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Why Everyone Needs a Rhymes-with-Bucket List

April 27th, 2015


photo via Wikimedia Commons

Our favorite part of President Obama’s monologue at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner monologue on Saturday night was this: “I am determined to make the most of every moment I have left. After the midterm elections, my advisors asked me ‘Mr. President, do you have a bucket list?’ And I said, “Well, I have something that rhymes with bucket list.’ Take executive action on immigration. Bucket. New climate regulations. Bucket. It’s the right thing to do.”

Which got us thinking: Everyone needs a rhymes-with-bucket list! Because bucket lists themselves can be kind of intimidating. All those things you have to do. Man, it’s exhausting. And as the years pass and you fail to check off a single item? That bucket list can start to make you feel like crap when you get out of bed in the morning. It can taunt you a little.

Not so the rhymes-with-bucket list, however! Rhymes-with-bucket is meant to make your life easier. Here are ten items to kick off your very own rhymes-with-bucket list. Add to it whenever the “bucket” mood strikes you…

1. Don’t have Gisele’s body? Bucket! Love the skin you’re in, even the bits that have stretch marks and funny-shaped birthmarks. Because confidence is sexier than self-loathing any day of the week. (Related:  Can’t pull off skinny jeans? Bucket! Remember when boot-cut jeans were trendy and women everywhere gave thanks because pretty much anyone can look good in boot cut? And then the fashion gods decreed that skinny was in — because, duh, fashion people are skinny. How mean girl is that? We think you should wear them — and your muffin top — with pride… or, if you prefer, go full nineties in your boot cuts. Because who cares what cut your jeans are? Like 0.000001% of the population, that’s who.)

2. Feel like a woman inside? Bucket! Think like a genderbread person, just like Bruce Jenner did. Because the genitals you were born with do not have to define you.

3. Don’t feel like “doing brunch”? Bucket! Because this awesome SNL parody of the Sara Bareilles song “Brave” says so.

4. Can’t handle casual sex? Bucket! Just because all the cool kids are doing it, doesn’t mean you have to jump on the booty calling bandwagon. If you prefer sex in the content of a long-term, loving, committed relationship, then speak up… and keep your legs closed and/or your pants zipped until you get a response you like. Because we say so!

5. Want to discuss a major plot-spoiling aspect of your favorite TV show on Twitter right now? Bucket! Because discussing things right as they happen is kind of the whole point of Twitter, isn’t it? Also because that same SNL parody says so. In fact, it’s kind of the national anthem of the rhymes-with-bucket list, in our opinion.

6. Can’t keep up with world events in the news? Bucket! Just subscribe to the Daily Skimm. Because we do, and now we don’t have to pretend to know what everyone else is talking about.

7. Can’t stand your spouse? Bucket! Get a divorce. Because we’re like 99.9999999% certain you won’t go to hell for it.

8. Feel like getting a little kinky tonight? Bucket! Just say something. Because communication is the cornerstone of good sex. And if you never ask, you’ll never know whether your partner’s up for it.

9. Not in the mood? Bucket! Don’t have sex. Just because your sister does it four times a week and Cosmopolitan magazine says you should do it five times a week and your parents are still doing it and TV commercials make it seem like even eating salad dressing gives you an orgasm — doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you if you don’t feel like having sex all the time. Because whether you feel like getting tied up and spanked, or you’re more in the mood for some platonic cuddling tonight — you make your own normal.

