10 Rules for Doing It in the Great Outdoors

We were going to hold off on this for a few weeks, but the weather has been so beautiful recently (thank you, climate change!) and that means plenty of people will be feeling the need to answer the call of the wild. Here’s how to answer it responsibly:

  1. First, and most importantly of all, make sure you know what poison ivy looks like. And then, duh, don’t shag on it.
  2. If you’re in the mood for a little against-the-tree squirrel sex, then wear a skirt with no underwear and face your partner. Just be warned that this isn’t the most discreet way to do it, in case there are families picnicking in the next field over.
  3. Actually, if there are families picnicking in the next field over, any kind of alfresco sex is gross.
  4. Not to mention illegal. Another good reason to make damn good sure there is zero chance that an errant dog walker will happen upon you. Okay, so there’s never zero chance — and that’s at least half the fun, isn’t it? — but at least make sure you’re not in the middle of a hiking trail.
  5. Take along a picnic blanket if you’d rather do it lying down, and keep on as many clothes as possible. This will cause minimal distress to accidental voyeurs, will make for a faster getaway if you get busted, and will better protect you against ticks, mosquitoes, poison sumac, sunburn, etc.
  6. Speaking of ticks and bugs, we recommend lots of bug spray. NOT on any sensitive genitalia, of course, but remember: nothing kills the moment like a bum cheek under attack.
  7. If you want to up the romance factor, do it under a starry sky — ward off the chill (and lower the exhibitionist factor) by zipping two sleeping bags together. By the way, the best position for inside a sleeping bag is low-impact missionary, where you’re rocking back and forth with the hips rather than thrusting athletically.
  8. If you like the idea of being in the great outdoors but are willing to sacrifice the starry sky for a little privacy, then why not go on an overnight camping trip in the woods and get busy in the tent? Just be sure to turn off the flashlight first or else passersby will get quite a shadow-puppet show.
  9. We’ve heard some scary rumors of sex noises attracting bears. Could be one of those rural legends, but when it comes to bear attacks, we’d play on the safe side. When in bear country, stick to spooning.
  10. Good campers pack out what they pack in. Yes, we’re talking about your used condoms.

One Comment

  1. I agree with you wholeheartedly. However, if one (or both) happen to be married, s/he has a better chance vs. John Law than agains his/her spouse! Don’t you agree?? ((o;

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