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Your Call: Should She and Her Boyf Go to an Orgy?

May 20th, 2013

photo by Vacasion

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

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Dear Em & Lo,

Last night, while watching a movie with an orgy/group sex party in it, my long term BF suggested that it would be sexy to try something like that, expect only have sex with each other (no swinging). He likes the idea of having sex while other people watch and I admit it is exciting to try something new that will spice things up and bring us closer.

However, I am a bit nervous about some things and also have no idea where to go to find such a party! I am nervous about being naked in front of strangers, my BF wanting to have sex with someone else, or someone trying to join us. Any advice would be great!

– Eyes Wide Shut

How should E.W.S. proceed? Leave your feedback in the comments section below.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 05-20-13

May 20th, 2013

photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Don’t turn your back on someone who has been loyal to you for years — this might refer to love, or it may apply simply to a friendship or business relationship. Shame on you for even considering it, by the way! Think of everything they’ve ever done for you. Sure, they may be completely annoying in their own special way, but that’s part of their charm. Don’t walk away from them, not if you want us to talk to you again.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Hey big spender, put your wallet away. If it’s your hard-earned dollars winning someone over, are they really worth winning? Even if it’s your easily-come-by trust fund dollars doing the winning? Okay, so let’s just say, hypothetically, that they really are that hot, and you really are that superficial. But how are you going to hold onto your gold-digging hottie next time Ben Bernanke’s forecast doesn’t agree with your stock portfolio? Plan for the future by being generous of heart but stingy of wallet for a while. If you find yourself tempted to spend!-spend!-spend!, then feel free to buy our books!

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Put on the charm and do your dance this week. (Wait, you have a dance? Is this something you do in your underwear in front of your bedroom mirror? Does it involve spanking your own ass with a hairbrush? Or is this “dance” something you do out in public, like some kind of macho-b.s. end zone spaz-out that embarrasses all your friends?) Uh, maybe don‘t do your dance. Putting on the charm, however, is fine by us, and will probably get you some good attention.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You’re living Les Liaisons Dangereuse this week. You are Madame de Tourvel (or Michelle Pfeiffer, for those of who prefer your literary classics in easily digestible movie form) and your wooer is Vicomte de Valmont (John Malkovich)–devastatingly romantic and heartbreaking on the surface, but manipulative and cynical underneath. Beware of love letters, especially those written on parchment with feather quills.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’ve got a real craving for chocolate and security this week. The candy aisle at your grocery store will take care of the chocolate. As for finding stability, that’s a little trickier. Don’t throw yourself at just anyone who seems willing. Get to know potential partners before moving forward. (If you look up “moving forward” in a thesaurus, it’ll say “doing it like they do on the Discovery Channel.”)

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Don’t commit to anything or anyone this week. That means no money down for a summer time share, no acceptance of invitations to any Breaking Bad parties in August, no promises of lifelong fidelity, and no agreeing to reciprocal oral sex either.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Stop making excuses and join in the fun. Get out and take part in some damn social activities. Don’t waste time sitting at home alone watching reruns of The Ghost Whisperer on Tivo, not when this is such a great week for romance! Now, if that little motivational speech doesn’t light a fire under your ass, then maybe it’s time to get a happy pill prescription. Or at least some chocolate. (See Leo.)

