Dear Em & Lo,
Every time my boyfriend and I “engage,” he turns me on then asks me to give him a BJ. After I do, I’m not as interested anymore. It happens every time. I’m very uncomfortable when I perform a BJ, and it takes away from the pleasure.
I want to know if it’s normal for me to lose interest so quickly, and if I’m being selfish by not wanting to please and not be pleased (he also prefers me to blow him without sex a lot).
Also, why does he ask for head more than sex? Am I doing something wrong sexually, or is it normal?
— Uptown Girl Living in a Downtown World
We would answer you, except that you’re asking the wrong questions. So, before we can answer your questions, we’re going to rephrase them for you. Here’s what you should have asked:
Q: Is it normal for my boyfriend to ask for a BJ every time we “engage”?
Q: Is it selfish of him to expect to be pleased without pleasing me?
[A: Hell yes!]
Q: Is it okay if he prefers me to blow him without sex a lot?
[A: If it’s not okay with you, then: Hell no!]
Q: Is he doing something wrong sexually?
[A: YES YES YES YES YES!!! He is paying zero attention to your needs and desires and instead treating you like a human suction machine.]
Okay, so maybe one of your questions did need to be asked:
Q: Am I doing something wrong sexually?
[A: Yes you are! Does your boyfriend have any idea that you feel the way you do? Have you told him? Because before you can accuse him of being a terrible listener, you have to start talking. We’re sure your body is giving off plenty of negative cues, but guys can be pretty blind to those cues, especially when oral is on the table.]
So: Speak up, girl! Start asking the right questions… of him. And if he still won’t listen, then find yourself a decent Uptown Boy instead.
Em & Lo