We usually don’t dignify the crazies with a response, but we just can’t let this one go: A string of reader responses got us so infuriated that we decided to dedicate an entire column to setting him straight (no pun intended). We’ve edited his comments for space and readability while maintaining their warped content and spirit:
Hey Em & Lo,
What will happen when a straight couple who’s used a strap-on splits up? After months of penetration and a subsequent break up, where is the guy going to satisfy his newly acquired desire to be penetrated? It is not easy to find another woman that would want to do this to a guy. Yes, online it appears all women do it, but in real life, most women would be horrified at the idea of using a strap on on their BF and would make fun of a guy who enjoys getting penetrated. So it will take time and effort to find another woman like that.
In the meantime, with whom is this man going to talk about his desire to be penetrated? To his straight friends? I do not think so. To his female friends? Not unless they are strap-on girls, which is highly unlikely. Will he talk to homosexual guys about the issue, not because he himself is homosexual, but because they have something in common? Will he someday allow a man to penetrate him even though he still considers himself straight because he does not like men, because he thinks “It’s basically just the same thing as a strap on.”
Let me make an analogy: After a few years in a war zone becoming desensitized to guns and killing and shooting humans, a normal citizen could end up becoming a criminal. Now, not all men are secret criminals. A guy might not be genetically predisposed to become a criminal, but the the trauma of being in a military situation that involves weapons training combined with his confusion, weakness, stress and financial issues might make him prone to falling into a life of crime.
Similarly, a guy can become desensitized by getting dominated with a strap on. I am not saying that a straight man that gets done with a strap on will automatically become gay (unless he is already gay, a closeted homosexual or a feminine guy learning he likes that). What I am saying is that man, once alone, without the GF that used to bend him over, will still crave being penetrated. The guy in question might not become gay because he was a secret gay man, he might become gay because he needed to satisfy a need (penetration) that developed from a risky experiment with a girl that he wanted to try it with or that once asked him to bend over. Once the defense mechanisms are gone, he might end up somewhere he never intended nor wanted to be.
Women seem to play with bisexuality like a game, they go in and out of it with no real consequences. But men are different: a man that plays with homosexuality never goes back like women do. By bending a man over for her pleasure, she’s not necessarily turning that man into a homosexual, but yes, she’s taking him to the doorstep of that road. Does she have the right to do so? I think these women are destroying a human being just for the sake of their fantasy. If it was a married couple, I see no problem: the woman has the commitment to stay with the end product of her making. But if it is just a BF/GF thing, guys beware, you might end up becoming a completely different person. Would you turn gay? Not necessarily, but by parallel destinations, you might end up in gay guys’ company, the only ones able to hear you once you are alone.
All I am saying is that it is a ride with no return. Once you are used to being penetrated, you will never go back from that.
— James
Hey James,
It’s time to bend over. Not for a strap-on session, but for a spanking! Because you’ve been a very naughty boy, tainting our usually thoughtful comments section with your own brand of crazy. But don’t worry, we promise you won’t become a reluctant BDSM lifestyler from our walloping…
There are several holes (oh man, the puns are effortless) in your argument. But before we begin poking at them, let’s all agree that we are not talking about repressed homosexuals who are in denial about their sexual orientation. Okay then:
First, you cannot compare an otherwise well-adjusted person’s experience with intense military combat involving the massacre of human beings that results in post-traumatic stress disorder to a pleasant, consensual sexual experience between well-adjusted adults. In the simplest terms: the former is bad, the latter is good. One is outside the realm of healthy human experiences; the other is well within the realm of healthy sexual experimentation with someone you trust.
Second, if some people were so desperate for a specific sex act after a break-up — let’s say, oral sex — then by your argument, there would be many more cases where otherwise well-adjusted people felt compelled to turn to their golden retrievers for their similar licking abilities. We’re not saying this hasn’t happened in the history of sex and pets, but that’s not a legitimate, reasonable or logical reason for people to avoid cunnilingus or fellatio altogether with partners they care about.
(In fact, you inadvertently make butt sex sound soooooo enjoyable — enjoyable enough that it would drive people to extreme lengths — that we’re sure you’ve convinced a few people to see what they’ve been missing out on.)
