My Husband, a Selfish Lover, Won’t Even Try to Give Me an Orgasm

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. This time, a woman finds herself married to a selfish lover. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below. 

Help! I’m Married to a Selfish Lover!

I am 25 and been with my husband for 8 years and married for 1 1/2 (we also have a toddler). First let me say that I enjoy/love pleasing him. I get off by seeing him pleased which I think is how it should be. I’m not a selfish person in bed for sure. But he is a selfish lover.

He wants sex right away, no foreplay whatsoever, and when he’s done apparently we’re both done. I have told him many times you need to be patient and get me ready for you at least! And he does for the next couple times, but then it just stops. He rarely goes down on me and it’s so frustrating! I want to be touched everywhere and be caressed from head to toe, which I know is normal! But he doesn’t touch me. I don’t understand how he doesn’t want to fully satisfy me.

After having sex yesterday he climaxed and rolled over while I just lied there craving more. I called him selfish for not making me orgasm and he said, “Well gosh, you just feel so good!” (So pretty much I made him climax fast, so I get punished by not climaxing myself.) Then he turned the other way and the snoring started.

What Should I Do?

So what do I do? I finish myself off alone while he’s in bed, which makes me feel like a teenager. I know he is turned on by me,  I definitely know that. He has a high sex drive but in a very selfish way. I don’t know if he’s scared to touch me or not sure what to do…? I tell him if he’s not sure what to do I’ll guide him, but it always goes straight to sex and that’s it. We have sex around 2 to 3 times a week. The actual sex is great but I feel so unsatisfied.

Woman with a selfish lover ends up alone.

I have actually started to think I need to get satisfied elsewhere and that scares me since I am a married woman. Part of me wants to threaten him when I’m mad about this issue, but I guess that is the wrong approach. I just wish he WANTED to do all of this naturally. It boggles the mind: after 8 years I can count on one hand the times I have received oral sex and the times he has really said “This is about you tonight,” and made me orgasm several times.

Is This My Fault?

I kind of feel bad for myself, but then I wonder, “Did I do this to myself? Is it my fault for letting this go on so long?” I feel I look good, I’m young and have a decent body and fix myself up daily, which he seems to love. But slowly, by him not going down on me and not being totally all over me, it’s making me get a bit insecure when I know I shouldn’t be.

It’s hard when I see guys looking at me and hitting on me and I have this husband at home who is afraid to make me climax! I mean, is it really that hard?

— Frustrated & Forlorn

What should F&F do about her selfish lover? Let her know in the comments below.



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Dear Em & Lo: Toys Terrify My Boyfriend

 This post has been updated.


  1. Good luck. Married 25 years. Husband stopped caring after my first child came . No foreplay and no clitoral stimulation. Got upset and tried to tell him. ….Same result as op , that he tried the next two times half heartedly. Told him a second time & then it was like I was forcing him to do something he could care less about being bothered with. Got angry and demanded that I be included and not left frustrated. Was told … Not my problem, figure it out for yourself.

  2. I’ve read so many of these comments it’s scary, I too am in the same position married 6 years together 8. I didn’t know men can be so uninterested in good sex. I thought they all went crazy for a woman who wants to be naked around them and experiment. It’s like my husband has no clue what’s happening if I even give him great foreplay. He couldn’t care less how good I blow him (and we know there are good and bad bj’s) as long as that 20 seconds where he comes happens the rest doesn’t matter. My husband does try but I have to instruct every last movement. It’s not the same, I would literally have to tell him “lick it 3 times/maybe use a finger/ try touching my boob now!” I feel like I’m doing it with a robot. And when I talked to him about me not orgasiming in years I was made to feel bad. He even had me blaming myself and excusing him, blaming my libido, and I only didnt want it because it was so bad, and made me feel unattractive and used. Now we rarely have sex, it’s the worst as I’m in my sexual prime. He doesn’t seem to care, and I can fob him off with a hand job (that’s how little he cares). I hate that i have a non existant sex life now, but I havent cried afterwards because I felt disgusting. I even questioned if he was gay, because sex was so much like a fancy wank for him. When I explained why he still didn’t get how bad it made me feel.

