Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Can a woman ever get her man to quit porn?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.
Straight Engaged Guy (Mark Luczak): There are probably a lot of eventual branches to this question, depending on the reasoning behind her wanting him to ditch the porn in the first place. To generalize a few: she perceives it as a flavor of cheating, she thinks porn itself is simply dirty or immoral, or she just wants him all to herself!
But if we assume that porn is basically just a tool for self-satisfaction, and if we allow that self-pleasure is pretty much healthy when practiced with a method and frequency not actively destructive to the relationship, or one’s overall life responsibilities and priorities, then to ask him to unequivocally give it up might be treading into dealbreaker territory more than necessary, as would anything, sex-related or not, that either party would likewise desire that the other quit completely. Similarly though, if this one particular issue really does means that much to her, perhaps it’s something he could indeed concede, in the interest of the fulfilling entirety of the relationship.
Gay Single Guy (Daniel): Honestly, I don’t think so. Unless it is an addiction, as in, he spends more on buying porn than, say, rent — then yes, perhaps. But I think attempting to do so really requires asking yourself why you are demanding he give up porn? Is it affecting your sex life in a detrimental manner? Is there insecurity at the center of such a demand? Porn is mostly — if not entirely — about fantasy, and thus, a woman, I think, should want to engage with her man about what kind of porn is he into, and what it is about the porn he watches that is so compelling. You never know how that can improve their own sex life and relationship as a whole.
Straight Committed Guy (Johnny): No, a woman can’t ever get her man to quit porn. She can get him to hide it. She can get him to lie about it. All this subterfuge will naturally reduce the amount of porn he watches. But quit? Not happening. Porn was there before you. Porn plus my right hand is my oldest and truest lover. It’s been there for me through dry spells. It’s been there for me through heartbreak. It’s encouraged me to stay home and whack off when faced with real, actual temptation from another woman. Don’t pick a fight with porn. It’s a losing battle for everyone involved.
If you feel you must address your man’s porn, here is what you may reasonably ask:
- Don’t look at porn on my computer.
- Clear your browser history.
- Don’t do it if we’ll meet up later — it leaves you drained.
To gentlemen readers who get hit with the ol’ porn ultimatum: you should offer to make the above concessions. But not a bit more. Never lie about it. Never get dragged into a fight about it. Your ass is covered by these concessions. If that’s not good enough for her, find a new woman. Never stay with a partner who tries to emotionally bully you about something which, after all, is really none of her business anyway.
Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors. This week’s Gay Guy is one-time stripper and sex columnist Daniel; our Straight Engaged Guy is Mark Luczak, a tech geek at Carnegie Mellon University; and our Straight Committed Guy is regular EMandLO.com commenter, Johnny. To ask the guys your own question, click here.
