photo by Vacasion

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

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Dear Em & Lo,

Last night, while watching a movie with an orgy/group sex party in it, my long term BF suggested that it would be sexy to try something like that, expect only have sex with each other (no swinging). He likes the idea of having sex while other people watch and I admit it is exciting to try something new that will spice things up and bring us closer.

However, I am a bit nervous about some things and also have no idea where to go to find such a party! I am nervous about being naked in front of strangers, my BF wanting to have sex with someone else, or someone trying to join us. Any advice would be great!

– Eyes Wide Shut

How should E.W.S. proceed? Leave your feedback in the comments section below.

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:

• Confession: 8 Rules for the Third Wheel in a Threeway
• Poll: Have You Ever Had a Threesome?
• Wise Guys: Can a Man Be Talked into an Open Relationship?

photo via Flickr

Dear Em & Lo,

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of two and a half solid years and then we were on and off for another year or so. I moved on to a kid I had been dating during the ‘off’ time with my previous boyfriend. I was fine and having a great time with my new boy until about a week ago when I found out my ex-boyfriend moved on as well. Obviously, I didn’t expect him to wait around for me but I guess it just hit me that we were now over. For real. Now the ex-BF is all I think about. Am I really not over him, or do I only care because I found out he moved on? I assume these feelings I have toward him will eventually pass and I’ll be able to move on for good, because the kid I’m now seeing is great, but I don’t have much experience in the break-up department. Any tips?

–Not As Over Him As I Thought
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Dear NAOHAIT,

Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. Anyway, yeah, there’s this little thing called an ego, and it causes many women to secretly hope that all the men they’ve loved and left will carry a torch for them the rest of their lives. Sure, you hope these men move on and fall in love and marry and have kids and all that…eventually. (After all, you wouldn’t want to carry with you the guilt of having actually ruined a man.)

But still, deep down, many people like the idea that, late at night, those exes’ thoughts occasionally drift to them and how totally amazing they were in bed/on the tennis court/at Jeopardy/etc. It doesn’t mean that you’re still pining for your ex or that you’re meant to be with him or that this new kid on the block you’re dating isn’t all-that. All it means is that you’re human and you’re not a saint and, much as you’d like your ex to be happy, it still causes a twinge when he gets that way.

Our advice is to avoid Facebook at all costs (we know you’re tempted to spend the night Googling until you can find a photo of your ex’s new love–don’t do it, masochist!) and spend the time you save having totally awesome new-guy sex instead. Trust us, this too shall pass.

Smooches,
Em & Lo

 
MORE LIKE THIS FROM EMandLO.com:

• Performance Art, Lost Love & Facebook
• Wise Guys: How Do Men Deal with Bad Breakups?
• Given a Free Pass for a Fling, Women Would Call an Old Flame

photo via flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

Dear Em & Lo,

I’ve known this guy for over a year and run into him every now and then in a bar that we both frequent. The other night I saw him and he was flirty and said that he was hoping to run into me and he was happy to see me and then proceeded with the ole “We have chemistry,” etc.  After making out, we decided to go back to my place to, what was pretty much agreed on, have sex. When we got to my place, he casually told me that he had a girlfriend. (When I inquired, he said that it was a casual situation.) We did not have sex. My question is: Why would a guy ruin a sure thing, by saying he had a girlfriend? Did he want to make sure I didn’t take the sex seriously? Or is he simply a guy and didn’t think?

– Blue Box

What should B.B. think about this guy’s actions? Leave your feedback in the comments section below.

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com

• Why Do Men Cheat Down?
• Does a Wet Spot in His Boxers Mean He Cheated?
• Should I Tell Her He’s Cheating On Her?

Lelo’s Ina 2

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Dear Em & Lo,

Is it ok to only clean my vibrator before use? I have been using one for a couple of years, and I don’t wash it after use, only before. I also keep it in a shelf in my closet when I am not using it. Is this okay? Will I get infections?

– Dirty Girl

Dear D.G.,

Why would you not want to clean your vibe afterwards? We can understand not wanting to clean your room or scrub your shower. But not wanting to thoroughly clean something that’s touching your most delicate mucous membranes and/or going inside your most sacred orifices seems a little self-hating. And waiting to clean it until just before use is only going to make it more difficult to get really clean. Leaving moisture on it can lead to mold and mildew. And if it’s porous, forget about it!

You really should be washing it twice: once immediately after use (before things get, for lack of a better word, crusty) and again before you use it (to remove dust or other possible contaminants). If you are so lazy that you can’t manage double washing, then we’d say wash it immediately after with soap and hot water for a good 20 seconds, let it completely air dry (to avoid mold/mildew), and then store in a dedicated pouch so it won’t collect dust in the interim.

Cleanliness is next to Oh-Godliness.

