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Our Go-To Comedian for Gay Rights, Women’s Rights & Correct Fisting Technique

February 6th, 2012

We both enjoy playing Texas Hold ‘Em, but of the two of us, I (Lo) enjoy it a little too much. So much so that when I just need a night away from it all, I go to Foxwoods to play the low limit table with a bunch of 65 year old men, half of whom have a drinking problem, the other half of whom have a gambling problem. It’s not as sinful or sexy as Vegas, naturally, but it does the trick.

When I went this past weekend, I had the added delight of catching one of our favorite comedians at the casino’s comedy club: Myq Kaplan. He was a finalist on NBC’s “Last Comic Standing” in 2010, he’s been on all the major late-night shows and Comedy Central, and his latest CD was “one of iTunes’ top ten best-selling comedy albums in 2010” (of course, that’s coming directly from his own website, so who knows — we’re going with it). The great thing about Kaplan is that his brand of comedy satisfies our inner liberal activists and our outer sex writers. And this past weekend’s set did not disappoint: he covered the stupidity of homophobia, the overrated-ness of anal sex, the correct technique for fisting, the inherent gayness of Genesis, sex-related Harry Potter puns, transgender issues, his openness to open relationships, and how the word “sexism” is too sexy for it’s own good. Sex themes + smarts + math jokes = swim fan! The fact that he’s a vegan is just a little liberal cherry on top.

So check him out! He’ll be at the West Bank Cafe’s Laurie Beechman Theater in Time Square this Wednesday at 7pm (see the Comic Diversity show) and you can download his Vegan Mind Meld CD from iTunes or buy it from Amazon.

 • This post is a part of Sundance Channel’s SUNfiltered Blog
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Posted in Celebrities, Pop Culture | No Comments »

Your Valentine Horoscopes: 02-06-12

February 6th, 2012

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
This week your love life is like a box of chocolates. All you have to do is pick one. Just be sure to avoid the ones filled with orange creams — they always suck.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
During a week when it seems like half the population is determined to give the last of their hard-earned pennies to Hallmark and the other half is ready to firebomb the Hallmark headquarters, the sexy few who just think of V-Day as a good excuse to get laid are the heroes. And you, Taurus, you’re our hero. You’re the wind beneath our wings. And for that, the booty gods will look kindly on you this week.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Act like a bimbo/himbo this week. That means no heated debates about the U. N. Security Council, no pontificating about Picasso’s Blue Period, no deep philosophizing about existential angst and who would win a naked mud-wrestling match, Camus or Sartre. Dumb it down, lest your attempts at sounding impressive just come across as depressive. Think light, airy and breezy — kind of like a Summer’s Eve commercial. Don’t ask any tough, probing questions either; just the simple ones written on those heart-shaped, pastel candies: “Will you be my Valentine?” and “Wanna fuck?”

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You’ll be in the mood for love. Hmm, wonder why? Could it be because everyone in the universe is making sickeningly sweet Valentine’s Day plans but you? Maybe it’s because doing it with your left hand is not as authentic-feeling as everyone says. Maybe you’re just bored. . . or depressed. Whatever it is, get a little closer to someone you recently met and find out how they feel about you. This might not solve your love problem, but it’ll at least be a nice distraction.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
This week, you’ll be more commitment-shy than the seventeen-year-old captain of the football team who’s just crashed cheerleader camp. Especially if any romantic interests in your life give you some kind of “by V-Day” ultimatum. Especially if they start to act like the stupid date means something. (Hey, we’re just channeling you Leos here; we happen to think it means a lot of things.) Especially if they think that the arrival of February 14th automatically signifies a step forward in the relationship. And especially if they have red hair. (Hey, don’t shoot the medium. What can we say, this is a weird and mystical science.)