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You’ll want to push this week, like a pregnant lady in labor. But when you get pushy with love, you start to make faces and grunting noises, much like a pregnant lady in labor. Have you ever watched a live birth, like on TLC? It’s not exactly sexy. This week, you’ve just got to let the love come on its own. Save the faces and grunting for the miracle of birth–or at least for the sex you’ll hopefully get next week as a reward for not being pushy this week.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You will find yourself attracted to someone much older than you…or much younger than you. If you offer to help them out in some way (be creative: everybody needs a little help sometimes) you’ll find yourself in a position to ask them out. And if you do find yourself in that position, you damn well better ask them out, or else this entire eerily accurate horoscope will have been for naught.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
This week you’ll suddenly find yourself attracted to someone you meet via work. But it’s not necessarily a good week for this. If you’ve got a performance review coming up–or if the “via work” connection is that the hottie in question is married to your boss–then we suggest taking a sick day and staying home to jerk off to soap operas.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
We hope your town has some kind of charity run coming up. Or even a charity chicken dance. Because if you take part in some sort of charity event this week you might meet someone special. If you can’t find anything pre-existing, then we suggest you give fate a helping hand and organize one of your own. It’s not cheating if we say it’s not.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
It’s time to make a romantic decision. Your heart is racing and you aren’t sure exactly what to do next. You probably have to go to the bathroom real bad, too. But if you follow your heart, revisit the moral of every romantic comedy ever made, and live by the big book of cliches, then you will become America’s favorite horse mouth, Julia Roberts! Okay, okay, you’ll just find yourself in a committed relationship–that’s kind of crazy too, but in a good way.

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Not Tonight Dear, I Feel Fat: How to Get Over Your Body in Bed

May 17th, 2013

More than half of all women have put off sex — even when they were in the mood — because they felt too fat. A recent study showed that how a woman feels about her body has more influence on libido than even menopause — and we have the letters in our inbox to back this up. (Those rare women who always feel good about their bodies probably stress about how “normal” their labia are!)

A new book, Not Tonight Dear, I Feel Fat, by sex columnist Michael Alvear — he was also the co-host of HBO’s show The Sex Inspectors — helps women get past their negative feelings about their bodies in order to truly enjoy themselves in bed. Here are seven of Alvear’s tips for sparking your libido next time you’re feeling bad about your stomach/hips/butt/insert body part you obsess over:

1. Speak up.

Being still, quiet and passive are ways of withdrawing from activity—leaving nothing left to focus on but your body. The secret to managing your mind is bed is to be active: talk, engage, exchange. Move so you can stop being a sight to see and be a force to be felt.

2. Lower your estimate.

Research shows that women with body anxiety overestimate the size and shape of their body by at least 25%. When you’re focusing on your body, apply the 25% margin of error. Your butt just got 1/4 smaller than you thought.

3. Get active, then get frisky.

Exercise doesn’t just affect your abs. It also raises hormones linked with arousal—estrogen, prolactin, and, cortisol—particularly 30 min. after the workout. Plan your sexy evening before hitting the gym, to make the most of its effect.

4. Sexual competence builds body confidence.

Women who consider themselves “good in bed” report far less anxiety, even when researchers held their weight constant. Feeling good about what your body can do is the first step to feeling good about your body. [Editor's note: For expanding your expertise, may we humbly suggest our new book, 150 Shades of Play?]

5. Share your fantasy.

Fantasize your way out of your appearance anxiety. Go light or go Fifty Shades of Grey, but go. Inhabiting new people and situations makes you far less likely to focus on your thighs.

6. Develop erotic cues.

From smelling your favorite aftershave to just having a heart-to-heart talk with your guy, finding your body’s cues triggers a response that brings your desires to conscious awareness.

7. Find your best light.

No supermodel can save harsh lighting, so take time to do a room makeover, keeping lighting soft and low wattage. Think about installing a dimmer switch—or even a strobe light.

Not Tonight Dear, I Feel Fat by Michael Alvear is on sale now

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Blog Snog: 11 Times When It’s Totally Appropriate to Have a Loud Orgasm

May 17th, 2013

photo via The Frisky

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Dream Interpretation: My Wife Orgasms with Someone Else

May 16th, 2013

photo via Flickr

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it. This week, a reader asks Lauri:

In the past couple of days I have had weird dreams about my wife. The first dream went like this: She wasn’t feeling too well so I took her to see the doctor. At the clinic/hospital, there was a sea of doctors to choose from. Trying to lighten her mood, I asked her to pick a cute/good looking one (I don’t think I really specified male or female). She then picked a male doctor, who happened to be someone I knew from medical school (we were classmates). He came along and I started to tell him about her symptoms (a fever, etc), she told me I didn’t know exactly how she felt (in a nice way) and shooed me away. Next I found myself in some kind of vantage position (picture being on the top bunk of a bunk bed and looking down on the bottom bunk over the edge). The doctor started examining/treating her and then I saw that he started fingering her and my wife was moaning. I don’t really know what happened afterwards but next thing I recall is my wife coming out to meet me in a waiting room with that smile and after-sex/after-orgasm glow. I woke up shortly after.

