We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below.
I am a 22 year old male college student about to enter my 5th year. I was not really into relationships and dating in high school or even before because the pickins were a bit sparse and everyone that was dateable was already in a relationship or just didn’t find me attractive. I fell in love a few times but either quickly saw things that I found unfavorable or let them pass without saying nothing. Then in college I thought I met the perfect girl but when I actually approached her about it, she turned out to be one of those stuck-up career-oriented girls and I can forgive the career-oriented part. Plus she wasn’t that into me. Since then, I have been looking for someone/something to fill that void. Then I tried looking at other girls but I quickly learned that my college is filled with girls like her who don’t want a relationship or have been in one since elementary school. I’ve put up with being pushed to the side for too long. Am I weird for never going on a date or being kissed at 22? I mean, am I that undateable? Is me never being in a relationship a turnoff for women my age? If I should start dating now, where can I go to find girls other than college because that pool has dried up for me at least. Please help before I end up the male equivalent of an old cat lady. Any help will be appreciated. Thanks!
— All By Myself
What should ABM do?
In my opinion, if someone writes in asking for advice, that’s not an opportunity to put them down. Call a self-defeating attitude what it is, please, without name calling (e.g., “pig,” “d-bag,” “loser”). Keep the tone positive, or it sounds like you don’t really wish to help this person out.
“I can forgive the career-oriented part”
Yeah. You’re un-datable.
And I promise you from the bottom of my heart that it is not because of lack of experience. It is because you are a sexist asshole.
See, fwiw, that’s defeatist loser talk. I am below average in height, non-muscular (although well toned), and shave my head because my receding hairline is useless to me. I also make an average living. Doesn’t look like much on paper, or, worse yet, in an online dating profile.
And yet i haven’t had a dry spell in like 8 years, and my girls are always SMOKING.
Your “league” is largely where you think it is. Like crashing a fancy party – once you’re in, no one asks questions.
Oh and by the way, you might want to work on your approach. Courting a woman by telling her that she is a perfect specimen of femininiy, flattering though that may seem to you, is never gonna work. Believe me, she knows. Lots of guys think she’s perfect. Try to move in a little smoother. Treat her like a person, rather than like your ideal. I guarantee that whoever is banging her now just treated her like a normal chick.
Is Miley Cyrus that big that my autocorrect does that on it’s own?
Mikey is right.
I would also add that you’re riddled with self-defeating beliefs (all taken, too career driven for men, don’t want relationships – all fucking bullshit) and scarcity mentality.
You are the problem here, not the women (or the supposed lack thereof). Join the seduction community if you have to and get your ass in gear.
But like Miley said, you probably won’t. You’ve already talked yourself out of it.
IMO,women are too elitist/perfectionist.
Cannot remember the exact source but awhile ago there was an experiment in which a small group of women were put into a conference room with a larger group of men.After mingling for an hour.The women exited the room and were given a survey/interview.The women decidedly agreed that 80+% of the men in the room were below average in the looks dept.and to them were “undateable”.Go figure…hyporites
(Keep in mind that the group of guys were from all backgrounds: blue collar,white
collar,doctors,plummers,musicians,varying ethnicities were represented,etc.a good mix)
If you can somehow crawl out of your current state of ineptitude and master the above then some magical things will begin to happen. You might get a date, or get laid just by sheer chance. But realistically you are likely just the type of guy who wants to whine on blogs and do nothing in terms of ‘action’ or ‘ personal growth’ to better your predicament. Good luck, and surprise yourself and everyone else by getting off your duff and putting some of the sage wisdom above into play.
also… attend parties. Even if you have to tactfully invite yourself.
you should start with women who are paid to talk to you, like at retail stores and stuff. Be nice, focus on ‘non-creepy’. For god’s sake, dont break eye contact, and smile … alot. You then progress to women who actually have a reason to talk to you – like girls in your classes, or whom you know from work or whatever. Keep in mind here that you are not just talking to the women who look attractive, rather you are talking to ALL of them. Its a well known fact that all women have a hot friend or cousin. That said, all the women you find attractive, you must force yourself to talk to or your insecurities and overall douchebaggery will increase, not decrease. And you are not asking for numbers or dates at this point – just trying to be more friendly and sociable.
Dude, its simple…
Shave, shower and get your body into something resembling ‘in-shape’.
Dress in clean clothes and never leave the house in shoes that look anything less than fresh out the box. Take care of your appearance and brush your teeth. Become addicted to mints.
thats square one…
Next you need to recognize that, right now, you are a self centered, whinny, socially inadequate, insecure, D-bag. And thats okay because you are embarking on changing that. You need to force yourself to socialize in light banter with people.
Amen, J. I can’t help but think Em and Lo picked this question due in part to their desire to see readers react to it.
Actually, quit being a sexist pig in general. There were at least four comments in there that had me wincing.
Quit thinking of career-oriented as something to be forgiven!
Nicely done Dannie, I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Stop being so focused on yourself and quit seeing girls as something to be achieved. Try thinking about them more as, oh, people who have their own goals and desires, much like yourself. From how you’re talking, you’re extremely picky; try giving real girls with whom you have real conversations a try, as in, oh, maybe asking them on a date. You not being in a relationship yet isn’t a turnoff; you whining and thinking it’s only because there aren’t enough of/the right kind girls ever around for you is.