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Someone from your past is likely to try to come back into your life and exploit the sentimental romance of Valentine’s Day. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
This week, shut up for a second and let someone else put their foot in their mouth (or, if you’re kinky like that, their foot in your mouth). You may feel like you’ve got all the right moves, but those moves will look a tad fuh-reaky to a certain someone. So cancel the singing telegram for 2/14, forget about scattering rose petals along the entire thirty blocks your sweetie walks to work — forget anything that screams “I really really need to get laid. Note to underachievers: This does not in any way give you license not to celebrate the holiday with a loved one. It just means you should be a little understated about it. Think a hand-made card instead of a glittery, musical one; think a nice long oral sesh instead of the strap-on.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
The ball is in your court, so it’s your turn to make the next move. Whether that means playing with yourself or playing with someone’s scrotal sac this Valentine’s Day, we couldn’t tell you. But if it were up to us, we’d say go for the Balzac!

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Your week will get progressively better when it comes to love and romance. Duh, because Valentine’s Day is coming. Don’t do nothing. If there is someone who interests you, send them a homemade Valentine’s card.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Someone will confront you in a dark alley this week. They’ll speak to you in hushed tones, back you into a corner, and open one side of their jacket to reveal their heart. It’ll be big and red, maybe made of cardboard with a lace trim. They’ll offer it to you free of charge, no questions asked, just to try to get you hooked. When you hesitate, they’ll try to intimidate you: “All the cool kids are celebrating Valentine’s Day. What are you, a frozen chicken?” If you know you can’t handle it, don’t give into the pressure. Just say no.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Three things can ruin Valentine’s Day: musical greeting cards, forgetting to make a dinner reservation and jealousy.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
We know it’s Valentine’s Day and all, but that’s no excuse for rushing things that aren’t ready to be rushed, and it’s no excuse for coming on all hot and heavy. Commitment-phobes don’t become marriage-ready at the stroke of midnight on February 13th — and if they do, chances are they’ll turn back into a big fat non-committal pumpkin at the stroke of midnight on the fourteenth.

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Posted in Horoscopes | 1 Comment »

Blog Snog: When Your Backup Boyfriend Dumps You

February 3rd, 2012

Yes, we are referencing a 1997 Julia Roberts movie

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Posted in Pop Culture, Websites | No Comments »

5 Better Ways to Express Your Intimacy

February 3rd, 2012

photo via flickr

A recent survey by Pew Internet and the American Life Project found that one in three teens had shared a password (email, Facebook, etc.) with a friend or boyfriend or girlfriend. Apparently sharing your password is the new way to express intimacy, to prove to your partner that you have nothing to hide. Um, hello Facebook hacking! (Aside: Did you know that if you work at Facebook HQ and accidentally leave your FB account logged in when you leave your desk, some jokester colleague will update your status to say that you are pooping? Apparently it’s a company tradition.) Anyway. Maybe teens don’t have any credit card digits to lose just yet, but identify theft (or even just unauthorized identity borrowing) can suck in junior high too. We hope we don’t need to explain what a terrible idea this is.

But just in case we do — and we get it: exchanging letterman jackets and class rings is so last century — here are five better ways to express your intimacy, for the love-struck teen inside us all.

  1. Get tested together for STDs. To clarify: forgoing the condom (before getting tested) doesn’t prove you have nothing to hide — it just makes you look like a dumb-ass.
  2. Put your partner at the top of your speed dial list. You can even give them a special ring-tone.
  3. Tag them in a cheeky status update on Facebook. Or proclaim your love @ them in a Tweet.
  4. Get matching henna tattoos. Because matching permanent tattoos ranks right up there with sharing your password: 99% of you will come to regret it. Can you say “Wino Forever”?
  5. Don’t have anything to hide! Don’t cheat, don’t lie, don’t talk trash behind someone’s back. If you’re honest to the core, you won’t need to prove it, because honesty speaks for itself.

• This post is a part of Sundance Channel’s SUNfiltered Blog
• Get the SUNfiltered RSS feed

 

 

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Posted in Advice, How To | 1 Comment »

Dear Dr. Joe: Can I Use the Backdoor with Hemorrhoids?

February 2nd, 2012

photo via flickr

Every few weeks, Dr. Joe DeOrio, a urologist in Chicago, tackles questions about male sexuality here on EMandLO.com. To ask Dr. Joe your own question, click here.

Dear Dr. Joe,

Is it safe for me to enjoy receiving anal play if I have hemorrhoids?

