photo via Flickr

photo via Flickr

In response to the “Your Call” about whether the stepfather whose stepdaughter told him in confidence that she was sexually active had an obligation to his wife to let her know, regular EMandLO.com commenter and Wise Guy Figleaf offered up some advice that confirms he’s one of the most thoughtful, reasonable and helpful people around these here parts. (Btw, Ape’s answer the day before Figleaf’s was spot-on, in our opinion, but Figleaf’s just took it that extra mile to secure the “comment of the week” spot):

While every former-peer-counselor and privacy-respecting bone in my body says don’t share something you’ve been told in confidence, and while I agree strongly with Ape that if you’re her parent and you’re parenting in good faith that should be sufficient, the problem is that you’re not just a parent, you’re a partner.

If your partner views you withholding that information as a relationship deal-breaker then you face the loss not only of contact with your partner but also of contact with her daughter, given that it’s almost inconceivable that she wouldn’t follow her mother should her mother leave you.

I don’t and probably can’t know your family’s details — how long you’ve been a parent to your step-daughter, how “proprietary” your partner is about her, what your partner’s relationship with her daughter is, etc.  So there could be exceptional circumstances here…

But here’s what I’m going to strongly recommend.

First, urge your step-daughter to tell her mom.  Offer to be supportive.  Offer to “war-game” it with her.  Offer your perspective on your partner’s likely reaction.  Determine if she feels she has real cause for fear or if she’s just working on ordinary teen embarrassment.  I mean think about it, if your partner’s got any kind of perspective at all then she, like a lot of “blustery” parents, is unlikely to flip out, send her daughter to a convent, and so on because she’s become sexual.

Second, if the first thing just isn’t going to go, then it’s time to have a conversation with your partner about her and your boundaries about her daughter.  See if you can get a realistic assessment of her level of trust in you.  Because as Ape says she really might be fine with your authentic parenting decision.  On the other hand, if she’s not then it’s going to be a hard choice, and you might have to work very hard on the in-family diplomacy, but you really do have an obligation to let your partner know.

One last thing.  There’s a phenomenon in a lot of families where one parent or the other will be dominating to the point that his or her partner becomes effectively a co-sibling or other kind of ally with the children.  One consequence of that dynamic is that it becomes extremely easy to share secrets and otherwise sort of passive/aggressively undermine the other parent’s authority.  Considerable evidence (including direct observation on my part) suggests this almost never turns out well in the end.  It’s tempting, it’s easy, but it’s also dangerous and lazy.  I’ve already said I don’t know your family dynamics so I’m not accusing you of participating in this dynamic at all.  But!  If you feel that might be happening (and you don’t always notice at first) then there’s a responsibility to one’s partner, one’s self, and most importantly one’s family to “man up,” or “woman up” and re-open those closed power/communication channels.  Again, the alternative is that things generally don’t end well.

photo via flickr

EMandLO.com contributor Jewely Hoxie, who is studying Human Sexuality at the University of California Santa Cruz — you can read her blog here — has a confession to make:

There are some perks to being a Human Sexuality major — and I’m not just talking about its potential as a pick-up line. Take the time I used my favorite places to be touched during sex as a way of remembering where we have the most nerve endings. Or my discovery — thanks prof! — that the parts of our body with the least amount of hair have the most nerve endings. Some of the nerve-rich areas are pretty obvious — lips, genitals, duh. But then there are body parts — with sparse to no hair — that don’t get nearly the amount of attention they deserve. Try these next time you’re in bed with someone:

1. The ear. Try light wisps of warm breath over the ear and maybe some small nibbles at the top during your next make-out session.
2. The collarbone. It is such a delicate part of the body that someone else’s soft kiss there can bring you to that romantic Bright Eyes love poem kind of place.
3. The hip bone. This is like the center of movement during sex. Any stimulation here will have a ripple effect on the rhythm of what’s going on. Consider a firm grab of the hips or even a little biting if you’re in the neighborhood.
4. The inner thigh. This is a good place to go for a tease before jumping in. It can be especially sensitive when your partner is sitting legs apart — the feeling of vulnerability tends to heighten the senses.
5. The back of the knees. This tends to be the most overlooked sensitive spot. Check in here while roaming down your partner’s body, or perhaps when their legs are flung near your face.

– Jewely Hoxie

photo via Flickr

In response to the post “Question of the Week: What’s Your Number?” reader Dannie says the following:

Honestly, I feel more pressure to lie about my number because I’ve only slept with one person, and plan to. When I say this, I typically have to defend my choice: no, I don’t feel like I’m “missing out;” no, I don’t think sleeping with more men would make me wiser or mature; yes, I really do feel satisfied and, after four years of great sex, predict that such feelings will continue. I know in my mother’s generation it was sort of a goal, but now, if you haven’t slept with more than one person, people act like you’re missing something big and that you’re a total prudish, backward (probably *gasp* Christian!), limited human being. I’m not any of those things. I think having as many partners as you want is a wonderful thing, be it none or two hundred. For me, at this point in time, I want one. I have one. I’m happy. And this long tirade is just proof of how, again, I felt the need to defend myself. But that was basically my point.

The movie What’s Your Number? (just released on DVD) is based on the totally annoying premise that a woman (played by the usually much funnier and better-than-this Anna Faris) freaks out when she reads a magazine article and discovers that her sexual body count (20) is twice the average. So she decides that rather than just carrying on with her dating and sex life like a normal human being, or becoming celibate, she will rifle through her exes to see if one of them could be The One — thereby not upping her number any further.

