Astrological New Year’s Resolutions 2016

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Self-deception is highly likely this week. Question your — and your partner’s — motives. Otherwise, you may find yourself in a love triangle. Your New Year’s resolution: Give up geometry. You were never good at math.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
The stars say that you’ll find your groove this week. Your New Year’s resolution: Make sure you’ve got a fabulous party to attend and aren’t wasting all that grooviness on dancing with yourself. Oh, oh, oh, oh, dancing with yourself.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
The stars can be so high and mighty — but that’s because they’re so far away. They see the big picture, they see what’s important. Unlike you, who can only see the total hottie in front of (or sitting on) your face. But be warned, falling for someone just for their looks will only end up biting you in the butt (regardless of whether your hottie is into heiney hickeys). Your New Year’s resolution: Be deeper than a kiddie pool.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Did you ever play Frogger on Atari when you were a wee thing? On one of the levels, you had to jump from moving lily pad to moving lily pad as quickly as possible without biting it big-time before you reached the next level. This week, you’re the frog, and every lily pad is a person you’ll meet. The only difference is . . . okay, one of the many differences is that should you land on a comfy lily pad you like, take your coat off, stay a while, and use a condom. Your New Year’s resolution: don’t waste your life playing video games.


leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
According to the stars you need to get up, get moving, and stay moving to find and keep your soulmate. Your New Year’s resolution: Make like Olivia Newton John and get a little exercise. Spandex optional. The stars aren’t entirely clear why this is a particularly good week (or year) for you to work out; we’re guessing it’s cliche new year advice. But hey, rock-hard abs are rock-hard abs.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
When we look at your week, Virgo, one phrase comes to mind: “Charming the pants off.” ‘Tis the season for you to be getting boo-tay! And it’s not just ’cause everyone’s too hungover from the holidays to care who they get lucky with, we swear. You’re sparkling like your jacket is still lined with holiday lights, and everyone’s going to be lining up to sit on your knee and whisper in your ear what they really want but didn’t get this holidays season. Turns out Santa didn’t put out this year — you can make up for that now in January. Your New Year’s resolution: Let it all flow — the booze, the compliments, the sweet talking. Just let it flow. And carry condoms everywhere.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You’ll be very popular this week — we’re talking Adele popular, the new iPhone popular, even the BB-8 Droid from Star Wars popular. You just have to get out and mingle. That means going to every party you’re invited to in 2016, as well as the ones you wish you were invited to. Your New Year’s resolution: Party like it’s 1999!

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Woah. Buzz kill. This week, the stars advise you to consider friendship before becoming an item; apparently if you rush to a relationship, that special someone might be disappointed in you. That’s either a dis on your bedside manner, your hygiene habits, or your secret lasagna recipe that your friends always swore they loved. Whatever it is, best not to take the risk. Your New Year’s resolution: Bide your time before getting nekkid, sharing a toothbrush, or inviting them over for a candlelit dinner. And that story you love to tell about the time your toe-hairs got tangled? Can it.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Your daisy-petal-picking technique for making important romantic decisions is getting old fast. Your wishy-washy behavior will turn the person you’ve been hanging out with running in the other direction. Your New Year’s resolution: Grow a spine.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
This week, you’ll have more energy than a brand new puppy waiting for its walk. And you know how some people are dog people and others would rather piss on a fire hydrant in public than show a canine a little love? Well, the same goes for you: Your crotch-sniffing, drippy tongue act will be a little much for all the wrong people. But there’s one special person out there who’s going to just love it, and it’s gonna be just like that spaghetti scene in The Lady and the Tramp. Ain’t puppy love grand? Your New Year’s resolution: If you sense a kindred spirit in the room, go straight for the crotch. And stay off the furniture.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Remember that old Bryan Adams video? (No, not Ryan Adams, Bryan with “B” — yes, we’re that old.) Anyway, we’re talking about the video with the hottest pock-face in music standing at the bottom of an indoor pool, sans water. “Cut’s Like a Knife,” that’s it. The video had this woman change into her bathing suit, climb the ladder to the diving board, and then jump off into the concrete pool. Next we see her climb out of the pool, miraculously unscathed and soaking wet. Like magic. Still with us? Okay, you are the chick in the video. But you don’t have magical powers. So the next time you jump head first into the pool of love before checking whether or not there’s any water in it, you might end up seriously hurt. Your New Year’s resolution: Wait at least fifteen minutes after eating before you go swimming.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
It’s the curse of the shy person: People mistake your vibe for cool aloofness. Indifference may appeal to some people, like the ones who never got over being rejected by the “cool crowd” in high school and are constantly trying to rewrite their past. But most people with the basic insecurities will just think you’re not being nice to them because they’ve done something wrong or you don’t like them. Your New Year’s resolution: Make every effort to come out of that shell and prove to people you’re not a cold-hearted snake, but a warm, outgoing person with just a bit of a librarian streak.