10. Want to get married/pay for dinner/ask someone out/get laid/get a raise/stay home with the kids? Bucket! Just ask, already, no matter whether it’s supposed to be the man’s or woman’s job to do so. Because it’s 2015, people. Duh.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: Sexual Positions Edition

April 27th, 2015

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Keeping up with the Joneses in bed is a terrible idea. But every now and then it’s fun to be totally immature. Try out the wackiest position you can think of (the Wheelbarrow? the Spork?) and then brag about it to all your friends.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
We’ve often said that the 69 is kind of like communism: great in theory, but kind of disappointing in practice. Our prejudices notwithstanding, this week you should make like Marx and give the 69 a try — you and your partner may be just the shiny new face this maligned position has been waiting for.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
The missionary position is not just for teary, face-holding, baby-making sex. Sometimes it’s just a nice way to connect with your partner after a rough day at the office.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Sex is not a competition and it’s not a reality television show. But sometimes feeling like a winner in bed gives your sex life a pleasant boost. Conquering standing up sex is one way to do this.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’ve been getting lazy about foreplay lately. Sure, it’s great when you know each other so well that you can just jump right in. But this week, start things up in the shower (perfect for foreplay and oral; mostly a terrible idea for intercourse) and towel off when you’re ready to turn it up to eleven.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
It’s really hard to commit to that kinky Santorum-Palin roleplaying scenario if you’re gently making love in the spoon position. We recommend doggie style.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Two words for you: chair sex.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Some people trade class rings. Others meet the parents. Still others merge bank accounts. And then there are those few braves souls who toss each other’s salads.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
This is a good week to make changes in the way you relate to your partner. But it’s not always that easy to just stop nagging, or start trusting, or learn to compromise, or stand up for yourself. Try making a little change in the bedroom, first, and see if it inspires change outside the bedroom. If you’re usually on the bottom, hop on top, pop — and vice versa.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Talk is cheap. Unreciprocated oral is priceless.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Having a baby is a terrible way to save a marriage, and having a three-way is a terrible way to save a relationship. But having a three-way is an excellent way to cheer yourself up after a breakup. (Less hardcore version: Just fantasize about one. Hello, Ryan Gosling and Jessica Chastain.)

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Did you know that yoga can help you climax? If downward dog doesn’t do it for you, try the kneeling lotus position instead (er, after class, that is).

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Your Call: How Much of a Factor Is Height in Male Attractiveness?

April 27th, 2015

photo by Ranjit Laxman Photography

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

 

Dear Em & Lo,

I read a study that said 71% of women will not look at a guy if he is under 6 foot tall. I read another study that said men who are 5’9 and under have more sex than men who are 6 foot and up. Any idea on who’s lying here? If women are attracted to men who are only 6 foot plus, then why is the average U.K height for a man 5’9? Surely, shorter and/or weaker men, should have died out by now…?

- ISO Perspective

What should ISOP? Leave advice for him in the comments section below.

 

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Why You Should Dump Someone Who’s Perfect for You

April 24th, 2015

Dear Em & Lo,

I am 23 years old and A, my boyfriend of four years, and I are currently four months into a long-distance relationship until I graduate from my university this summer and move across the country to be with him. I recently connected with J, a guy that I was seeing five years ago. Back then, J and I never went any further than making out and never dated, since he graduated from our university soon after we met. We reconnected and I am really into him. I spend more time talking to J than A and we have a lot of things in common. One night and several drinks later, J and I ended up making out.

I have never cheated on my boyfriend before, but instead of feeling guilty about cheating on him, weeks later I can’t seem to get J off of my mind. I’ve been in two long-term relationships since I was 15 (the first boyfriend was for 3 years) and I haven’t been single for more than a few months since the time I’ve been allowed to date. A wants to propose and I’m not ready for it, but I don’t know how to tell him this without hurting him.

Overall, he is everything I want in a man, but he doesn’t know how to satisfy me sexually anymore and has gotten really lazy in the bedroom despite the fact that I tell him about this a lot. I also feel really inexperienced because I’ve only been with two guys my entire life.

How do I know my current fling with J isn’t just lust? Do I just have expiration dates on guys of about three to four years? How do you know if you should end a long relationship to move on?

– Torn

Dear Torn,

Let’s just review:

  • You’re 23.
  • You’re in college.
  • You’re in a long-distance relationship while you’re 23 and in college.
  • You feel like being with only two people makes you “inexperienced.”
  • You’ve never really been single.
  • Your boyfriend, who we’re assuming is also in his early 20s, has gotten lazy about sex?!?
  • You cheated and can’t stop thinking about the other guy.

