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Archive | 2009

From the Nothing’s-Sacred Department: Shocker Gloves

December 18, 2009


shocker_glovesOn the one hand (heh, heh), these types of gloves could be seen as putting female sexual pleasure first (this move only works on women for obvious reasons) since men don’t really get any focused stimulation while delivering said move — it’s pretty anti-phallocentric, which is nice for a change. On the other hand, let’s come down to Earth: It’s a sexual gimmick attempted in order to gain bragging rights about what dudes can “get away with” in bed. It’s making sex a crude, immature joke (not that some of the best sex can’t be crude and/or immature). Who is the target market for these gloves besides 15-year-old skate rats and snowboarders¬†who have very little knowledge or understanding of female pleasure? That can’t be a strong business model. Of course, suckers like us help promote them with posts like this. However, it would be our strong recommendation to avoid pursuing anything amorous or romantic with anyone caught wearing these. They might as well be wearing a t-shirt that says “I’ll subject you to dutch ovens when we’re in bed, too.”

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What’s Your Favorite Music to Screw to?

December 17, 2009


record_player_vinyl_musicphoto by Orin Zebest

Our Top 100 Breakup Songs post continues to be such a favorite on our site that we decided to call on you for more musical suggestions: This time your favorite songs and/or albums to have sex to. Leave your suggestions in the comments section below, and be sure to tell us what kind of sex the song is good for — slow, teary, face-holding love-making? Quickie sex? Ex sex? One-night stand sex? Kinky sex? Etc. We’ll compile and publish our favorites in the new year. Happy screwing!

Books: Putting the Naughty Bits Back in Fairy Tales

December 17, 2009


fairy_tale_princess_peaphoto via Foxtongue

Did you know that fairy tales used to be pretty X-rated? But then the Brothers Grimm et al deleted all the dirty parts — the party poopers! — to make them more family-friendly. Not unlike Anne Rice’s late ’80′s Sleeping Beauty trilogy,¬† the new book In Sleeping Beauty’s Bed: Erotic Fairy Tales retells 15 stories with all the missing naughty bits filled in by author Mitzi Szereto’s imagination (and yes, Cinderella is about foot fetishism, natch). Each of the tales is prefaced with an introduction detailing its history and the sexual culture in which it was first written. (Now we just want to know which scholar is going to take it upon him- or herself to dig up the dirty originals…) It’s the perfect holiday gift for someone who’s been naughty and nice this year. Here’s an excerpt from Szereto’s retelling of “The Turnip” tale — we guarantee you’ll never look at this root vegetable in the same way again…

Farming was hard and, indeed, hungry work, and the aspiring farmer liked to chew a few of the seeds as he hoed and sowed, since many an hour remained before he could sit down to partake of his own supper. Despite the many hardships he endured, the impoverished brother believed that all his long hours of sweat and toil would one day prove worthwhile. And his dedication to the soil served him well. As the seed took hold, turnip leaves began to display themselves in abundance along his modest parcel, their thick roots burrowing happily downward into the dark rich earth. Only the farmer would have far more success than he had originally bargained for. There was one turnip in particular that grew and grew until it looked as if it would never stop growing. Although this should have provoked great joy in the poorer of the two brothers, it instead provoked great dismay. For this most vigorous of vegetables did not sprout from the ground as had its leafy companions, but from the farmer himself.

Indeed, it surged aggressively forth from beneath the pale paunch of his belly, its stout base surrounded by a dense cluster of leaves that shaded the equally pale flesh of his thighs. The turnip would become so heavy that this devoted tiller of the soil eventually found it difficult to walk, let alone hoe his plantings or climb a ladder or perform any of the normal tasks of daily life. Each time he sat down for a meal, it bumped the underside of the table, upsetting the weathered rectangle of pine along with everything that had been placed upon it. It got so that the farmer had to slide his chair so far back that he could barely reach his plate. Soon the wearing of trousers became an impossibility. He would be forced to either cut away the buttoned flaps at the front or go about trouserless, the latter option proving most distressing whenever a chill wind blew.

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Dear Dr. Kate: What Can I Do About My Body Hair?

December 17, 2009


hairy_fruit_berries_nipplesphoto by Tatters:)

Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in New York City and she answers your medical questions here every few weeks. To ask her your own question, click here.

Dear Dr. Kate,

I’m a light skinned woman who’s pretty hairy all over, including hairs on my chin and around my nipples. Years ago I had an ob-gyn who said I could take a certain birth control pill in combination with something else that would actually make me less hairy. I never did it but I’ve always wondered about it. Now, just the other day, I saw a commercial for Vaniqa, what they’re touting as “the first and only FDA approved prescription cream clinically proven to reduce the growth of unwanted facial hair (UFH) in women.” Do you know anything about this? And why you can’t rub it everywhere? Do you have any other recommendations for safely and permanently removing things like facial hair, nip hair, that treasure trail from the belly button down, etc…?

– Bad Hair Day
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Confession: 7 Reasons Why I Hate Shower Sex

December 16, 2009


shower_head_waterphoto by stevendepolo

A contributor friend of ours, who wished to remain anonymous, has a confession to make:

I’m all for showering independently, quickly toweling off, and jumping back into bed for sex — that‚Äôs a good start to any morning. But if you want me to actually join you in the shower, you should know that I’ll be bringing my elbow and knee pads:

1. Under the unforgiving bathroom lights (bright! bright! bright!), it’s hard not to notice your partner’s bodily flaws (i.e. “Oh, you have more of a beer belly than I thought…”).

