Your Weekly Horoscopes: April 13th, 2015

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
The time is perfect to fall in love. All you need is a spunky Gemini or Leo or Aquarius. Oh sure, just go to the corner store and pick one up. They’re on sale, conveniently lined up on the shelf in alphabetical order. Right next to world peace and those cute little flying pigs.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You’re so fucking hot. And vice versa. So break out the body glitter, crank the tunes, shake your booty, and enjoy it all (and we mean everything) this week.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Your insightful outlook will attract all sorts of interesting people. Suckers!

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Talk talk talk. Blah blah blah. Doesn’t anybody have sex anymore? Don’t wait too long to broach the sex issue in a relationship, otherwise you could be consigned to Just-a-Friend status for good.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Be open to new experiences and give strangers a chance. Today’s acquaintance wielding an oddly-shaped vegetable may be tomorrow’s partner in exploring a new sexual orifice.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
How does that old Eurythmics song “Sweet Dreams” go? “Some of them want to use you / Some of them want to get used by you . . . ” When it comes to fulfilling your insatiable sex drive (it’s Nympho Week for you) there’s a fine line between using them and feeling used by them. If you walk the line carefully, everyone will get theirs, no one will feel used and it’ll be just like the Eurythmics never broke up and the ’80s never ended. move.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
It looks like a checkers board, but maybe your partner wants to play chess? Maybe they don’t even like board games. The only way to find out is to let them make the first move.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Do you know why mass-market consulting firms make so much money? It’s because they have the benefit of mass-experience, thus they don’t have to create a custom solution for each company they consult. Rather, they draw on their pool of generalized solutions and tinker with the one that’s the closest fit until they hit pay dirt. Well, maybe that’s not exactly how the consulting world works, but for the sake of a succinct analogy, let’s pretend it does, okay? We don’t want to promote a mass-market approach to the pick-up scene, but if you’re having trouble acquiring your, uh, market share, get a little business-like about the whole thing, draw on your own pool of solutions (or ask your friends about theirs) and tinker until you find something that works. (Is it just us, or does “tinker” sound dirty all of a sudden?)

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Okay, we know if we say “See Virgo,” you’ll feel gipped. You want your own special, personalized horoscope. That’s understandable, because you are special. But sometimes, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander (whatever that means). And sometimes, different star signs end up getting their stars crossed, resulting in very, very similar love and sex advice. So if you know what’s good for you, you’ll read “Virgo” and like it.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Persistence will lead to pushiness. Pushiness will lead to loneliness. Loneliness will lead to porn. Porn will lead to more porn. More porn will lead to really bad porn. Really bad porn will lead to a warped and selfish sense of sexuality. A warped and selfish sense of sexuality will lead to an inability to maintain relationships. An inability to maintain relationships will lead to an unhappy, meaningless existence. So don’t be persistent this week and you’ll live happily ever after.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Put old lovers out of your mind and move onto bigger and better things. If the new things aren’t bigger and better, lie and tell your old lovers that they are anyway.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Remember when we thought that George Michael was straight? Remember when we thought Andrew Ridgely had talent? Yeah, well, things aren’t always what they seem.