Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Do most guys think they can tell a faked orgasm from a real one? Do they even care? Are they just happy to be blissfully ignorant? Like they’d rather believe a faked orgasm than know she didn’t really have one? And if so, why?”
Straight Single Guy (L.A. Chris): Every guy will lie and say he can tell the difference, but usually we can’t, and we don’t really want to know the truth anyway. Ninety-nine percent of the time, a guy will believe he caused a real orgasm, and even if he has reason to doubt it, he won’t try too hard to investigate. It’s deeply satisfying to our ego, and with most women perpetuating the myth, it’s only a small percentage of lousy actors and honest women who burst the bubble for us.
Gay Single Guy (Angelo Nikolopoulos): As a gay man who thinks that sex sans an orgasm is as counterproductive as eating a Twinkie on a treadmill, faking an orgasm has always been an enigma of sorts to me. I imagine it must be as tiresome as pretending to enjoy a friend’s failed culinary attempt, theatrically helping yourself to seconds. But let’s face it, failed sex is like a bad pot roast: unless you’re Meryl Streep, no one around the table’s fooled. If anything, good lovers are like good friends: supportive, gentle, and never wary of pointing out your innumerable flaws. Unless you’re willing to take one for the team, there’s no reason to mask the obvious.
Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): I don’t think it’s that easy to tell the difference between a fake orgasm and a real one. One reason for that is both porn and mainstream movie orgasms tend to be over the top loud and dramatic compared to actual real ones. So a better way to pose the question might be whether guys can tell a real orgasm from a faked one?!
As for whether guys even care? I sincerely hope so. While I think that, contrary to the dogmatic “she comes first” attitudes of the ’70s and ’80s, it shouldn’t be men’s responsibility to produce their partner’s orgasms, although it’s still really, really important to take an active interest in your partner’s enjoyment. And to do whatever you can to help each other get there. It’s not just that you’re selfish and rude if you don’t care, it’s that you’re missing half the enjoyment yourself!
I’ll say one thing, though. I used to be pretty arrogant, almost fetishistic, about giving every partner an orgasm every time. Which paradoxically just added a lot of performance pressure to each of us. When I finally learned to back off, I learned that not every partner has an orgasm every time… but I could be a lot more confident that the ones they had were real.
Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Guy is Angelo Nikolopoulos, host of an NYC queer reading series The White Swallow, and our Straight Married Guy is Figleaf, the guy behind RealAdultSex.com. To ask the guys your own question, click here.