Second dream: We were in our apartment and I was in the living room and she was in the bedroom with another woman (I don’t think I know who it was). It seemed like they were either just cleaning or talking. The next thing I recall is that they were making love. I did not see them in the act and I somehow didn’t have the willpower to get up to go to the bedroom to actually look at them but from the sounds it was clear what they were up to. While I was in the living room, I happened to be watching porn on the TV. Then I vaguely recall them climaxing in the room and I in the living room.

What can all these possibly mean?

Lauri:  The hospital setting of the first dream suggests that there is something within the marriage or perhaps something solely with your wife that needs to get better… and it seems you are trying to help correct the situation.

The way your wife says that you don’t know how she feels when you are trying to describe her symptoms may really be connected to her feelings that you don’t understand her. Has she recently said to you, “You don’t get it; you don’t know how I feel.”? Or “You don’t know how I should feel?”

The vantage point you have either means your wife feels you “look down on her” or something she is doing, or it could mean you are trying to rise above the issue at hand, take the high road, etc.

At the end of both dreams your wife orgasms, which is a good indication that she has taken care of the waking life issue on her own. What has she done in waking life, without you? In what way has she brought completion or satisfaction to herself? It seems that, through these dreams, you are realizing that she has become self reliant in some respect.

Want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning? Lauri’s latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, will give you the tools you need to become a Dream Expert too! Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it.

 

 

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The 5 Most Important Things to Know About Spanking (Before You Try It)

May 16th, 2013

photo via Flickr

A little spanking session in the bedroom is a quick, easy, and affordable way to spice things up (look ma, nothing but hands!). But as with anything involving painful pleasure, there are always important safety issues — both physical and emotional — that you should familiarize yourself with first, before you go swatting away like gangbusters. Consider this the kinder, gentler way to spank:

1. Remove all bracelets and rings. The only prop you need is your bare palm. But if you want to accessorize, best to go with a made-for-kinky-play paddle, like the Naughty and Nice Plush Paddle at GoodVibes.com — something like this is easy to control the aim and force of (unlike whips and floggers, which are too dangerous for dabblers).

2. Make sure you have a willing participant. You can’t take someone over your knee and go to town without their consent first (no matter how naughty they’ve been, which apparently includes not buying the right coffee, see above). However, if you know each other well and fully trust each other and believe they’d truly enjoy it, you can try one very gentle little love pat on the bum during sex and gauge their reaction.

3. If you get their go-ahead from there, very gradually work your way up in spanking intensity, interspersing swats with soothing massages to spread the heat — all the while checking in with your partner as to their comfort and eagerness.

4. Only aim for the lower, fleshier halves of each cheek and the backs of the upper thighs  — avoid the lower back, tailbone, and back of the knees. Remember, you’re going for good pain (e.g. an intense back massage), not bad pain (e.g. getting a finger slammed in a car door, or listening to Celine Dion).

5. While a woman might like particular attention paid to the intersection of bum crack and crease, with the vibrations reverberating throughout the vulva, definitely steer clear of his family jewels!

This article originally appeared on

For more on spanking and other kinky endeavors, pick up a copy150 SHADES OF PLAY, on sale now at Amazon!

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Dear Em & Lo, Why Am I Still Hung Up on My Ex?

