My Husband, a Selfish Lover, Won’t Even Try to Give Me an Orgasm

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. This time, a woman finds herself married to a selfish lover. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below. 

Help! I’m Married to a Selfish Lover!

I am 25 and been with my husband for 8 years and married for 1 1/2 (we also have a toddler). First let me say that I enjoy/love pleasing him. I get off by seeing him pleased which I think is how it should be. I’m not a selfish person in bed for sure. But he is a selfish lover.

He wants sex right away, no foreplay whatsoever, and when he’s done apparently we’re both done. I have told him many times you need to be patient and get me ready for you at least! And he does for the next couple times, but then it just stops. He rarely goes down on me and it’s so frustrating! I want to be touched everywhere and be caressed from head to toe, which I know is normal! But he doesn’t touch me. I don’t understand how he doesn’t want to fully satisfy me.

After having sex yesterday he climaxed and rolled over while I just lied there craving more. I called him selfish for not making me orgasm and he said, “Well gosh, you just feel so good!” (So pretty much I made him climax fast, so I get punished by not climaxing myself.) Then he turned the other way and the snoring started.

What Should I Do?

So what do I do? I finish myself off alone while he’s in bed, which makes me feel like a teenager. I know he is turned on by me,  I definitely know that. He has a high sex drive but in a very selfish way. I don’t know if he’s scared to touch me or not sure what to do…? I tell him if he’s not sure what to do I’ll guide him, but it always goes straight to sex and that’s it. We have sex around 2 to 3 times a week. The actual sex is great but I feel so unsatisfied.

Woman with a selfish lover ends up alone.

I have actually started to think I need to get satisfied elsewhere and that scares me since I am a married woman. Part of me wants to threaten him when I’m mad about this issue, but I guess that is the wrong approach. I just wish he WANTED to do all of this naturally. It boggles the mind: after 8 years I can count on one hand the times I have received oral sex and the times he has really said “This is about you tonight,” and made me orgasm several times.

Is This My Fault?

I kind of feel bad for myself, but then I wonder, “Did I do this to myself? Is it my fault for letting this go on so long?” I feel I look good, I’m young and have a decent body and fix myself up daily, which he seems to love. But slowly, by him not going down on me and not being totally all over me, it’s making me get a bit insecure when I know I shouldn’t be.

It’s hard when I see guys looking at me and hitting on me and I have this husband at home who is afraid to make me climax! I mean, is it really that hard?

— Frustrated & Forlorn

What should F&F do about her selfish lover? Let her know in the comments below.



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 This post has been updated.


  1. My husband and I have been friends for 21 years and married 16. No kids. I haven’t had an orgasm that I didn’t give myself in over 10 years. We have sex often, but his idea of foreplay is jabbing his cock at me, pinching my nipples in a way that I have told him I don’t like, then letting me suck his cock until he’s ready for penetration. On the rare occasions that he touches my pussy, he just fumbles around with his rough hands until I stop him. I have told him how I like – and don’t like – to be touched, and have shown him, but he is still incredibly clumsy and I can tell he doesn’t like to touch me there. He rarely goes down on me, and, again, he’s very bad in a way that tells me he doesn’t enjoy it… and he has strait told me he doesn’t like eating pussy. (I LOVE sucking cock, so this is hard for me to understand. I keep my pussy very clean and groomed and it smells good, so this is not the issue.) He never tries to get me to cum before him and has never tried to get me off after his O, even when I have mentioned it. He has said that he wants me to cum. But he doesn’t seem to think he should have to do anything but stick his cock in me to make that happen. When I have tried to talk to him, he says that his sex drive isn’t as high as it used to be and that he will have to get some “little blue pills.” This annoys me because I have told him over and over that the problem doesn’t have anything to do with his cock! This has all become harder and harder for me to deal with, and so I have made it a big issue and had some serious talks with him about it. We got to a point where I could tell he realized how important this is, and that I might actually leave if this doesn’t change. So he agreed to try. After a few sessions of trying, I still haven’t cum but he has every time. And during this last time I had the worst kind of revelation. He was clumsily touching my pussy again and I was trying to show him how, when I suggested he look at what he’s doing. (I had suggested this before and he hadn’t responded.). He seemed reluctant, so I asked why he didn’t want to look at my pussy. He said, “I like an air of mystery. When you trade fantasy for fact, there’s no tradebacks.” We talked for a bit, and I realized that he doesn’t like pussy! I said, “You don’t like pussy!” He thought I meant he was gay, and was quick to tell me that he loved sticking his cock in me. I assured him I don’t think he’s gay, but, I replied, “the problem is that is all you want to do with my pussy. You don’t want to look at it, you don’t want to taste it, you don’t even really like touching it!” He laughed a little, then I sucked his cock and he fucked me and went to sleep.

