My Husband, a Selfish Lover, Won’t Even Try to Give Me an Orgasm

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. This time, a woman finds herself married to a selfish lover. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below. 

Help! I’m Married to a Selfish Lover!

I am 25 and been with my husband for 8 years and married for 1 1/2 (we also have a toddler). First let me say that I enjoy/love pleasing him. I get off by seeing him pleased which I think is how it should be. I’m not a selfish person in bed for sure. But he is a selfish lover.

He wants sex right away, no foreplay whatsoever, and when he’s done apparently we’re both done. I have told him many times you need to be patient and get me ready for you at least! And he does for the next couple times, but then it just stops. He rarely goes down on me and it’s so frustrating! I want to be touched everywhere and be caressed from head to toe, which I know is normal! But he doesn’t touch me. I don’t understand how he doesn’t want to fully satisfy me.

After having sex yesterday he climaxed and rolled over while I just lied there craving more. I called him selfish for not making me orgasm and he said, “Well gosh, you just feel so good!” (So pretty much I made him climax fast, so I get punished by not climaxing myself.) Then he turned the other way and the snoring started.

What Should I Do?

So what do I do? I finish myself off alone while he’s in bed, which makes me feel like a teenager. I know he is turned on by me,  I definitely know that. He has a high sex drive but in a very selfish way. I don’t know if he’s scared to touch me or not sure what to do…? I tell him if he’s not sure what to do I’ll guide him, but it always goes straight to sex and that’s it. We have sex around 2 to 3 times a week. The actual sex is great but I feel so unsatisfied.

Woman with a selfish lover ends up alone.

I have actually started to think I need to get satisfied elsewhere and that scares me since I am a married woman. Part of me wants to threaten him when I’m mad about this issue, but I guess that is the wrong approach. I just wish he WANTED to do all of this naturally. It boggles the mind: after 8 years I can count on one hand the times I have received oral sex and the times he has really said “This is about you tonight,” and made me orgasm several times.

Is This My Fault?

I kind of feel bad for myself, but then I wonder, “Did I do this to myself? Is it my fault for letting this go on so long?” I feel I look good, I’m young and have a decent body and fix myself up daily, which he seems to love. But slowly, by him not going down on me and not being totally all over me, it’s making me get a bit insecure when I know I shouldn’t be.

It’s hard when I see guys looking at me and hitting on me and I have this husband at home who is afraid to make me climax! I mean, is it really that hard?

— Frustrated & Forlorn

What should F&F do about her selfish lover? Let her know in the comments below.



What’s a Nice Way to Give Directions in Bed?

Your Call: My Boyfriend Is Obsessed with the Money Shot

Dear Em & Lo: Toys Terrify My Boyfriend

 This post has been updated.


  1. I know this is an old post, but I wanted to comment just in case someone else stumbles upon this in the future and needs to know that they are not alone.

    My husband and I have been together for 20 years now (married for 19). We married very young. He was 19 and I was 20. We now have 2 kids, a house, and a slew of pets. He works, I stay home with the kids. And no, I don’t stay home because I feel I have to or that it’s “my duty as a woman” or anything. Me staying home works best for our daily routine/situation and I’m happy to do it. However, I’ve learned the hard way that being a stay at home wife can be problematic if your husband is like mine. IE: Has issues with empathy and was given a bad example as a kid.

    My H was raised in a very old school, religious household. In short, his dad is the “master of the house” and his mom was always expected to defer to him. That is not the type of relationship I want. My H claims he doesn’t want that either, yet he constantly does things contrary to that claim. He doesn’t really help around the house, despite the fact that he knows that the lack of help frustrates me. He doesn’t take a very active role in parenting our kids either. He is also an incredibly selfish lover. Always has been.

    When we were younger I let him get away with not taking care of my needs, but as time worn on, I got fed up and realized just how screwed up the inequality of our sex life was and started vocalizing how I felt. At first my complaints were met with indignant anger. Like how dare I act like him just jabbing it in me until HE comes, then rolls over and goes to sleep, isn’t the best thing ever. Then when I was 100% real with him and told him if he didn’t start to make an effort, I would leave him, he finally began to make *some* effort. I stress the “some” here.

    So, when he knows I’m upset about something (and this can be due to anything from his lack of helping out around the house to not prioritizing my sexual needs) he will make a burst of effort, just enough to get me to be happy with him again, then he quickly declines back into his old habits. We have talked about this time and time again, and he admits to being selfish, even calls himself a “piece of shit” but yet he constantly goes right back to his old ways, often using stress at work as an excuse.