So, here’s our question for you: Do you (or did you ever) keep track of your “number”? Do you have it on the tip of your tongue? Could you work it out, if pressed? Were you ever bothered by your number (in either direction), or what other people might think of your number?

Leave your response in the comments section below (feel free to share your age, gender, relationship status, etc., if it’s relevant to your answer).

photo via flickr

Comments of the week don’t necessarily reflect our personal opinions — sometimes it’s simply a thoughtful response that we think merits further discussion. This week, in response to the post “Wise Guys: Is Sex on a First Date a Relationship Killer?” reader William says this:

Why would you want to have sex on the first date if you are looking for a LTR?  If you want sex; own up to it and don’t say you are looking for a LTR. The message it sends is totally wrong for a LTR.  Would you not wonder if the other party is having sex on other first dates that they go on?  There is no way to know how much you are really going to like a person until you have had a chance to spend some time with them and learn about them.

I personally think for a relationship to work you need to find out if they share your core values.  Ultimately do they want to get married? Do they like kids and want kids?  If you are going to be a couple, will they give up their personal privacy if that is what you want?

New acquaintances can seem very intriguing but that feeling can also fade very quickly once you start learning more about a person.  If you are TRULY looking for LTR … don’t rush to have sex … as the feelings sex will generate will most likely convolute how you truly like the person  …  and you will be left feeling hurt when ultimately the relationship does not work out.

After a woman was recently asked to move to the changing rooms at a Texas Target to nurse her child, she and other breastfeeding advocates organized a national nurse-in at Target stores across the country last week on December 28th. A writer-friend of ours, Amy Keyishian, went to her local store and took a, shall we say, spirited picture of herself nursing her kid (above), which caused quite a, shall we say, stir. Her writer friend, Marjorie Ingall, jumped to her defense in what we would call a spot-on analysis of why so many people freak out whenever a boob gets whipped out in public to feed a baby. So, what do you think? Should nursing be a private thing between mother and child? Is public breastfeeding okay, so long as it’s not in-your-face (i.e. not at a restaurant without a boob-burka or, say, while pushing your kid in a Target cart)? Or do we as a society need to accept the fact that breasts aren’t just sexual objects to be ogled by men and all chill the fuck out?

photo via Flickr

John Bender, in response to the post “10 Reasons Your ‘Ugly Vagina’ Is Normal and Gorgeous”:

I am almost 60 years old. I have been with a fair amount of woman in my life. All colors and persuasions. I have never seen a vagina that I did not grow to love and adore. Because it was a part of the woman I had grown to love and adore.

Occasionally a few had very strong aroma, but it was usually a medical condition from poor body chemistry balanced (caused by diet or stress) or a yeast infection. I always gently discussed with my girlfriend and with a little attention the issue was resolved.

Other than that long lips, small lips, large amount of hair, sparse hair, I never consider this organ could ever be considered “ugly”.

NOTE: The current trend to shave the vulva totally turns me off. I don’t want to be with a prepubescent girl I want to be with a woman. And the 5 o’clock stubble really sucks.

Earlier this week, we asked you, “What’s the worst present you ever received from a romantic partner?” Here are some of our favorite responses from you. Merry fucking Christmas!

MarcieT Says:
December 22nd, 2011 at 9:17 am e
Not me, but my mother: Dad bought her a ShopVac for Christmas after 20+ years of marriage. Major fail. He no longer buys gifts without input from his 3 daughters.

Tealess Says:
December 22nd, 2011 at 9:39 am e
Not a holiday present but rather our first anniversary present. I was hoping for flowers, and maybe some lingerie, or jewelry – something romantic at least. Instead, I got a hat, and a pregnancy workout video.
We’re still married 20 years later, but it’s one of the few things he’s never been forgiven for.

Wendy Says:
December 22nd, 2011 at 2:49 pm e
My husband has never been entirely spot on or creative when it comes to gift giving in our 18 years of marriage. I have learned to expect anything other than what I would actually want when I open a present from him. This became pretty clear early on on our union. I can’t remember if it was our second or third Christmas together but it was early enough in our relationship that my expectations were still pretty hopeful and high. There were only two gifts for me under the tree when I woke up so I figured they must be pretty special and probably expensive. Talk about disappointment when I opened them and discovered a six pack of blank VHS tapes and a thermal travel mug from the Texaco station…both clearly purchased that morning. Over the years no gifts have been as bad (or worse) than those, but I can’t say they have greatly improved. Needless to say, I shop for myself now ;o)

H Says:
December 22nd, 2011 at 5:08 pm e
Autographed picture of Garth Brooks. (I am not a fan, it wasn’t cheap and we really could have used that $$ for living expenses at the time!)

RM Says:
December 22nd, 2011 at 10:08 pm e
Last year my stocking contained two items: a single egg-shaped candle and a can of sardines. I don’t even like sardines – I have never purchased them or even eaten them in front of my partner. I just have no idea.

photo via flickr

Occasionally on this site, we ask you guys a nosy question and you can share your answer in the comments section below. Feel free to share your age, gender, relationship status, sexuality, etc., if you feel that it’s relevant to the answer. This week’s Question of the Week:

What’s the worst/most inappropriate/most disappointing gift you’ve ever received from a romantic partner at the holidays?