Dear Em & Lo,
I have a friend with benefits who also has other friends with benefits. One of them called me on the phone last night and was threatening me. I called him right up and he apologized and said he would talk to her about it, but should I just let it go? I don’t know anything about their relationship, but I know that he is very honest with me and he is a great friend. I just don’t like thinking that I am something he is trying to hide. Is it maybe time to sit down and “talk”? One of the things I really like about this relationship is that we don’t talk about our feelings and we don’t get into these intense relationship conversations: it is just an easy, fun friendship. I just don’t like the thought that I am going to be getting phone calls from his other “friends” when I am trying to get my beauty rest.
–Betty Booty
Dear BB,
Some people like to think that the first rule of Booty Call Club is, you don’t talk about Booty Call Club. But just because you’re not in a serious relationship doesn’t mean you don’t get to have some ground rules. Being friends with benefits is a kind of relationship, and all relationships — with your friends, with your family, with your hair stylist — require some degree of maintenance. There’s no need to get all heavy on your FWB and tell him, “We need to talk” — but you are allowed to ask him how many other women are in his current rotation.
Of course, he may well tell you it’s none of your business, in which case you’re free to tell him that he’ll be having no more of your business. But for the sake of your sexual health, we think it’s good to know. (Especially because, in our experience, guys who are less than scrupulous when it comes to the heart and mind aspect of relationships also tend to be less than scrupulous when it comes to the genitals part.)
But more importantly than that, it sounds to us like your FWB is not as footloose and booty-free as he might have let you believe. And this you definitely have a right to know about. It’s one thing to have crazy hot commitment-free sex with a booty buddy — but it’s a whole other thing to be “the other woman” and not know it. Just because you don’t want a relationship with this guy doesn’t mean you’re up for being a home-wrecker. And it sounds to us like you might just be the other woman…or at least, someone out there thinks you’re the other woman. And really, what’s the diff?
Your friends, no benefits,
Em & Lo
