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8 Rules for Shooting Naughty Videos with Your Partner

May 29th, 2015

photo via flickr

Thinking of playing a little very candid camera with your other half? Engaging in your own sexual shoot, whether as the star or the director or both, can automatically make things more dramatic and theatrical, even if you end up keeping most of your clothes on or refuse to make any cliched “orgasm faces.” But, without thinking things through, the results can be unflattering, embarrassing, or even publicly humiliating (much more likely results than the empire born out of the butt of Kim Kardashian’s sex tape). So take heed:

  1. Only do it with someone you trust with your life. Or at least someone you have incriminating dirt on so you have something to bargain with should they threaten to release your video to the public.
  2. That said, you probably shouldn’t make a sex “tape” unless you’re okay with it ending up online. You just never know.
  3. You don’t have to look, sound, or act like a porn star or producer to whip out a camera during your next romp in the bedroom. So don’t stress about “dialogue” or dirty talk — just do your thing. The mere fact that you’re recording the act will feel dirty enough.
  4. You don’t have to include your full bodies in the shot. You don’t even have to show anything that dirty. Try a cool angle, like from the head of the bed (but remember, never from below lest you look like beached whales) or a close head-&-shoulders crop: the focus can be on your expressions, your sounds, and the intimacy of the moment. Or shoot everything but your faces.
  5. Along the same lines of less is more, if you have any body parts you’re self conscious about, then by all means use an item of clothing, a blanket, a pillow, dramatic chiaroscuro lighting, or your partner to hide them.
  6. If you’re video camera’s got one, turn on its night-vision feature — it obscures imperfections and creates a funky, sci-fi look. Plus, you can shoot entirely in the dark, which is a tequila-free method of loosening inhibitions.
  7. If your squeaky mattress gives the video a slapstick feel, then cut the sound and replace it with your favorite in-the-mood song. (A million Hollywood directors can’t be wrong.)
  8. To be on the safe side, consider erasing all incriminating evidence immediately afterwards. And no, that doesn’t defeat the purpose: Creating a naughty video together is more about the process than the end result. Plus, if you delete it immediately, there’s no chance that Aunt Mabel will accidentally stumble upon your “art” when she’s nosily scrolling through your camera at the family reunion.

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Dream Interpretation: I Gave a Blowjob to My Two Guy Friends

May 28th, 2015

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

This is kind of a two part dream involving my best friend and a mutual friend  met through my best friend. I’m not gay, however like some men I have had a curiosity but never a desire to act out on anything.

The dream starts off with myself and the mutual friend standing in what i believe is his house near the front door, no words are spoken but there is some laughing coming from both of us, the mood is oddly calm. I look down and he suddenly pulls his penis out and without a second thought I drop to my knees and begin performing oral sex on him, however he stays flaccid. But seems to be enjoying the oral sex.

About thirty seconds into performing on him, I go into the second part of my dream involving my best friend. In the next part I walk into my bedroom and see my best friend lying in my bed sleeping. I walk around to the other side of my bed, crawl in and get up close to him and whisper in his ear asking if he wanted a blowjob. He turns around and reluctantly says yes.

I immediately begin giving him a blowjob and suddenly I hear a noise outside my door, I jump out of bed and crack open the door only enough to see out and see my father walking down the hallway in the opposite direction. I turn to my best friend and tell him not to worry because my dad never comes into my room. I again begin performing oral on my friend and a few seconds later I find myself walking down a street searching for our mutual friend’s house as so we can finish what was started earlier. That’s when the dream ends.

Lauri:  For those who are bi-curious, dreams can be a safe place to explore the experience. So that could be what your dream was providing for you. But, you know me, I love to dig and see if there isn’t more to the dream… because there usually is!

In my research I have found that oral sex in a dream can often be connected to intimate communication in real life. Before this dream, had you and your friend had a deep or intimate discussion that was enjoyable to both of you? He remained flaccid despite the fact he was enjoying what you were doing. This may suggest that, like the calm mood of the dream, the waking life conversation remained calm rather than anyone getting tense or “taking a firm stance,” ahem.

