6/25/11
Your Call: She Doesn’t Like Going Down

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below:

Dear Em & Lo,

I hate going down on guys. Always have. I gag, I choke, I think it tastes gross. My boyfriend likes receiving oral, of course, and I want to make him happy, but I don’t think I should have to force myself to do something I thoroughly don’t enjoy just for his pleasure, especially when there are plenty of other things we can do — and do do — to get him (and myself) off. Am I being unreasonable? I wouldn’t ask him to do something he really didn’t want to do. And I can’t help but think, If someone’s got to make a sacrifice in this relationship, why can’t it be him sacrificing his desire for BJs, since that won’t result in him throwing up? (Btw, I enjoy receiving cunnilingus, but it’s not a deal breaker — I can take it or leave it. My boyfriend says he enjoys giving it to me, so that only adds tit-for-tat pressure!)

— That Blows

What should TB do?



60 Comments

  1. I found this thread seriously f*cked up. The amount of guilt tripping and the suggestion to the OP that there’s something wrong with her, she needs to get over it, that she’s being “unfair” – what the actual FUCK?

    Do you people realise that coercing someone into a sex act they are not willing to do is a form of rape? That people are different and some people just don’t like certain things, and it’s not your right to tell them they are abnormal because they’re different to you? Threatening to find sex elsewhere or leave someone if they don’t give you oral sex is emotional manipulation of the most insidious, despicable kind. My man doesn’t like giving oral sex much and even if I loved it (I don’t) I would NEVER coerce him into it because it’s sick to make someone you’re supposed to love do something sexually that they are not willing to do.

    I don’t like giving blow jobs and there is NOTHING wrong with me. There are a lot of unpleasant things about having a dick in your mouth. Even freshly washed, it doesn’t taste or smell great. Seeing as my tongue happens to be covered in taste buds and my nose full of olfactory receptors, there is little I can do to block this out. Putting food of any kind on genitalia makes it even more gross. Getting your gag reflex stimulated is massively unpleasant too – it can be painful if it’s violent, my eyes water, and I don’t feel very sexy with tears streaming down my face. After about 2 minutes my jaw aches unbearably. I find the idea of bodily fluids hitting the back of my throat disgusting, and every time I’ve ever swallowed I’ve felt sick and mildly traumatised for a couple of hours afterwards, and if you think there’s something wrong with me for that how about you take a swig of your girlfriend’s period blood and see how it makes you feel. Most people can’t even handle the idea of drinking human breast milk and that’s actually supposed to be food, so why am I supposed to enjoy the salty bitter slime that comes out of a man’s penis?

    Couples can have great sex that both partners enjoy without throwing their toys out of the pram when they don’t get everything they want. I like anal but I also recognise that it’s not for everyone, and I’d never accuse another girl of being weird or uptight or somehow at fault for not enjoying it. Similarly my man has no interest in being penetrated anally by me, and though I’d quite like to do it it would be messed up to coerce him into something he’s clearly not comfortable with, and even more messed up to suggest that him not being comfortable with something I want is some sort of personal failing.

    There should be more to a relationship than getting pleasured. If you care more about getting your dick sucked than you do about the girl who’s doing it, then you probably don’t deserve a relationship anyway. Fuck… this thread has seriously depressed me.

  2. Some of these replies astounded me and made me so sad. ๐Ÿ™ Especially the ones from men who said fellatio was a deal breaker in a relationship. The first rule of sex is to NEVER do anything you are not comfortable with. Whether it be oral, anal, S&M. Both male and females, straight, bisexual,or gay, should never feel under pressure to perform any sexual acts that they do not want to do or are not willing and get pleasure from doing. Sex is all about intimacy and fun with your partner and (shock!) even LOVE. Men and women have self control. If one cheats and has the feeble excuse that their partner was not performing oral sex on them then they are fooling themselves. There is no excuse foe cheating, merely explanations. If you do not like performing oral on your partner, do not do it. If he is any sort of man, he will accept this and you can both find other ways to enjoy yourselves. Also, if he refused to go do on you because you do not do it for him, then question whether you want to be with someone so controlling and immature. Like one of the posters said, you wouldn’t eat brussel sprouts if you didn’t like it. Why should a oral sex be any different? Both things go in your mouth. Hope this helps. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  3. loool@the guys for who it is a dealbreaker or who would leave their partner for not getting a blowjob. GROW THE FUCK UP

  4. If a woman isn’t ‘tight’ and tidy and can do a few jobs around the house, she’d better give good head. Warning to the ladies: You will either be his princess or you will be his b*tch. The time to decide which is while you’re still young, pure and impressionable. Don’t let society decide for you. A man will put up with lots from a woman because she’s either a. a virgin, or b. a great head-giver. (From a woman).

  5. Yes it is a dealbreaker for most guys myself included. We would get to know this very important fact early on in the relationship, more couples do it than don’t do it, and as someone else said it is the standard or norm, expected, for all new relationships.

    It is my experience that women that don’t go down are more insecure too, so the sex is usually not as good, plus I find other incompatibilities in the bedroom. My EX used to love receiving herself but would not give… WTF? Luckily my current is on the same page as me.

