Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (Chad Obliterates a Yam)

Last night’s episode of The Bachelorette could have (should have) just been the first group date in its entirety: a live storytelling event in front of an audience wherein each guy had to divulge some secret personal sex story. Wells apparently had a hilarious threesome story (complete with a fart punchline!), but we only got the smallest, teasingest taste of their revelations. After all, the editors had to make room for Neanderthal Man’s (Chad’s) incessant working out, calorie counting and “villing.” (We would have preferred more sex show, less Pumping Iron.) Still, two hours of any Bachelorette is always enough from which to glean some important lessons on love and life:

1. Don’t be a litterbug on a date. 
Leaving a trail of trash behind you — food on the floor of the restaurant, empty popcorn tubs in the aisles of a movie theater, toilet paper in the trees of the mansion you’re staying at while going on a series of nationally televised dates — just because it’s “someone else’s job to clean that up” does not elevate your social status (or help the economy by creating said jobs). It just proves you’re a self-centered ass with little respect for other people whom you deem inferior to yourself. It was a funny, gimmicky shot to see host Chris Harrison cleaning up the toilet paper in the harsh light of day for a whopping two seconds, but make no mistake that some underling had to do the bulk of cleaning up after these supposedly grown-men.  If this is how they leave the Bachelor/ette mansion, imagine how they’ll leave a bathroom they have to share with their future partners!


2. Engage in hot and heavy make-out sessions that go nowhere. One of the great things about The Bachelor/ette is that it’s one of the few scenarios where adults can have a great date that ends in a serious makeout session without any pressure for it to escalate to the next level. In the real world, after spending the day together — doing sweaty yoga, bonding over shared experiences, vulnerably admitting to past heartbreak, dancing, picnicking, drinking and parking in a secluded spot — many young adults might find it tempting (and often, sadly, obligatory) to have sex right away. In today’s hookup culture where sex often precedes emotional intimacy, why wait? But waiting can build erotic tension, help you avoid regret later, and basically make you feel like a hormone-addled teenager again, complete with butterflies and blue balls (hey, they’re not always a bad thing!). Try denying yourself a bit for a change, because good things can come to those who wait.


3. First and second dates aren’t supposed to be bullshit factories. We get it: early on, you want to put your best foot forward, project the best version of yourself possible. But that does not mean you should blow smoke up your date’s ass about who you are as a person. Hey Jordan, King of the Undercuts, did you really put things like your career ahead of your relationship, or was the actual problem that you cheated? Hey Grant, the Guy Smiley of Fire Fighters, are you really looking for love, because we heard you already had it in spades but then dropped it like a steaming bag of poo for a chance to be on The Bachelorette to help promote your modeling career…? Hey Chad, Mr. Meat Whisperer, if “super personal” questions about past experiences and life values aren’t appropriate for first or second dates, then what, pray tell, makes for good get-to-know conversation: how many calories you’ve ingested, how much you bench pressed, and how many T-shirts you’ve ripped in a blind rage today?  You don’t need to overshare or wade into dangerous TMI territory on early dates, but you should, at the very least, keep it real.


4. Friends don’t let friends be super douches. You’ve got to hand it to Canadian Adam Levine (Daniel) for trying to break through Chad’s cloudy ‘roid haze with a common sense call for human decency. And he did it, not aggressively or dismissively like all the other guys in the house (which would have only caused Gristle Dick to double down on the douchiness), but as delicately and gently as possible. Of course for Daniel, that meant interrupting Chad while he was making sweet, sweet love to a sweet potato and saying, “Let’s just pretend you’re Hitler…” which spawned perhaps one of the best lines in Bachelor/ette history: “Let’s not pretend I’m Hitler.” Hey, friend-interventions aren’t perfect, but at least the poor man’s Justin Trudeau tried. Because if you stand by and let your friend become a door-punching, insult-spewing hate-volcano over a love interest without saying anything, then you’re no friend at all.


5. There’s a fine line between standing up for what’s right and making a self-righteous scene — don’t cross it. Once again, we hate to say it — and I mean we really hate to say it — but Bloated Tick (Chad) did have a point when he told 90s Goatee (Evan) “Leave me alone man, stay away, do your own thing.” As Evan immaturely explained to the camera, “I could avoid him…but I don’t want to.” As the oldest guy there (at a veritably geriatric 33) and the only one with kids to set an example for, Duckie should know better than to continually prod the gorilla with a stick: he mockingly made Chad the focus of his story in front of the live audience instead of sharing something personal about himself, he confronted him in front of all the guys at the group date, he gave JoJo a controlling him-or-me ultimatum, and he told on Chad to Chris Harrrison after producers had already installed security guards to keep Chad’s white knuckles in check. In fact, the self-proclaimed good guys who let Chad get under their skin are the ones who literally go looking for fights with him (we’re looking at you, Alex). Neither aggro meatheads nor self-righteous fire-starters should take the phrase “All’s fair in love and war” to heart.


Should what happens in the fantasy stay in the fantasy suite?
When One Man Broke the Rules of “The Bachelorette”