Third, if you’re a decidedly straight guy who enjoys anal play but suddenly finds himself without a female partner, there’s no need to go against every sexual instinct you’ve experienced since childhood and suddenly go gay: you can simply choose from a plethora of butt-safe toys to replicate the sensation during masturbation. You might even find that watching it happen to someone else whilst you masturbate is enough – you really won’t know you try. There are plenty of videos on sites like TubeV Sex that you can attempt this with. Sheesh.
Fourth, while you say not every guy would automatically start engaging in homosexual acts, you suggest that bum-loving is a ride you can never get off. We will happily admit that some people may try a sexual activity, enjoy it thoroughly, and then want to include in their repertoire on a regular basis from then on. Everyone has their preferences. But to suggest that once you go “back” you can never go back — no matter who you are — is ludicrous. Plenty of people are happy to try new things, enjoy them, but then can take them or leave them. Again, the average person could certainly go without, due to a breakup or an unwilling partner they cared about. And plenty of guys will try strap-on sex and not like it (believe it or not!).
Fifth, you talk about women who enjoy wearing strap-ons with their male partners as if they were all master sexual manipulators stripping men of all willpower and masculinity without a care for anything but their own sexual fantasies and satisfaction. Um, it takes two to tango. If a guy doesn’t want his backdoor knocked on, there’s no way his girlfriend is somehow sneaking in a strap-on dildo. Even if his girlfriend is Angelina Jolie.
Speaking of masculinity, if you think being penetrated is feminine, then you’re sexist. If you think enjoying anal play is gay, then you’re a homophobe. And we don’t tolerate either around these here 21st-century parts. As we’ve said before, nerve endings aren’t gay or straight, people are. Sex is all about context, which is why almost no women get turned on by tampon insertion. You engage in sexual activities with people you are attracted to — that’s a large part of what makes them enjoyable. If you’re not attracted to the person on a primal level, you’re not going to enjoy the sex. So if you’re not into guys, you’re not going to enjoy one of them intimately massaging your prostate. But if you’re into girls, then you very well may like having one travel down your hershey highway, because it’s chockful of nerves that respond to stimulation (the right kind of stimulation, whatever that is for you).
All this is not to say that for some people sexual orientation is not fluid. Many people are bisexual, of course. And there’s nothing wrong with experimenting with partners you trust, whether they fall in line with your current sexual orientation or not. Would that make you gay? Only if you want it to. The range of sexual activity is so wide that we believe you should define yourself however you see fit, even if it’s not neatly black or white. It’s your sexual identity — own it. So please don’t go poo-poo-ing others for wanting to play around with sexual roles. That’s usually where they can broaden their horizons, see how ridiculous some of the assumptions they have about sex or gender roles are, and have the most fun!
Now go blow it out your arse,
Em & Lo
“if you think being penetrated is feminine, then you’re sexist. If you think enjoying anal play is gay, then you’re a homophobe.”
I thought the reply was very fair and balanced apart from the following part:
“Speaking of masculinity, if you think being penetrated is feminine, then you’re sexist.”
Well being penetrated IS the feminine side of sex, whether it’s politically correct to say so or not.
“If you think enjoying anal play is gay, then you’re a homophobe.”
From such a good and reasonable argument to resorting to name calling.
Just what is a “homophobe” anyway? Someone who’s terrified at the thought of gay sex? Or a weapon to accuse a heterosexual male with someone who does not like the idea of gay sex for himself?
I do not like the idea of ever having gay sex, does that make me a homophobe? Does that mean I’m not welcome to post? If so then you are discriminating against people on account of their sexuality.
Otherwise a good article.
I agree with this post wholeheartedly
There is not “whether it’s politically correct to say so or not”, it’s feminine according to your cathegories and definitions though very common, or I could accuse you to refusing the idea of being homophobe because it’s not politically correct toward you and those who have this idea, because the argument is similar. I’m not saying that it’s homophobic to think so, neither to be turned off to the idea of straight sex (with a man and a woman) just penetrative to the guy, it’s just a preference, though if the origin is associating it with gay sex it can be discussed.
I agree that progressiveness can sometimes be tribal and dismissive, and people like you might feel kicked out of the progressive club, because that happens when it lacks nuance. It might be a nuance of homophobia, which has to be clearly distinguished from malicious homophobia.
