Em & Lo's RSS Feed Em & Lo's Daily Email Feed Be Our Facebook Friend! Follow Us on Twitter!

LEVI's on Amazon

Good Vibes Cupcake

Buy on Amazon Kindle!

Sandals on Amazon


Archive | Confessions RSS feed for this section

Telling People Not to Get Married Young Makes Them Narcissistic

September 23, 2014

0 Comments

Reader Joseph recently took us to task for our advice to a twenty-four-year-old woman who said she likes her co-worker more than her boyfriend, but feels like maybe she should stay with her boyfriend because they have a “solid” relationship and her friends and family adore him. Our advice, in a nutshell, was, “Be twenty-four.” Have fun, flirt, date around, don’t settle down, etc, etc. But according to Joseph, it is exactly this approach that is causing young people to be so narcissistic and immature. Here’s his comment; what do you think?

Yes she is 24! So she should be mature enough to not think like a 15-16 year old kid. The problem with today’s society is that it keeps young men and young women in the ” kids” status by claiming you are too young to settle, in other words today’s philosophy is ” your too young to take on responsibility. No wonder today’s society is so narcissistic and immature, people back then at 16 plus where mature and forced to take on responsibility for their own live, stop using you are only 24 years old excuse to keep people in the Peter Pan syndrome, she is 24 she should be an mature adult and if she is not is time to become one. Grow up article writer.

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:



Comment of the Week: An Easy Trick to Avoid Ruining Your Relationship Forever

September 17, 2014

1 Comment


photo via flickr

One reader emailed us their best relationship advice, not in response to a specific post, but just ’cause. So we wanted to share:

Me and my girl broke up after 8 years together. She was wonderful and I was a fool. I did everything wrong. So my advice is:  if you’re thinking of doing something wrong towards your other half, close your eyes, imagine your life without her/him and if it looks better, do your thing. The heartache and depression I’ve been feeling is awful. It’s like being punched in the gut every minute of the day. Def would do a lot of things differently if I had it to do again.

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:



I Took My Kids to the Jeff Koons Retrospective (Oops)

September 10, 2014

2 Comments


from the Jeff Koons retrospective at the Whitney

My family had an opportunity to visit New York City for a full week recently. It was the longest my husband and I (the Lo half of Em & Lo) had been there since having kids. Before breeding, we’d lived there for years, gorging on the countless cultural opportunities at our disposal. Post-spawn, we moved to the Hudson Valley and have only managed the occasional day-trip back. But thanks to friends whose summer plans left their kid-friendly Brooklyn apartment empty, we got to live the life of city parents, complete with a borrowed Maclaren (natch).

I was determined to pack it in:

  • MoMA – check!
  • Off-Broadway show with discount tickets from TKTS – check!
  • Row boat ride on The Lake in Central Park – check!
  • Outdoor family movie at South Street Seaport – check!
  • Visiting all 9 playgrounds of Brooklyn Bridge Park…in one day - check!

The only thing left was a visit to the Whitney to catch the popular Jeff Koons retrospective. With its bright bubblegum colors, its larger-than-life scales, its cartoonish sensibilities, it would be perfect for kids, right?

My husband had to work that day, so I hauled my daughter, 6, my son, 3, the snack bag and the stroller from Carroll Gardens all the way uptown on the F, and then the 6, in sweltering August heat. By the time we got to the Whitney, the kids were done. Not one to let something like my kids’ exhaustion get in the way of their cultural education or my own artistic enjoyment, I was determined to visit all six — count ‘em, six — floors of the show (it’s the first time a single artist has taken up so much real estate at the Whitney).

I felt a cool breeze coming off the ticket salesperson. Was it the poor fit of my mom jeans or my sensible shoes? Could he tell I was dragging these poor kids along against their will? Or did the fact that I failed to donate money to the museum beyond the cost of my ticket irk him? (Hey, kids tix are officially free. Plus, this new economy can be brutal on bloggers.) When I asked which floors were must-see for kids, I got no friendly warnings.

We started with what would be the surest kid-pleaser: the 4th floor, with its ginormous, metallic, balloon-animal dog; the rainbow-colored mountain of Play-Doh poop; and the oversized kitten hanging in a clotheslined sock. As we rode up the crowded elevator, I imagined my children’s eyes widening with wonder and their jaws dropping open with awe at these sights.

The elevator doors opened, we took a look around, and within 30 seconds they both told me they were ready to leave. This was going to be a challenge.

I kicked it into high gear, breezing through each gallery, swerving around patrons’ toes, wrangling the kids and reminding them about 20 billion times not to touch anything — all so we could get in and out without any meltdowns from my kids (or me). In my haste, I must have missed the small plaque that apparently gives a warning to parents and those with delicate sensibilities about the graphic content of the works around one corner.

