Dear Em & Lo, My Boyfriend Doesn't Care About My Orgasm

Dear Em & Lo,

I love my boyfriend very much, but he comes so early on that I’m left hanging. Receiving oral sex ahead of time would sure get me that orgasm, but he doesn’t even do that! I NEVER orgasm, because as long as he gets his, it seems to not bother him that I don’t get mine! Totally ridiculous!

— Blue Walls

Dear Blue Walls,

It seems to us that your problem is not with your orgasm but with your boyfriend. If he’s not bothered by your lack of orgasms, then we’d humbly suggest that you not bother with him. Period. (Tell him you’ve found someone who’ll go down on you at the drop of a hat…er, push of a button.) If that seems too extreme for you, we suggest experimenting with other “inspirational” measures. For example, would he be bothered by a lack of blowjobs? Then try going on an oral sex strike.

Along with the strike — a plain old sex strike would work, too — we recommend a big Talk. (In fact, if we’re being mature, we’d recommend going with the Talk first and saving the strike as a last resort.) Tell him how much orgasms mean to you — we’re guessing he likes them pretty well himself, so this should be easy for him to understand. Tell him that there’s really one easy way for you to achieve said orgasms. Tell him that it’s physically impossible for you to do this to yourself — draw him a diagram if necessary. Then ask him, ever so gently, why he won’t do it.

If his answer is that he just doesn’t like it — or just doesn’t want to do it — then you’ve either got to compromise on another non-oral way he can make you climax or (back to option one) dump him because you’re just plain sexually incompatible. If he has a more reasonable explanation — he doesn’t know what to do, for example — then you’re already on your way to a solution. Here are some earlier posts from this site that may enlighten you:

*Note: This may be his excuse for not going down on you. If he’s simply squeamish about the taste of healthy vagina, then we’re back to the deal-breaker thing: You’ll need to ask yourself which you care more about, the man, the oral, or the orgasm? If you’re not ready to kick him to the curb yet — and you suspect that he may have a point — then the advice above may help. Keep in mind that he’s entitled to his own sexual preferences (maybe he’s fingers are more deft than his tongue), but not caring about your orgasm at all shouldn’t be one of them.

And if none of this works? Your mother may have told you once that there are plenty more fish in the sea. What she probably didn’t tell you is that plenty of those fish enjoy cunnilingus a hell of a lot more than your boyfriend does.

Hoping you get yours soon,

Em & Lo