Like the misunderstanding of “do I have to like homosexuality? I like women”, and people like this might end up with really homophobic people and feel understood, while the point would be just not hating on gay people, not liking homosexuality more than gay people would like heterosexuality.
Imho it’s feminine only if you identify it as such and there would be nothing wrong, but is there nothing archetypically feminine in you and masculine on your girlfriends? Most women would be “masculine” today by 1950’s standards, as many might share at least some of these characteristics, being independent, assertive, short hair, wearing pants, oxfords, brogues or similar “men shoes”, or shoes now neutral.
I love the responses from people who understand how wrong James is and why. Like Bonnie–right on, sister!
I am a straight man who LOVES anal play. I crave it. It has nothing to do with sexual orientation. I fantasize about a WOMAN nailing my ass. I always have, always will. Men don’t do anything for me. I’m so glad that people are getting over the sexist and homophobic myths. Butt sex is straight if you’re straight. Just enjoy what you enjoy and stop categorizing and judging and creating false myths about sexuality.
Ok, I’ll throw my two cents in. A number of years ago a woman told me that the reason that guys enjoy watching videos of girls going down on dick is because psychologically, the guy imagines himself being that girl, not because they identify with the guy.
I became determined that I would try to suck a cock and see if she was right. She was wrong, I had no desire to suck a cock and in my experimenting, I found out that I had no sexual desire watsoever to be in physical contact with a man. The act of touching and being touched by a man was physically repulsive to me. Now that being said, I had a very interesting expeince with a man who was gay. I had gotten naked with him and nothing exicting had happened and we both gave up. I was getting ready to get dressed and he came into his bedroom with a solid brass bottle-opener that had been made from a mold of a man’s erect cock. It was seven inches long, solid brass and heavy. I forget the exact conversation, but he wanted to fuck me with it. The whole thing was so bizarre, I was so stunned by the turn of events that I agreed for some reason. I lie back on the bed and begin to masturbate as he sits there and greases this thing up and starts putting the tip against my anus. Now, I had never been involved in anal play before, so this whole process was a good 40 minutes of the tip of this thing slowly opening me up, sometimes touches of pain and sometimes a bizarre thrill of the unknown. He knew enough to never thrust it into me, he just waited while my hole started to open and accept. I was masturbating and slowly fucking myself onto this metal cock. Writhing, pulling back, moaning until after a long time i felt its head pop in and its length slid deep into me. Then slowly but surely he began to fuck me with the brass cock. I was moaning and sighing with each stroke touching me in places nothing had ever touched me before. I’m not sure how long the fucking lasted, maybe 15 minutes. It was absolutely amazing and I came screaming as this thing pounded me and pounded me.
Over time, I met with this man dozens of times and was thoroughly fucked. Eventually we drifted appart (more me just having other involvements than anything else). It’s been a few years since the last time. Never in that period of time have I had a desire to have gay sex with a man.
Being opened up anally and fucked with a toy was a great experience, I’m glad I did it, and my friend enjoyed doing it to me. But I also learned that I had no attraction to men. So I wouldnt worry about being turned gay by a strapon boning or two.
Ok, so I came on here to figure something out, and some of the posts have really helped me but last night, this guy that I have been seeing for a while were hooking up and I slid a finger in his butthole, only because he had told me when I first met him that he owns a strap on and butt plugs, so I thought I should try penetrate him with my finger. He totally loved it. I then went ahead and slid in a vibrator and he went NUTS! Now, two things, he works at a his family owned gay bar as a manager and he is way too sexy and manly to be gay. But all my girlfriends and guys are convincing me that he is totally gay. I wouldnt have any issues with him being gay at all but I am just curious, he gets so turned on by me, we have like AMAZING sex, but he takes a while to cum, could that be because he isnt that turned on by a woman?? This is all so new to me, and I really like him. I dont mind kinky sex, but what if hes being bent over at work, and then coming home to me? But I am just so nervous that he might be gay, should I ask him?? Or do some men just maybe enjoy the penetration???
he made a lot of good points and yet u pass it off as some kind of lunatic’s rant. instead of disproving anything he said u poked fun at him and gave ur OPINIONS on the matter.
wat i find funny bout this is ur clearly being 1 sided and closed minded as well as most of the ppl replying. kinda odd coming from a group like this. but i guess if his ideas dont match up with urs its straght ludicay huh
seems to me ur just promoting ur lifestyle and couldnt care less bout anything that could make ppl think twice about it.