May 15th, 2013

photo via Flickr

Dear Em & Lo,

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of two and a half solid years and then we were on and off for another year or so. I moved on to a kid I had been dating during the ‘off’ time with my previous boyfriend. I was fine and having a great time with my new boy until about a week ago when I found out my ex-boyfriend moved on as well. Obviously, I didn’t expect him to wait around for me but I guess it just hit me that we were now over. For real. Now the ex-BF is all I think about. Am I really not over him, or do I only care because I found out he moved on? I assume these feelings I have toward him will eventually pass and I’ll be able to move on for good, because the kid I’m now seeing is great, but I don’t have much experience in the break-up department. Any tips?

–Not As Over Him As I Thought
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Dear NAOHAIT,

Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. Anyway, yeah, there’s this little thing called an ego, and it causes many women to secretly hope that all the men they’ve loved and left will carry a torch for them the rest of their lives. Sure, you hope these men move on and fall in love and marry and have kids and all that…eventually. (After all, you wouldn’t want to carry with you the guilt of having actually ruined a man.)

But still, deep down, many people like the idea that, late at night, those exes’ thoughts occasionally drift to them and how totally amazing they were in bed/on the tennis court/at Jeopardy/etc. It doesn’t mean that you’re still pining for your ex or that you’re meant to be with him or that this new kid on the block you’re dating isn’t all-that. All it means is that you’re human and you’re not a saint and, much as you’d like your ex to be happy, it still causes a twinge when he gets that way.

Our advice is to avoid Facebook at all costs (we know you’re tempted to spend the night Googling until you can find a photo of your ex’s new love–don’t do it, masochist!) and spend the time you save having totally awesome new-guy sex instead. Trust us, this too shall pass.

Smooches,
Em & Lo

 
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Comment of the Week: This Is the Worst Article I Have Ever Read

May 15th, 2013

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It’s not often that a comment makes us laugh out loud, but this one did. There’s just something about a hater that can brighten the day. The best thing about it: we’d understand if this were in response to one of our more political, opinionated posts on, say, gender inequities or abortion rights, but 5 Easy Ways to Talk Dirtier Tonight is a simple advice column with some little tips and tricks for the tongue-tied to spice things up. Who knew it was such a touchy subject? Behold, “Sexual Being”‘s wallop:

This is the worst article I have ever read on any subject. Please don’t ever write anything ever again. You have contributed nothing to the sexually active community. The only people who would benefit from this article are five year olds. Please, please, PLEASE quit this job and go on a journey of self discovery. You are not a writer.

Oh, and by the way S.B., our seven books — including our latest AWARD-WINNING one — would beg to differ with your last point.

 

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C Is for Cuffs

May 14th, 2013

Lelo’s Etherea Silk Cuffs (a black version is part of their Dare Me Pleasure Set)

The following is from our very own naughty, award-winning dictionary, 150 SHADES OF PLAY: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink. Bolded words signify individual entries that appear elsewhere in the A-to-Z section of the book. Anything with a tie icon indicates an activity or prop mentioned in the Fifty Shades series (symbolic of the famous woven tie Christian Grey uses to restrain Anastasia Steele). The idea being: look up something you’re interested in and, from there, make it a choose-your-own-adventure book by following any bolded words that pique your interest to their own dedicated entry. Or just start at A and don’t stop ‘til you get to Z—or ‘til you’re compelled to try something out with your partner, whichever comes first!:

C

 cuffs, ankle and wrist

If restraining someone by their wrists and ankles is the meat-and-potatoes of bondage, then made-for-play cuffs (sold at any sex toy store) are bondage’s Hungry-Man frozen dinners: quick, easy, and surprisingly satisfying. Bondage cuffs are way safer than handcuffs and provide instant gratification—unlike rope, with its pain-in-the-ass learning curve. Most cuffs are made of either leather or nylon (for kinky vegans, e.g. Super Cuffs) and are often lined with faux fur, etc. (for comfort even during marathon seshes). And before you complain that faux fur is “not me” or “so last season,” just try writhing around in a pair of police-issue handcuffs first. For real-world restraints that aren’t a pain in the wrist, check out the surprisingly attractive institutional cuffs at MedicalToys.com. And for something a little more in line with the high-end Fifty Shades aesthetic, check out LELO’s Etherea Silk Cuffs and Sutra Chainlink Cuffs.

