My Husband, a Selfish Lover, Won’t Even Try to Give Me an Orgasm

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. This time, a woman finds herself married to a selfish lover. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below. 

Help! I’m Married to a Selfish Lover!

I am 25 and been with my husband for 8 years and married for 1 1/2 (we also have a toddler). First let me say that I enjoy/love pleasing him. I get off by seeing him pleased which I think is how it should be. I’m not a selfish person in bed for sure. But he is a selfish lover.

He wants sex right away, no foreplay whatsoever, and when he’s done apparently we’re both done. I have told him many times you need to be patient and get me ready for you at least! And he does for the next couple times, but then it just stops. He rarely goes down on me and it’s so frustrating! I want to be touched everywhere and be caressed from head to toe, which I know is normal! But he doesn’t touch me. I don’t understand how he doesn’t want to fully satisfy me.

After having sex yesterday he climaxed and rolled over while I just lied there craving more. I called him selfish for not making me orgasm and he said, “Well gosh, you just feel so good!” (So pretty much I made him climax fast, so I get punished by not climaxing myself.) Then he turned the other way and the snoring started.

What Should I Do?

So what do I do? I finish myself off alone while he’s in bed, which makes me feel like a teenager. I know he is turned on by me,  I definitely know that. He has a high sex drive but in a very selfish way. I don’t know if he’s scared to touch me or not sure what to do…? I tell him if he’s not sure what to do I’ll guide him, but it always goes straight to sex and that’s it. We have sex around 2 to 3 times a week. The actual sex is great but I feel so unsatisfied.

Woman with a selfish lover ends up alone.

I have actually started to think I need to get satisfied elsewhere and that scares me since I am a married woman. Part of me wants to threaten him when I’m mad about this issue, but I guess that is the wrong approach. I just wish he WANTED to do all of this naturally. It boggles the mind: after 8 years I can count on one hand the times I have received oral sex and the times he has really said “This is about you tonight,” and made me orgasm several times.

Is This My Fault?

I kind of feel bad for myself, but then I wonder, “Did I do this to myself? Is it my fault for letting this go on so long?” I feel I look good, I’m young and have a decent body and fix myself up daily, which he seems to love. But slowly, by him not going down on me and not being totally all over me, it’s making me get a bit insecure when I know I shouldn’t be.

It’s hard when I see guys looking at me and hitting on me and I have this husband at home who is afraid to make me climax! I mean, is it really that hard?

— Frustrated & Forlorn

What should F&F do about her selfish lover? Let her know in the comments below.



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 This post has been updated.


  1. I know it’s been long … but have you found any solution to your problem? I’m facing the same thing…. I would even burst and cry there in bed; he would think I’m like that due to his coming first .. and in fact I feel used and thrown away… I asked why and tried to fix it yet with no luck…

  2. He sounds like an utter creep. Leave him, or if you can’t, get great sex from some of those hot men who are giving you the eye. Get it wherever and whenever you can and don’t look back. You deserve better.

  3. LEAVE that selfish narcissistic abusive piece of shit. And if you won’t leave please for the love of god at least get what you NEED elsewhere and do not feel bad about it, if the situation was reversed he’d do it to you in a heartbeat. Trust me, I speak from experience.

  4. Im officially triggered: I’m sorry but a lot of you women on here sound really pathetic. I say this because you only get one life and your men are only doing things that you allow. Closing up shop your snatch or withholding sex is retarded. You all need to accept that’s once your partner stops caring about your pleasure, your satisfaction that’s also a sign about the level of care he as about you. A lot of your men are running over your feeling and you’re staying with them so why should he change, he knows you aren’t going anywhere. He knows he’s going to be married to you and your a pleasure whole with emotions he doesn’t have to acknowledge because you aren’t willing to demand your own happiness or leave the toxic situation and that is your own fault. You’re going to keep being a pleasure whole for the rest of your marriage and you’re going to keep blogging like this for the rest of your life because you care more about your selfish husbands then having a backbone and you can’t be without a husband. A husband does not guarantee happiness or life fulfillment. You all will resent your husbands over time but Moreno then that you will resent yourself for being foolish and thinking maybe he will change. If he won’t even change for his wife then that should be a clear sign the relationship isn’t lost. Why should he make any effort when you don’t even love yourselves enough to ensure your own happiness and demand it and take the actions in order to secure that happiness. I’ve never been without a man who couldn’t get me off or didn’t enjoy going down a woman because I know how important sex is in a relationship. Your sex life is important for your health and some of you will probably die earlier in your life because of unhealthy sexual relationships, think about the physical and emotional disappointment and how that can mess with you right mind and health. If your partner isn’t willing to get counseling either then he/she honestly has stopped working on the marriage they know they have a problem and aren’t willing to get help. Lastly I am being harsh on purpose, if you’re mad or angry good, you should be and getting in with your life instead of wasting it not getting everything’s you deserve. You are in control of your destiny and can manifest great things into your path but it starts with you not being timid or asking the universe but demanding your happiness, your dreams an Drew getting out of your shitty situations instead of watching it fall apart. Trust me you can find someone better.

