We feel just awful that we can’t answer every single advice question we get, but we figure that any answer is better than no answer at all. Which is why, once a week, we’ll let you guys decide how to advise a reader. Make your call by filling out the poll after the jump:
Dear Em & Lo,
I am currently seeing someone from my high school years of more than 25 years ago. He is currently married, I am divorced, and I happened to call him about a problem with my mom’s car. We live in different states so when he heard my voice on the phone, he immediately said how much he loved me in high school but never told me so. After we resolved the car issue for my mom, he asked if he could call me sometime. Well, we have not stopped talking. Since I started talking to him 5 months ago, he has sent for me to meet him in Mississippi 2 times and we are now both in love. He said he and his wife have been having problems for more that 20 years but have not resolved the marriage and neither wants to save the marriage because they do not have what it takes to stay together. He says he never wants to let me go. How should I go about the time frame to give him to make the move to file for a divorce?
— The Other Woman
Can’t see the poll? Click here to take it.
Married men rarely divorce their wives and go start a life with the mistress they’ve had an affair with. You are setting yourself up for lies, lies, lies, and be lonely and know that he is home with his wife (and kids) instead of you. I don’t like name calling, but jeez, I hate ******* cheaters!
Elizabeth says it all
How can you respect a person who cheats on their long term relationship? And then want to be with them?
Well i am in the same boat.i am in love with a married man and i have known him a very long time.they have no kids.but i do.so he says they have bills they have to get caught up.well they still in the same house together.well if they dont love each other then some body move out.
To The Other Woma – I don’t think of the other woman in a cheating situation as a villan… but I do think she is doing something wrong. I believe that every single person is responsible for not willfully hurting anyone else, and if you are screwing a married man – you are (in all likelihood) hurting his wife, full well knowing you are doing so. And IMHO, that is a terrible thing to do. If you want “maintenence sex”, as you called it… find a booty call who doesn’t have a wife to go home to. Not exactly that difficult a dilemma. There is no possible way you could justify those kinds of actions to me.
On top of that, my description of the lovesick other woman was not describing a woman like you – who is using the man just as much as he’s using her. I’m talking about the woman who wants him to leave his wife for her… I’m not saying that lovesick is a perjorative… I’m sure most women have felt that way over a guy – taken or not. And honestly, I do believe that women who fall in love with taken men, hook up and then believe a bunch of lies about how he’s going to eventually be with JUST her does mean she has low self esteem. I could be wrong, but every woman I’ve seen this happen to fits the bill. Again, if you’re using a married man as a booty call or what have you – then this doesn’t fit you… I was talking about a certain kind of “other woman”… and the person who wrote this letter certainly sounded like her.
Twenty years is a bit too long to take, realistically. If this guy has been having “problems” for that long, and hasn’t found “Miss Right” yet, it ain’t you, babe. He’s seeing an easy mark.
If he doesn’t possess the means to leave his wife after all that time and pay the price of a divorce, you don’t want him.
If he doesn’t have the desire to leave his wife after all that time, you don’t need him.
If he doesn’t possess the decisiveness to leave his wife after all those “problem years,’ you don’t need him.
He’s merely on the prowl.
I am in a relationship currently described above. He promised he would be divorced by now & he is still married. I moved cross country to be with him in a house, he supposedly bought for me. I have been waiting for him for 3 years now. We are living apart now, in the same town, trying to see if we can resolve all the drama that has gone on for the past 5 months. I have learned a valuable lesson in life; Do not live or run your life based on what another does or doesn’t do. He claims he is still getting divorced, but needs to fix & sort all his problems by himself for now. Time will tell, if he has lied to me. Now, I must get back on my feet & support my Son & make a new life.
I was the other woman at one point in my life. It’s hard to let go. Easier said than done. Good luck.
I’d wait for him to make the divorce final before moving onto a married man.
Why does the “other woman” have to be lovesick with low self esteem. She might just want a “maintenance man”. Someone to enjoy and send home without all the drama. The “other woman” is not the villain!!! Two adults making adult decisions. Is monogamy really all that – evidently not since cheating has been around since the beginning of time.
I have the nagging feeling she didn’t mention that this guy has kids. An omission like this wouldn’t surprise me, in light of the fact that so many letters start off with, “My boyfriend is completely perfect, except for this one huge detail”. Sometimes it’s hard to dismantle the illusion.
“I happened to call him about a problem with my mom’s car.”
Am I missing something here?
My father was a cheater, and he did this with numerous women over the years, telling them he was going to leave my mom, that it was over and had been for sometime. Then, when the other woman started to get too serious, or the relationship lost it’s excitement, he’d tell them that he had to stay with his wife because of the children, that they should end it and he’d suffer on alone. I know all of this because I hacked into his email account and showed my mom. Over ten years of affairs saved on his account. Then, when my mom divorced him (after 30 years of marriage), he dumped the woman he was seeing and married someone else. I’m not saying your guy is like my dad, but there are a lot of similarities between what they’ve said. You need to look out for yourself in this, tell him you can’t see him or talk to him until he’s filed for divorce and they’re living separately. Then don’t hold your breath, start seeing other people! Other people who aren’t married! Even if it’s not serious, it’ll help you not cave and call him again. Good luck to you.
Like Nick said… isn’t that what basically every low-down cheating man says to every lovesick, low self esteem Other Woman he wants to have a little fun with – while keeping whatever semblence of stability that his wife gives him?
And on top of that… put yourself in her situation. If you were with a man you didn’t love and for whatever reason, couldn’t figure out how to get away from… and then he starts boinking his high school long lost love, at the very least, wouldn’t you be completely humiliated? Do you really want to do that to another woman.
And finally – all he’s doing is proving to you how he treats the woman he’s with. Do you want to be the woman he’s with next, and boinking that hot waitress behind your back, while he tells her that you two aren’t in love and he wants to leave you? I’m pretty sure being the Other Woman works out the way she wants about 2% of the time. So if you think your odds are that good… then go for it.
it sounds like the cheeters most common lie.
he is saying he wants a divorce, is not going to get a divorce.
he claims to be having problems and wants divorce so that you will be willing to sleep with him.
he probably loves his wife but for some reason can’t stop sleeping around.
Considering these two aren’t kids…if they are going to do something about it…if it is serious…They best get on with it.