In the second dream you offer oral sex to your best friend. So again, ask yourself if you recently had a meaningful, intimate conversation with him, one that he may have been reluctant to have — just as he was reluctant in the dream. You also woke him up in the dream, which is a huge indication that, in real life, you may have woken him up to some reality or perspective through your conversation.

What you say at the end, “…so we can finish what we started earlier” is very telling. What did you three start that you wish to finish? Was it a meaningful conversation? Was it a great idea? Was it an enjoyable debate? Whatever it is, THAT is what this dream is all about. Do let us know what you now think this dream is connected to. We love to hear the real life juicy details here.

Visit Lauri’s site, WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams each morning, check out her latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert. You can see all of Lauri’s books here. And hey, if you want your very own pin-up painting of you or your luvva (either vintage or modern), Lauri can do that, too! 

 

 

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photo via flickr

Last Chance For FREE Lelo Shipping During the Masturbation Month of May!

May 28th, 2015


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May is international Masturbation Month, and there’s really only one way to celebrate. To help you observe this holiday in style, LELO is offering free shipping for the last few days of May! Find something shiny and new to spruce up your or your honey’s masturbation routine, and then just enter the following code at checkout: OHLELO

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10 Emo Love Songs for Your Inner Angsty Teen

May 28th, 2015


by Caithlin Pena for YourTango

The 90s to the mid-2000′s was an era of pop/punk/alternative rock music. Punk rock bands spoke to the youth through songs about not fitting in, anger and angst, taboo areas like depression and suicide, and of course, romance and heartbreak.

So when Buzzfeed released this list last year, the teenager in me cried from the nostalgia. Even though I didn’t dress in all black or spend my weekends at Hot Topic, I did occasionally enjoy blasting what everyone called “emo” music in my room as I contemplated my place in this world and why my love life sucked.

Scanning my hopeless romantic 16-year-old self’s old music, and asking former “emo kids,” here are 10 memorable emo love songs of the early 2000′s:

 

1. “Only One,” Yellowcard (2003)

“Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you … You are my only one.”

A song that everyone would indeed scream at the top of their lungs, “Only One” is an ideal theme for when your significant other decides you are no longer “the one” for them. You still have feelings for them and feel like you can never love again, so for one last time you want to tell them that they are your only one, in hopes that they’ll return to you.

 

2. “I Miss You,” Blink-182 

“Where are you? And I’m so sorry. I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight.”

You play this on nights when you’re lonely and missing your significant other. How can you sleep without them by your side to chase away the nightmares? Thoughts of them plague you, preventing sweet dreams. Not to mention that they are already the voice inside your head. How on earth can you ever sleep?

 

3. “Grand Theft Autumn (Where Is Your Boy Tonight),” Fall Out Boy (2003)

“Where is your boy tonight? I hope he is a gentleman. And maybe he won’t find out what I know, you were the last good thing about this part of town.”

Ever been totally in love with that one girl who already has a boyfriend who’s such a jerk to her? But she just can’t seem to leave him! This is a song with all the words you want to tell her: she’s special, he doesn’t realize what he has, and you hope that you actually get enough nerve to actually tell her this in person.

 

4. “Bring Me To Life,” Evanescence (2003)

“Wake me up inside … Call my name and save me from the dark.”

The song has a bit of an eerie feel to it, perfect for a night of staring out at the rain from your window, feeling sad and unworthy, and waiting for that person to save you from the darkness you feel inside.

 

5. “Scars,” Papa Roach (2004)

“I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut. My weakness is that I care too much.”

Caring too much is an unfortunate weakness to have. This is relatable because when it comes to love, you do end up caring … a lot. Whether someone broke your heart, you’re plagued by unrequited love, or you’re just so damn angry at your significant other, this is the perfect song to scream to (especially when you get to the “Go fix yourself!” part).