    The only women that seem to have a problem blowing guys are the ones that don’t like it or find it gross or otherwise not doing it. There are plenty of women out there that love doing it and if you find this a problem then maybe the problem is your sexual attitude. I believe that men’s attitude towards sex in general is a more positive one…

  6. Saying you can’t love someone anymore because they won’t give you a blow job is like saying you can’t love someone because they lost an arm or something except a lot less extreme than that in my opinion. If your boyfriend can’t love you for who you are (meaning you no longer want to give blowjobs because they make you sick) then tell him to go get a hooker. There ARE decent men in the world who actually care about their woman and not about getting their di*k sucked so please don’t feel like you have to do something you don’t want to do. <3

  7. ^ False comparison. Not a double standard. Asking a man to swallow another man is equivalent to asking a woman to go down on another woman. Asking a man to swallow a woman’s juice is equivalent to asking a woman to swallow a man’s juice.

  8. Don’t like it. I know lots of gays who would never swallow. Ask any guy who’s that into it to do it himself first – they would do it to themselves if they could, that’s fine, but tell them to blow another dick and see how they feel about it…double standard. No matter what people say, it is NOT standard. Just because porn movies tell you so does not make it true. Don’t believe the hype. Men can do without blowjobs. They’ll live.

  9. You don’t have to swallow. You can fake it. Swallowing is the best, of course, but you can let it “leak” out around your lips while breathing through your nose if it’s really not possible for you to do the deed. The sensation of the tongue against the shaft, the swallowing action, while his partner is swallowing is one of the best things to make a man scream! Another possibility is to get a dental dam. Then you can do the whole thing like a pro without any physical offensiveness to your person at all. If you can’t get the hang of “jerking off” the base of the shaft while enthusiastically sucking the part you can get in your mouth, put the shaft between your ring finger and middle finger and squeeze tightly, letting your saliva lube his shaft. Some guys really get off on the “booty boost” and if you’re both willing this will make him scream. The trick is to massage his prostate with the tip of your middle finger (lube is necessary in most cases) while you use your mouth and maybe your other hand to “abuse” his member. He’ll probably wake up the whole block when he comes! One more tip: the most sensitive part of a man’s penis apart from the glans is a little spot on the underside about an inch or so below the glans. It is kind of a concentrated area of nerves and on a circumcised penis can be seen as a slightly raised, round area about half the size of a pencil eraser. Guys love to have that area licked, sucked on and deeply massaged during a session of going down. It’s part of the path to orgasm for them, like stimulation of the clit is for women. Good luck.

  10. Annie has made all the points that I wanted to make but there’s one I’d like to expand on:

    If you are vomiting, as she said, you are doing it wrong.
    You don’t have to fit the whole thing in, you can rub the base of the shaft with your hand while sucking the rest of it.
    The whole thing gets attention and you won’t end up vomiting or choking.

  11. Guys….
    Shave ‘down there’ regularly, at least once every two weeks. also, learn to shower just before sex and use baby powder on that area, especially during warm weather. Less germs, less odor. a pleasant smell. Got’s to lead to better sex. ๐Ÿ™‚

  12. First of all, to all the ladies, we men like it so much because its that damn good! Its physical, pyschological, and visual all at the same time. Its one step under a woman saying no to any sex at all. That being said, any decent guy would take the initiative to try and figure it out between the two of you and not just brush it off as your problem. If im thinking about wanting sex or think my partner is wanting it i take a damn shower so im clean and smell fresh. As far as taste, there are flavored oils you could use and dont let him go off in your mouth. Bottom line if he doesnt care about helping you overcome this so that you can both please each other and feel good about it, dump him and find someone who will.

  13. If you hate doing it, you shouldn’t have to. This kind of thing shouldn’t be a conflict with your partner. I’d drop a guy who was pushing me to do something I hated. I can’t see any excuse for his behavior.

    However, oral sex doesn’t have to make you gag and choke. You can use your mouth and lips without putting the whole penis in your mouth. Also, if you do it lying down, you can control how much goes into your mouth.

    If the guy is thrusting and making you choke, he’s doing it wrong. That’s him getting carried away and not caring about what he does to you.

    Anyhow, my advice is dump him and look for a guy who is interested in working together to create pleasure. Then maybe oral sex will work for you.

  14. For the record, I have this problem, myself. I’m not sure what magic others are working on their guys to get their spunk to taste better, but it hasn’t worked in our household. There is no medical problem, the scent and taste of his sperm will turn me off faster than if my mother walked in the room.

    That being said, I did feel bad about it because I know how much he enjoys me swallowing, which eventually led to me just buckling down and doing it. Yes, I’m still nauseated and I have to get up immediately after to brush my teeth and yes, I shiver and dry heave just thinking about the smell and taste. But, on the other hand, seeing that look on his face makes it all worth it. With more practice, I’m hoping I’ll become desensitized and won’t need to get up right after.

    Im glad someone finally wrote something like this…I thought I was the only one.

  15. What’s so hard to understand here?? She does not like giving oral sex!! I don’t either. Believe me, I’ve tried, for almost 20 years. I finally said: No more oral. If that means I’ll never be with another man again, so be it! I feel that strongly about it. Spare me the nonsense about it being ‘standard’ and ‘mandatory’ now. I hate this obsession everybody has with this one sex act. I don’t need to find out why I don’t like it, either. It’s like people not liking brussels sprouts. I hate it and will not do it ever again!!!!

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