Can You Sleep Over If You Just Want to Cuddle on an Early Date?

 photo via flickr

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week a straight woman asks, “What do you guys think of a new date who wants to sleep over but doesn’t want to have sex?”

Straight Single Guy (Max): Personally, I say bravo. The longer you make me work for it, the better everything will be. This applies to both the sex and any possible relationship. Girls, who so often seem only interested in those who aren’t available or interested, should know this. If you really like a guy, make him work for intercourse. Make him get creative. If he can’t take it, then ditch the dude. It shouldn’t be just about “sex right now.” As a great man once said, “The best part of the affair is the walk up the stairs.” Too many times I’ve gone all the way with a girl and then immediately lost interest. This is, believe it or not, frustrating for guys too. Mystery is good. So please, come on over and tease me. Don’t be cold, and please let me try to pleasure you in other ways, but always feel free to say “wait.”

Gay Committed Guy (Mark): I once dated a guy who had recently broken up with someone, and we were ostensibly cool with sleepovers — kissing, with shirts off, but the boxers stayed on. I wanted more; he wasn’t ready; we split after a month. But whatever the gender(s), and assuming one person isn’t sleeping on the couch, there’s so much gray area between snuggling in jammies and fucking — yes, the ever-elusive definition of “sex” — that it’s only fair for you and your “date” to be totally up front with each other about boundaries and expectations before hopping into bed. Let’s face it, though: most guys are going to try to push that boundary sooner or later (usually sooner — I did, and I tend to be too scared of rejection ever to make a move).

However, if by “new date” you mean some theoretical dude you meet at a party some night, do yourself a favor and splurge on a cab home (your own, alone), then worry about who calls whom in the next couple of days.

Straight Married Guy (Ben): This was basically my third date with my wife. She invited me to her birthday party so all her friends could check me out. I made nice with everyone and as the party started breaking up, I kept hanging around, waiting for some “alone time.” But, when that time came, she … just … really wanted to sleep. Barely let me kiss her, if I remember right. Which was fine — we had such a good time dancing and hanging out that I actually didn’t mind. That is, until the next morning when I was awakened at some ungodly early hour by her ex-boyfriend (who’d passed out early in another room). He proceeded to interrogate me about, I kid you not, my “intentions.” My guess is that if we actually had done it that night, the ex would have quickly moved on to some of those “enhanced” techniques that make Dick Cheney a war criminal. So, it seems, her not sleeping with me actually saved my life.


Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. To ask the guys your own question, click here.


  1. I agree more with CBS’s take – be up front about your boundaries, be considerate, and go from there.

    I have more than had my fill of drama and emotional games.

  2. Dear Single Straight Guy,

    Good luck with that healthy long-term relationship. Make me beg, give me what I ask for and I’ll lose interest. No wonder so many women think guys are assholes.

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