– Backdoor Bob

Dear B.B.,

I guess the pertinent words here are “safe” and “enjoy.” If your definition of a safe and enjoyable sexual experience involves potential pain and bleeding, then we might be in business.

Okay, okay…maybe I’m exaggerating a bit, so let’s get into it. Surrounding the anal canal are plexuses of veins. In addition to performing the normal function of veins (returning blood to the heart), these plexuses may also contribute to fecal continence. A hemorrhoid is simply an abnormal dilation, or varicosity, of one of these veins. Since there are veins located both within the anal canal and at the level of the anus itself, one can develop both internal and external hemorrhoids.

Internal hemorrhoids are usually painless, and you might not even know that they are there. With irritation, however, they may bleed. Occasionally, they can prolapse, or stick out from the anus. Besides being a little unsightly, prolapsed hemorrhoids may become strangulated and lose their blood supply, which can be painful. External hemorrhoids, on the other hand, are often visible, appearing like a bulge at the anal verge. They are sometimes painful, they frequently itch or cause irritation, and they often bleed.

So what causes these little bundles of joy? Truth is, we don’t really know for sure. Hemorrhoids are associated with chronic constipation, occupations that involve prolonged sitting or standing, pregnancy, obesity, chronic diarrhea, and the abuse of laxatives — in essence, conditions that produce straining or increased intra-abdominal pressure or conditions that cause chronic irritation to the anal canal.

Does anal sex cause hemorrhoids? The jury is still out on that one. Undoubtedly, anal sex can increase anal pressure and cause some spasm. And it can also cause irritation, especially if you don’t use enough lubrication. Despite these facts, however, I suspect that anal sex, properly performed, will not result in hemorrhoids. In the presence of pre-existing hemorrhoids, however, anal sex can certainly irritate, inflame, or disrupt them, which can lead to pain, bleeding, and prolapse.

My recommendation? If you know you have hemorrhoids, treat them properly before attempting anal sex. Oftentimes, hemorrhoids will spontaneously resolve by increasing dietary fiber, maintaining good hydration, and moving about a bit during the workday. If that doesn’t do the trick, see a surgeon. There are a multitude of treatments that he or she can offer.

If you don’t know that you have hemorrhoids, if you are ignoring my advice and attempting anal sex anyway, or if you are just looking to prevent hemorrhoids, follow the common recommendations for healthy anal play: use plenty of lubrication, go slowly, and do not do anything painful. And don’t forget that the risk for acquiring STDs is higher with anal sex, so be safe.

– Dr. Joe

Dr. Joe earned his undergraduate degree in Molecular Biology from Princeton University. After attending the Loyola University Stritch School of Medicine, he completed his residency training in urological surgery at the Los Angeles County Medical Center. He lives and works in Chicago, IL. Keep an eye out for his upcoming blog at docjoe.net.

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Posted in Advice, What's Up Doc? | 1 Comment »

It’s You, Perfected! The Power of Photoshop

February 2nd, 2012

There are many reasons not to read women’s magazines. One of the biggies? All the retouched photos. The genetic mutants we call models and celebrities can beat the shit out your average Jane’s self image, but Photoshop can chop it up with chainsaw. This before and after cover of Red Book from a few years ago thanks to Jezebel.com says it all. In fact, Jezebel has made one of their crusades exposing the evils of Photoshop (here’s their most recent “unveiling”). One of the funniest commentaries on how fucked up Photoshop is when it comes to setting impossible beauty standards is this recent parody of a beauty product commercial by Jesse Rosten on Vimeo: “Just one application of Fotoshop can give you results so dramatic, they’re almost unreal…istic.” One of the coolest — and yet still kind of similarly frightening — advancements in make-fake technology is…

Read the rest of this post on SUNfiltered

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Posted in Pop Culture | No Comments »

Poll: Is Newt’s Romantic Past Relevant to His Run?

