Your Weekly Horoscopes: 05-27-13

photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Your involvement in a worthy cause will impress someone this week. And no, a Fifty Shades book club or an outing to see Oz the Great and Powerful doesn’t count as a cause. It’s time to get involved where it really counts–help little old ladies across the street, give a penny instead of taking a penny, hand out free tofu burgers outside McDonald’s. By the time anyone realizes you’re only in it for the booty, they’ll have already fallen prey to your charitable charms and won’t give a damn about anything except the booty either.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
It’s like you just found a pair of sneakers with the initials K.B. on the tongue, and every time you wear them, booty is a slamdunk, no-contest affair. But don’t forget to take off the tennis shoes every now and then, lest you contract a nasty case of athelete’s foot.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If you go with the flow this week you will find yourself in a very interesting position regarding love. Like doggie or the wheelbarrow.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Here’s one from the “no duh” file: If you’re walking on your own path and you happen to meet someone special, it follows that this special person will be down with your path (either that or they’re just a crazy stalker freak). But if you’re one of those big fakers who takes strolls on other paths and you meet someone special there, you’re either going to have to carry on being a big fat faker, or risk getting dumped. It’s one to grow on.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Don’t be fooled by movies and television commercials: Two strangers’ eyes meet across a crowded room, bar, subway; the more romantic of the two approaches, a heart full of love at first sight, and says “Nice pants”; then, naturally, they live happily ever after. But the reality for the rest of us is this: Anyone who uses something even remotely resembling a line, no matter how original or sincere-sounding, is a player. They are so smooth because of years of practice. For them, it’s a numbers game: Lay it on thick with enough people and someone’s bound to fall for it, i.e. throw enough shit against a wall and something’s bound to stick. And we, suckers for flattery, trust that our unique beauty/wit/charm inspired an otherwise shy soul to pour forth such a bounty of romantic honesty. Don’t get played this week.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
We’re practically blushing just looking at you, Virgo. Apparently it’s because you’ll be a sexual magnet this week. Thank goodness we’re still carrying our winter weight, otherwise we’d be irresistibly pulled off our La-Z-Boys in your direction. Instead, expect other, featherweight hotties to be drawn to you. Choose wisely, our friend.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
It’s like you’re reliving that Halloween party back in the early nineties when you dressed up like Dieter from “Sprockets” and told people in mid-conversation, “You have grown tiresome!” before walking away to get another drink. This week, though you may think it, don’t actually say it. And for god’s sake, don’t be caught dead in a black turtleneck and leggings (and not just because it’s nearly summer).

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Cut to the chase; gone in sixty seconds. And no, we’re not talking about that atrocious Nic Cage/Angelina Jolie movie, we’re talking about your love life. Once you’ve wrapped someone around your little pinkie, you don’t even stick around long enough to find out all the fun places you could stick that little pinkie. All we can say is: You don’t know what you’re missing. (And wash your hands after shaking hands with strangers.)

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
If you socialize at the more affluent establishments this week, you might meet someone interesting, entertaining, and adventurous. Or at least obscenely rich. Even if your orifices don’t get filled, or at least filled well, maybe your pockets will. If you’re not shallow and money-hungry, just stick to your local.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Secret encounters will develop. Except they won’t be so secret. You may find that in fact everyone is gossiping about you this week–and not in a good, envious, she’s-in-Time-magazine way, but in a catty, judgmental, she-should-be-on-the-cover-of-Ho-magazine way. So don’t get involved with someone who is already attached, slimebag.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You are the pick-up master! Watching you work a room is like watching David Beckham work a soccer field. What do you need our advice for? We should be taking notes from you! Or maybe this is just our extra-sneaky way of giving you that extra boost of confidence so you will actually be able to work a room like David Beckham. We’ll never tell.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
It’s time to turn on the charm and make a splash. You’re your own sexual agent, and sometimes that means rolling up your sleeves and doing a little self-promotion. Stop short of an “Am I Hot or What?” press release, but don’t shy away from anything else. Trust us on this one: We know from self-promotion. Once you bite the bullet and start, it’s addictive!