Dear Em & Lo,
I was celibate for the first 20 years of my life, so considering that, it was surprisingly easy to jump into bed with a guy who lives in my building…every few nights for the last two months. We have a nurturing and adventurous sexual relationship, I think, and I press him to ask for whatever he wants because I’m still learning what I want.
Yesterday, what he wanted was to know if I’d ever agree to ditching the condom. I gave him a flat no, but I’m thinking. In order for me to go rubberless I’d have to switch birth control methods (pill for the patch, the pill is low dosage and taken irresponsibly and I don’t trust it), so that requires a gyno visit for me. And for him, he needs STD tests.
So given that run-down (fortunately paid for by the campus health plan), my question is, is it worth it? Is the sensation better or more interesting, or something I have to experience NOW in the course of my nascent exploratory nympho-dom? Or should I let him forget it and move on to better, sexier brainstorms?
–Rubber Match
Dear R.M.,
Congratulations! Being a newbie, you may not realize this, but it’s a rare, good thing when your first sexual relationship ever is sexually satisfying and nurturing, despite it being a booty call of sorts. Some people booty call for years by using sites like Fuck-Buddy.net without hitting upon this magic combination. In fact, some people struggle to find this even in long-term, committed relationships.
That all said, you don’t owe him a rubber-free ride. In fact, you don’t owe him a thing. We’re assuming that he is also enjoying this adventurous, nurturing sexual relationship — shouldn’t that be its own reward? Especially given that this relationship is a casual sexual one with an assumed expiration date, meaning that there is no assumption of monogamy or long-term commitment. Relationships like these are what condoms are made for!
Sure, sex feels a little nicer without a condom, especially for him (in fact, most guys would argue that sex feels a lot more than “a little nicer” without a condom). But long-term monogamy has to have some upsides! And unprotected sex with someone you love and trust is one of them. So save it for a relationship that fits this description. And with this guy, get adventurous with a blindfold or butt plug instead. Because there’s nothing adventurous about potentially exposing your precious genitals to an STD.
(For the record, even if you have been monogamous for the past two months, that’s not long enough for his STD test results to reassure you, as many STDs have longer incubation periods. And if he’s carrying HPV — chances are high, given the stats — there’s really no way to test for it.)
As an aside, what were you thinking sleeping with someone in your building?! Maybe it’s all those years we spent in New York City, but we would never jeopardize a great apartment deal over something as transient as a booty call. You’d be surprised how quickly “convenient” can morph into “awkward elevator ride.” One to grow on.
Crossing guards,
Em & Lo