Em & Lo

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• L Is for Love Ring
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We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. We’re tempted to give this guy a piece of our mind, but we have a feeling that you, dear readers, are more than up to the task!

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Dear Em & Lo,

I’m with a woman who has three daughters from different fathers. I’ve known her for a very long time as I’m a family friend — when we both met we liked each other, but never did anything about it. Now we live together but she really likes to have sex. Likes porn, loves to fantasize during sex. I know she has had sex with at least two women and she’s just wild when it comes to sex.

We have good sex (I think) but she never gets enough. It’s not a problem for me as I am more than capable, but it’s bothering me to think she has had lots of sex before me. Am I overreacting? She says it’s never been the same with other partners because she loves me. I find that to be such a BS excuse. I think she’s slutty, just from a guy’s point of view. I don’t know what to think, but I’m not that convinced with this girl. Help Me…

– Too Good to Be True

What’s your advice for Mr. Too Good to Be True? Leave your suggestions (slash ass-kicking) in the comments section below!

photo via flickr
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Dear Em & Lo,

I’ve been with my girlfriend for 3 years now and we love each other very much, but she is way more into sex than I am. I try to match her libido but she is still too much for me. She also likes to use sex just to pleasure herself or relieve stress, but she’s been getting too restless as the years go by.

I use sex to have fun with her and amplify my love for her but I just can’t keep up and now sex feels like work instead of fun. All I can do is tell her to calm down but I know something else needs to be done. I’m actually getting worried that we may break up because of our differences. I don’t know what to do — can you please help?

– Be Careful What You Wish For

Dear B.C.W.Y.W.F.,

First of all, we should admit straight out that we don’t have an easy answer for you — in fact, the main reason we chose to answer your letter is because we felt like it would help so many people to read it. Wildly different libidos is one of the most difficult obstacles to overcome in a relationship (well, that and the whole porn issue), but too many people assume that libido problems are all about men wanting sex more than women. In fact, we receive just as many — if not more — letters about the opposite problem, i.e. yours — women wanting sex more than men.

In part this is simply a factor of the way male and female orgasms work: Most men can climax at the brush of an elbow, so sex is pretty awesome for them from day one of a relationship — and, in fact, because they know they can climax at the brush of an elbow, the desire to experience an orgasm with someone else can be particularly strong. Many women, on the other hand, don’t climax with a partner until they are deep into a relationship — when they are completely comfortable with the person, when their partner has learned their body inside and out, and whey they have figured out together what makes her tick. Which means that for many women, sex keeps getting better as a relationship progresses — which might make her want more of it as time goes on.

Which is not to say that sex can’t improve for a guy, too, as a relationship progresses. For one thing, the more comfortable you are with each other, the more you might be willing to experiment more (and if that’s you, then you should definitely check out our book 150 Shades of Play: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink!). Also, we like to think that guys enjoy sex more when their partner is clearly enjoying herself more.

Anyway, back to your situation. First of all, it’s not clear from your letter whether or not your girlfriend masturbates. Does she? If not, she needs to! Masturbation is an awesome way to relieve stress and pleasure yourself — especially when your partner isn’t in the mood. Perhaps you could treat your girlfriend to a new toy for her alone time to let her know that you fully support her in her self-love habit! Toys made by LELO like the Smart Wand or the Nea Vibrator are gorgeously packaged (i.e. perfect for gifting!) and are designed to appeal on an aesthetic and a sensual level — and they’re hardly phallic, either, so you won’t feel left out! (Though if you do, the Nea happens to work perfectly between two bodies during intercourse, FYI.)

Outside of masturbation, it’s all a matter of compromise. Face it — most couples don’t have exactly matching libidos. That’s just not possible — especially considering the way everyone’s libidos wax and wane over time. So this means that sometimes one person will end up having sex when they’re not exactly in the mood, and sometimes the other person will have to sneak off for some self-love time or just take a cold shower. As long as there’s a bit of both in the equation, and as long as you’re both comfortable with her self-love time, you should be able to find some common ground.

And if you can’t? Well, that’s something only the two of you can decide on together. You should definitely talk to her about your concerns now, and let her know that you want to make this work. Figure it out together. Try all of the above, and if, after all that, you’re still not happy, it might be time to set each other free.

The truth hurts (but divorce hurts more),

Em & Lo

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:

• Wise Guys: What If Her Libido Is Higher Than His?
• Why Won’t My Boyfriend Sleep with Me?
• Do Men Want Sex Less As a Relationship Progresses?

photo via Wiki Commons

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

Dear Em & Lo,

Intellectually, I get porn and how it works for guys. I myself like the occasional erotica collection. But emotionally, I still can’t help but feel really bad when I stumble upon some of my live-in boyfriend’s “smut.” We have a sort of don’t ask, don’t tell policy regarding porn, but it’s hard to hide 100% of the time. Most days I can forget about it — a sort of forced denial — but when I really think about it, it just depresses me. Sometimes I wonder if it negatively affects our sex life: if I’m not in the mood, he turns to porn, he gets satisfied there, then doesn’t initiate sex with me, and he keeps not initiating sex with me because porn will always be in the mood. I just came across this Male Anti-Masturbation Movement thing via your site and can’t help but wonder if something like that might be good for our relationship — if he took a break from porn and focused on me, I’d feel better about the sex and not just feel like a porn substitute, which would make me want to have sex more. I’m not saying “ban all porn!” I’m just wondering if you agree that a porn diet might actually benefit our relationship…? And if so, how I should go about suggesting it…?