 

6. “Ohio is For Lovers,” Hawthorne Heights (2004)

“And I can’t make it on my own because my heart is in Ohio.”

Long-distance relationships, man. They’re brutal! You want to make it work, but what happens if the other wants to give up? Do you keep fighting or do you let go? Suffice to say, if you’re sad and angry, and want to scream, this is what you play on repeat.

 

7. “Dark Blue,” Jack’s Mannequin (2005)

“Slow down … this night a perfect shade of dark blue, dark blue. Have you ever been alone in a crowded room when I’m here with you?”

Sometimes, couples find their love deteriorating but refuse to acknowledge it. So, it gets worse and worse until they’re both drowning in the relationship. The lesson is, if you feel your love waning, talk about it and try to resolve it. Leaving it alone will only drown you. At least, that’s my interpretation. I just really like this song.

 

8. “MakeDamnSure,” Taking Back Sunday (2006)

“I just wanna break you down so badly. Well, I trip over everything you say. I just wanna break you down so badly, in the worst way.”

Some of us have that one ex who made our life so miserable. They made you so angry, but for some god-awful reason, you were still hopelessly in love with them. You wanted to break them, but one word from them and you gave in. Talk about conflicting emotions. So, again, another song you’d play if you want to yell and scream about it.


 

9. “Thnks fr th Mmrs,” Fall Out Boy (2007)

“One night and one more time, thanks for the memories, even though they weren’t so great.”

Listening to the lyrics now, I realize that this could be about a one-night stand, or at least a fleeting infatuation … until you realize how horrible the other person is. Or, a relationship that wasn’t as good as you thought it would be. Does it matter? They replaced you with someone who “tastes like you, only sweeter.”


 

10. “I’d Hate To Be You When People Find Out What This Song Is About,” Mayday Parade (2007)

“Well, I’m thinking of the worst things that I could say to you. But a promise doesn’t mean a thing anymore, and this never will be right with me.”

Is this the ultimate revenge song for an ex? Maybe yes, maybe no. But I see this more as a “missing-your-ex-but-remember-why-you-broke-up-with-them” song, a reminder that you had a great love, but there were issues. These were issues that the other person could not accept. You deserve better.

 
This article originally appeared on YourTango.

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20 Sexy Poem Quotes to Tattoo On Your Body

May 27th, 2015

Forget angels and butterflies — the latest trend in tattoos is words. Check out Flavorwire’s roundup for the best literary quotes ever tattooed, for some awesome examples. We also love their feature on celebrities with literary tattoos — did you know that both Lena Dunham and Elliott Smith inked Ferdinand the Bull on their arms?

Anyway, we here at EMandLO.com decided that the world needs more sensual literary tattoos. After all, this is your own body we’re talking about. And we’re sure there are plenty of people who get a kind of kinky thrill from the pain of a tattoo. So, to balance out all those “Southern Comfort” tattoos in the crotch region, here are some highbrow sexy words to ink on your body…

 

1. “Whatever happens with us, your body will haunt mine”

– Adrienne Rich

 

2. “this is that taste”

Adrienne Rich

 

3. “lightly and you utterly will become with infinite care the poem which i do not write”

– e.e. cummings

 

4. “Lady, i will touch you with my mind”

e.e. cummings

 

5. “to break is to be sanctified. to find in the body a safehouse where all your monsters get to be raucous”

Marty McConnell

 

6. “The thin red jellies within you or within me, the bones and the marrow in the bones”

– Walt Whitman

 

7. “O I say now these are the soul!”

– Walt Whitman

 

8. “all falls aside but myself and it”

– Walt Whitman

 

9. “please master drive me thy vehicle, body of love drops, sweat fuck body of tenderness”

– Allen Ginsberg

 

10. “in your rhythm thrill-plunge & pull-back-bounce & push down”

Allen Ginsberg

 

11. “Eat me, drink me, love me”

Christina Rossetti

 

12. “Like a vessel at the launch When its last restraint is gone”

Christina Rossetti

13. “Let us roll all our strength and all Our sweetness up into one ball”

Andrew Marvel

 

14. “You are the one I am lit for”

Lucille Clifton

 

15. “Licence my roving hands, and let them go, Before, behind, between, above, below.”

