aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Self-deception is highly likely this week. Question your — and your partner’s — motives. Otherwise, you may find yourself in a love triangle. Your New Year’s resolution: Give up geometry. You were never good at math. taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) The stars say that you’ll find your groove this week. Your […]
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Resolve to ask yourself these questions before having sex in 2016 1. Do I really want to have sex? 2. Do I care if I never see them again? 3. Do I know their last name? 4. What was that they just said? 5. Do I have a condom? 6. Would […]
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Some people really know how to put the “sex” into “quality time with your loved ones this holiday season.” Like Mariah Carey, for instance. Or another for instance — you! All you want for Christmas is to get your freak on. And your holiday dream may well come true… so long […]
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) If only we had looked really hard in the mirror back when we feathered our bangs and wore side ponytails; if only we had questioned the practicality of all those snaps on the Members Only Jackets. We were just so quick to jump on the bandwagon, we didn’t realize we were […]
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) These aren’t sex toys: Friends, neighbors, coworkers, pets. Stick with your own hand. taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) Do not jump the fence. The grass under your feetsies Is fertile and green. gemini (May 21st-June 21st) The leaf told the tree, “I’ll fall off when I’m ready.” Don’t pull leaves off trees. […]
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) You’re so hot this week you sizzle like a giant Butter Ball. Telephone the person that you’ve been admiring and let him or her know that you’re interested. But don’t call Thursday and disturb their Thanksgiving dinner. Wait until Friday. Friday is a good day. taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) You don’t […]
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Sometimes a straight-up, no-BS approach to seduction is more effective than all the rules and bouquets and notes passed in class. In fact, as a general rule, we recommend the straight-up, no-BS approach all the time. Avoid cheeseball lines and just say what you’re thinking — assuming that what you’re thinking […]
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Focus on joining worthy causes this week and someone special will notice. Yeah, aren’t you smart? Make it look like you’re spreading sunshine and doing your bit for the community, when all you really care about is getting laid. It’s the double whammy: You impress them because you’re out there saving […]
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) If there was a recommended daily allowance of sexual energy, then you’d be eating fifteen bowls a day of Booty Flakes this week. Don’t O.D. taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) Don’t mix business with pleasure this week. The gossip-mongers by the water cooler are hungry for fresh meat. You could be the […]
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) What’s the hurry? Take your time and get to know a potential partner a little before considering becoming intimate. In the meantime, bob for apples without using your teeth to practice for the oral sex to come later. taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) Being a stickler about guests wearing costumes to the […]
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) You charmer, you. You’re generating enough heat to melt another iceberg. Stock up while it lasts — it’s going to be a long, chilly winter and you’re going to need the material. taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)gemini (May 21st-June 21st) Drink martinis (shaken, not stirred), practice your witty repartee (Hottie: “Hi, Justin […]
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Instead of wasting your time on someone who doesn’t make you happy, waste your time on yourself. Work on improving the good and overcoming the bad. You probably won’t be able to undo years of neuroses and the countless ways your parents screwed you up, but at least making the effort […]
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Being a slut…er…playing the field will be your M.O. this week. But be careful: Anyone you “lead on” this week will come a’calling next week with bells on. Literally. They’ll have little jingle bells sewn onto their sleeves. You’ll be able to hear them coming from a mile away so you […]
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Concentrate on making money rather than on making sweet love. But when you think about it, what’s the difference? taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) A friend or relative will introduce you to someone new and (keep your fingers crossed) interesting. Of course, this could mean you’ll be meeting your Aunt Myrna’s renowned […]
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Kink is relative. (We think Freud said that.) For some, all it takes to spice things up is doing it before “Top Chef” instead of after. Others find themselves struggling to break out of the routine of the same old purple leather gimp suit, day in, day out. You may never […]
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) “To the noble mind / Rich gifts wax poor when givers prove unkind.” (III, i) taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) “This is the very ecstasy of love.” (II, i) gemini (May 21st-June 21st) “There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, / Than are dreamt up in your philosophy.” (I, v) […]