So there we were, suddenly face to face with Elvis, a painting depicting a plastic blow-up toy in the shape of a lobster flanked by two images of topless (and, for all intents and purposes, bottomless) Playboy Playmates, with their silicone breasts and impossibly smooth skin. Kind of funny, if I’d had a second to think about it, but my visceral reaction was, I don’t want my daughter to think that this is what women are supposed to look like. I must have made some involuntary groan. It was the first time during our visit that my daughter really looked at the art. (Fortunately, my son was more interested in the intricacies of his belly button than the pictures on the walls.)

Pressing on — quickly, quickly — we turned another corner and found one of the mural-sized works from his 25-year-old “Made in Heaven” series, featuring a naked Jeff Koons and his Italian porn-star soon-to-be-wife (now ex). His penis and testicles and her pube-free vulva were at kid eye level. A woman behind me told her friend rather sternly — and loudly — “This is not appropriate for children.”

I panicked, mumbling something to my kids like, “Nothing to see here!”, and bee-lined it to the next, less scandalous room.

We made it out alive. The kids hopefully made it out unscarred. But I sure didn’t help matters. One might think a person who writes about sex for a living, endorses comprehensive sex education, uses accurate anatomical terms with her kids (e.g. wash your vulva; boys have penises, girls have clitorises), answers questions about where babies come from honestly and without shame, and tries to exude a positive body image in all states of dress (even if she has to fake it) would be able to handle her kids seeing nude artwork with aplomb and grace. But my fear of being perceived by strangers as a bad parent, along with my own deep-seated embarrassment, won out.

I realize now that my frazzled reaction made this nudity a bigger deal than it was, made it instantly taboo, and therefore gave it more power, mystery and allure than it would have had otherwise. After all, we all have bodies — and genitals — that come in different shapes and sizes; just as everybody poops, everybody is naked under their clothes. The most offensive thing about the painting of the couple was actually the incredibly tacky ’80s accessories the woman was wearing. (I mean, white lace thigh highs and a floral headband? Come on!) Even Elvis‘s fake boobs — which I am generally not a fan of, for both philosophical and aesthetic reasons — weren’t as offensive as some of the violence portrayed (and thus condoned) in contemporary kids’ cartoons and movies. But I’ve certainly let my kids watch those without as much guilt. (I mean, machine guns in Disney’s Cars 2? Come on!)

What I should have done was acted normal and unfazed, gotten through the museum in a calm and orderly fashion, then asked my daughter what she thought of the show and if she had any questions about what she had seen. Probably not a teachable moment on the ills of the cosmetic surgery industry or the benefits of pubic hair. But maybe something a little less Nudity = Shame.

Actually, what I really should have done was bitten off only what I and my kids could realistically chew, been content with seeing just the 4th floor, and then taken them to get ice cream, stat. But that’s another parenting article altogether.

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com

 



(Atrociously Ignorant) Comment: Bisexual Is Just an Excuse Gay Men Use

September 9, 2014

3 Comments

Sometimes, a comment on our site is so out there, so ill-informed, so close-minded, so staggeringly wrong that we feel compelled to share it, simply so that all of you can join in the chorus of disapproval. Please tell us, dear readers, that this commenter is in the minority amongst you! This post on bisexuality was submitted by reader Bobby B in response to the article, “Your Call: I Can’t Handle My Boyfriend’s Bisexuality”:

Your boyfriend is not a bi sexual (there is no such thing having sex with a person of the same gender makes yo a homosexual bi sexual is a word that homo’s have made up to lessen the sting of the fact that they can’t admit just what they are even to themselves) he is a straight up queer who has sex with men.

Your best bet would be to find a man who is not a queer and only has interist in sex witp persons of the opposite gender and then make sure that he does not run off and have sex with every menber of the opposite gender that he meets.

The likelyhood is that you will have a much better outlook on your new boyfriend if you were to stick to faithful hetrosexual males who are attracted to you rather than remaining with a homosexual who needs to have a woman around to convince himself that he is not queer only”bi sexual”.

Get rid of him and move on

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:



Comment of the Week: Give Your Spouse More Credit

September 4, 2014

0 Comments

photo via Flickr

When a reader asked ”Is Intellectual Inequality a Deal Breaker?“, Henry’s response concisely showed how having a better attitude — i.e. being more generous, looking at things from a more positive perspective — can make all the difference in a relationship: 

I’ve been married 14 years. I’ve always thought my non-college educated woman a bit “simple.” Recently though, she explained some things about the work she does in such an eloquent way that I realized that perhaps I was all along judging her on my experiences and priorities, not hers.