John Donne

 

16. “All fact contact, the attack and the interlock Of tongues, the charms of arms.”

W.H. Auden

 

17. “And when I left you, I was so on fire”

Catullus

 

18. “how they glowed, remember, in the eyes gazing at you; how they trembled in the voice, for you, remember, body”

– Constantine Cavafy

 

19. “Let’s shut up and dance. Let’s shut up and grind and get sore.”

– Krystal Languell

 

20. “You do shots of bourbon, I’ll pretend I’m Nick Cave.”

Krystal Languell

 

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photo via flickr

Your Call: Does a Blowjob Still Count, Even If You “Finish” with Intercourse?

May 27th, 2015


photo via flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE*
Advice Service!

 

I prefer to give head for a while, and then hop on to finish the deed. Is it still considered a blow job if he finishes during intercourse? I guess I’m mostly interested in the male perspective. 

– Breeze Job

What should BJ do? Leave your advice in the comments section below.


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Yes, Guys Fake Orgasms Too — Here’s How to Tell

May 26th, 2015


James Franco proves guys can fake it too, in When Harry Met Harry

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer, quite diversely, the following: Do guys fake orgasms?

Straight Single Guy (Colin): Of course! We probably don’t faux the Big O as much as women do, but every now and then the circumstances might call for us to fake. If our endurance is flagging and she’s begging us to finish, of course we might pull a Sally Albright so we can just go to sleep. Obviously it’s a bit more difficult for us to fake a finish considering the visual evidence that comes with our climax, but if the lights are off (or we’re experienced street performers in sleight of hand) we might try and pull a fast one on you if we have to. It’s not you, it’s us. Unless it happens more than once — then it might be you.

Straight Married Guy (Matt): I haven’t heard many guys talk about faking an orgasm (I can’t think of a single one, actually). Guys do sometimes talk about trying desperately to delay an orgasm with a new girlfriend or someone who really turns them on, but not so much with the faking. I have personally only faked once; it was after a girl I was dating and I had already had sex once, and I think she thought she was doing me a favor by initiating a second round. After we’d been going at it for a while, she told me not to wait for her, as she could only have one orgasm per night and had already had one. After some time, being no closer to getting off, I performed my one and only fake orgasm. I was young then, and didn’t realize it would have been just fine to tell her that, like her, another one for me just wasn’t happening.

Gay Committed Guy (Terence): If guys fake orgasms, then I ‘d love to know how. Did I miss something? Maybe I’m way behind in sexual know-how, but I can’t think of ever having faked an orgasm. I have wanted to orgasm quickly and get the hell outta there, but that’s just wishing for godspeed, not faking it. I don’t know how or why I’d ever fake it. Boys’ orgasms are so…visual and fun! In your face, on your face, inside you, all over you. Woohoo! I’m curious to see what situations your readers come up with involving guys faking orgasms, ’cause I just keep it real, baby.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: May 26th, 2015

May 26th, 2015

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
This week, beware of smooth talkers, smooth criminals, smooth moves, and X-Lax.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Spontaneity will win you friends-with-potential. So will picking up the tab.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You know that person you’ve been thinking about every time you rub one out lately? It’s time to let them know where they lie in your affections. You might want to go with a euphemism, though — try “I can’t stop thinking about you,” and just leave it at that.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
This week, say it with flowers, say it with concert tickets, say it with oral sex, say it with breakfast in bed, say it with a brand-new sex toy, say it playlists curated just with them in mind, say it with more oral sex — say it with anything but words.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You will have a gut feeling about how to spend your fun time this week. Follow it. For example, if you are suddenly consumed by an unexplainable fear that the movie Pitch Perfect 2 won’t even come close to the original, then avoid buying a ticket to it at all costs. If you are overcome with the urge to see how long you can make out with one of the statues at a wax museum before you get thrown out on your perverted ass, run with it!