This is an easy one: it’s time to break up (or at least take a break). You’ve got a lot of living to do and you certainly aren’t ready to get married. We’re not suggesting that there’s something inherently wrong with getting married young or with only being sexually intimate with two people — for some people, that works. But if the tone of your email is any indication, it’s not going to work for you…

Don’t feel pressured to stay in this relationship because you feel guilty about cheating, or because you feel like you’ve already invested so much time in this relationship, or because A is a great guy. He’s just not great for you — at least not right now.

The only fair thing to do — for both you and A — is to tell him you need to take a break from the relationship (which means the possibility of seeing other people, for both of you). He may break up with you right then and there. You guys may break up permanently in a few months. You might get back together ten months or ten years from now, when you’ve both dated other people and realized that you were in fact perfect for each other. Or maybe you’ll meet someone who convinces you that breaking up with A was the best thing you could have ever done. Maybe just being alone for a while will convince you of this. Just give yourself a chance to try something new.

Tough love,
Em & Lo

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photo via flickr

The Real Reasons Why Men Send Pics of their Penises

April 23rd, 2015

by Amanda Chatel for YourTango  |  Justin Bieber selfie via Instagram

Finally, ladies: the answer you’ve long been waiting for.

It was just a matter of time before we took  the technology we have at our fingertips and made it all about sex. I mean, we’re horny, sexual beings, so why wouldn’t we? But while sending our partners nude photos seems totally acceptable, the whole “dick pic” thing just doesn’t have the same level of respectability. Maybe it’s because dudes on OKCupid think it’s the ideal way to snag a lady friend? I’m not really sure.

We tracked down nine men who were willing to not only admit that they’ve sent a dick pic (or two or three or more), but also tell us why, oh why, they do such things. I’ve yet to meet a woman who’s ever said, “And he sent me a dick pic and it was awesome!” But while some of us may not be able to appreciate their, um, manhood, we can at least now start to figure out why the hell they do it.

1. It’s about pride…

“When I used to do it, it was often a mixture of pride and … pride. I only ever rarely did it unsolicited but I’d never gotten a ‘Why did you do that?!’ And I occasionally got a couple of “do that again, please,” responses.

Now, as an older, rational man, I frown upon unsolicited dick pics because it’s just wrong, even if the only reason most men do it is because they hope you’ll show your tits in return. All that said, if a woman asks, it’s a request that should be fulfilled immediately because more often than not, it’s a test.”

2. It’s nice to get a compliment…

“Either I was asked for it or I knew that the person would respond positively. It feels good to have someone compliment your junk or tell you that they want it.”

3. I was hoping to get a photo of them in return…

“I’ve always thought of it as tit for tat. If I send it, even if they don’t ask for it, I assumed it would get me a naked picture of them. But I would like to point out that I haven’t tried that since I was 25 or so … so it’s been about five years.”

4. So she knows she gave me an erection…

“It has always been in the middle of some dirty texting and it made sense to share how hard she made me.”

5. I thought it would be an honor for her…

“Let’s pretend I might have considered it in my teens. Those years predate mobile phone cameras (or even digital ones) so honestly, teenage me would have probably considered it an honor for the woman to receive a large oil painting of my trouser business.”

6. It’s usually after I’ve been drinking…

“I can’t answer this because I don’t know why I’ve done it. It’s usually after I’ve been drinking and for some reason it just makes sense. The next morning I always realize it was a stupid and childish move but it doesn’t stop me from doing it again when I’ve had too much to drink.”

7. I was asked for it…

“Because I’ve been asked. Plain and simple. If someone I’m into wants a picture of my dick, then why wouldn’t I oblige?”

8. I’m just a guy…

“I’ve yet to meet a woman who has said that dicks are nice to look at it. So maybe subconsciously I’m trying to change that thought with mine? It’s either that or I’m just a guy.”