    1. Thanks! Been a f*ck hole for 14 years. I’m done with this no orgasam for 5 months to a year sh*t
      Really thanks!

  5. I know exactly how you feel my EX husband was LOUSY in bed! We were married 21 years and yes he did go down on me if I asked but he just didn’t have the experience! I got to the point where intercourse was just a CHORE so I gave him good BJs instead as he enjoyed that! It got to the point I started just finishing myself off and finally after 5 long years of literally zero mental foreplay we divorced! He was cheating on me repeatedly and then finally confessed not even any protection! I have moved on!

  6. My husband and I have only been married for 5 months and we barely have sex anymore. He blames it on the fact that I’ll be on my period for a week or that he doesn’t feel good. When I say something and we have sex it doesn’t feel the same, I know he’s only doing it because I said something, I don’t want it to be like that. My last relationship I had a great sex partner, always made sure I was taken care of, he was a piece of shit but always made sure my sexual needs were taken care of, I just wish my husband now would do the same. I even asked if he would use a vibrator on me and he just refuses.. I hate that I have to get myself off just to feel good. He’ll give me oral every now and then, and I don’t get anything from it and haven’t felt the same so I haven’t given him oral in a while either, it doesn’t seem to phase him? It’s like he doesn’t care about sex and I need it! I’m not an addict but I want to feel loved and touched by him. Just wish he would understand that…

  7. I always give my wife her orgasm first. She loves for me to give her oral while massaging her g spot. Explain to your husband that you are needing someone who will take the time to explore your body and please you. Tell him how it makes you feel to have to please yourself. Hopefully he will understand how important this is to you. If not, you may have to explore other options. Good luck!

    1. For some men Michael they just don’t care about their wife or partner getting off I even tried date nights and he just didn’t want to take the time or energy to seduce me it was all about him! I even tried to get counseling through a sex therapist but he refused! He I think some people are just SELFISH and don’t care about others!

  8. I’m 58 my wife is 56,I please her orally till she she reaches orgasm with or without toys.20years married.i can even make her squirt but she hates it,first woman ever.sorry he is so selfish,but your only here once so make your decision on your future soon.good luck I don’t think he will change but don’t let yourself suffer

  9. I’ve read many of your comments and just like you all, I fall into the same category. But, how do we as women change this? The one man I only want to please me, my husband, 7 out of 10 times will organism and then maybe once every blue moon, try to help me achieve mine…as he’s trying not to fall asleep. It’s so frustrating. I can’t even put it into words how it makes me feel. A side of me just wants to stop making love to him because it’s hard to express such things like this to a man without hurting his ego. Sadly to say, and one who has never really dabbled into porn, finds myself satisfying my needs that route just because I know the outcome of our intimacy. And I actually hate myself more after I do satisfy myself that way. I feel ashamed. Why do men just not care??? I really don’t get it?? Especially when the wives do all they can to make sure their men are satisfied. Lord, this is very hard. Any helpful advice. I know many of you may be able to orgasm through a man going down on you but I need stimulation. Even if he don’t last long, I need him to want to satisfy me too. 🙁

  10. This is my life. For years it was awful. Invested in some toys and he was happy for a few times, now it is the same. He goes to sleep and I’m awake for the night. Many nights I end up just crying because of how it all went down. I have told him how I feel and he will make a passive remark back.

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