Bondage cuffs feature either buckles or Velcro (the former gives a stronger hold, the latter a quicker release and a sexy sound) and are fairly wide (at least two to three inches) to ward off the nerve damage that is a risk of traditional handcuffs. Speaking of risks: As with any form of bondage, the bottom should speak up as soon as he or she notices any numbness or tingling, and the top should allow for at least one finger’s width between cuff and skin. And regular bondage cuffs should never be used for any kind of suspension — you need special equipment for that sort of advanced play (although you should never suspend someone from the wrists, no matter the gear). Bondage cuffs typically feature D-rings so that they can be tethered to each other, to bed posts, to chair legs, etc. And if you’re still sleeping on your college futon? Most sex toy shops sell “Under the Bed” tethers that serve as makeshift bedposts. Another option is to attach the ankle or wrist cuffs to a spreader bar. For more self-contained bondage, just attach wrist to wrist and ankle to ankle. You can even attach bound wrists to bound ankles (either in front or back) for an instant hogtie! See also bondage safety, collars, cuffs (grip), cuffs (rope), door jamb cuffs, and handcuffs.

For more on restraints and other kinky endeavors, pick up a copy 150 SHADES OF PLAY, on sale now at Amazon!

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What We Talk About When We Talk About Angelina Jolie’s Boobs

May 14th, 2013

photo via Flickr

Angelina Jolie wrote an op ed in the New York Times today about her decision to have a preventive double mastectomy in order to greatly reduce her risk of breast cancer, which she had an almost 90% chance of getting due to a “faulty” gene (BRCA1) which greatly predisposes carriers to the disease.

Her acting career — indeed her celebrity career — has often revolved and relied on her otherworldly beauty (which includes bodily proportions more akin to Barbie than the average woman). Case in point: Lara Croft: Tomb Raider was basically a vehicle for her boobs. Her body has been a fantasy and jealousy maker for both men and women (and not just respectively speaking). And as is the case with any celebrity, but especially one who’s part of an elite power couple known for their physical beauty, her body has been something we feel we own in some way with our Us Weekly ogling.

Which is why this op ed comes as such a shocker. How could she willingly remove these money-making, awe-inspiring assets? Especially without consulting us? She’s taken away the essence of her identity!

Which of course she hasn’t. Jolie could have quietly undergone the procedure, gotten the reconstruction and moved on. But by going public, she’s teaching us several valuable lessons:

- Celebrities aren’t superhuman. Even though being filthy rich can often help with medical matters, celebrities are still just people made of cells that can be prone to illness and disease. They get old (try as they might to fight it) and they die, sometimes accidentally, sometimes prematurely, sometimes naturally. We won’t find double mastectomies featured in Us Weekly’s “Celebrities, They’re Just Like Us” column, but maybe we should.

- Boobs don’t make the woman. We are not defined by our body parts, no matter how much pop culture and porn insist we are. Breasts aren’t just for show — they’re for feeding our babies, for our own pleasure, and sometimes they’re for nothing and nobody. (What woman hasn’t wished them away during a jog or on a hot day or when walking past a bunch of construction workers?) A woman’s worth is comprised of so much more: her intellect, her personality, her accomplishments, her career, her family, her values. Just as “being a man” should not be defined by penis size. (For instance, most people are familiar with Jolie’s enhanced curvature in Tomb Raider, but few know that it was her work abroad on that movie that led her to become involved in important humanitarian causes around the world — priorities, people!).

- Speaking of priorities, we as a culture would do well to take breasts off their pedestal, be a little more mature and less ravenous about the accidental nip slip, and not require their gratuitous display in every rated R movie. It might result in women not hating their own boobs so much. It might result in less plastic surgery, especially of the elephantine variety. It might result in more respect for women, which ultimately translates into better pay, more power, and less sexism and violence against women. You know, the little things.

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