  3. My husband of almost 2 years does the same thing. I don’t know if I’d call it selfish, I have a good time when we are having sex but then he’s done and I’m still wanting more. Not every time but enough. When I finally got up the courage to insist that we do it again, he seemed hurt. Then got defensive when I insisted. He genuinely seemed sorry he couldn’t do it again no matter how much I tried to turn him back on… when he’s done, he’s totally done for the night. I don’t know. Is that normal? Should I get upset he can’t go another time? And yes we do a little foreplay but honestly we both are impatient to get to the really good part.

    I’m thinking about getting a vibrator to use when he is just not in the mood….but should I use it after sex too? Now I know my pleasure is important too and ya dada… but I just don’t want to hurt his feelings! I mean I obviously love him.

    1. You worry of his feelings. Same here I worry more of my husband feeling more than my own, in turn I end up frustrated and still not getting my needs met. Married 18 years and the length of sex has gotten way better but even with me telling him what I like and dont & how to do it and literally trying to show him how I do please myself. There is no interest in him ensuring I am happy in the end. It is him getting off that matters most to him. He made a remark to me few nights ago that he was gonna with hold from me and make me wait if I didnt do a BJ, which fazed me none, and he promised to get me off. I have heard that before. Still I tried it and he got his and went to sleep. SO last night he wanted it all to play out the same way. I plainly said I am getting mine first. I wanted no penetration till I got off then I would do what he wanted and needed from me. He started & 2 minutes later he was a asleep. It is lack of their interest cause it isnt them getting off right when they want it. I am not a fling. . And they are gonna continue unless ladies start demanding to get there needs met as well. They are hurting us when rejecting us this way. I hate hurting another but if after all that time he still isnt caring enough then It is time to think about our own needs alittle more. After all he can go buy a sex toy to. Loving and caring not selfishness in marriage.

  4. Wow , that sounds like my ex husband. We’d been together for around ten years.
    I’m very happy we broke up ( he wasn’t just selfish in bed). My sexlife is so much better now. My current boyfriend makes sure I come multiple times , squirt and have the time of my life. I would never settle for anything less than I deserve, again. A partnership is also about satisfying certain needs. Especially when it comes to sex.

  5. This is my life.
    I’ve got to the point where when I think about this too long I could cry. I love my boyfriend and he’s perfect in every way but that.
    I’ve told him a million times but he gives me the puppy dog eyes and I feel guilty and he then makes a massive thing of trying and it being such hard work that then no matter what he does I can’t come anyway cos I feel repulsive because I feel like he’s made a massive thing about having to touch me!
    We used to have amazing sex, like we had amazing sex for years! He did all sorts, we always experimented but then it just died!
    I haven’t given him oral for about 2 years now cos I told him I wouldn’t until he did and he just shrugs it off! Every so often he begs me to but I tell him I don’t see why I should if he won’t cos guess what I don’t like it either
    I’ve decided I’m going on a sex ban now cos wtf is the point in me having sex to finish feeling frustrated, angry and upset when that selfish guy gets to feel relieved and roll over to sleep all happy and content!

    1. This is the state me and my partner have gotten to. I really don’t know what to do and feel like it is just going to end up with us both having affairs which I don’t want to happen since we have a family together.

  6. Married 21 years. There were a couple of years when vaginal intercourse was excruciatingly painful, even as much as unprepared anal. Even with a whole bottle of lube. Never mind that my husband never really puts any time or effort into foreplay to help me become aroused. He just makes a vague, half-hearted show of it. Really, it’s just his way of nonverbally asking for sex. Anyway, during times when I’m having vaginal pain, he’ll still continue until he orgasms. To be fair I don’t tell him to stop, I just wince and try to scoot away (try to suppress that), but he knows he’s hurting me. I would think that it would be a turnoff, hurting someone you love, yet he continues till he orgasms. I just end up really sore and sticky, while he goes to sleep happily. I avoid sex during those times as long as possible until he throws a small tantrum. But when sex isn’t painful, he still puts no effort into foreplay, other than to just go straight to shoving his hand between my legs, clumsily and “pushing the button”, which I’ve told him doesn’t do anything for me (at first lovingly, e.g. “It really feels best when you do this,….”). Or, he just gives me a few quick rubs down my back, no kisses, no caresses, he just dives down for oral where he seems to just go through whatever desperate motions he thinks will work for a couple of minutes. Then it’s on to his turn, climb on, finish, and snoring. Or, sometimes after he finishes, tries to seem like he cares and will magnanimously say “why don’t I just lie right here with you while you touch yourself”. As if by lying and snoring in my ear beside me, he’s still involved in our intimate act, like a caring, sensitive lover. With a flaccid penis. Usually though, if he’s done, he thinks I’m done, and he loves to ask me the next morning (if the sex was at night) with full, wink wink, innuendo, “I don’t know about you, but I slept great last night!” or “Sooooo, how did YOU sleep last night?” even though he knows I didn’t orgasm. I know he’s not so ignorant as to think that just because we had sex, I must have slept with the same depth of satisfaction he did when I didn’t cum. How very insulted and patronized I’ve felt all these years. Or used, like a blow up doll. I’m in menopause, and now sex is painful often. I’ve drawn the line. I’ve had it. I told him that the only time we have intercourse (or he gets any kind of sex from me) is if I have had an orgasm first, and if I don’t have an orgasm, we go no farther. If I have an orgasm, AND I’m not too sleepy to continue and have penetrative sex, I’ll let him know. Otherwise, I’ve told him that after I orgasm and don’t want to have intercourse, if it makes him feel special, I can lay beside him and go to sleep while he touches himself.

    1. Love your post. Ladies needs dont seem to matter till we put our needs first at some point. I hate to say I want mine first every time but even if I am tired I have no issue making sure he gets his orgasm and he is fully satisfied. I am just tired of feeling frustrated and unwanted. If he has no interest in satisfying my needs then i can take care of my needs on my own and he can do the same. We went through a 1.5 year span where I wanted no sex what so ever, no desire. But I was not getting any release from it so therefore I had no reason to go through the act just to stress myself even more while he went to sleep and had gotten he needs met. During this 1.5 years he was constantly at me , touching, kissing, trying to touch me how i wanted to be touched. To the point I got no sleep at all. I was constantly drained cause I wasnt allowed to sleep either cause he wanted sex. I guess after so much time of lacking sleep I would just pass out and sleep through anything to which he says we had sex during the night but I didnt wake for any of it. I love the sex but I dont get off from penetration alone. and Men apparently think if they penetrate us we should get off just as fast and easy as they do. I am so close to just calling it quits again, unless he is willing to actually listen and put in the effort to satisfy my as well.

    2. This could be me writing this. You’ll probably find he has a porn habit and thinks porn is how the sex act is really done.

  7. Sounds exactly like my story. Only difference not even the sex is staisfying. Cause it hurts, because I’m never ready for him to enter. Obviously … Unless I do oral on him and he climaxes. That turns me on as well. But well then it’s too late. He will turn around and think I’m satisfied …. Hmmm

  8. Communication is the key. Talk to him about this over a nice meal and choose a day when he’s receptive of your honest thoughts.

    1. I tried that with my husband and every time I talk to him, he’ll do it maybe once or twice, but like she said..he just goes right back to being selfish. Then he somehow manages to make you look like the bad guy by saying “I’ve been trying!” Or “I’ve been stressed”.

    2. I’ve told my husband multiple times now and I am fresh and shave and he still does nothing. Drives me nuts.

      1. My husband said he would get the hair zapped for me so I wouldnt have to shave. Made him buy me a coach bag because it will get more use, lol.

    3. I know this is well meant, but I haven’t ever read or heard or experienced this EVER working. And if we are going to talk to a man about it, waiting for the “right time” is sort of BS because they’re hurting us by withholding their orgasm giving abilities yet we are expected to tiptoe around their little feelings pertaining to sex. Rant over.

      1. If a man’s gotten to the point in his adult life where he enjoys sex with his spouse but refuses to put in effort to make sure his partner is enjoying it too, there’s probably some deep-seated shit there that won’t easily be undone (e.g. selfishness and bad attitudes — perhaps religiously ingrained and/or fueled by sexism or a mama who didn’t love him enough — about women not wanting or liking sex and being “whores” if they do). But people can change and the best place to start is with regular, honest (but gentle) communication. It might not always work, but trying to talk it through is better than just throwing your hands up and accepting a zero-orgasm marriage.

        1. We’re in counseling. Though he’s told our therapist who asked, that he’s “willing” to try to provide me a more loving and satisfying sex life, he’s shown almost no initiative. I won’t beg, I won’t rant, I won’t demand, and I won’t give him a play by play. He shouldn’t be “willing” to TRY to improve my end of our sex life. He should WANT to do it. I don’t want obligatorily offered oral or foreplay. Who can become aroused and/or have an orgasm knowing their lover is just putting in the time, counting the minutes they think are an acceptable amount required, sighing with resign, or pausing looking up to see if I’m willing yet to let him get on to the fun part for him. NO, not only can I not get aroused, but I don’t want that. At all. The new “willingness” has been humiliating to me. He’s never, not once, had erectile dysfunction. Never. He’s 57, but has the libido and erections of a 20 yr. old. When sex has spontaneously initiated, his penis springs to life. Then he knows his cue it to try to get me aroused by giving me pleasure and his rock-like erection immediately disappears. It’s almost looked like someone let the air out of it a couple of times. When i gave up, knowing arousal and certainly orgasm aren’t going to happen given his grudging physical motions, I just signal him to stop. He knows it’s his turn since he jumped through the hoop, and again, I’ve watched his penis literally spring back to life like a dog’s ears perking up at the smell of a hotdog. Physical proof of what a turn-off and “waste” of his time it is trying to satisfy me. I don’t want the lousy fucking bone he’s “willing” to throw me. We’ve been in therapy for the last 7+ months since I wrote. Not sure how things will work out, at times I’m optimistic that we’ll grow old(er) together because he’s a good person in general and for some reason, I still love him. At times, I think I’m ready to leave.

          1. We can appreciate how frustrating it is when you have a partner who doesn’t make you feel the way you want to feel. But we’re wondering if this is a situation of the perfect being the enemy of the good. It seems like he’s at least making an effort to change: he’s going to therapy, he says he’s willing to make sex better for you, he’s giving you more foreplay and oral. These are all good things! Is his execution your idea of ideal? No. But he’s trying. And we don’t think you should judge him, a 57 year old, so harshly for going limp when he’s servicing you — this is totally normal when direct stimulation ceases, and it’s not necessarily an indication that he’s not happy to go down on you. Rather than getting so annoyed with him for failing to be perfect in bed, can you appreciate his efforts and gently encourage him to get closer to where you want him to be (i.e. not sighing with resign, which admittedly sucks).

  9. You are NOT alone. I’ve been with my husband 9 years, married 8. I’ve NEVER had an orgasm. Not even close. There’s never any foreplay. He gets on top, then he’s done. I’m left laying there dissatisfied. I’ve talked to him several times as well, and he just blows me off. He acts as if it’s all good. I love my hubs, but I’m over waiting for a satisfying sex life. I’m ready to just close up “shop” and deny him the benefit of sex. He’s not a cheater, so I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m not going to cheat on him…..

    1. You sound just like me…why do men have to be selfish and lazy like this? I swear my husband just don’t THINK about it. Its like he’s oblivious to his actions. And it’s not just the sex. He’s so immature and irresponsible.

  10. I’m dealing with the same same thing. I’ve had very fulfilling sexual relationships in the past, but my current lover (who claims to have pleased over 100 women) doesn’t even try to satisfy me. I’ve tried (and tried and tried until I feel like a broken record) telling him what my hot buttons are. He’s told me that he’s okay with masturbating to please himself until I can come the way he wants me to (basically, through penetration only). He claims I’m “throwing it in his face” when I explain to him that I always please him to complete satisfaction. He’s my best friend, but his sexual let-downs and threats to leave me over trying to fix it are ruining our relationship. And he’s a cheater. I’ve already caught him getting naked pics from other women and asking to meet with them.

    1. Dude, why are you still with this loser? Keep him as a friend if you must, but ditch him as a romantic partner, stat.

    2. In my humble opinion, if your husband has cheated on you, I think it might not be a good idea to continue to be with him. Or otherwise, you could’ve found another man to satisfy your sexual needs, and continue to be with him if you prefer, but then this relationship wouldn’t be any good if each partner is cheating on each other and don’t communicate well about sex.

    3. I’ve been trying to spice things up lately by dressing up for him and doing new stuff for him and basically putting on a “slut” or “seductrice” act and he does enjoy it and thanks me, but do I get anything back? No. And then when I say something about it, either all of a sudden he wants to do it for me then when I’m pissed and then gets mad when I say no, or he claims that he was going to last night, but it was MY fault he didn’t. It drives me crazy. And I’ve been fighting flirting. I’m not a cheater. But I have been getting 25-35 friend requests a DAY of mostly guys who think I’m hot and want to have sex with me or try a relationship with me and then I have to tell them no even though I want to so bad cause my husband doesn’t please me and he’s all around a child.

  11. Ugh!!! I have this same problem!!! My husband and I have been together 4 years married quickly had children and even when we get alone time and Nana takes the children for the weekend he is all about me pleasuring him and I don’t mind that because I love doing it but he doesn’t reciprocate the same pleasuring back he just jumps on me and granted, the sex is great but once he’s done “I’m supposed to be done too” … I don’t know how to approach this without shooting his ego to the ground or making him feel inadequate… Help…

  12. My husband and I have been married almost 12 yrs. We were 18 and19 and had kids immediately. We have five altogether now. Over the years we’ve had good sex, and not so good sex. But a lot plays into why I’ve been so unsatisfied this entire marriage. The first seven years he was very controlling, very possessive and would accuse me of cheating daily. He also abused me emotionally and even physically. We worked thru those horrible years and he’s better now, except he’s still a bit selfish in bed and I’m still not confident enough to speak to him about what I need. I want him to give me oral so I orgasm multiple times, but after he gets me the first, he thinks it’s enough and he assumes the position for sex and gets off and then goes out to smoke and then it’s time to sleep. Sometimes when he only “allows” me one or two orgasms orally, we’ll have sex and I’ll masturbate myself to get my multiple orgasms that way, but I am still extremely unsatisfied because I enjoy oral sex better than penetrative sex. I also want him to take his time. Why do men rush things? All we women want is for our men to make us feel like our pleasure is important to them and that they want to spend hours pleasuring us because we’re worth it. Right now I feel unloved. I feel like his sex toy. I feel unattractive and unworthy of more than just a few hurried moments of pleasure. It hurts me to the core. Which does so much damage to my self esteem and confidence. I wish I were brave enough to tell him. But years of abuse have made me keep everything to myself. I just wish things will get better…..I turn 30 next month , this is NOT how I envisioned my sex life at this stage of life. BTW, porn ruins relationships. Men who watch it are made to think women’s needs are secondary. And men aren’t taught how to love a woman instead of objectify her. I really feel for you all in the same boat as me. It’s truly painful.

    1. Wait…he always gives you at least one orgasm, but your complaint is he doesn’t give you multiple every time???? Seriously??? Are you freaking kidding me????!!! It’s a rare “treat ” if my husband makes sure I have even one orgasm. Most of the time I’m left wanting and frustrated. I’d give my right arm for a man who made sure I climaxed every time. I’m sorry, but your complaint is like a rich person bemoaning that their mansion only has 20 bedrooms, while their neighbor has 30. Try being in the shoes of someone whose husband couldn’t care less if they ever come or not. I would be so freaking happy in your shoes. Be greatful for what you have and appreciate that you have a considerate husband who actually cares about your needs. Meanwhile, the rest of us get zero orgasms, while you bemoan not getting multiple. Seriously, you have no clue how good you have it.

      1. I apologize. It seems I missed the part where you said he was abusive. I retract my comment.

  13. My boyfriend is the same way. He expects oral sex every time we’re together, but he never cares about making me feel good. He acts like it’s no big deal and it’s really frustrating. I want to be pleasured just like he does!

  14. My wife does not like me going down on her she says it’s unnatural. I love going down on women. It turns me on so much. Something is wrong with your husband not you.

    1. Ask your men about pornography. After not watching porn i feel much better about satisfying my significant other.

      I apoligize for mankind. It is very hard to not just sleep after an orgasm.

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