February 2nd, 2012

photo via Flickr

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Posted in Confessions, Poll | No Comments »

Comment of the Week: Trust Issues Are As Complicated As String Theory

February 1st, 2012

photo via Flickr

In response to the “Your Call” about whether the stepfather whose stepdaughter told him in confidence that she was sexually active had an obligation to his wife to let her know, regular EMandLO.com commenter and Wise Guy Figleaf offered up some advice that confirms he’s one of the most thoughtful, reasonable and helpful people around these here parts. (Btw, Ape’s answer the day before Figleaf’s was spot-on, in our opinion, but Figleaf’s just took it that extra mile to secure the “comment of the week” spot):

While every former-peer-counselor and privacy-respecting bone in my body says don’t share something you’ve been told in confidence, and while I agree strongly with Ape that if you’re her parent and you’re parenting in good faith that should be sufficient, the problem is that you’re not just a parent, you’re a partner.

If your partner views you withholding that information as a relationship deal-breaker then you face the loss not only of contact with your partner but also of contact with her daughter, given that it’s almost inconceivable that she wouldn’t follow her mother should her mother leave you.

I don’t and probably can’t know your family’s details — how long you’ve been a parent to your step-daughter, how “proprietary” your partner is about her, what your partner’s relationship with her daughter is, etc.  So there could be exceptional circumstances here…

But here’s what I’m going to strongly recommend.

First, urge your step-daughter to tell her mom.  Offer to be supportive.  Offer to “war-game” it with her.  Offer your perspective on your partner’s likely reaction.  Determine if she feels she has real cause for fear or if she’s just working on ordinary teen embarrassment.  I mean think about it, if your partner’s got any kind of perspective at all then she, like a lot of “blustery” parents, is unlikely to flip out, send her daughter to a convent, and so on because she’s become sexual.

Second, if the first thing just isn’t going to go, then it’s time to have a conversation with your partner about her and your boundaries about her daughter.  See if you can get a realistic assessment of her level of trust in you.  Because as Ape says she really might be fine with your authentic parenting decision.  On the other hand, if she’s not then it’s going to be a hard choice, and you might have to work very hard on the in-family diplomacy, but you really do have an obligation to let your partner know.

One last thing.  There’s a phenomenon in a lot of families where one parent or the other will be dominating to the point that his or her partner becomes effectively a co-sibling or other kind of ally with the children.  One consequence of that dynamic is that it becomes extremely easy to share secrets and otherwise sort of passive/aggressively undermine the other parent’s authority.  Considerable evidence (including direct observation on my part) suggests this almost never turns out well in the end.  It’s tempting, it’s easy, but it’s also dangerous and lazy.  I’ve already said I don’t know your family dynamics so I’m not accusing you of participating in this dynamic at all.  But!  If you feel that might be happening (and you don’t always notice at first) then there’s a responsibility to one’s partner, one’s self, and most importantly one’s family to “man up,” or “woman up” and re-open those closed power/communication channels.  Again, the alternative is that things generally don’t end well.

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Posted in Comment of the Week, Confessions | No Comments »

The Ten Worst Things You Can Say in Bed

February 1st, 2012

photo via flickr

If we had to distill our entire body of sex advice into one word, it would probably be this: communicate. Before sex, during sex, after sex — speak up, people! It’s the only way to get what you need and want, and to make sure that your partner is getting what they need and want, too. But this doesn’t mean that all talk is good. Below is a list of the ten worst things to say during sex, a.k.a. how to kill a good buzz in one sentence or less.

