A Holiday Gift Guide for Broke Perverts

kiki_mints0003Kiki de Montparnasse Before and After Mints, $5

If you read our guide to sex-toy gift-giving etiquette last week, then you know it’s best to go for nicely designed, higher-end prod. Of course, in this economy, who can afford a $175 Swarovski-crystal-encrusted vibrator with a pink feather tail on a silver stand? But that doesn’t mean you can’t find an affordably lewd and luxurious present for the fellow-perv in your life. Here are a bunch of cheap(ish) gift ideas in 10 categories — all are as classy as sex toys can be, and each is under 50 bucks:

  1. Jimmy Jane may be a leader in high-end design and beautiful packaging, but they have a bunch of stylish gifts under $50 (some way under $50), including ceramic massage stones, their classy take on the Spin-the-Bottle game, massage candles with body brushes, the Iconic Bullet Vibrator, the Iconic Duckie Vibrator, the Iconic Smoothie Vibrator, and the travel-sized Indulgences Kit, which comes with a feather tickler, a waterproof mini vibe, lube, condoms, and a “Love Decoder” (a naughtier version of an old playground game).
  2. Even though Coco de Mer carries the likes of the crystal and feather Minx mentioned above (not to mention the 18K gold Lelo Inez which clocks in at an obscene $10,500!), they’ve got some affordable, beautifully packaged stuff on their Gifts for Men / Gifts for Women pages, including a ginger and date massage candle ($48), vintage Playboys ($25), Coco de Mer Milk Bath ($25), In Fiore Decollete Balm ($50), Ruby Sunrise Lubricant for her and Gentleman’s Relish Lubricant (both $27), a cheeky spanking ruler with the text “Teach me a lesson” ($13), the book “Twenty Love Poems by Pablo Neruda” ($13), and, our favorite, the “You Are My Pork Chop” card ($3).
  3. Tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la Lelo! Regular readers of this site will know that we’re huge fans of all things Lelo, the fabu Swedish sex toy designers. Treat the uninhibited man in your life to the unfortunately named Bob butt toy ($44), or the G-spot fanatic lady to the curved Ella dildo ($44). There are also the Luna Beads ($47), though considering they’re for increasing the elasticity of your vadge, this might be the kind of gift better given by a close friend who’s also just had a baby rather than by the husband of said new mom, ya know what we’re sayin?
  4. Now what kind of holiday season would it be without a sex toy from Fun Factory? Another one of our favorite toy manufacturers, these guys are from Germany (but don’t let that put you off). Their Laya vibrator (in assorted colors) is an absolute classic-in-the-making, and their Little Dolly vibe is ridiculously cute ($48) — just make sure the gift receiver is down with friendly dolphin faces on their G-spot toys first. For something less cutesy and less G-spot-centric, try the Angelo vibe instead (also $48). Fun Factory toys come in sophisticated boxes with handy instructions for use, care and cleaning, which is always nice for newbies.
  5. If the special someone in your life has all the toys they need, but no place to store them, then check out the Devine collection, with satchels and lingerie envelopes and condom carrying cases, oh my! Oh so stylish — and each are under 50 bucks! GoodVibes sells a red crocodile satchel for $46, though you’ll find a bunch more choices at DevineToys.com.
  6. For the eco-activist in your life, GoodVibes just launched their Eco-Rotic Green Sex Toy collection, featuring lube, massage boys, rechargeable toys, bath balls, and more. If you’re looking for something green and saucy that your sweetheart can actually unwrap in front of her parents (or at least her siblings), then think about cute organic intimates from places like Nimli, e.g. their organic wing briefs for $28.
  7. About the classiest thing (and the cheapest, at least in terms of currency) that you’ll find at Agent Provocatuer is their brand of bubble bath ($45). It’ll probably make you feel dirty…which could be a good thing.
  8. Almost all the products in the “Body” and “Intimate” collections in the “Bath & Body” department at the fancy N.Y.-based Kiki de Montparnasse online store are miraculously $50 or less, like their body creme, oil, shimmer, and “love potion.” They’ve even got a gorgeous travel gift kit for $40!
  9. Just in Case make cute condom compacts. Their classic conversations gift pack ($29.95) comes with a stylish red case (it opens to a mirror, with a hidden compartment for condoms), condoms, and a pack of cards “designed to incite respectful conversations about sex and sexual health” (we’re going to be nice and not make fun of the fact that they’re called “Sexversation cards”). Perfect for a younger sibling, niece or nephew. And last but not least…
  10. The perfect book for that recently deflowered 20-year-old, those dear old friends who just started taking dancing lessons to spice up their marriage, or your own girlfriend/boyfriend: the golden, hard-covered “SEX: How to Do Everything.” With all those naughty but nice pictures and good advice, it’ll help keep whomever you give it to warm on these cold winter nights, if we do say so ourselves.