    I love my husband. He is my best friend. I haven’t communicated this well, but I am certain he loves me and is attracted to me. That is not the issue. I know he is trying to give me what I need, but his heart just isn’t in it, and I can tell. I know he feels bad about all this, and I know if I force the issue he will look at my pussy and try to learn… but I know him and I know me, and he will not succeed if he’s not enjoying himself. I’m also afraid that if he looks at my pussy it will be a huge turn-off for him. I don’t know what to do. Denying him sex or oral will not help as this would just mean our sex life would be non-existant. He is also the major breadwinner, so I sometimes wonder if subconsciously he thinks that because he gives the most financially that I should have to give the most sexually. I don’t know. Does anyone know how to get a guy to like seeing/tasting/touching pussy? Please help… I am so desperate!

  2. The story of my life. It socks,! Non of the answers here help me tho. Because even though my husband is a selfish as is described in this blog, I love him. I have two beautiful daughters with him and he has couple more good qualities. So the idea of leaving him is not on the plate for me, plus I really believe that you marriage for life. but, I desperate need a good advise a good therapist a good something that made him wait for me in those intimates moments.
    It’s crazy how I even think that writing on this page will make feel better about this matter, maybe less angry , less frustrated.
    Last night was one of those nights and I was so frustrated that I just snap on him, and just said at the end that I don’t want to talk about it with him anymore because he doesn’t care, I’m just hopeless

  3. File for a divorce because hes a piece of shit or have an affair if you don’t want to deal with the paper work. Honestly, thats what i would do because that is entirely on him to do his job. If he cant do that for you fuck sorry but fuck em. You Definitely deserve an orgasm. You could also just not have sex with him and use some toys infront of him. If he asks to join just say you would prefer him take care of himself from now on because atleast your dildo/vibrator actually helps you get off. Sorry, but I just think im at a point in our marriage where I am more comfortable with this. And if he asks you what you mean, be condescending and walk out the room or ask him for privacy. Because even though you might not see it. He is showing the same if not more complete and utter disrespect, but worse because your actually allowing him to put his d**ck in you. Sometimes you got to put a man in his place and keep those legs closed to him if hes going to behave that way. I personally wouldn’t get married to a man if our sex life was like that before marriage. A lot of men think that they are more important than we are and those kind of guys don’t deserve marriage or sex. Another thing men will always be eternally infamous for is they will do something bad to woman and make them think it’s their fault. Women annoy me because this is always a constant battle. Men know your sensitive and trust me, they use it. They don’t respond well to confrontation because they can never be honest often. The best way to fix a man like this is how i stated earlier. You have to be a bit condescending and give short answers and not much room for a response. “Ironically” This makes men so uncomfortable and they will never want to feel like this again. They aren’t as stupid as they seem and if hes tries to keep asking “why are you being like this” say “can you stop being so emotional” when what hes really trying to say is “I am being an asshole and i want you to let me use your vagina to drain my balls real quick and i know i cant say that to you so im playing dumb to hope you’ll give it to me that way instead”. So your response as a female “why are you being so emotional” or “your acting really weird” followed by leaving… Flusters and upsets men so much and watch how quickly they turn around. When i would do this with mine he was thrown off and would come back to say. “Im sorry i know i dont get you off and i want to be a better lover” BOOM. That is the art of female passive aggressiveness which is useful and needed if your husband is an asshole like this in the bedroom. Then tell them what you want and get a bit bossy but not too much during the sex to show what you want or tell him straight up “he need to last longer this time”. Watch if he does, and he most likely will do his best because he is terrified to be talked to like that again. See the issue was before, he was using you and you were ALLOWING him to use you. So he completely lost interest in your orgasm and it stopped mattering to him. To get something you want you have to throw in an attitude shift and make him confused. Men don’t like feeling confused so this stuff changes everything. Also don’t be a typical woman and say wow but i feel bad doing this. Because its not as long as you dont act like it always obviously its healthy in healthy doses for the right purposes. Whats worse, a bit of sass and making a man confused for afew hours or minutes, or, being used as a jerk off toy and being rolled over on? I think we all know the answer to this one. Anyway thanks for allowing my input I always keep it straight up.