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:



Comment of the Week: How to Really Talk About Sex with Your Spouse

August 27, 2014

1 Comment

photo via Wikimedia

Reader Nikki dropped some serious wisdom this week in response to our post, “BDSM Saved My Life, But Is Ruining My Near Perfect Marriage” (we’re thinking we may have to start a Kinksters Anonymous support group to help out all these kink-stressed marriages):

Oh, damn. This is a tough situation. It sounds like you two are sexually incompatible and have some communication problems.

Some of what isn’t working sexually for you is a kink issue and part of it isn’t a kink issue. I’m going to address these separately, because I think they are distinct issues. The non-kink issue first. It sounds like you are missing things from the “vanilla” part of the menu, like more foreplay.

First, what I’m reading in your letter is that your wife hears requests for more of what you like as failures on her part. That needs to stop. The two of you need to work out a way to communicate about your sexual needs and desires without it becoming a source of tension or argument.

Second, it sounds like your wife is being rather sexually selfish. She refuses to have more foreplay, or allow you to go down on her, and only wants the kind of sex she likes? Relationships are about compromise. If the BDSM stuff freaks her out, that’s one thing. But would a little more vanilla kissing, touching, or oral sex really be all that difficult for her to indulge you in once in a while? I think not. Again, this is a communication issue.

For these issues, I suggest having an honest conversation about your sexual needs, and perhaps seeking a marriage counselor. Again, I reiterate that it’s important to separate out your kink from your vanilla sex life because there are distinct issues going on here.

The kink issue is a little less complicated and a little more complicated. It sounds like your wife just isn’t into BDSM, while you really miss it. If she’s just not into it, doesn’t like it, and it actually upsets her, you can’t expect her to do it. I say this as a kinkster myself. So you have three options: (1) resign yourself to giving up BDSM for good (which sounds unrealistic, given your fears about cheating); (2) end your marriage and search for a kinky partner; or (3) open the relationship on terms that you are both comfortable with. If your marriage really is as good as you say it is, it doesn’t sound like it’s worth blowing up your home for the sake of monogamy. You don’t even have to break monogamy to open your relationship sufficiently to satisfy your kinky needs. Lots of BDSM doesn’t involve what most people consider to be sex.

These issues might also be best addressed with the help of a therapist, because again, I think you guys have communication issues. If you do want to talk about the kink aspects of this problem with a therapist, I suggest you find a kink-friendly one, because otherwise, the therapist may fixate too much on the “pathology” of your kinks (despite the updates to the DSM). The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom has a Kink Aware Professionals directory you can use to search for therapists and marriage counselors in your area who are BDSM-literate and sex positive.

Best of luck to you. I hope you and your wife can reach a solution that makes you both happy and gets your relationship into a better place.

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:



Comment: It’s Not Appropriate to Teach Your Kids About Oral

August 13, 2014

7 Comments

A reader calling themselves “Normal Person” (as opposed to the rest of you perverts, we suppose?) took us to task for our list of “10 Things We Will Tell Our Sons About Sex.” For the record, our sons are both three, so our Serious Conversations with them are currently limited to the importance of sharing toys, eating broccoli, and not pulling down their underwear in public. (Then again, we know some fully grown men not entirely capable in these areas.) And as we said to Normal Person in the comments section, perhaps we wrote that list so we wouldn’t have to talk to our sons about the importance of reciprocity in oral sex.

Still, we think it’s worth imparting to boys the idea that receiving oral isn’t an entitlement, and that vaginas aren’t gross. Way too many men grow up believing this. Then again, ask us ten years from now, when our sons are teenagers, how much of this we’re still willing to impart!

Here’s what Normal Person had to say:

I sure hope you, the mother, are not actually having a conversation with your son about “Oral should be reciprocal.” Lack of boundaries, interjecting yourself into his development in this area. I think he will feel uncomfortable talking to his mom about that — find someone else. This is more about you and your politics and worldview than ensuring the healthy development of your son, if you think it’s appropriate to talk about cunnilingus with your young son.

Think about the creepy equivalent of your father sitting you down to have a “talk” with you and explain that it is important to give blowjobs to your boyfriend if he offers to pleasure you. WTF? I really don’t think you need to interject yourself into this in your parent child relationship.

You may think these issues are important for a man to know if he wants to be a good boyfriend, but it should under no circumstance come from you if you are getting into such specifics. Totally inappropriate. I promise you he will be very uncomfortable.

