Dear Em and Lo,
I have been dating this guy for about 3 years now. All was great, with the occasional mishaps for a while. We were more compatible than I ever thought possible. Unfortunately within the past 9-12 months things have not quite been right. Little things about him bother me (his sense of humor has begun to offend me, he “jokingly” insults me) and I am just not attracted to him at all any more. I can’t stand the thought of being with him, let alone having sex with him. I used to be okay with his relationship with his mother – although it did bother me, I used to be able to look past their unusual closeness… And now I’ve noticed he and his parents are actually… dare I say it… racist. Not to mention his dad is a bit on the sexist side and he has picked up these habits as well. I’m getting ready to start my senior year at college and want to focus on myself and my life to come, and not have to worry about HIM… Unfortunately we live on the same dorm hall and can’t not see each other. I desperately want out of this but am so lost as to how to leave… Do I just deal with it until the we graduate and tell him it’s over then and go about my life? The advice I’ve gotten from family is to just do my own thing and hope he comes around to my view… but I don’t know if I can wait that long…PLEASE HELP!!
–Confused in College
Dear CiC.,
We love the easy questions, and this is one of them:
END IT NOW!
Simple as that. You are obviously not happy. And you didn’t put one redeemable thing about your boyfriend in the note above. As you tell it, he’s a rude, sexist, racist mama’s boy whom you have no desire to be around, let alone have sex with. Your letter is one big attempt to convince yourself to break up with him. If you need someone else to give you permission to do it so you don’t feel so guilty, well, then here it is: you may break up with him.
This isn’t a marriage, it’s a college relationship — and college relationships are about as solid and stable as Michele Bachmann’s grip on reality. Couples on campus uncouple all the time and then are forced to run into each other. Sure it’s awkward, but it’s manageable — just be civil, take different routes to classes and the cafeteria, avoid parties you know your ex will be at, don’t take his late-night drunken calls, surround yourself with people he’s not friends with, etc.
You should focus on yourself right now, you should have a good time your senior year, and you should not feel guilty about any of it. Just because you once upon a time, long, long ago had a decent relationship doesn’t mean you should now suffer through what’s turned into an absolutely miserable and unsalvageable relationship. Just be respectful and gentle and generous when you break up with him, but be firm and decisive. Make a clean break. And then move on. You’ll be so glad you did.
Tough lovers,
Em & Lo