2. Which means, of course, that he’s probably noticing my flaws, too. I imagine him looking at me and thinking, “Wow, she does wear a push-up bra. Those don‚Äôt even look like the same boobs to me.” Not that he hasn’t seen them before, but sheets and dim lighting have their advantages.

3. It gets awfully slippery (and not in a good way). It just can’t be a good idea to lift up a leg and wrap it around your partner when there’s all that soap and shampoo hanging around. Throw in a horrible sense of balance and a hard tub floor and all I can picture is an embarrassing trip to the E.R.

4. With all that water running, the places you do want to stay slippery don’t.

5. It’s just too crowded. Most showers aren’t built for two, which results in awkward fumbling and the occasional minor concussion when you both bend over to pick up the soap at the same time.

6. How am I supposed to deep-condition my hair and wash my face if he’s hanging around afterwards? It’s even worse when he tries to shampoo my hair — come on, he’s supposed to be the boyfriend, not the stylist. And I really don’t want a guy to see me use my clay exfoliating mask.

7. My showers aren’t always lingering, self-indulgent affairs, of course — but when they’re not, it’s usually because I’m running late for work, which means I definitely don’t have time for shower sex.

Agree? Disagree? Discuss.

How to Share a Fantasy in Three Easy(ish) Steps

December 16, 2009

1 Comment

fantasy_bunny_maskphoto by smell_of_colours

Sharing a fantasy with a partner can be a cheap and easy way to foster intimacy, build trust, and kink things up. But it takes a lot of courage to do. What if you think yours is too mundane to put into words (remember Meg Ryan’s faceless stranger fantasy in When Harry Met Sally?). Or what if you’re afraid your partner will be jealous of or even deeply disturbed by what you share? Or, worst case scenario: What if they just laugh? Try these tricks to make things a little smoother:

  1. Set the Stage for Safe Sharing: Ask your partner to tell you one of their biggest/darkest/strangest masturbation fantasies, explaining that it’d be such a turn-on to get in their head. Promise them you won’t judge or giggle (and keep that promise). If they’re reluctant, set a brave example by offering up one of your own (you can insist that they honor the no-giggling rule, too).
  2. Just Start Talking: The next time you’re having regular old comfort sex, start talking about something you’d like to try now, something you’d like to try eventually, or something you’d never ever want to try but are simply turned on by in your mind. Then suggest that your partner do the same (no pressure though!). Or just recount a dirty story you recently read. The fact that you’re having sex at the time will mean any awkward pauses can be filled with moans. And when you’re both distracted by physical pleasure, there’s less pressure for your fantasy to make narrative sense. Just a sentence or two here and there will get the point across.
  3. Read the rest of this entry »

Naked News: Casual Sex, Lady Gaga, and Life Imitating Porn

December 15, 2009


lady_gagaphoto by AFlickion

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How Not to Regret Your Holiday Office Party in 4 Easy Steps

December 15, 2009


xerox_machine_photocopierphoto by iLoveButter

We’ve both worked from home for more than five years, which means that we’ve been deprived of the Curb-Your-Enthusiasm-esque pleasure-meets-pain of holiday office party shenanigans. (We did make a festive trip together to the local Christmas tree farm, but there was no Xerox machine there for us to disgrace ourselves on.) So, help us live vicariously — and help your fellow EMandLO.com readers learn from your mistakes — by telling us the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever done at a holiday office party. If it happened under the mistletoe (or on the Xerox machine, you dirty bird) then we really want to know about it. In the meantime, as we’ve got nothing juicy to share (especially as we gave up our party trick of making out with each other back in the ’90s), here’s a cheat sheet for your holiday office party season, after the jump…

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Wise Guys: When Is It Okay for a Woman to Fart?

December 15, 2009


no_farting_signphoto by ab9kt

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: When is it okay for a woman to fart in front of her partner?

colin_adamo_100Straight Single Guy (Colin Adamo): Your five-year wedding anniversary. Some rather liberal couples will try to tell you they really don’t care about their partner’s farts (don’t believe them, they are crazy — stop inviting them to your dinner parties). I know you want to share everything with your loved one, but some boundaries exist for everyone’s benefit. This could be the secret barometer for a good relationship. The longer you can go without ever farting in front of your partner, the better your relationship will be. Your five-year is a fine capitulation-point because the two of you have probably hit your stride by now. But be careful, once this door opens, it can never be closed again.

terence_100Gay Committed Guy (Terence): When I was little I was told that holding in farts causes cancer, or loose bowels, when you’re old. So for the sake of your happy retirement, do both of you a favor and let ‘em rip.

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Hot Guys + Baby Animals = Genius

December 14, 2009



Somebody must have done this before. There’s got to be a 1978 calendar buried in someone’s basement somewhere featuring topless guys in tight pants with lush mustaches and fluffy wittle kittens. But we’ve never seen it. So we’re kind of getting a kick out of Hot Guys and Baby Animals, the new Recess Peanut Butter Cup of the novelty gift industry.

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