Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes. This week, we take inspiration from the big holiday movie this season: a remake of the 1982 classic Annie. We have yet to see the new version — though we have high hopes, except for Cameron Diaz as Miss Hannigan — so all the horoscopes below come from the beloved 1982 version of the film.
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Daddy Warbucks: Wait! There’s something interesting in that woman’s smile. I might learn to like her. Hang her in my bathroom.
Translation: Give someone a second chance to make a first impression this week.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Grace: You love money and power and capitalism? You know they’re never going to love you back.
Translation: Love and power and capitalism will never love you back.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Annie: The sun’ll come out, tomorrow, so you gotta hang on till tomorrow. Come what may. Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow. You’re only a day away.
Translation: Have you heard of Tinder, by any chance? Keep swiping, baby!
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Daddy Warbucks: Your teeth are crooked.
Grace: I’ll get them fixed.
Daddy Warbucks: I like them crooked.
Grace: I’ll leave ’em.
Translation: Don’t go changing, because you’ll eventually find someone who loves you just the way you are.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Annie: I didn’t want to be just another orphan, Mr. Warbucks. I wanted to believe I was special.
Daddy Warbucks: You are special! Never stop believing that!
Translation: Don’t let the cheating bastards get you down.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Miss Hannigan: What are you just standing around here for? You’re supposed to clean the bathroom and the kitchen before lunch, my little pig droppings, and if you skip the corners, there will be no lunch.
Translation: Trying to find the love of your life can sometimes feel like a full-time job with no pay. But the effort will pay off soon.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Orphans: It’s the hard knock life for us / Steada treated… we get tricked! / Steada kisses… we get kicked! / It’s the hard knock life!
Translation: When your Tinder date kicks you in the heart instead of kissing you on the lips, remember that life is a song if you know how to sing it. Aka The worst dates make the best stories. And, hey, it could be worse: You could be an orphan during the Depression, too.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Miss Hannigan: Some women are drippin’ with diamonds / Some women are drippin’ with pearls / Lucky me, lucky me, look at what I’m drippin’ with / Little girls!
Translation: If you hang out with only losers, you’ll end up dating losers, and if you date only losers, you might marry one. Change your scene before it’s too late and you end up drinking alone in your bathtub.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Annie: I don’t need sunshine now to turn my skies to blue. I don’t need anything but you.
Translation: Lucky you, you’ve found someone to cuddle with during this long, cold winter season. Make sure you don’t accidentally screw things up after a couple of eggnogs at the holiday party!
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Annie: Girls are easier to get used to than boys.
Translation: If you’re struggling to find the perfect match for you, maybe the problem isn’t in the people you’re meeting, but in your search criteria. Perhaps you don’t even know what your perfect match looks like. Consider widening your search and be open to surprises.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Grace: How would you like to spend a week with Mr. Warbucks at his house?
Translation: Be prepared to be swept off your feet. And also: Feel free to use the term “Daddy Warbucks” during dirty talk this week.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Annie: When my folks left me at the orphanage ten years ago, they left a note saying they’d come back to get me as soon as they could, and they kept the other half of this old locket so I’d know them when they came.
Translation: People lie! People break promises! People don’t always mean what they say. Especially in the pursuit of sex. People disappear, people stop calling, people Tinder under the table during first dates. People can be assholes. Move on, little lamb, before you get hurt anymore.
