Poster of Robert Doisneau’s “Le baiser de l’hôtel de ville” via Art.com
The Men’s Health article “18 Things a Grown Man Should Never Have” made us think we should have dated more Men’s Health readers back in our single days. (“10. A name for his penis. Even if it’s a really clever name. … 13. A futon. Sure, beds are for sleeping. But such a meager, slouchy spread has never, in the history of sex, inspired a woman to say, ‘Take me on your futon.’ … 14. Code words for ugly women. Actually, code words for anything.”) It also got us thinking about the sort of things a grown woman should never have…
- A stuffed animal on her bed. We’re not saying you have to donate that mangey bear to the Goodwill store — just store him as discreetly as you would your vibrator. No sex partner wants to share your bed with a blankie. Speaking of vibrators…
- A sex toy that contains phthalates or one labeled “for novelty use only.” Woman-up and buy yourself a sex toy that was actually designed with your pleasure in mind.
- Pants low enough that her thong peeks out the top. Or, as we like to refer to it, a “plot spoiler.”
- A list of all the people she’s slept with. Share your sexual history, yes. But naming names? People, no good can come of this.
- A poster of Doisneau’s “The Kiss by the Hotel de Ville” on her wall.
READ THE OF THIS TOP TEN LIST on SUNfiltered to find out why masturbation hang-ups, sex with your superior, and vaginas named “fufu” are not appropriate for a grown woman. (Oh, and this post is our entry in the “Most Trafficked Post” contest for June, so you’d be doing us a huge favor by clicking through, too.)
15) A MySpace account.
Bwahahahaha!!!!
12) A collection of Precious Moments figures.
13) A Precious Moments Figure of two children dressed up as a bride and groom on her wedding cake. (A wedding is a Adult Rite of Passage. When one attempts to reduce two adults, engaging in an ADULT agreement to “cute” children, it is an omen of BAD things to come later, and often signifies a FEAR of adult responsibilities which accompany an adult agreement such as marriage. Also, this tends to go with girls who spend 2 years obsessing and planning for EVERY detail of a wedding and not once think of the marriage, and it’s responsibilities which it precedes. The ones who come home from the Honey Moon and go, “OMG, what do I do now?”) AND…..
13) More than 2 or 3 bridesmaids, if any at all. The length and quality of a marriage is inversely proportionate to the number of bridesmaids and the complexity and cost of their dresses. Marriage ain’t the pageantry or the attention, it’s the LOVE, commitment and DAMN hard work. When one forgets that in favor of ATTENTION from others, everyone eventually suffers….
14) “Flavored” douches or flavored lubricant. These are for teenagers, amateurs, and mostly child/women and man/boys who are AFRAID of pussy and the way a clean healthy pussy is SUPPOSED to smell and taste. Not to mention the horrible yeast and bacterial infections such flavored crap cause.