The 8 Guys You’ll Find on Tinder (And the One You Won’t)

Whether you’re brand new to Tinder or you’ve downloaded the app, used it, deleted it, and re-downloaded 100 more times, chances are you’ve come across these common straight male characters on the popular dating (read: hook-up) app:

1. The “Nice Guy”
A typical Tinder description is “I’m a nice guy” or “I’ve been told I’m a nice guy.” The nice guy usually gets angry if you don’t respond to a message right away or won’t send him nudes — but remember, he’s one of the nice ones. The take-away: If he has to clarify that he’s a nice guy on his dating profile, he’s probably actually not that nice.

2. Your Close Friend
As soon as he comes up, you immediately swipe left or close the app entirely in utter humiliation.  While everyone uses Tinder, the troubling double standard endures that women on it are considered either desperate or nymphomaniacal. He’ll probably screenshot your picture and tease you for a couple weeks. Or he’ll keep casually bringing Tinder up in conversation with friends while you stare at your feet, hoping he won’t publicly reveal your secret shame (even though you have nothing to be ashamed of!). 

3. The One in Town for 24 Hours
A classic pickup line: “I’m in town for 24 hours and I’m looking for someone to show me around.” Meaning “I’m looking for someone to show me around their genitalia.” At least with this guy, you know exactly what you’re getting: a sex rental with no option to buy. Still, it’s always a bit awkward when you realize his distance never changes.

4. The Topless Man
These are the guys with the perfect abs. Ah, so pretty, so tempting. But if you’re looking for something deeper than a petri dish, move on. They’ve spent more time perfecting their benching technique than they have their sexual technique. And “stimulating conversation” is not in their vocabulary: the most you’ll get is a “hey cutie ;)” or a “dtf.”

5. The Creep You’ve Been Avoiding
You go on Tinder to find your crush, but only end up finding the weirdo at the gym who’s been crushing on you. You’ve been avoiding his creepy stares for two months and then there he is, staring at you again, this time through your phone screen. And there’s nothing you can do about it. Except take a scalding hot shower.

6. The One Who Wants You to Message First
“Girls who message first are a turn on” conveniently puts the all pressure on you (while belying his laziness). Does he want a quirky pickup line or a simple hello? The onus on you will make you unnecessarily overthink this. Or else you’ll just be so annoyed at being told what to do that what could have potentially been the beginning of a beautiful relationship won’t even be given a second glance by you. 

7. Your Ex
It’s awkward to come across your ex in real life — and Tinder’s no better. Whether you miss him or not, now you know 1) he’s on the prowl on Tinder, 2) he knows you’re on the prowl on Tinder, and 3) he’s thinking about you. But what you don’t know is what exactly he’s thinking about you: “She looks good” or “I miss her” or “That’s not a very flattering picture” or “pathetic Tinder whore!” (see #2 for aforementioned self-induced double standard). You’ll continue scrolling but won’t really see any of the other guys because in your mind you’ll be replaying your entire relationship from start to finish while wondering why your ex suddenly looks so much more handsome than when you two were dating.

8. The One Holding a Fish
A typical image of cliche masculinity. He caught a fish, just like he’s going to catch you! Get it? (Gross.) If you’ve been on Tinder for a day, then you’ve probably seen at least 30 of these pictures already — and they all look exactly the same.

The One Guy You Won’t Find: Swiping through Tinder trying to find your crush or that cutie from Starbucks? He’s guaranteed not to come up. You’ll go through the 8 other typical guys for hours and end up nowhere. If you want to ask your crush out, you’re going to have to do it the hard way: in person, without a smartphone, using your actual vocal chords. We know: that’s terrifying enough to drive you right back onto Tinder.

This article was cowritten with the help of our fabulous intern, who wishes to remain anonymous. 

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