Top 5 Love Lessons from The Bachelorette (The Breakup Edition)

Ouch. We find Des to be a bit of a matzah bachelorette (flat and bland), but even we felt really, really bad for her last night. Getting dumped is hard, but it’s at least twenty-five times harder when it’s televised nationally. And what are the odds: you’ve got 25 potential suitors and you fall for the one that just isn’t into you?  Did Des used to kick puppies when she was little, because the universe does not want her to find romantic happiness. Well, maybe we can learn from her misfortune and Brook’s missteps, so it’s not all for naught:

  1. When dumping someone, be as clear as possible as quickly as possible. Sure, it may be difficult for you to spit it out, but making the dumpee wait and wait and wait for the knife is psychological torture (especially when they know it’s coming, but they’re still hoping this could just be your weird way of confessing your undying love).
  2. When you want to breakup with someone, do it outside in bright daylight — when you squint against the sun’s rays it will automatically give your face the appropriate look of pain and despair.
  3. It’s good to be honest, but not brutally so. Thus, when breaking up with someone, play up all their good qualities and play down the things they lack. They do NOT need to hear all about  how they are not the big love of your life and that you don’t miss them at all when they’re not around. That’s just salt on the wound, dude.
  4. If the person you’re dumping gets up and walks away, great! But if they’re lingering, looking for hugs, retreading the same territory, then you’ve got to be the one to say goodbye and leave, otherwise they’ll just keep clinging to that measly string of dental floss hope that their sadness (and how hot they look while crying) will eventually make you change your mind.
  5. Do not — repeat, DO NOT — ask, “Why are you crying?” Jeeeeezus.