  1. “Who sings this song?” … We’re big fans of a soundtrack for sex, but the music should be ambiance only. Sure, everyone’s mind wanders during at times, but try to hold that thought and Google the song later. Same goes for singing along to a song during sex — just don’t.
  2. “What?” … There’s nothing worse than whispering a sordid dirty nothing in your partner’s ear and having them say “What was that?” Some things just don’t bear repeating. Of course, it’s kind of an awkward moment when you know your partner just said something, and you have no idea if it was “Do you know how hot you make me?” or “Can I put this in your butt?” Try something a little more subtle than “Huh?” though, such as, “Say that again” in your huskiest voice.
  3. “My ex did this awesome thing with my nipples–” … It’s okay to ask your partner to do something awesome that your ex once did. Just try and be a bit subtle about it. No names, genius. And no instructions so bossy and precise that it’s clear you’re trying to replicate a moment. Guide your partner there gently.
  4. “No, not like that!” … Speaking of: When you’re directing your partner, speak in positives unless something really hurts or your partner just doesn’t get it. Tell them, specifically, what to do, rather than what not to do. Enthuse loudly when they get it right and guide them with your hands and body when they don’t.
  5. “Deeper!” … Ladies, we hope we don’t need to explain why this is a terrible thing to say in bed. Say harder, say faster, say more, say fuck me…say anything else.
  6. “Is that pee?” … Unless you’re both so drunk that you can’t see straight, chances are the lady ejaculated.
  7. “This never happens”or “Huh, that usually works.” … Whether you’re a man with a flagging erection or a woman who’s not climaxing in her usual way, try not to imply that your partner — being the only variable in the equation — is the problem. You may not mean this, but they’ll probably hear it that way.
  8. “Ew.” … Bodies are gross. They’re hairy, they get zits, they make impolite noises and smells — and we’re just talking about the ladies! This is a fact of life for all humans, except perhaps for those genetic freaks who can make a living as professional models — and even they are airbrushed! When you and another person get naked together, loosen up, start sweating, and do it like they do it on the Discovery Channel, you might see, hear, and smell some uncivilized things. Don’t make a big deal about it. Don’t point and laugh. And if you’re the culprit, don’t do a Dutch oven.
  9. “I don’t mind.” … This is a terrible answer to the question, “What do you want to do tonight?” — at least in the early stages of dating — and it’s always a terrible answer to the question, “What do you want me to do to you?” Have an opinion, have a suggestion, or at least have an adjective at the ready (hard, fast, gentle, naughty, whatever).
  10. “Did you come?” … If you have to ask…

 

This article also appeared on EdenFantasys.com

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Posted in Advice, How To | 5 Comments »

Wise Guys: What Would You Do As a Woman for One Day?

January 31st, 2012

photo via Flickr

dvice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: “What would you do if you had one day to be and think like a woman?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

wiseguy_benStraight Married Guy (Ben): The very first thing I’d do is make out with my wife —  so hot when she kisses other women. And really, I hate to be so cliche, but I’m probably like 9 out of 10 guys in that, with just one day as a woman, I’d prolly focus in on the physical experience of being a woman. In other words, lots of sex — lots of it with my wife and lots of it with whatever guys I could find (don’t worry, all okayed by my wife should this ever occur, as long as I play safe, she says). I’d probably have to leave the house at some point for more supplies (food, condoms, men, etc.) and I imagine it’d be at that point that I’d find out all about things like objectification, sexism and just how terrible men are as a class. This, I figure would be completely overwhelming and depressing. So I’d beat a quick retreat home and back into bed.

anonymous_suitStraight Single Guy (Max): Obviously, the first thing I would do is try to have an orgasm. Or rather, orgasms. As many as possible. As a man, I’ve always been a bit jealous and very curious about the possibilities of multiple orgasms, and given this opportunity, I would go for it. After that? I’d probably go out and try to get some nice young man to buy me a whole lot of drinks, a fancy dinner, and maybe torture him a bit before I went home, alone, and pursued even more orgasms. Because hey: I’m still a straight guy, even if I’m in a woman’s body. I assume that I would retain my sexual orientation within such a magical transformation, and thus would not want to take a dude home. I’d feel bad about it, and I certainly don’t encourage women to take this route, but experimenting with men as a woman… well, it gets confusing.

Gay Single Guy (Daniel): I have often wondered what the difference is between straight women and gay men when it comes to how they think and feel about men in general. My suspicion is that it’s probably very similar. Even more interesting to me is how women approach sex with a man. Having enough male privilege, I could say that I’d fearlessly go after the kind of straight man I could never have as a gay man. But since I’ve never really experienced a fear of sexual violence towards me, that aspect would surely add another layer of complication/fascination to pursuing said straight man. Oh, and while I was at it, I’d definitely masturbate a lot so I could experience the most ecstatic multiple orgasm ever.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Married Guy is Ben, a writer and artist living in Los Angeles who runs AdultParlorGames.com; our Gay Guy is is one-time stripper and sex columnist Daniel; and our Single Straight Guy, Max, is a recent college grad in New York City. To ask the guys your own question, click here.

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Posted in Advice, Wise Guys | 9 Comments »

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