv every minute and can’t wait till the next time I can hold her. By the way we are in our early fifties
This may not be what you want to hear, but I don’t see the problem. Until the 1960s or maybe 70s, the female orgasm was barely known about, and women enjoyed making love to their husbands without the need for clitoral stimulation. In recent years the media has encouraged us to expect a kind of pleasure that does not happen normally from intercourse, without the man masturbating his wife, which the Bible tells us is immoral.
Even if you disagree with what I’ve written, you have a child to consider.
Used to be women couldn’t vote either. Knowing that’s how it was then doesn’t mean we shouldn’t vote now that we are ‘allowed’ to. A good man loves his wife’s spirit and wouldn’t want to hurt her. Eating a the steak she made him and going to bed without wondering how she survives without ever eating makes him, at least, selfish.
Kyle, you’re funny!
I have a similar situation, but maybe not as bad, although my husband’s selfish behaviour is throughout our marriage, not just in the bedroom. Sometimes he is a great lover! He will perform oral sex maybe 2x a month (we have sex minimum 4x a week), but most of the times, it straight to penetration and once he cums, he’s done. I try to get him to “help” as I finish myself off, like kiss my body or my breasts, but he does it in a disinterested way or giggles or just plain doesn’t do anything. I have often finished myself off in the bathroom, but then I feel like a loser, unwanted and unloved.
When I come first, I keep having sex with him! I let him finish; why can’t he have the same courtesy for me? Last night I actually took his hand and made him caress my body, then I made him kiss me, even though he was not reciprocating at first… it was going great, but then the inevitable, he came and then when I asked him to keep using his hands he said “I can’t, my hand is sore,” which is just one of the many excuses he says right after he comes. Other excuses are, I’m tired, I’m sorry (and just lays there), he laughs and make me feel awkward, or he will do something like kiss my nipples but in a way like he’s kissing his sister. I would take ANY form of genuine affection while I finish. I was sooo close too, which made it even worse. He asked me after if I was mad and I just said goodnight and went to bed.
I definitely feel undesirable. I feel like he doesn’t care about me, or love me. I’m considering just pleasing myself all the time when he’s not around so I don’t have to care about sex with him.
We’ve been together for 8 yrs, have two children and have been through some tough times. I’m afraid that if I stop before he cums to prove a point, that he will go elsewhere for sex. Maybe that would set me free as I would have an excuse to leave him. I know this is a very harsh thought but I’m trying to think of all angles.
Can anyone comment at what happened when they stopped before the man could come and how their man handled it. Did it do any good or cause more damage? I’ve tried talking with my husband but he doesn’t like any form of confrontation, which makes life difficult.
GOOD LUCK WRITER! I hope you figure out how to get what you want without losing what is important to you.
lol,Whats your phone Number?