Your Weekly Horoscopes: 03-18-13

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Damn, Aries, you’re on fire. And when we say it, it’s not like your grandmother saying it (which would be kinda weird): It actually counts. Don’t be shy about the attention you’ve been garnering lately, it’s about time you were objectified a little. Bask in the glow. Now would be an excellent time to attend a high school reunion.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Uh oh, superficiality alert. Given the choice this week, you are likely to favor style over substance. If you’re just looking for a piece of arm candy to accompany you to some fancy event sure to be attended by your dillweed ex, then go right ahead. Otherwise, we strongly suggest you rethink your strategy. Because when the cameras stop rolling and dillweed ex is no longer watching, you’re the one who has to make conversation with that dunderhead hottie who thinks euthanasia is a program for troubled kids in China.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Think of all this alone time as one of those “personal growth experiences.” Take long introspective walks in the rain, buy a single can of beer at the deli for your viewing of “Girls” reruns on demand, write a poem about your feelings, listen to Enya. And don’t forget to thank god for masturbation.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You’ll find yourself hitting the gas pedal instead of the brake — and vice versa — all week. Bummer, dude. Fortunately, we’re speaking purely metaphorically, so little old ladies and cute puppies are safe for now. Unfortunately, it’s up to you to figure out what the metaphor means for your love life. Hey, this is one-size-fits-all astrology, people, we can’t be expected to do all the work.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Leo, let’s work on our indoor voice, shall we? This whole social butterfly thing you’ve got going works fine in the bar (or in line at the DMV), but in one-on-one situations, it’s a little much. Tone it down a tad once you hit the bedroom, lest you scare away the hotties (or piss off their neighbors).

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Your heart will be telling you to make your move, your brain will be telling you to slow down, and your cynicism will be telling you to pull the can of Cheese Whiz out your ass. Don’t be a cliché, just be yourself.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Go to bed without brushing your teeth for once. Hit the snooze button a third time. Leave on the conditioner for a minute longer than the bottle tells you to. You know: go nuts. Most of all, let your heart rule your head. Remember, it doesn’t have to “make sense,” it just has to be legal and consensual. If anyone questions your state of mind, just tell them that if loving this way is wrong, you don’t want to be right.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Woah, serious. Things are getting hea-vy in the relationship department, huh, Scorpio? Are you sure you’re ready? You do have options, you know that, right? Getting serious should feel like a step into the future, not back into a corner. And getting serious does not necessarily require three months of your hard-earned filthy lucre, no matter what the diamond industry tells you. Hey, there are starving advice columnists out there who could be saving the sex lives of Americans everywhere with money like that.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You’ve been treating commitment like a funny-shaped hat of late: You put it on every now and then ’cause you kind of like the way it suits you, but the idea of making it a permanent part of your wardrobe seems ridiculous. You would break fewer hearts (and have to make fewer mad dashes for the nearest exit) if you stopped preening around the hotties with your “I am Mr./Ms. Commitment” act, which is about as lame as a beret.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
A relationship that goes from zero to sixty in the blink of an eye is just as likely to hit the wall at sixty and crash and burn. Consider yourself warned. If you’re not prepared to give up reckless driving just yet, then at least fasten your seatbelt.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Aquarius, you appear to be suffering from a mild case of the Sagittarius funny-shaped hat syndrome. You get in these warm, overly-loving moods and it spills onto everyone around you and all of a sudden they’re picking out names for your kids. Make sure you’re not leading anyone on, unless you really want to parent a Harry and a Hermione with that weirdo from the bus stop.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Uh oh, Pisces, looks like you might have latched onto one of those prevaricating Sags in a funny-shaped hat. All is not what it appears. And when all is revealed, that hottie is going to have a serious case of ugly hat-head. Best back up and take a breather, and get out while everything’s still nice and pretty.