9. I assume it might be erotic…

“Since it’s erotic for me to get a picture of any part of a woman’s body, I assumed it might be erotic for her, too. But my wife put an end to that after I tried that once when we were still dating. She still makes fun of me for it.”

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Deal Breaker or No Deal Breaker: Oral Sex

April 23rd, 2015

“Deal Breaker or No Deal Breaker” is a new series of polls we’ll be running at EMandLO.com. We want to know what our readers consider a deal breaker in a serious relationship, and what they could get past. A deal breaker could be anything from someone who doesn’t like doggy style… to someone who doesn’t like Woody Allen movies. Basically, anything that you couldn’t overlook in a relationship — some kind of “catch” that ultimately outweighs any redeeming quality a person may have.

This week’s Deal Breaker or No Breaker topic is oral sex. Let’s say you meet the man or woman of your dreams, but it turns out they don’t like oral sex (receiving, giving, whatever). Would that be a deal breaker for you? Or let’s say you meet the man or woman of your dreams, and they really really like oral sex (receiving, giving, whatever). Like, a lot. Would that be a deal breaker for you? Or, on the other hand, do you feel like anything related to oral sex would be something you could get past?

Weigh in by voting in one of our polls below! The first poll is for men, the second for women…



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Dream Interpretation: I Had Sex with Tim Curry As Frank-N-Furter

April 23rd, 2015

photo via flickr

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

I recently had a dream that I was having sex with a celebrity, the famous Tim Curry. But when I was engaging in sexual activity with him, it was year 1975 and he was dress in his Transvestite costume from the movie The Rocky Horror Picture Show and the sex was hot, I’m just being honest. I could feel him pick me up off the ground and hug me, his arms were strong and when his chest touch my chest, it was like a connection. We all know that Tim Curry is quite yummy anyway, especially with his acting skills. But to have a dream of having sex with him was unlike any other dream I’ve had in a long time. This dream probably doesn’t mean anything, but I’ve always wanted to better understand why I have the dreams I have when I’m asleep? To be more frank about the dream, the fact that it took place in year 1975 is crazy because I wasn’t born until 1988.

Lauri: As any Rocky Horror fan knows, RHPS hit movie theaters in 1975 and this, being 2015, is the 40th anniversary of that magnificent film! That is probably why your dream took place in 1975.

The thing about The Rocky Horror Picture Show is that it’s not just a movie, it’s an identity. When you are a fan, you are a diehard fan; it courses through your blood stream and becomes part of your DNA. That may explain the “connection” you felt in the dream when your chests touched. The chest is where the heart is after all and Rocky Horror, and the delicious Tim Curry, will be carried in your heart forever. Trust me, I’m well into my 40s and Rocky Horror has been a part of me since I was 15. I even had a pet tarantula named Meat Loaf!

Anyway, back to you. Just as you took Tim into your body in the dream, so have you taken Rocky Horror into your heart and soul in real life. In a nut shell, your dream is telling you to give yourself over to absolute pleasure. Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh – erotic nightmares beyond any measure, and sensual daydreams to treasure forever. Can’t you just see it? Don’t dream it, be it. (Sorry…had to.)

 

Visit Lauri’s site, WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams each morning, check out her latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert. You can see all of Lauri’s books here. And hey, if you want your very own pin-up painting of you or your luvva (either vintage or modern), Lauri can do that, too! 

 

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30th Anniversary of One of the Most Romantic Movies Ever Made

April 22nd, 2015

This month marks the 30th anniversary of the Merchant-Ivory production, A Room with a View, which won an Oscar for best adapted screenplay in 1985 (along with best art direction and costume design) and introduced many of us to the possibility that mainstream movies could, in fact, have full frontal male nudity. Based on the 1908 novel by E.M Forster, it follows Lucy Honeychurch (a young Helena Bonham Carter) as she travels abroad to Italy and back home to England, as she denies her heart and resists the unorthodox advances of free thinker George Emerson (played by Julian Sands before he ruined everything with Boxing Helena) — perhaps not a ringing endorsement for taking women at their word about their own desires and preferences. But when taken in the context of the time it was written, along with the full confidence that we know Lucy’s true inclinations (even if she’s not yet permitted in uptight British society to admit them to herself), A Room with a View actually promotes the idea of women having the freedom to think their own thoughts and follow their own hearts, tradition and good manners be damned. We dare you to (re)watch it and not swoon a little.

