Comment of the Week: You, Em & Lo, Owe Us All an Apology

We received the following in response to our Metro article on negotiating a night of casual sex. Sometimes, it’s the hate mail that brings us the most joy:

I read your “article” in Metro this morning. Ironically I NEVER read that rag but for some reason I did this morning and I’m glad…it is critical to know who your enemies are and there you were “Negotiating for a Night of Casual Sex”. Ladies, please…this city, the internet and the world at large is filled with single women looking for relationships and not succeeding for many reasons not the least of which is the availability of casual sex. Shame and guilt have their place in this world, they are functional and who the hell are you to liberate anyone of those powerful and functional emotions. Sex is one of the universe’s most powerful and generous gifts and who are you to drag it through the muck? Seriously, who are you women? Don’t answer me, that is a question for you to answer in the privacy of your own heart and mind.

If you have no interest in seeing a person in the context of a relationship, you have no business engaging in sex with them-end of story. The extent of the damage you cause with your “perspective” and sharing it is beyond your comprehension.

Please consider what I’m saying, I suspect I’m not in the minority although I suspect you think I am.

I believe you owe us all an apology.

Very sincerely,


  1. I would strongly suggest what you people check out a couple of websites one is ancient Egyptian religion and the other one is ancient Egyptian sexuality. You may find it extremely interesting I will also say you should quit calling one another bad names by calling others bad names you call your self the same.

  2. Interpretation is the essence of education, experience and life. One may have common knowledge, but little common sense. One may feel very common, though may live life to extremes. This site is a place to encourage and support those that come fourth. With their vulnerability behind them, we can go forward together. If this was read or taken out of text, so be it. But the wrath is not fair nor relevant. Judging others to make your point or feel better in support of your opinion is unjust. Your diatribe was received and your connotation rejected. Next time, hypothesize to yourself.
    All the best and have a nice day.

  3. Poor B can’t settle down with the nice woman of his dreams because of all the sluts he’s sleeping with.

    My advice, for everyone’s good, is for everybody to stop sleeping with B.

  4. B said: “So lets cut to the chase – I dig slutty chicks and I expect sex early on in a relationship. Perhaps I could overcome such attitudes but doing so is very difficult when so much free sex is on offer.” END QUOTE

    B, WHY is it up to the woman to “say no” and keep YOU from taking advantage of ready sex and thus somehow keeping you from having a long term relationship?

    If you want a long term relationship, they are there for the taking. Whether one has sex on the first date or the 20th, a relationship is possible.

    My guess is, if you refuse to settle down, you are simply enjoying yourself, that in itself is fine. However, blaming the women you sleep with who enjoy sex AS MUCH AS YOU DO, for your not being able to settle down (and then calling women “sluts” when your behavior is no different than theirs is) is not the reason. And, is a huge double standard.

    Most men do not view women with the Madonna/Whore dicotomy which you do, but those who do are never satisfied. The women who “put out” aren’t good enough to stay with, and those who wait forever for “the perfect situation” will most likely provide a sexless wasteland of a marriage once it does happen, leaving you frustrated and without physical or emotional closeness. So, you continue to use women, rather than share with them and get to know them.

    Has is occurred to you that your attitude towards women in general has more to do with your state than the way “sluts” act? Perhaps it is your way of looking at women, rather than the way “women” really are.

    You will never find a good mate while following the Madonna/Whore-Cow/Farmer/Milk – “it’s the girls’ job to say ‘NO'” fallacies.

  5. Jill is under the impression women who are looking for husbands (like her?) are somehow being undermined by other women, who are willing to experiment with sex more than she is?

    She is also under the impression, most tiringly, that a woman having sex with a man is “giving him a gift.” No, Jill, people having sex are SHARING something.

    Are men being “snatched up” by women who are more willing to “put out” than she? I have NO idea. I’ve never really thought about it. (And also, never suffered from a dearth of men to date, before I found my husband. (And yes, I had sex with him LONG before we even thought about getting married.)

    But, the idea that everyone should have the same sexual standards, to “save” the less sexual among us from being alone, went out the window and out of common mores with the bustle and the corset. Or at least with the Bullet Bra and the Pin Set Curl.

    There are, and always have been, women who are just as interested and enthused about sex as many men are. We are not the minority, as least I don’t think so. I think it’s sad that in this day and age, one should even be “asking” for an apology for talking about what many people, men and women, see as an enjoyable activity.

