Comment of the Week: TOO Equal in a Relationship = No Spark

Reader AndySea wrote the following in response to the post, “Your Call – He’s Kinky, She’s Vanilla, Is the Relationship Doomed?” What do the rest of you think: Is it true that in a relationship of equals, “the sexual spark is never as strong”? (For the record, AndySea is speaking of any kind of power dynamic in a relationship, either man or woman taking the lead.)

D/s relationships are a very amplified version of the sexual polarity that *usually* exists in intimate relationships anyway. The masculine partner in a vanilla relationship is still typically more assertive, conquering, and providing while the feminine is more acquiescent, feeling, and nurturing. It’s the interaction between these opposites that generates attraction as by their very natures they tend to seek each other out.

Forgive me if I speak in generalities here. The world is full of all kinds and more power to us all. I’m generally speaking of the 80% or so of relationships between masculine (usually men) and feminine (usually women) partners. Also, there are egalitarian relationships of equals out there, but the sexual spark is never as strong; the attraction there has been established above the neck. And that’s great… if that’s your thing and all you need in life.

But consider the similarities between vanilla and kinky folk:

A Dominant, a good one — just like a good vanilla man (or whatever gender is the partner who generally takes the “masculine” roll) — is assertive, trustworthy, honest, attentive, caring, and focused on the needs of his partner. A good sub, just like a good vanilla “woman” (again, YMMV regarding gender) is yielding (generally-except when it’s time to push back a bit for good measure ), a beautiful magnet for his desire, craving of the Dominant’s or “man’s” strength, conquest, and steadfastness.

The “yen/yang,” opposites attract magic that happens here is something to be cherished. And the kink, or any other type of relationship for that matter, can happen or even strengthen the bonds of the relationship where trust is built and honored constantly. Hard limits should be respected and soft ones should be pushed in a measured way that simultaneously demonstrates the The Dominant’s power and his care, the two of which have earned “her” submission.

Sorry for the essay on D/s vs vanilla sexual polarity, but I get a sense from your post that you’re giving kink very short shrift here, possibly holding it at arms length. Clearly going into a committed relationship involving marriage and a family is a bad idea if it’s something you just can’t work out. But ask yourself: Is he a good man? Is he’ just another instance of bad choices on your part? Does he truly understand and can he demonstrate his responsibility to care for you in your submission? And can YOU – this will heavily depend upon how you answered the questions above – trust him enough to truly and openly submit?

Leave no topic undiscussed between you. Be clear on all your understandings of hard/soft limits, safe words, etc… and how your interaction will take shape. But I think you’re doing yourself a disservice if you don’t do some exploring and experimenting and see what power and beauty a D/s or BDSM relationship might have to offer.



  1. Great comment! D/s relationships can keep that sense of spark, passion, and danger that make new relationships so exciting from ever fading away.

  2. I don’t know much about BDSM or D/s culture, but I totally agree that women are far more excited by a decisive, assertive, dominant man than they are by an “equal.”

    Unless she’s specifically into BDSM, and specifically has a fetish for being sexually dominant, though, women absolutely hate a submissive man. They’ll date one. They’ll even marry one. But they’ll hate him for it and it’ll show.

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