    1. if you want some more advice on man issues i do have talks with women often on similarly related topics and would be glad to take an email. If you try this approach i would be interested in seeing how it works out for you.

  4. I understand what you’re going through it’s been at least five years since my husband has gotten me off he has cheated on me he treat bad and he’s narcissistic I am at a crossroad right now and I am unsure of everything in my life but I am tired of squeezing him all the time and then him saying get your toys out and play with yourself it’s gotten to the point where I resent him I resent the toys I’m resenting sex I don’t trust and I’m not sure how light supposed to go on this I don’t think I’m very happy at all he lies about his Affairs that he only did it once when I know the truth 4 years has passed in this still can’t tell me the truth now he says he forgot what he don’t forget that I don’t know where to go

  5. My husband is the same. I also used to love to pleasure him, but all that shit stopped when he would not do the same for me. We have been married for 10 years and our sex life doesn’t exist by he is a selfish lover.

  6. I know it’s been long … but have you found any solution to your problem? I’m facing the same thing…. I would even burst and cry there in bed; he would think I’m like that due to his coming first .. and in fact I feel used and thrown away… I asked why and tried to fix it yet with no luck…

  7. He sounds like an utter creep. Leave him, or if you can’t, get great sex from some of those hot men who are giving you the eye. Get it wherever and whenever you can and don’t look back. You deserve better.

  8. LEAVE that selfish narcissistic abusive piece of shit. And if you won’t leave please for the love of god at least get what you NEED elsewhere and do not feel bad about it, if the situation was reversed he’d do it to you in a heartbeat. Trust me, I speak from experience.

  9. Im officially triggered: I’m sorry but a lot of you women on here sound really pathetic. I say this because you only get one life and your men are only doing things that you allow. Closing up shop your snatch or withholding sex is retarded. You all need to accept that’s once your partner stops caring about your pleasure, your satisfaction that’s also a sign about the level of care he as about you. A lot of your men are running over your feeling and you’re staying with them so why should he change, he knows you aren’t going anywhere. He knows he’s going to be married to you and your a pleasure whole with emotions he doesn’t have to acknowledge because you aren’t willing to demand your own happiness or leave the toxic situation and that is your own fault. You’re going to keep being a pleasure whole for the rest of your marriage and you’re going to keep blogging like this for the rest of your life because you care more about your selfish husbands then having a backbone and you can’t be without a husband. A husband does not guarantee happiness or life fulfillment. You all will resent your husbands over time but Moreno then that you will resent yourself for being foolish and thinking maybe he will change. If he won’t even change for his wife then that should be a clear sign the relationship isn’t lost. Why should he make any effort when you don’t even love yourselves enough to ensure your own happiness and demand it and take the actions in order to secure that happiness. I’ve never been without a man who couldn’t get me off or didn’t enjoy going down a woman because I know how important sex is in a relationship. Your sex life is important for your health and some of you will probably die earlier in your life because of unhealthy sexual relationships, think about the physical and emotional disappointment and how that can mess with you right mind and health. If your partner isn’t willing to get counseling either then he/she honestly has stopped working on the marriage they know they have a problem and aren’t willing to get help. Lastly I am being harsh on purpose, if you’re mad or angry good, you should be and getting in with your life instead of wasting it not getting everything’s you deserve. You are in control of your destiny and can manifest great things into your path but it starts with you not being timid or asking the universe but demanding your happiness, your dreams an Drew getting out of your shitty situations instead of watching it fall apart. Trust me you can find someone better.