    If Jill doesn’t want to have sex, that’s fine, that’s her prerogative. But, for her to request the rest of us to also not have it, so SHE can find a mate, I find rude to the extreme. (And, there is certainly no guarantee that our doing so would in any way increase HER dating pool in the slightest.)

    It takes all kinds, Jill. I’m sorry if you feel threatened by women more sexual than yourself. How you feel about sexual women isn’t their fault, the entire rant is based on faulty perception; If nobody gets laid, Jill will find a boyfriend/husband.

    Perhaps, investigating sex as the Joy that it is in itself, and learning to enjoy a partner in said activity, instead of thinking of it as a “generous gift” a woman “gives” a man, would help your conundrum. However, if you choose not to, that is your choice. It is also the choice of some women to continue to enjoy themselves sexually, and for Em&Lo to write to and about those who want to hear their words.

    They have nothing to apologize for.

  6. Waynworth,

    I have to question your skills at interpreting argument. The original poster’s idea is not that those who wait are the only ones capable of forming real relationships. Instead her point is that the existence of promiscuity conditions men into expecting sex quickly and readily in even the early stages of a relationship. As such, those who don’t put out are put at a competitive disadvantage relative to those that do. Further since for many men mere sex is enough, the presence of the promiscuous acts as disincentive for them to pursue a relationship.

    Now do you disagree with any of this?

    Actually it is hard not to note a great deal of hypocrisy here. Most of the sex positive people here would no doubt deplore the cultural conditions of, say, 1950’s America. The pervasive shame made it hard for people to pursue their desires and embrace their sexuality. If you are willing to recognize the influence of culture here, you should be able to apply the same critique to contemporary culture. In our highly sex aware culture people are judged as prudish, repressed or simply square for being chaste. Our practices serve to make them as ashamed of their preferred mode of sexual being as the practices of the 1950’s made gays and kinky folks ashamed of their sexuality. If you think straight mainstream america of years past owes an apology to those it maligned, then I don’t see what stands in the way of seeing that our current practices are simply the other side of that coin and we are as much to blame for maligning the choices of others.

  7. B instructs us to pay attention to the original writer’s concern. Here’s her main argument: “Ladies, please…this city, the internet and the world at large is filled with single women looking for relationships and not succeeding for many reasons not the least of which is the availability of casual sex.”

    It’s hard to feel empathy for someone whose logic is so lacking. She seems to imagine a world where only those who wait to have sex (until marriage? until a bond of caring forms?) can form real relationships. That’s just silly. It’s possible that two people who meet and have casual sex can be so entranced with one another that they go on to form a lasting relationship. It’s also possible that two people who wait until marriage to have sex may find that they are sexually incompatible, and thereby have a much higher chance of their relationship failing. It’s also possible that two people who once had casual sex and then went on to sow many oats, will later find that they care for one another and form a more meaningful relationship at some later time. The fact of when any of these people chose to bring sex into the relationship is really inconsequential.

    The fallacy of the letter writer’s argument is the idea that when you choose to have sex, or how many people you choose to have sex with, affects the outcome of the relationship. If 100 women are out having casual sex and 1 woman won’t have sex until marriage, it’s not the timing of when they have sex that will determine the likelihood that they’ll find a healthy relationship. It’s having good relationship skills, a positive outlook on life, and sometimes just a little luck that will be more important determinants.

    And sorry to return to B, but he’s so full of himself that I’d just like to point out that I hope he realizes he will probably never form a lasting relationship, and it’s not because he’s got too much access to easy sex. It’s because he’s a self-hating asshole who lacks healthy relationship skills. Such a pity.

  8. Why does everyone keep making this about me? You ignore the original writer’s concern when you do.

    The point is lots of easy people make dating life tougher for the chaste. If that is true, then the chaste have a beef with those who promote being easy. If easy people can recognize that they are making life tougher for those who make different choices, then it seems right that an apology should be demanded of them. When an apology is asked for, further callousness and insensitivity is displayed by holding up the request for ridicule.

    This makes em and lo look mean-spirited and those who can’t acknowledge that point look like they are so narrowly focused on their genitals that they are unwilling to examine the consequences of their actions. All around it should leave a bad taste in your mouth!

  9. I am by no means against people who have sex for fun. my point was just for those who want relationships out of all of this.

    There are those out there who don’t wish the ties of a relationship. I’ve friends who are like this. I’ve done it.

    Sex is fun [with the right partner..lol]

    Swingers have fun.
    It all comes down to what you want, and how you feel about yourself.

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