Top 5 Love Lessons from the Season Premiere of “The Bachelorette”

It’s baaaaaaaack. The premiere of season 12 of ABC’s The Bachelorette found (the boobs of) Joelle “JoJo” Fletcher bouncing back from being very ceremoniously dumped on national television by milquetoast cousin of Miss Piggy, Ben Higgins, on the last season of The Bachelor.  So we’re back to  relieve you of some of the guilt you surely have (like we do!) for compulsively watching this trash by helping you glean some important life and love lessons from the follies and foibles of the overly ripped and waxed desperados currently embedded at The Bachelor/ette’s now-infamous, hosed-down, Malibu mansion:

jojo-unicorn1. The best way to mend a broken heart is to break a few other ones. Okay, that didn’t come out quite right. While JoJo certainly will spread the particular pain she recently experienced herself (like it’s some STD unique to Bachelor Nation), by falling in love with more than one person (what Ben was so harshly criticized for himself, even by JoJo, though she admits to doing the same herself on this new season), still it is important after a breakup to get right back on that horse (or unicorn, as the case may be). It doesn’t have to be anything serious — you could simply upend your life, become a national spectacle, date 26 guys, pick one to marry, and then break up a few months later — but casually dating, after a brief period of mourning, can get you off the couch, back out in the world, taking your mind off your heartache, at least just a smidge.

jojo-boobs2. After a breakup, get a makeover, just not a porn star makeover. Traditionally, the Bachelorette, having come off a fresh breakup from the previous season of The Bachelor, gets some highlights, maybe a new cut, a personal trainer, and a new wardrobe. We can’t all live the glam life of a reality television star in L.A. whenever we get dumped, but we can indulge in a little retail therapy, a gym membership and a mall makeover, just as a shot of adrenaline to our wounded self-esteem. But let’s not go crazy, shall we? There’s a fine line between looking good for yourself and looking like you’re at the AVN Awards in Vegas. JoJo’s stylist has flagrantly crossed that line with countless low-cut metallic, sequined, and/or bedazzled “gowns” that make the show less a contest of winning one woman’s heart and more a contest of who can maintain eye contact the longest without being distracted by her hypnotizing décolletage.

jojo-kilt3. Don’t be a homophobic, xenophobic, aggro douchebag on a first date (or ever). We usually don’t go in for the greeting gimmicks — a giant heart pillow, a pair of blue balls she can squeeze when she’s feeling stressed, a polyester Santa suit complete with beard worn for far too long (ugh) — but we’ve got to give it up for Jonathan, the half-Chinese, half-Scottish man who showed up in a kilt (worn properly, sans underwear). It was actually a really nice suit, referencing his heritage, and he looked good in it. That took balls — freedom-loving, air-tickled, commando balls — to pull off. And he’s no dummy: when Jordan got the first impression rose, Jonathan reassured the other guys, explaining “Olivia [from Ben’s season] got the first impression rose and she got left on an island.” See? Smart and well-versed in Bachelor plot lines — this guy was a keeper! (Especially since he’s one of the few contestants who actually has a legit job, unlike “Hipster” and “Super Fan.”)
        But no. Jonathan wore a Scottish skirt, which is apparently so antithetical to heterosexuality and American patriotism, that he was harshly criticized by several of the knuckle draggers who are wider than they are tall — criticism legitimized by JoJo when she refused to give him a rose. He didn’t even earn the one free pass usually awarded the minority contestants!  What a shame.

brownshoes4. Guys, wear light brown dress shoes with wacky socks. Apparently, it’s on-trend right now. The undercut, on the other hand? That could be the reason why Drumpf is winning and our country is falling apart. Proceed with caution.

5. Flip the script. Perhaps the best part of the entire evening didn’t even happen on the show! We usually bee-boop through the commercials, but were compelled to stop on a beautifully shot scene of a hetero couple in a Chinese restaurant. The server brings a fortune cookie to the guy, who opens it to find a message specifically addressed to him: “ANDY I WANT TO ASK YOU SOMETHING.” Rather than pick up on the hint, he starts freaking out about some potential creepy stalker scenario. Sensing her best laid plans going down the toilet, she just gets down on one knee and presents him with a ring.
        While it didn’t go as she would have liked, this is not a cautionary tale against bucking tradition; no, it’s a celebration of female empowerment and agency, of busting out-dated taboos and flipping the script. Sure, there will be a few growing pains to go through (which is why you apparently need the stress-resistant deodorant being advertised), but it’s worth it.
        We loved the placement of this ad smack-dab in the middle of a show that pretends to be groundbreaking (hey, look at a woman with a harem of men for once!) but actually trades in old-fashioned notions of love and romance based on fairy tales with princesses. In the history of The Bachelorette, not one woman has ever proposed to a guy at the end, despite the fact that she ostensibly chooses him! Why not go that extra step in making the proposal herself, after she has been handing out the roses all along? Roses, rings — what’s the diff! Bullshit, stereotypical gender roles poured in concrete, that’s the diff.
        Thank you, Secret, for showing legions of Bachelor/ette fans how it is possible to take your destiny into your own hands.

Got a guy who’s reluctant to watch the Batch with you? Send him this:
How to Watch the Bachelor with Your Wife or Girlfriend