Turning all against one is an art that’s hard to teach. — Offspring
Somehow, this fits.
I have to say, reading the posts that you all had left entertained me for hours (but not really. more like minutes). Im not going to voice my opinion on the subject matter, but I will say that for anyone (including James) trying to argue their point, the low-blows and stabs take all credibility from the entire post. Also, I have noticed that the longer posts also try to use big words to make a better argument when, really, the misspelling of simple words pretty much steals the attention.
James, you make good points and you make bad points. The same goes for anyone on the opposite side. What you all have severe issues with is keeping it to a civilized exchange of information, key points, etc. Seriously? Insults only make you sound like an insecure person who uses big words to sound important. On top of that, it makes it so you all have no idea what you’re trying to say. With the exception of the personal experience posts.
So I guess what I’ve been trying to say is that attacking is immature and cannot be taken seriously. Next time, try to make a good argument instead of bitch-slapping each other.
Yes, I realize I call out James a few times, but this whole forum is about his article, and there are too many names for me to put into this post. I don’t mean to offend anyone, I just wanted to give advice to the people who really want to debate and not fight.
ok I’ve read through most of the discussions. I often fantasize and have even tried to push my member off to the size and tried to have strap on intercourse with my g/f. she wont allow it. i tell her all i want her to do is have it her way and to really get into it with out me finishing first. and of course to try something new. has anyone else tried this or am i just weird?
Nb,
I partially agree with you. Strapon sex for a man has different reasons. (1) It could be just for the pleasure received through the nerves. (2) It could also be for submissive reasons. (3) It could also be because he internally is bisexual but society forbids him from knowing this. In case 3, he would most likely find out that he is bisexual or gay.
Even in cases 1 and 2 he might be bisexual too, but he still does not know so. He might be looking for a woman just because she is feminine (not because she has a pussy). That is, a feminine man or a transgendered woman may turn him on the same as a genetic woman. That happened with me. I had some flirting once with a TG and it was a big turn on for me.
I have been crossdressing and masterbating anally since I was 11 years old. My last two girl friends, and I think possibly my next girl friend to be, all loved wearing strap ons. I tried being with a man once in my life and it was such a big turn off I have never tried again. I wonder how James would explain that phenomenah.
my boyfriend loves bumplay, and he’s all man 😉
Theres a difference between finding a man attractive and taking it in the ass and liking it… but either way your still gay!
Your prostrate is the most sensitive glan in your body, and if stimulating it brings yyou pleasure then so be it, but don’t be open about it unless your ready to be labeled!
I think that if a guy really likes to get penetrated, and he pursues it whether with toys or strap-ons with his girl, don’t you think there’s a chance he might think he wants to try it with other guys? I did! I’ve been trying to figure out whether I should seriously classify myself as bi for a long time. When I was in my teens I started to experiment with penetrating myself, loved it, and now I need it, a lot! I use toys mostly but yes I have let a few guys get behind me a poke me. I am much more attracted to women and love to fuck them. But I must say that if you like being penetrated, penises are made for that people and if you try a real penis you’ll find out that they feel a little bit different than toys or strap ons! Yes nerve endings don’t have orientations, but penises penetrate and I can say that if you’re a guy that finds out you really like it, you might try men to find out you liked it, and pursue it again and again. That’s me and I don’t really care, it’s just something I’ve learned to accept. Yes, I like it up the butt and I will take advantage of an opportunity for the real thing if I get the chance. So did experimenting make me gay or bi?
Hello,
I just came across this site after this blog.
I believe James is partially right; specifically when he mentioned that strap on sex has a side problem if the couple breaks up. And the reason is clear: Few women have the will to go for it, and if a man suggests this sex type, she will have automatically all the labels about him in her head, from gay, to sissy, to slave, …
If women who are into strap on sex love it for itself, not for other things in mind, I don’t think they would have this view of strap on sex.
The problem does exist, and that’s why many of the men who love to be penetrated seek lesbians thinking they could have something in common.
I think it is time to free up sexuality. It’s not wrong to be on the receiving end, because there is no giving without receiving, so they are both important. Likewise, it is not wrong to be submissive, and by the way, strap on sex need not make the person submissive beyond the bed!