    The truth is, just like all people, my H has personal issues and struggles to overcome. The issue is that he has an unhealthy habit of not wanting to deal with things that are tough or difficult, especially when it comes to bettering himself, and when he’s at all stressed, he retreats within himself and has a tendency to live only for himself. He also struggles with having/expressing empathy – a result of being raised in a toxic environment.

    Yeah, maybe marrying a man with empathy issues was a stupid thing to do. Yet, I love him, more than anything. He’s my world and my best friend. Leaving him would mean a large part of me dying. If I eventually have to leave, then I have to. But there’s still a few things I want to try first. First, I’m going to get us some marriage counseling. He says he’s willing to go, so we’re going. I’m not putting it off anymore.

    The second part I want to try is being up front with him before sex, like telling him exactly what I want and calmly informing him that if I don’t get it, then sex won’t be happening. IE: “I want you to go down on me, take your time touching me, and prioritize giving me an orgasm. If you can’t do that, then this isn’t happening.” I also think asking him to tell me exactly he wants and expects, and making sure he gets it, might me a nice incentive. Doesn’t hurt to try.

    Despite, what another commentor said, passive aggression and mind games are NOT the answer. That will only make things worse. It won’t “give you back your power,” it will only ramp up the resentment and negative tension. Like the old adage says “honesty is the best policy.” I just now realized that making my H aware of what I expect right before sex and informing him that I won’t accept anything less, might be way more effective than anything I’ve tried so far, because I won’t be allowing him to just shut off his brain and tretreat into his old habits.

    I’m not ready to give up yet, and no, that doesn’t make me “pathetic” (yes, I’m side-eyeing you aforementioned commentor). I think anyone shaming others for their personal struggles needs to reexamine their own lives and their own lack of empathy.

    So, to those that are in a similar spot as me, you’re not alone and no, you are NOT pathetic. We all deal with things differently and in our own time, just make sure to do right by yourself and take the steps to better your situation, however or whatever that may be. Even if it took you forever to start on that journey, better late than never.

  2. I know this is an old post, but based on the comments, it sounds like a pretty common problem, so here’s my thought: if you’re contemplating getting satisfaction elsewhere but not necessarily wanting to cheat – try getting your satisfaction yourself.

    I don’t mean furtively rubbing one out after you get him off and he falls asleep. If that feels like a teenager move, it’s likely because that’s what someone who hasn’t realized her own power might do. If you know you are perfectly able and willing to get yourself off, you have sexual power, but you’re wasting it on a selfish partner who’s happy to receive that power but doesn’t have the will or ability to reciprocate.

    Anybody who has a partner who is selfish in bed: do what the OP did first – sounds like she communicated her desire for more foreplay, oral, and general focus on her pleasure, and that’s a great place to start. And then if your partner doesn’t commit to making sex a more equitable experience for you? Next time they want to get busy, work yourself out with your hands or your favorite toy, and when your selfish partner inevitably makes a bid for some of the action, explain that if they’re not interested in making you feel good, you can and will do it yourself, but it will leave you too busy to give them a hand. Suggest they partake in the kind of disconnected, solitary self-stimulation they’ve been subjecting you to, get yourself off (repeatedly if you fancy it) and roll over for a well-earned rest. Your selfish partner will likely be angry or frustrated with this – ask them to explain why… and then tell them how that’s you’ve been feeling for years, and ask if it’s something they’re willing to continue feeling themselves, something they want to work on together so neither of you have to feel that way going forward, or if they want to call it quits.

    Some people just can’t learn empathy (understanding how someone else feels about their experiences) – they have to be forced to experience sympathy (going through the same thing someone else has experienced). Honestly, I don’t advocate marrying people who are empathy-challenged, but if you’re already there and they’re lovable enough in other ways to be worth trying some full-on experiential learning, it’s worth a shot.

  3. I am curious if any of your husbands have an addiction to pornography? And I ask that knowing that it can cause selfishness in the marital bed. If he is struggling with this he may not come out and tell you and lying is a huge side effect as they may be ashamed. It may not be the issue for all these men. And I am in no way saying it is the only cause. But if you look into blogs of a wife with a husband who is looking at pornography you may find your marriage has similarities and counseling may be in order to help. If you suspect this may be the case please be cautious how you approach it. None of us are perfect but in order for things to get better the truth needs to be revealed and worked on.

Comments are closed.