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Your sex drive is going to be sagging a little this week, but not to worry. It’s not like your partner is going to take it personally or anything. No, just go right ahead and pop off to your Scrabble tournament, stay up all night to re-watch the first season of Breaking Bad, get stumbling drunk with your friends, watch home improvement shows on TV. No, don’t bother explaining yourself. Really. That would be too much like communication, wouldn’t it?

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
We’ll be the first to admit: Dating’s really hard. What other game do you know where every player has their own set of rules (which are constantly in flux and not always obeyed)? However, this week you make it all look easy. Have you considered getting your own talk show?

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Here’s your problem: Those damn expectations — of others, of yourself, of life — get you every time. You want things to be a certain way, indeed believe they should be that way, and end up utterly disappointed when they aren’t. (For example, you want the sex but don’t want to have to ask for it, so you send out signals, which in your book are about as subtle as a Klaxon horn, and then get upset when nobody takes the bait.) Here’s your solution: Try to ride the fine line between having hope and being delusional this week — be Zen about it, use the Force, try yoga.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Your sensitive, emotional nature will make you a candidate for love this week. It will also make you a candidate for president of Chess Club. But watch out for back-stabbing in both electoral races.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Where does a saucy three-way end and a messy love triangle begin? That’s for you to figure out this week.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Sometimes persistence can be annoying. But annoyingly persistent people get what they want more often than polite wallflowers.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
It’s like that old Leiber & Stoller song “Is That All There Is?”: If that’s all there is my friends, then let’s keep dancing. Let’s break out the booze and have a ball, if that’s all there is. Well, that’s all there is for now, so tie one on and seriously get down this week.

 

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Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (Kaitlyn’s First Dates)

May 26th, 2015

via ABC.com

The Bachelor/ette franchise may have finally been completely ruined for us last nigth after Amy Schumer’s guest appearance during one of Kaitlyn’s group dates. That’s how brilliant she was, turning the show into what it really should be, what it was meant to be. Schumer was her usual, inappropriately hilarious self, but it’s a testement to her craft that she was able to refrain from bringing up any “Bachelor” aborshes, no matter how tempting — the comedian can read an audience (or else the censors just kicke in). After mentoring several contestants on penning their own stand-up routines, hosting the group date at the Improv, and realizing after only half a day that she wants to spend the rest of her life with Kaitlyn, Schumer proved that she should be on every episode of “The Bachelorette,” either as the host (sorry, Chris Harrison) or the bachelorette herself, returing every season, again and again. Now we fear the show may truly be unwatchable from here on out — it was just that good:

Oh, who are we kidding? There are still plenty of love lessons to be learned from the mistakes of those who continue to foolishly go on national television to find love. Here are a quick five from last night:

  1. There is no shame in walking away from a fight. In fact, it’s a sign of character to know your own limits, exhibit more reason than machismo, and be an embassador of peace and love. Plus, why would you want to risk getting your nose broken before a date? Dumb as rocks. Just as everyone who voted for Britt should have walked away from this “process,” everyone other than the “200 pound human brick wall” should have walked away from the ring.
  2. There’s a fine line between confidence and cockiness: don’t cross it. (We’re talking to you, JJ.)
  3. If someone’s made it to age 31 without ever having been in love before, there’s a reason for that — and it’s probably not a good one. (A person using the term “love virgin” is grounds enough for walking away.)
  4. When trying to get someone interested in you, don’t complain to them that they’re not showing enough interest in you. Prove you’re worthy of attention; don’t whine that you’re not getting any (Kupah).
  5. As Britt and Katy Perry will tell you, “After a hurricane comes a rainbow. Maybe a reason why all the doors are closed? So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road.” Getting rejected — whether on national television or not — could be the best thing that happens to you.


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