Your Weekly Horoscopes: Sept 28th, 2015

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Concentrate on making money rather than on making sweet love. But when you think about it, what’s the difference?

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
A friend or relative will introduce you to someone new and (keep your fingers crossed) interesting. Of course, this could mean you’ll be meeting your Aunt Myrna’s renowned and flamboyant gastroenterologist. But let’s be optimistic. If someone wants to set you up on a blind date, then be set up. The worst that could happen is that you’ll get some free samples of Tums.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Secret affairs always begin on a high note: furtive glances over the cubicle wall, work emails full of double entendres, desperate gropings in the supply closet, “working late” again (at least, that’s what we imagine goes on in other offices). But then you realize that you’ve got no one to watch Scream Queens with and you start to wonder what it might be like to have sex in a bed without your underwear stuck around your knees. Before you get seduced by a clandestine tryst, remember that there won’t be any cuddling. And cuddling’s nice sometimes.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Put on the full-body armor: Someone is about to take you for a ride and then throw you out to the sidewalk without slowing down.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
The spotlight will flatter you this week, so do whatever it takes to get into it. (Doing “The Tuck” à la The Silence of the Lambs at parties does not count.)

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
If you don’t care to share your feelings then the person you care about is likely to think that you don’t care. Don’t be like Pierre.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
If you have the ability to make someone feel good (and you know you do), why don’t you exercise that ability? If you don’t, that nice muscle will just atrophy. Then you’ll end up a miserable flabby old crab. Improve your karma and spread some damn sunshine, will you?

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
The Green-Eyed Monster is usually just a harmless tag-along, someone you humor and hang out with on rare occasions. But be careful, because this week he might get you totally hammered at some dive bar while talking shit about whatever game you’ve got going. Then you’ll wake up on the sidewalk somewhere with the vague recollection of having done something really stupid to mess up your, in hindsight, pretty perfect romantic sitch. And G.E.M. won’t be around to hold back your hair while you hurl.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
We kinda hate the saying “No one on their death bed ever wished they worked more.” Obviously, people who use that phrase are lazy, unmotivated, and don’t stress as much as they should. We know you’re with us on this one, Sag. That said, working late this week could apparently really mess up your chances of finding true romance, or at the very least, hot sex. We know, we can hardly believe it ourselves. Just force yourself to indulge in some social time this week, or you could end up on your deathbed saying, “If only I’d had more sex.”

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Abort mission! It’s impossible. Though you may dance around your living room in your underwear, you’re no Tom Cruise.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Just pick up the damn phone and ask them out. Yeah, right, like it’s that easy. Well, a friend of ours who’s read those sleazy seduction books swears by this particular tip: Say “hi” to at least seven people you’re attracted to per day. Don’t try to talk to them, just say “hi” and move on–on the bus, the sidewalk, whatever. That way (the theory goes), when you do meet someone you want to talk to, it’ll feel more natural. Or maybe people will just start referring to you as Freaky Hi Guy/Gal on Broadway. But anyway, practice is the thing we’re talking about. Practice your technique on the Dominos operator or your bank’s customer service rep or the talking clock. The worst they can do is hang up. And maybe you’ll get free breadsticks.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
We think you’re finally ready for true love. If you’re already in it, great! Our job is done. But if you’re not, then it’s probably time to move on from that soulless relationship devoid of any real emotion but full of great, mind-blowing sex. Wait a minute, who just said that?!