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com



Comment(s) of the Week: Be Smart About Respect

August 6, 2014

0 Comments

It’s a tie between two responses to our Your Call post Is Intellectual Inequality a Deal Breaker? – both of which are great advice for any relationship. First, Dannie said: 

This is a question that ultimately only you can answer, because only you know your priorities.  Is intelligence the most important thing to you?  On the flip side, can you handle her mistakes with grace, rather than condescension?  Also keep in mind that intelligence is not as quantifiable as we tend to think it is.  What is she better than you at doing?  I’m willing to bet that there are still a few things that she can teach you, even if she repeatedly uses the wrong “your/you’re.”  The bottom line is, can you focus on those aspects of her, or will they be lost in your frustration?  Keep in mind that you’re not perfect, either, and you might be able to be a great team.  If you prioritize her ability to Sudoku in under a minute, however, then she deserves to be with someone who will appreciate her completely, not someone who will resent or even look down on her year after year.

Then Ralphie said:

My wife and I are “intellectual equals.”  We both have many letters that follow our names.  She will still occasionally make “cringe worthy comments” that cause me to raise my eyebrows.  You can believe me when I say that I too have made my share of “cringe worthy comments.”  Unless she has some type of disability, I’d be hesitant to question whether she is as “smart” as you.  Maybe she has not acquired as many facts, or has not thought through issues/problems as much or as quickly as you, but that probably is not a question as to how smart she is.  The real question is whether the differences in your intellectual curiosity (and possibly educational background) is a deal breaker.  People of different backgrounds come together all of the time.  You need to decide whether the differences between the two of you is enough to be a deal breaker.

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:



Comment of the Week: What Porn Gets Wrong About Female Pleasure

July 30, 2014

0 Comments

photo via flickr

Reader grainne said the following in response to our post, “Comment of the Week: How to Get Past His Porn Habit”. We found this point really interesting — that many women are bothered by porn not because they find it offensive, per se, but because they think it misleads men regarding what women like in bed:

When you talk about “getting past his porn habit,” you are not addressing how many women and girls might not really care that their men look at it, if it did not affect their thinking about what most women find pleasurable.

Dave Lampert, inventor of the Sybian machine, said it best: “I have long maintained that the greatest hoax played upon the world is the importance of the male stroking during intercourse. The in-and-out motion of stroking is used in nearly all male/female porno material. This movement gives the viewer a better view of what turns them on. It is what they wish to see. Thus most viewers think this is how intercourse is performed.”

To my knowledge — I admit to not having made a study on this point — man is the only animal in the kingdom that strokes. (Stroking should not be confused with the natural movement of trying to force the penis in further, which does have a slight in/out movement in the attempt to thrust deeper.)

Please do not try to tell me that man strokes because he has the ability to think. It is the opposite, he strokes because he is not thinking or because he is selfish. I believe that stroking is 95% to the benefit of the male and the 5% received by the female would come under the category of “priming the pump.”

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:



Extra-Marital Sex: Ask for Permission, Not Forgiveness

July 16, 2014

0 Comments

Reader Vixen told the following cautionary tale in response to our post, “Your Call – He’s Kinky, She’s Vanilla, Is the Relationship Doomed?” Remember, dear readers: Most people find it easier to get over infidelity than dishonesty in their spouse. The sooner you say something — preferably before you actually cheat — the better.

My spouse of 15 years has just told me that he has been cheating on me for years and doesn’t love any of the other women, still loves me, but wants an open marriage.

For a few years, his bedroom fantasies have been kinky, and he said he wanted to ‘share me.’ I agreed to these fantasies only in the bedroom. I thought that is what his desires were, just fantasies. They didn’t do it for me, but I desired to be intimate with him, so I entertained them. He has a high stress career and is always told what to do, so I figured he needed a little Dom control to cope.

We never had a conversation about his desires. Or mine, which I guess are vanilla. Although I do think, had he communicated with me, he might have seen I have some vixen in me, too. So he went outside of our marriage to act out his fantasies, yet, he still doesn’t seem happy.

He recently met a married woman on Ashley Madison and had a couple of “angry sex” encounters. Her husband found out and informed me. It is a mess. Now we are separating. I hope he will agree to counseling. He said he did not feel this way until 8 years into our marriage when our daughter was about to be born. I wonder why he didn’t just talk to me about his feelings or ask for a divorce then? I would have been crushed, but now 7 years later am just beyond words devastated.

I have stuck by him, and I thought we were friends, as well. Now I have lost my husband and my friend. I am wondering if all of this behavior change could be PTSD, sex addiction, fear of retirement, mid-life crisis, and alcoholism. He said he was sorry that he hurt me with the affairs, but was not sorry he had the affairs. He did finally admit to being an alcoholic.

All he is thinking about is himself. And to think that I have laid awake at night wanting him and he claimed he was too tired. And our little girl wanted to spend time with him and he was too tired. Yet, he had alter-ego. He has always been the most level-headed, soft spoken man. None of this makes sense. I want to help him, but I feel so betrayed and unattractive.

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com: