Your Call: My Husband Isn’t Interested in Sex with Me

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Help! I’ve been married to my husband 5 years (6 years dating) and our sex life …well, let’s just say I don’t think I can ever win. #1 we have sex once every 3 months…if I’m lucky. He’s always tired, headache, or any other number of reasons why he can’t. When we do have sex it’s in one position only, no foreplay, and once he’s “done”…he rolls over and goes to sleep.

Now, you have to understand that I want sex everyday all day, but it’s been so long we’ve struggled with this that I’m to the point I don’t look at him “like that” any more. I think if he came in right now naked, cock swinging…I could walk away….easily (because I know how it’s going to end).

I love my husband but I don’t know how to get things back on track anymore. I’ve talked to him about this so many times and he just says he’s going to “work on it.” He doesn’t want to talk about it or get any help. He says he loves me, but I feel it’s more like a “friendship” love more than anything else.

I also have to tell you when we were dating it was a long distance relationship, he is a Marine and was stationed in all kind of places. When we did see each other we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. I told him so many times about my sex appetite and he never had a problem with it….when we got married….immediatly I could see the difference in our appetites and he immediately stopped trying to “impress” in the bedroom.

We have 2 children (the first one we planned and for 1 month had tons of sex…as soon as I found out i was prego…it stopped). Our 2nd happened when I was drinking and basically jumped him….I found out I was prego and didn’t have sex for about 10 months. I’m so tired. He’s a great dad, provider and friend. But our lack of intimacy is killing this relationship and he doesn’t even acknowledge it. I don’t know what to do. Please help.

— Sexless in Seattle

What should S.I.S. do? Let her know in the comments section below.



  1. I am amazed and saddened that I hear this so often. I could NEVER get enough of my wife! We were together for 30.5 years until her untimely death at age 53 in 2014. It didn’t hurt that she was a total hottie, not very large up top but the best bottom and legs in the world to go along with a beautiful face, great hair, and a personality that pretty much lit up a neon sign above her head that flashed ‘SEX’ most of the time. And she gave me more sex than any man has a right to, and I never once felt like saying no.

    My heart goes out to all you women whose husbands have somehow flipped a ‘no-sex’ switch in their primitive brains. Having served in the military myself, I know that there could be a variety of reasons for his lack of sexual attention towards you. You have probably heard most of the reasons from other responders already. There is one that Dax mentioned above that I know for a fact is a real possibility, that he might have learned something about himself after you two were married. I discovered my own bisexuality while serving in the U.S. Navy. I still enjoyed and only received sexual gratification from women, but I was strongly sexually attracted to one man and became his ‘girlfriend’ for a couple of years, although he never reciprocated the pleasure I gave to him. And I was perfectly fine with the arrangement since I really had no desire to be pleasured by another man. I never hid it from my wife, but only acted on the urge once while we were together, and it happened before we got married.

    If he continually refuses to talk about any of this with you, then I would say that the probably is NOT you, it is something within himself that he is struggling with. Not saying that his sexuality is in question here, as each case is different and needs to be dealt with on an individual level. But by not discussing it with you, he is only fast forwarding on a very destructive course for your marriage. It may come down to having to tell him to either find out what the problem is or make a decision to separate, possibly shocking him into facing a reality without you. This, of course, should be a last resort measure, but I can tell you are already facing the possibility of just such an action.

    My hope for you is that this issue will be resolved in a positive manner, resulting in the best possible outcome for all parties involved. Take care, S.I.S.

  2. My bf and i have been together for almost 2 years ….this time. We have known each other for about 11 years and dated 2 times before. This time around in tbe beginning we had sex like crazy. Then oops….pregnant….sex stopped then We lost the baby….that was over a year ago. And i can honestly say we have had sex only 4 times in the ladt year ( and not ling enough for me) ….. He gets bjs almost daily. And sometimes while doing this for him i am helping myself. After he climaxes i ask him to help me out….touch me or something….sometimes he does but falls asleep other times he repeats what i said and rolls over and puts his back to me which really kills the moment so imleft hanging feeling hurt and crying….yet he doesnt seem to care he just goes to sleep like its nothing. So i feel ya and have no advixe because i myself dont know what to do.

  3. Maybe see if another woman has been satisfying your husband’s sexual needs? … just a possibility but don’t get upset yet before you have evidence. If his sex drive used to be high, and now he’s fine with sex every 3 months and not that into it, it might be suspicious. For men’s biological makeup, usually they’ll be craving for sex after one or two weeks if they haven’t had sex. Every man is different, depending on the level of his testosterone and thus libido.

  4. I have been married 10 years and am sick of always “begging” for sex. I am to the point where I am way too young to let someone that has an issue with sex on his part for me to just “settle” because we are married. I am filing for a divorce and will just date and have as much sex as I can until I don’t want it anymore. It’s a bunch of crap that people tell you “it’s not your fault but have you tried to do…..” blah blah blah. Men are just lazy and don’t care if their wife is unhappy. All they care about is themselves… UNLESS they find another women that turns them on, then they are sex animals 24-7 until they get bored again.

      1. I agree also. The worst part about this is that they expect you to be available for them to waste the best 2 minutes of your life so they can get off ….youre sitting there wondering why they have fingers and a mouth if they dont even bother to try n use either one to please you instead they go wash up and basically ignore you the rest of the day . I been married almost 5 years and I have well honestly I HAD an extremely high sex drive prior to getting married and then some months we only had sex once maybe 3 times after i tied the knot with my hubby . I used to blame myself and think that I was fat and ugly and then gained a few pounds because of the void i felt inside. I want to make this clear to all women thay have a sexually useless man that their issue has nothing to do with you ! Youre beautiful, kind,loving, a mother, a great friend so dont let a man change how you feel about yourself! Good luck to all with finding true love and dont forget it starts with lovung yourself!!!! Xoxoozk

  5. same problem here:( however we have been together 15months. when we were first together, it was passionate and exciting! now he never initiates it, and when I do, he usually tries to put me off or its over in two mins. I know I’m not boring in bed, im almost a freak. I like to mix it up, I’m definitely not a sack and I love giving oral sex (sorry about details, just trying to give overview). I know my partner lives me very much and is definitely not cheating. he’s not gay and he is a great partner and a great step father. what upsets me is that he can make comments about hit chicks on tv (like when his mates are around) and likes a bit of porn (he has some on his phone)which I don’t mind. but jeez, give me a little of that honey love babe. it REALLY upsets and now I’m frustrated and sad. tried talking about it and theres always excuses, to tired, asking to much, maybe later, ‘I’m lame’, or he gets upset and completely shuts down. I NEED lots intimacy, I’m too young for a non exsistant sexlife:(

    1. Maybe he is seeing MUCH more porn that you think, and porn is killing his sexual desire towards you. Having been a porn addict for many years before looking for help and start enyoing the sexual life with my wife again, I can tell you that my sexual desire towards my wife was very low as I thought that coming out was not an option (I am kinky and she is vanilla). Since coming out three years ago, things have changed a lot. We have met halfway through, she does enjoy some kinky games (blindfold, gag, handcuffs, spanking, vibrators etc) and I do stick to her hard limits. We now have very wild and exciting sex at least 2-3 times, which is not bad when you have always children around in your home, which makes our kinky games a little bit too dangerous 🙂

  6. LEAVE NOW AND SAVE YOURSELF! Been there, done that, am happier now than when I second guessed everything and took all the blame. He is just not that into you, the end.

  7. Hello,

    Went through this as well. Husband turned into roommate. 2 months ago I found out my husband had a porn addiction that stemmed from childhood and was happening throughout our entire 8 year relationship. If you google porn addiction it will inform you about all the signs. Check his browser history. Deleted? Just a thought of what it could be.

  8. I am dealing with some of the same issues. My husband hardly ever wants to have sex. He used to blame it on my weight gain, the house is messy, he’s too tired . . . Finally he admitted that he has trouble getting it up. He’s in his mid 50s, a long-time smoker, and diabetic. I clicked on this page because I was hoping someone had some ideas. Instead I feel that I have advice:
    1. There are likely deeper issues there. See if you can get some alone time to tell him how much you love him and let him know you want to know what’s REALLY going on.
    2. Get him to a doctor if you can. Diabetes, high blood pressure, low testosterone, high stress, obesity, and many other conditions may make it difficult or impossible for him to perform.
    3. Be patient. Sometimes I think of how I would handle things if my husband was paralyzed or otherwise truly unable to have sex. I would still stick with him because I love him.

    I hope some of this is helpful. I have gotten to the point where I’ve been turned down for sex so many times that it’s hard to try anymore, but I won’t give up. I love him too much to allow lack of sex to ruin a good thing.

  9. Its simple he told, just in a nice way he does not want you no more, he don’t find you attractive an he only has sex with you to shut you up!

    Bet you if you told him your done & want a divorce he wouldn’t care.

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