    1. Thanks! Been a f*ck hole for 14 years. I’m done with this no orgasam for 5 months to a year sh*t
      Really thanks!

    2. You are the one that is pathetic. Even if woman need to recognize that they still can make a choice and find joy outside of these jerk, why the put downs and lack of words that may encourage these woman to look at the problem in a way they never have before. I quite frankly hate people like you who think they are so smart that they can smart off on people….like telling someone they are the stupid ones who have created the problem is like going to get them to be motivated to find a way to fill that gaping whole that left in a person when they try hard to show and give love, and the partner just sits back and enjoys it! I have never \known a teacher who was able to encourage learning by telling the students they are the dumb ones!

    3. I understand your anger towards us. Consider though, some of us (me) are dealing with physical illness or mental issues (both me) that make it impossible to get out. We are heartbroken. A lot of us are depressed and afraid. Maybe some of us are trapped. So just think about that. I myself have to get better from an illness.

  10. I know exactly how you feel my EX husband was LOUSY in bed! We were married 21 years and yes he did go down on me if I asked but he just didn’t have the experience! I got to the point where intercourse was just a CHORE so I gave him good BJs instead as he enjoyed that! It got to the point I started just finishing myself off and finally after 5 long years of literally zero mental foreplay we divorced! He was cheating on me repeatedly and then finally confessed not even any protection! I have moved on!

  11. My husband and I have only been married for 5 months and we barely have sex anymore. He blames it on the fact that I’ll be on my period for a week or that he doesn’t feel good. When I say something and we have sex it doesn’t feel the same, I know he’s only doing it because I said something, I don’t want it to be like that. My last relationship I had a great sex partner, always made sure I was taken care of, he was a piece of shit but always made sure my sexual needs were taken care of, I just wish my husband now would do the same. I even asked if he would use a vibrator on me and he just refuses.. I hate that I have to get myself off just to feel good. He’ll give me oral every now and then, and I don’t get anything from it and haven’t felt the same so I haven’t given him oral in a while either, it doesn’t seem to phase him? It’s like he doesn’t care about sex and I need it! I’m not an addict but I want to feel loved and touched by him. Just wish he would understand that…

  12. I always give my wife her orgasm first. She loves for me to give her oral while massaging her g spot. Explain to your husband that you are needing someone who will take the time to explore your body and please you. Tell him how it makes you feel to have to please yourself. Hopefully he will understand how important this is to you. If not, you may have to explore other options. Good luck!

    1. For some men Michael they just don’t care about their wife or partner getting off I even tried date nights and he just didn’t want to take the time or energy to seduce me it was all about him! I even tried to get counseling through a sex therapist but he refused! He I think some people are just SELFISH and don’t care about others!

  13. I’m 58 my wife is 56,I please her orally till she she reaches orgasm with or without toys.20years married.i can even make her squirt but she hates it,first woman ever.sorry he is so selfish,but your only here once so make your decision on your future soon.good luck I don’t think he will change but don’t let yourself suffer

  14. I’ve read many of your comments and just like you all, I fall into the same category. But, how do we as women change this? The one man I only want to please me, my husband, 7 out of 10 times will organism and then maybe once every blue moon, try to help me achieve mine…as he’s trying not to fall asleep. It’s so frustrating. I can’t even put it into words how it makes me feel. A side of me just wants to stop making love to him because it’s hard to express such things like this to a man without hurting his ego. Sadly to say, and one who has never really dabbled into porn, finds myself satisfying my needs that route just because I know the outcome of our intimacy. And I actually hate myself more after I do satisfy myself that way. I feel ashamed. Why do men just not care??? I really don’t get it?? Especially when the wives do all they can to make sure their men are satisfied. Lord, this is very hard. Any helpful advice. I know many of you may be able to orgasm through a man going down on you but I need stimulation. Even if he don’t last long, I need him to want to satisfy me too. 🙁

  15. This is my life. For years it was awful. Invested in some toys and he was happy for a few times, now it is the same. He goes to sleep and I’m awake for the night. Many nights I end up just crying because of how it all went down. I have told him how I feel and he will make a passive remark back.

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