Dear Em & Lo,
Not too long ago I was in a committed relationship with a great guy. However, he wanted to be a bigger part of my life than I was really hoping for, and we ended up breaking up because of it. I’m nineteen, in college, and figuring my own life out. I know a booty call isn’t for me, yet neither is full blown let’s-be-together-always relationship. At the end of the day I don’t want a boyfriend, but I don’t want to give up intimacy altogether.
When I told this to my ex he said that people don’t have relationships like that, and later all of my girlfriends concurred. Can I have a casual intimate relationship while remaining independent? Is there even such a thing as a zero-calories relationship? And how can I tell a guy that this is what I want?
— Free(ish) Bird
Dear F.B.,
First of all, we think your ex was seriously over-defining the term boyfriend. The whole let’s-be-together-always is for fiances and spouses. Sure, we understand that some people find it depressing to be in a serious long-term relationship if they know it’s going to end at some point. But that’s your boyfriend’s problem for pushing the issue. Nobody should have to decide at age 19 what they’re going to do or who they’re going to be with for the rest of their life. Of course you were going to push him away. We’d have slapped you around like Cher in Moonstruck if you’d even considered making a permanent relationship decision at your age.
So we think you shouldn’t necessarily discount the role a decent boyfriend could play in your life. Trust us, most college-aged boyfriends will be more than happy to avoid discussing your long-term future together and will be more than happy to take things one date at a time.
As for your girlfriends. Um, are you from the deep South by any chance? Are they all sorority sisters who are going to college for their MRS degree? Whatever it is, they’re just plain wrong. How are you supposed to figure out who you want to marry if you’re not allowed to have relationships that might not go anywhere? The wrong relationships teach us so much about what we want and deserve out of the right relationship.
So, keep on dating. Go ahead and make someone your boyfriend if you really take a shine to him. And know that all it means to be someone’s boyfriend is that you like each other’s company and you’re not going to enjoy anyone else’s company for the duration of that relationship. Not for the duration of your life. This is college we’re talking about, not some kind of marital boot camp!
If you still find the whole boyfriend concept too stifling, you could experiment with a little casual intimacy — think of it as a booty call with spooning. But we’ll warn you: It’s tricky to pull off and can easily break hearts. Still interested? Check out these two recent posts we wrote about it:
On a final note, thank you, thank you, thank you for proving to us that things aren’t quite as Mars-vs.-Venus on college campuses as some people would have you believe. You’re a living, breathing counter-argument. Which might not be quite as sexy as getting to snuggle with someone who’s more than a booty call and less than a boyfriend — but, hey, it’s something!
— Em & Lo
