Dear Em & Lo,
I’m a 26-year-old virgin and, while I’m not waiting for marriage, I am waiting for the right guy. You know, that guy that won’t pressure me for sex because it’s the 3rd date or break up with me after 3 months because I’m not ready. And yes, both of those situations have happened, on more than one occasion. As I get older, it seems more impossible to find a guy that will wait for sex. I want someone to respect me and make me feel safe enough to want to share that with him, because if a guy can treat me like crap after a nice evening where I cooked dinner and he didn’t get any, then imagine how much worse I would have felt had I given in and slept with him.
So, I guess my questions are: are there guys out there that will wait and respect me, how long is too long for him to wait, and what do guys think about a girl making them hold out for sex? I have male friends that respect me for waiting but, guys I date — that’s something else.
— The 26-Year-Old Virgin
What do you think the 26 Y.O.V. should do? Let her know in the comments below:
Funny thing, most of life seems to occur while *NOT* having sex.
If your partner is worth dating without sex, chances are it will still be true with sex.
Sleep together, shower together, cuddle and hug, and when the time is right for everybody (for us heteros, when contraception is ready and waiting) work your way to sharing your bodies. Just remember, the first few times may NOT be great. Just keep the rest of your compatability going, and have fun working together to be lovers.
Practice makes perfect.
I’ve been dateing my boy friend for about 6 months now and I’m still a virgin but tomorrow he wants to have sex an I’m not sure what to say. Because I’m not sure if I’m ready or not, and I love him and I want to express my love but I’m just not sure. But it’s so hard to resist him.
Am also a virgin?
It’s completely up to you. Do what feels right.
Im 21. my boyfriend & I have been together for almost 4 years n half now and I’m still a virgin. n yes I’m a virgin because of my religious issues. and because i want to. my guy is just like any other guys.. he wants it real bad.. like really bad.. but IMO us girls need to protect our own ‘thing’ , not giving it away too easily(because it is too precious) and be strong (at least to me). its for our own good though. plus my bf once cheated on me with this one girl(not really since we alrdy broke up at that time) n left her once he found out that shes no longer a virgin n yea he came to me n asking me to marry him next year n yea we are getting married! but I’m not judging anyone here. its just from my point of view. sorry for my broken english and I’m really sorry if I ve offended any of you guys.
It depends. How long will it take for you to reveal to a guy that you’ll never really be interested in sex?
From my own experience, I only had sex with the girl I eventually married, we were both virgins, as soon as I fell in love with her I felt it was time I made love,but I did wait until we were engaged, did not want a shotgun wedding. Only have sex with a women IF she is ready for it, us men are sometimes to impatient for getting into a woman, sex is only a game for men, but it is taken more seriously my women, at least the women I have met.
I was a virgin until 24 because of religious reasons. When i met my now husband he was direct and said he would wait 4 months or leave because I would have to prove my love in return I think most guys would not have waited that long.
“How Long Can a Virgin Make a Guy Wait?”
As long as she wants.
A 26-year old virgin! What are you waiting for? Go enjoy your life. Go enjoy being young and fit and full of hormones – you will not get a second chance.
When you meet a man you love none of that will matter, if he thinks you’re “damaged goods”, run away, fast – he does not love you. Real love lives in the present and is based on respect and intimacy – accept no substitutes.
Couples who have premarital sex are less likely to marry and more likely to divorce if they do get married.
I doubt the premarital sex causes these two things. It is the frame of mind of the participants. Those who understand that sex isn’t everything and is best to leave until after marriage end up finding each other and spending the rest of their lives together!
There are some guys eagerly going around screwing as many girls as possible, and they use high pressure tactics. Look at the stories above. Several guys dumped the girl after they finally got what they wanted: physical pleasure. The right guy wants that too, but in the context of a relationship with 1 woman for life, after marriage!
LISTEN TO ATHENA! I am horrified by many of the responses here, but she at least has the right idea.
Don’t ever feel guilty or force yourself to have sex with anyone, no matter what. You know what you want–the only guy who deserves sex with you is the one who respects you and your wishes. He’ll wait until you’re ready.
No matter what anyone says above me, you don`t `owe` a guy sex. If you`re waiting for the right guy, by all means, you`ll know when he comes. (: And no-one can tell you how long is `too long,` because, obviously, if you`ve waited 26 years then a few years sure as heck won`t make a difference.
While I totally understand wanting it to mean something and be special, you’re 26. You’re not in high school, and neither are the guys you’re giving the go round. It’s not as big of a deal as you’re making it. Sex is fun, and all I see you doing is denying yourself. Maybe you should stop considering ways to put it off and just do it already! I think you’ll be surprised and be a little angry at yourself for waiting so long. There’s a lot of good guys out there. Don’t be scared to grow up and enjoy being a woman!
Bad idea
If you are like most women, you actually have two things going on here:
1. You’re typically pursuing men about your age or a little older.
2. You’re making them wait.
Let’s talk about waiting first.
Men (and most women) who are not asexual, homosexual and hiding it, or physically incompetent for sex typically expect a long term, romantic relationship to include sexual activity. This is–in our culture–the expected venue for sexual activity. So, unless they really don’t like or want sex with women, they typically pursue women romantically they want to have sex with.
Most men also expect some form of exclusivity in these relationships. Whether the men live up to it or not, they want the woman to. This is one reason many men will accept waiting for sex because it shows you are “choosy” and implies a better chance that–once sex is on the table–you’re not likely to be cheating on him.
So, a waiting period is a good thing. What your difficulty is, is the length of the wait and something called “opportunity cost”.
Basically, opportunity cost is the value of whatever else the person–in this case man–could have done instead of waiting for you. If you are a very high value partner and it results in his expectations being met or exceeded, a man is likely to be completely okay with a long wait.
However, if the opportunity cost in his mind–looking at other potential partners and opportunities while he’s waiting–gets too high, he will typically feel cheated or that you may have intentionally used him. Mostly, this is because he’s seeing you in terms of un-recoverable, lost opportunities at that point and you are in the decision-making seat.
This is most likely why you start seeing resentment towards the end of these relationships and probably anger.
The second part, the age of the guys, sort of plays off this part. First of all, most of these guys you’re probably dating as you get older are older themselves. Most of them probably haven’t even dated a virgin since they were teenagers and therefore the value of virginity for them is most likely only in terms of getting to “teach you” how to enjoy sex or in social terms like religious values.
Most of these men will probably have had at least one successful long term relationship where they realized it doesn’t really matter about the woman’s prior experience, it matters about her experience with them to determine how satisfied they both are.
So, the older you get and the older your prospective partners are, the less “valuable” you being a virgin becomes to them. Your inexperience and your choosiness may actually start to work against you in finding men who are willing to wait.
To sum up, men will wait as long as they think you are worth waiting for compared to their other options. If you want them to wait longer, you need to increase your value in their eyes in comparison to other women. If you want men who value your virginity more, you’re going to probably need to adjust your sights toward younger men (for whom it’s still of interest) or toward men with a highly idealistic background (especially those with religious convictions).
Additionally, once you do start having sex–assuming you find the “right” man–you’re probably going to have some emotional baggage from it, both in terms of self-value and the fact sex has a learning curve and is unlikely to be “spectacular” the first time you do it.
Good luck though!