What’s the Etiquette for Joining Someone Else’s Sex Session?

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below. We’re not convinced this particular inquiry isn’t a total joke, but we think it’s an interesting, entertaining question nonetheless:

Dear Em & Lo,

I can hear my friend having sex in the next room and want to join in. Do you think I should ask first, or just walk in?

— Jon

What should Jon do?


  1. Short answer: if you have to ask then the answer is no.

    Slightly longer if snarkier answer: if your friend is having sex with your spouse or primary partner then the answer is probably yes.

    Best, deadly serious answer: even if you can hear them loudly and emphatically role-playing having you join in you *still* don’t start having sex with anyone before first obtaining clear consent. Preferably at a point when they’re not actually having sex.

    One quibble for Black Iris. It’s not so much that you should assume that one of the partners in the other room is a woman, it’s that you shouldn’t assume that *only* women would be freaked out when their partner’s roommate hopped in bed. Intruding on people having sex without an invitation it’s a pretty serious breach regardless of the permutations of sex, gender, or orientation.

    And lest I sound too dour about the proposal, if you politely offer to join them and they both accept then party on, Jon.


  2. okay, I’m almost afraid to put my two cents in but here I go…. Give it a shot. Ask to join in! I’m not saying just walk in, but I agree with Black Iris. Talk to him before hand. Test out the waters casually and see if he’s ever thought about sharing before. A little humor can go a long way towards making a potentially awkward question less awkward.

    Besides, If your buddy and his girl are going at it pretty loud when he knows you are home, maybe they are trying to tell you something!

    As for the girl’s reaction definitely let him ask her before any clothes come off. She might be into it and willing to be adventurous so long as she feels like she has control of the situation and is safe if she says no. Trust me girls do not like being ambushed.

    I’ve had lovers spring the 3some question in several different ways, and forewarning is way more likely to get a Yes!

  3. Neither, oh lord, please just don’t do it! Fulfill your fantasy with someone that is not your friend.
    If your friend is part of the fantasy, test the waters for months on end, slowly slooooowly sliding the topic into conversation…Do NOT spring this on to unsuspecting people who think they are enjoying a private moment.
    This is something that is to be talked about first, with serious ground rules to be laid down…

  4. Seriously, I’m with Johnny. It’s their own personal sex life, so do lots of talking first, and let them do whatever they want. Don’t be surprised if they act like you’re creepy.

  5. Have they given you ANY indication that they want you to join in? If not, just forget it and let them screw in peace, ya wierdo.

  6. Definitely not just walk in. The poor girl your friend is with might freak out. If your friend frequently has sex next door to you, talk to him ahead of time about whether or not he’d be willing to have a threesome. Then let him talk to the girl (or you if he’s going to join you).
    It is definitely not okay to surprise someone with a request for a threesome. In addition to being off-putting, for a woman, it could be a scary thing if she feels like two guys she doesn’t know very well are united against her.

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