Below are some of the best — and most romantic — moments in the film in chronological order, collated from IMDB and this copy of the screenplay:

Mr. Beebee (local English reverend): May I say something – rather daring?
Lucy: Oh, Mr. Beebee: you sound like Miss Lavish. Don’t say you are writing a novel, too.
Mr. Beebee: If I were, you should be my heroine and I would write: “If Miss Honeychurch ever takes to live as she plays, it will be very exciting – both for us and for her.”

Mr. Emerson (George’s fathter): I don’t require you to fall in love with my boy, but try and understand him. My poor young lady, I think you’re muddled, too — you’ve let other people muddle you.
Lucy: Is that what’s happened to him? Has he let other people -
Mr. Emerson: No, in his case he’s done it himself – with all this brooding on the things of the Universe. I don’t believe in this world sorrow. Do you?
Lucy: No. Oh no. I don’t, Mr. Emerson. Not at all.
Mr. Emerson: Well there you are! Then make my boy realize that by the side of the everlasting Why there is a yes! And a Yes and a Yes!

After witnessing a murder in a piazza together and George catching Lucy in a faint:
Lucy: How quickly these accidents do happen and then one returns to the old life.
George: I don’t. I mean, something’s happened to me… and to you.

Miss Lavish: …I have a theory that there is something in the Italian landscape which inclines even the most stolid nature to romance.

From the screenplay:
COACHMAN stops to pick some violets and presents them to LUCY. She takes them with real pleasure. They walk on. The view is forming — LUCY sees the river, the golden plain, other hills.
Coachman: Eccolo!
Lucy gives a cry — the ground has given way and she falls on to a little terrace, covered with violets from end to end. It is like a sea of violets, foaming down the hillside.
Standing on the brink of this sea, like a swimmer about to five, is Geoge.
Georg contemplates Lucy – who appears to have fallen out of heaven into this sea of violets which beats against her dress in blue waves.
The Coachman watches them from behind the bushes, a violet between his teeth.
George steps forward quickly and kisses Lucy (on the cheek).
[In the movie, there are no violets, the coachman is silent, he simply points to where she’ll find George contemplating the landscape, she approaches, doesn’t fall, George notices her, and briskly walks up to her, grabs her face with one hand, wraps the other arm around her and plants one long kiss squarely on her lips. Still, the screenplay description is quite beautiful to imagine.]

 

Mr. Beebee: Does it seem reasonable to you that she should play so wonderfully — play Beethoven with such passion — and yet live so quietly? … I suspect that the day will come when music and life will mingle, and then she will be wonderful in both.

Freddy Honeychurch (Lucy’s brother): How d’ye do? Come and have a bathe.
George Emerson: I’d like that.
Reverend Beebe: [laughs] That’s the best conversational opening I’ve ever heard. “How do you do? Come and have a bathe.”

 

George Emerson (to Lucy): He’s the sort who can’t know anyone intimately, least of all a woman. He doesn’t know what a woman is. He wants you for a possession, something to look at, like a painting or an ivory box. Something to own and to display. He doesn’t want you to be real, and to think and to live. He doesn’t love you. But I love you. I want you to have your own thoughts and ideas and feelings, even when I hold you in my arms.

 

Mr. Emerson: You love George. You love the boy body and soul, as he loves you.
Lucy Honeychurch: [crying] But of course I do. What did you all think?

 

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Comment of the Week: Naming the Female Equivalent of Blue Balls

April 22nd, 2015

We’ve had some pretty creative additions to our poll calling for a name for the female equivalent of blue balls. Here are a few recent contenders…

What’s your favorite?

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photo via Flickr