– Torn About Porn

What should T.A.P. do? Let her know in the comments section below.

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

Dear Em & Lo,

My boyfriend and I have been together for more than 3 years now. We met and quickly fell in love. He left his current girlfriend for me and we had what I would call the best first year. I was a virgin when I met him and despite not knowing anything about sex, our sex was passionate and amazing. However, everything seemed to go downhill from then.

The 2nd year and the 3rd year we started to get in a lot of arguments. We broke up frequently. He cheated on me once and slept with another girl when we broke up, and I think we have been very confused about our relationship.

We’re together now and I think we have been much more honest and open with each other about our problems. I finally had the courage to speak about our sex and I explained to him that I didn’t feel ‘loved’ when we had sex anymore. When we have sex these days it usually feels very mechanical and unsatisfying. I’m very confused about whether this is a “fixable” matter. I love him and have no doubt that he loves me and I don’t understand why sex would feel distant and unsatisfying with the one I love. I don’t think it’s a matter of technique. To be honest I don’t think better techniques would make me feel loved or satisfied.

Em & Lo, what do you think? Do you think it’s too late? Do you think we should break up and start over with someone else? And most importantly, what’s going on with our sex life!!?

– Going Through the Motions

What should G.T.T.M. do? Leave advice for her in the comments section below.

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• How Do I Re-Enter the Dating Pool?
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photo via flickr
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Dear Em & Lo,

I came across your site as I am trying to prepare for  my wedding night and my first time with my wife.

I know nowadays it’s normal for women to shave/wax around the vagina to look clean, and typically guys don’t shave around the penis or scrotum.

My question is, do women like it if a guy removes the pubic hair from around the testicles and the shaft of the penis? Do you like when a man is clean shaven down there? I hear it makes it smoother for sex and more enjoyable, plus I’m sure it feels better for you to touch and handle. What’s your opinion?

– Hairy Groom

Dear H.G.,

First of all, kudos to you for wanting to prepare for your wedding night, and for wanting to make the entire experience as pleasurable as possible for your wife-to-be. We are thrilled to hear that our site can be a helpful resource not only for swinging singles enjoying booty calls in the city, but also for couples who are saving themselves for marriage. Hold on a sec while we just pat ourselves on the back.

Okay, we’re back. Despite that little ego trip we went on, we should say that our opinion on pubic hair shouldn’t really be an issue here. Pubic hair is a very personal matter — where one woman likes a grisly bear in bed, another prefers Kojak.

That said, your fiancee may not even have an opinion on the matter yet, assuming that this will be her first time, too. So our advice is to do very little (i.e. a barely noticeable trim) or even nothing for your wedding night. You’ve got the rest of your marriage to experiment together, to find out each other’s preferences, and to shave or not shave for each other. Start simple, start natural, and work from there.

We’re guessing that on your first night together, you’ll barely notice each other’s pubic hair — you’ll have one or two other things on your mind! Spend some time exploring this site if you want some other tips — the articles linked below are a good place to start.

Have fun storming the castle!

Em & Lo

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:

• Losing Your Virginity Ain’t No Big Thang
• How Can I Make First-Time Sex Less Painful?
• How Do I Deflower a Nice Young Man?

photo via Flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

Dear Em & Lo,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years now. We are VERY close. I can see myself growing old with him. We’ve been having threesomes with guys, and it’s really spiced up our sex life. Not just when there’s a third around but when it’s just the two of us. Recently I went to hang out with my guy friend who I am very much attracted to. My boyfriend told me I can go ahead and have sex with him if I wanted. At first the idea made me upset, I told him it would feel like cheating. But as we talked about it more it seemed like and ok thing to do. I’m still unsure of it even though I wouldn’t mind at all having sex with him. My boyfriend wants to tell my friend that he not only is allowing me to have sex with him, but that he wants me to. This puts me in an awkward situation and I’m not to sure how I feel about it. Even though I want to. Im not even sure if my friend wants to have sex…I need some advice…

– The Luckiest Girl in the World?

What should LGinW do? Leave advice for her in the comments section below.

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:

• Confession: 8 Rules for the Third Wheel in a Threeway
• Poll: Have You Ever Had a Threesome?
• Wise Guys: Can a Man Be Talked into an Open Relationship?