Joan Rivers died yesterday at the age of eighty-one, and we can’t be the only ones to be relieved that she died due to complications following throat surgery — and not, say, while getting another face lift. Because we want to remember her not for her plastic face (she liked to joke that when she died, they’d donate her body to Tupperware) but for the groundbreaking, glass ceiling-smashing comedian that she was. Some people might call her ballsy, but we prefer to say: The woman had labes. She once joked, “At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.” Meryl, ya hear that? We really think you should show up.
Without further ado, here are our top ten favorite Joan Rivers quotes about sex and love. (If some of your favorites are missing, it’s because we excluded her most self-deprecating jokes, especially the ones she made later in life, about her own body and her lack of sex appeal.)
1. A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
2. It was a Jewish porno film… one minute of sex and nine minutes of guilt.
3. My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it’s missing, and what’s there stinks.
4. All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and the woman on the bottom. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
5. It’s so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up who.
6. Never floss with a stranger.
7. Half of all marriages end in divorce — and then there are the really unhappy ones.
8. Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say “My wife makes a delicious cake” to some hooker?
9. My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
10. Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
